Relational aggression is a covert set of manipulative behaviors used to harm someone through damage to relationships, threat of damage, or both—a non-physical form of bullying.1 For example, a relational bully might tarnish someone else’s reputation to elevate themselves within the group. Some people believe this form of aggression is primarily an issue among females, but studies don’t support that theory.2
What Is Relational Aggression?
Relational aggressive behaviors include isolating a target, threatening to stop talking to them, giving silent treatment, and spreading rumors.2 This can happen in a variety of settings including school, work, and online, and while it affects adolescents predominantly, it can occur at any age. Research remains unsure whether it’s common in youth due to developmental challenges or as an indication of potential future mental health problems.3
Often, relational aggression is subtle and can go unnoticed. In some cases, it’s overlooked entirely. In an online context, it can be difficult to identify the source of an anonymous post, making it hard to hold someone accountable. Another example is that if someone is excluded for not wearing a specific brand of clothing, you might not immediately recognize this unless it’s reported.
Furthermore, relational aggression can be an uncomfortable topic to address compared to physical aggression. Adults might find it easier to redirect a student for shoving someone vs. ignoring them because shoving is blatantly against the rules whereas ignoring is not expressly forbidden.
It is important to note that studies indicate the dominant form of aggression for females is relational aggression (in comparison to physical aggression), which tends to perpetuate the myth that males do not engage in or experience comparable levels of relational aggression. However, studies do not support the notion that females use relational aggression and males do not. Males experience and engage in relational aggression, as well as physical aggression.2
Types of Relational Aggression
Just as there are different reasons for why an individual might engage in relational aggression, there are different types of relational aggression that depend upon the relationship and intent.
Common types of relational aggression include:
Reactive Relational Aggression
Response to a provocation that causes one to be upset, hurt, or angry. An example would be if an individual perceives being made fun of by another person they might react by spreading rumors about the individual to hurt their reputation. Reactive relational aggression is associated with impulsivity, anger, and assuming others have malicious intentions during conflicts.4
Proactive Relational Aggression
Also known as instrumental or premeditated aggression, because it is planned and the response is absent of provocation with the goal of obtaining a specific outcome or attempting to coerce others.4 An example of proactive relational aggression would be manipulating or threatening someone with loss of friendship unless they complete an assignment for you.
Peer-Directed Relational Aggression
Relates to aggression directed at or received by someone you’re in an established relationship with or who is at your own “level” (i.e., same age, grade, cohort). Peer-directed aggression happens among children, adolescents, and adults, and each group displays similar aggressive tactics. However, evolving relational aggression among adolescents and adults can include dismissing opinions, making others feel guilty, ignoring or purposefully withholding attention, and pretending to be hurt to make others feel bad.5
Romantic Relational Aggression
Involves manipulation or psychological harm to a romantic partner by engaging in behaviors like breaking up with a partner because they said or did something to offend or failed to meet an expectation, making a partner jealous, or flirting with someone in front of the partner.5 Romantic relational aggression can create less trust, jealousy, codependence, and other unhealthy behaviors within a relationship.
How to Tell If Someone Is Relational Bullying
Relational aggression can be difficult to notice as it can be accomplished in a subtle manner; however, you can look for signs of non-verbal communications, cliques, cyberbullying, intimidation, and more.
Common signs of relational bullying are:
- Non-verbal communication (i.e., eye rolling, sighing, staring, or scowling)
- Exclusion or ostracizing based on culture, attire, interest, ect.
- Ceasing communication, ignoring, or giving the silent treatment
- Creating cliques
- Threats to end the friendship or relationship if X does not happen
- Spreading rumors, gossiping, or sharing confidential information
- Intimidating others
- Cyberbullying
- Excluding or removing a person from a group chat, server, or activity
- Deliberately whispering loud enough so the person can hear
Why Do Individuals Engage In Relational Aggression?
Reasons why individuals participate in relational aggression include:6
- Acceptance among others, desire to fit in, or assimilating to an established culture
- Peer pressure from classmates, colleagues, family members, majority groups etc.
- Maintaining or evolving social status or position at work
- Seeking to control or have a sense of power
- Seeking a connection with another person or group through negative measures
- Projection of their own feelings or poor self-esteem
- Learned behavior from observation, experience, and cultural norms
Signs Shown by Victims of Relational Aggression
It can be difficult to notice or identify whether someone is a victim of relational aggression unless they specifically report it because it is not always overt and can even be dismissed as normative among adolescents. Oftentimes, policy lacks the ability to hold aggressors accountable because there is no threat to physical well-being. This results in underreporting by victims.
Some common signs of relational aggression include:
- A noticeable and unexplained change in behavior:
- Increased sadness or depression
- Withdrawing, avoiding, and isolating behaviors
- Increased anxiety in social, school, or work situations
- Increased aggression2
- Decreased academic or work place performance
- Increased substance use
- Sudden change in friendship or relationship
- Unexplained shift in personality (e.g., an extrovert shifting to introversion)
- Somatic symptoms (headaches, digestive issues, etc.)
What Should I Do About Relational Aggression?
If you know someone who is experiencing relational aggression or are experiencing relational aggression yourself, it can be difficult to speak up and ask for assistance. Fortunately, there are several helpful responses to learn and practice like active listening, empathy, and seeking support from a therapist.
Helpful responses to relational aggression include:
- Active listening
- Teach, practice, and reinforce empathy and compassion
- Learn and engage in healthy relationships
- Monitoring social media interactions
- Utilize health coping skills
- Intervene when appropriate
- Model positive behavior and relationships
- Seek support from a therapist or mental health professional
If you notice yourself engaging in relational aggression, reach out to a therapist or mental health provider. They can assist in educating you on new skills to combat problematic behaviors. Remember, change is possible.
Impacts of Relational Aggression
Impacts of relational aggression are not one-sided. In fact, both victims and aggressors experience detrimental effects like depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.
Victims of relational aggression can experience internal and external behaviors such as:
- Depression
- Loneliness
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Anxiety
- Isolating from peers
- Engage in repetitive negative relationships with high level of conflict
- Increased use of maladaptive coping skills7
Aggressors can experience similar effects, including:
- Depression
- Social isolation and rejection from peers
- Poor emotional regulation
- Engage in poor quality friendships
- Poor impulse control
- Limited ability to control anger7
It is important to note that technological advancement has created a unique culture in the way individuals can experience or engage in relational aggression, including unintended consequences of social media. This can be particularly true for adolescents as by nature they value their privacy; which can often lead to relational aggression being undetected by parents, guardians, or adults.
How to Resist Relational Aggression
Relational aggression can sometimes be normalized or encouraged by others, making it difficult to go against peer pressure or workplace culture. Understanding the damaging impact of relational aggression on both victims and aggressors can begin the process of recognizing and changing how you engage with, experience, or process situations. Awareness and acknowledgment lead to positive change and healing for all impacted by relational aggression.
Resist engaging in relational aggression on a personal level by avoiding gossip, avoiding spreading rumors, practicing inclusion, seeking help from a therapist for unresolved issues, practicing and modeling kindness and empathy, and building healthy relationships.
Final Thoughts on Relational Aggression
Relational aggression can go unnoticed or be overlooked due to its covert and sometimes subtle nature. This makes it especially important to be aware and informed. If you are struggling with relational aggression, you are not alone. Reaching out to a trusted family member, friend, or therapist for support can begin the healing process.
