Relational Aggression: Definition, Types, & Impacts

What Is Relational Aggression?

Relational aggressive behavior frequently includes isolating a target, online bullying, silent treatments, and spreading rumors.² Relational aggression is often subtle and overlooked. It can happen at any age in school, work, and even online settings, making it even more challenging to address.

For instance, in an online context, identifying the source of an anonymous post can be impossible. Another example of relational bullying can look like children excluding a peer for not wearing brand clothes. Regardless of what’s involved, relational aggression can significantly impact its victims.

Types of relational aggression and bullying include:

• Reactive relational aggression: This type of relational bullying is a response to a provocation that causes one to feel upset. Reactive relational aggression is associated with impulsivity, anger, and making assumptions. Someone may assume they’re being made fun of and react by spreading rumors about the supposed perpetrator.⁴
• Proactive relational aggression: Proactive relational bullying is planned and occurs without provocation.⁴
  It may also be referred to as instrumental aggression or premeditated aggression. The goal is to obtain a specific outcome or attempt to coerce others.
• Peer-directed relational aggression: This relational aggression is directed at one person considered to be on the same “level” as the perpetrator (i.e., same age, grade, cohort). This may include dismissing opinions, making someone feel guilty, or purposefully withholding attention.⁵
• Romantic relational aggression: Romantic relational aggression includes manipulation or psychological harm to a partner. An example may be breaking up with a partner because they failed to meet expectations or to make them jealous. This can create distrust, codependency, and other unhealthy relationship behavior.

Who Engages In Relational Aggression?

While relational aggression predominately affects children and adolescents, it can occur at any age. Research remains unsure whether relational aggression is common in youth due to developmental challenges or as an indication of potential future mental health problems.³

Studies indicate relational aggression is the dominant form of aggression for women and girls than physical aggression. However, these findings may perpetuate the myth that males do not engage in or experience comparable levels. Research does not indicate that only females use relational aggression, as males can also experience it.²

Examples of Relational Aggression

While children may seem more likely to bully others or engage in this behavior, there are also various forms that relational aggression in adults can take. For instance, children and teens use many methods that are mirrored in how adults use relational aggression in the workplace.

Common relational aggression examples include:

• Ignoring a particular person or group
• Cyberbullying
• Creating rules about joining a clique or group
• Excluding or alienating others
• Backstabbing
• Forming cliques
• Sending hurtful messages, texts, or emails
• Spreading rumors
• Making fun of someone for their looks, clothes, etc.
• Pressuring others to engage in relational bullying

Why Does Relational Aggression Happen?

There is not one single reason why people resort to relational aggression. The reasons vary based on the person, the setting, and the gain a perpetrator of relational aggression hopes to receive. However, some common factors relate to personal, interpersonal, and early learning through familial modeling.

Low Self-Esteem

Relational bullying often stems from low self-esteem. It may seem that people with low self-esteem would be less likely to act out or work against others. However, engaging in behavior that belittles others allows them to feel “big” and bolsters their esteem. Unlike physical aggression, relational aggression is a subtle way to exert power over others.

Boredom

Some individuals lack self-direction and struggle to make productive goals. Because of this, they may find satisfaction in creating difficulties for others, playing with others’ emotions, or crafting rumors to break the monotony of boredom.⁸

Natural Temperament

Some people are more naturally prone to aggression than others. Individuals with certain temperaments tend to be more invested in harming others with subtle aggressive behavior. For example, women are often associated with relational aggression. However, there is a gender imbalance that exists regarding this behavior and great variability in the level of relational bullying females exhibit.⁹

Competition Between Peers

When there is a scarcity of resources, whether tangible or intangible, competition for access to that resource can arise. In relational aggression, competition can foster its frequency and intensity. For instance, if two people are romantically interested in the same person, efforts to sabotage their rival’s reputation or turn the romantic interest against them may occur.

Peer-Pressure

Social cliques hold great power over children and adolescents who want to be accepted by these groups. Fear of social rejection is a powerful motivating force. Peer pressure can be strong enough for people to engage in out-of-character behavior to be accepted by classmates, colleagues, family members, and cliques.

Learned Behaviors From Parents

When parents use relational aggression to manage others’ behavior, their children learn the power of manipulation, social shunning, and hurtful words. Parenting style greatly influences children’s engagement in relational aggression. However, children of authoritative parents are typically the least likely to see this form of aggression at home.

Impacts of Relational Aggression

The impacts of relational aggression are not one-sided. Both victims and aggressors can experience detrimental effects on their mental health, such as depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. For this reason, it is important to speak up if you or someone you know is experiencing relationally aggressive behaviors.

Relational Aggression Impacts on Victims

There is a saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The effects of relational aggression show this to be untrue. Victims of relational aggression experience a range of emotional damage. These impacts start with hurt feelings and can end with, very sadly, making the decision to take one’s own life.

Relational aggression is designed to make someone feel excluded or damage their reputation so much that others would not want to associate with them. Social rejection is harmful to one’s self-esteem and sense of belonging. Thus, the impacts of relational aggression can be significant.

Impacts of relational aggression on victims may include:⁷

• Depression
• Loneliness
• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Anxiety disorders
• Social isolation and withdrawal
• Academic struggles
• Increased risk of suicidal ideation and self-harm
• Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy friendships
• Increased risk of eating disorders
• Use of maladaptive coping skills

Relational Aggression Impacts on Aggressors

While relational aggression harms the social acceptance of others, individuals who perpetrate relational aggression also experience negative effects. Relational aggressors tend to be less socially adept and accepted than others. They may not get along well with peers and use attacks on others’ self-esteem to build up their own. Furthermore, aggressors may have psychological disorders contributing to their ability to make and form friendships.¹⁰

Impacts of relational aggression on relational aggressors may include:⁷

• Depression
• Rejection from peers
• Poor emotional regulation
• Poor-quality, superficial friendships
• Poor impulse control
• Limited ability to control anger

How to Identify Relational Aggression

It can be difficult to notice if someone is a victim of relational aggression unless they report it themselves. Relational bullying is not always overt and may be dismissed as “normative” among youth. Sometimes, school or workplace policies cannot hold aggressors accountable if threats of physical harm are not present.

Technological advancement has created a unique culture where individuals can experience or engage in relational aggression via social media. This can be particularly true for adolescents as they naturally value their privacy. This can result in relational aggression being undetected by parents, guardians, or adults.

Common signs of relational aggression may include:

• A noticeable and unexplained change in behavior
• Increased sadness or depression
• Withdrawing, avoiding, and isolating behaviors
• Increased anxiety in social, school, or work situations
• Increased aggression²
• Decreased academic or workplace performance
• Increased substance use
• Sudden change in friendship or relationship
• Unexplained shift in personality (e.g., an extrovert shifting to introversion)
• Somatic symptoms (headaches, digestive issues, etc.)

How to Resist Relational Aggression

Resist engaging in relational aggression on a personal level by avoiding gossip and rumors, practicing inclusion, seeking help from a therapist, using kindness and empathy, and building healthy relationships. Awareness and acknowledgment lead to positive change and healing for all impacted by relational aggression.

For Victims of Relational Aggression

Relational aggression can be normalized or encouraged by others, making it difficult to go against peer pressure or workplace culture. Understanding the damaging impact of relational aggression can begin the process of recognizing and changing how you engage with, experience, or process situations.

Below are ways you can cope with and combat relational aggression:

• Be assertive when needed: Speak up for yourself and for others. Bullies don’t expect their victims to oppose them, so asserting yourself can be effective.
• Remember your values: Stand firm in what you believe, and don’t allow yourself to sink to the level of someone using relational aggression against you.
• Talk out your experience with friends: It can be helpful to seek support and invited input from your social support network. Friends help bring perspective and have your back in the event that you’re targeted again.
• Focus on building your self-esteem: Focus on things you do well, whether academics, work skills, social skills, or an activity you enjoy. Spend time with people who build you up and appreciate what you bring to relationships.
• Inform the necessary authorities: If you are the victim of or witness relational aggression, alert the people in positions to address it. In schools, these individuals might be counselors, teachers, or administrators. In work settings, reach out to supervisors or human resources. No one should be allowed to bully others without consequence.
• Practice healthy coping skills: Relational aggression is used to get inside a person’s head by compromising their social standing and self-esteem. Developing coping skills, such as positive self-talk, mindfulness, or thought reframing, can help you resist the urge to give in to this behavior.

For Parents of Children Experiencing Relational Aggression

It’s important for parents to create an atmosphere where children feel safe to share their feelings. Some children will be eager to share their experiences of being victimized and look to you for support.

Other children may feel shame about being victims and hesitant to talk to their parents about what is happening. If your child’s behavior has changed significantly at home, either becoming more withdrawn or acting out, check in with them in a supportive, non-threatening way to encourage them to share what is affecting them.

Below are ways you help your child deal with relational aggression:

• Be sure to model healthy behaviors: Be intentional and thoughtful in your response to help your child. Don’t respond to a child’s victimization in an overly aggressive manner.
• Remind them it is not their fault: Relational aggression is aimed at making a person feel bad about themselves. Be clear with your child that they are not to blame for another child’s poor behavior choices.
• Listen to your child: A main component of healthy relationships is communication. Be sure to listen to what your child’s words and behavior say about their life. Validate their feelings and let them know that they are heard.
• Encourage them to share their feelings: Children need to know it is safe to express their feelings, so allow them to express their full range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and fear.
• Find your child a therapist: If your child is showing signs that victimization is negatively impacting their academic performance, social engagement, family relationships, or personal well-being, reach out to a child therapist for more intensive care.
• Teach them healthy coping skills: Providing children tools for coping with adverse events can help them better manage their reactions. This can set them up for life in terms of handling difficult situations.
• Encourage them to use effective communication: Help your children feel empowered to speak up when they or someone else is being bullied. Encourage them to speak to school authorities and not fear calling out what they see.
• Speak with their teachers or school counselor: Sometimes children can be anxious to go to the people who could help, so reach out independently to advocate for your child, if needed.

When to Seek Professional Help

Relational aggression is more subtle than physical aggression or verbal bullying. It can be hard to pin down as actual harassment in its early stages. However, when teasing or joking begins to feel like bullying and harassment, it is time to take it more seriously.

If relational aggression is causing significant disruptions in you or your child’s life, and your initial efforts at intervening have been unsuccessful, consider seeking therapy for your child or family therapy, and potentially for yourself as well. When a problem interrupts daily functioning, including your ability to eat a healthy diet, participate in activities, and get a good night’s sleep, a therapist can help you work through your challenges. You can start finding a therapist by asking for a referral from your primary care provider, or by searching an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Relational aggression can go unnoticed due to its covert and sometimes subtle nature. Therefore, being aware and informed of this form of bullying is essential. If you are struggling with relational aggression, you are not alone. Reaching out for support from a trusted family member, friend, or therapist can help you heal and cope.