Loneliness: Causes, Getting Help, & Ways To Cope

What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness occurs when people feel like they are by themselves or abandoned, even if there are others around them to interact with.¹ Loneliness is not always about other people being present, but more so about people being able to connect with, identify with, and feel a closeness to other people.

Loneliness is something that goes beyond just being sad, as experiencing sadness can just be based on temporary or isolated events. Loneliness is typically more long-term and severe. It can be deeply rooted in someone’s painful past experiences from which they’ve developed abandonment issues and have a hard time connecting to other people, or it could be a systemic problem, like for older adults who can’t leave the home and don’t have family to visit them.

Loneliness Vs. Solitude

Loneliness is a feeling that typically signals that someone is not getting enough social connection and does not feel like they fit in anywhere. Loneliness can help us become aware of the fact that we need more socialization. Solitude involves being physically alone. It is not as much of a feeling as it is an experience of being with oneself.

Prevalence of Loneliness

Loneliness is something that affects most people at some point in their life. It can be brought on by grief, aging, growing apart from loved ones, or simply not finding people to connect with. It is more common than you think.

Here are some statistics on the prevalence of loneliness:²

• About 35% of people in America have reported frequent feelings of loneliness.
• Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased by 45%.
• About 60% of young adults struggle with loneliness.
• Loneliness is linked to higher prevalence of mental health issues.
• Those who express feelings of loneliness have poor quality of sleep.

Causes of Loneliness

Loneliness can be a feeling as well as a state of mind. Even though it’s something that has been experienced by many, people may still be unclear of some of the root causes or triggers of loneliness.

Here are some of the potential reasons why you might feel lonely:

A History of Abandonment or Lack of Support

People who experience more frequent episodes of loneliness often have a history of poor support, trauma, abuse, loss, and many negative life experiences involving close relatives or loved ones.³ Many of these people may have faced abandonment or rejection early on in life and may have developed feelings of pessimism, resentment, or even depression.³

For example, someone who may have been abused and felt abandoned at a young age could develop feelings of loneliness in their childhood, which could continue into their adulthood. These feelings of loneliness could also negatively impact relationships with others. Lonely people can often feel rejected, may emotionally disconnect from others, and may also lack empathy with other people.³

Life Change

Some of the direct causes of loneliness can be due to social factors such as grief or loss of a loved one, feeling socially awkward in a new environment, having limited support, feeling alone in a relationship, and going through a breakup.⁴ These causes can have a severe impact on individuals because they all involve someone having to adjust to or endure life independently. It can be a big adjustment to be alone when you are used to having others present to experience life with.

Getting Older

There have also been studies on the correlation between age and increased loneliness. A report by the CDC stated there is a higher risk of loneliness in adults aged 65 and older.¹ And while young adults can also experience loneliness, older adults tend to be more socially isolated and lonely due to independent living, death of spouse/loved ones, chronic illness, and other medical issues.¹

Experiencing loneliness is a higher risk factor for women who live alone, who are widowed, who have health issues, and who have limited resources and social support.⁵ Some triggers can be days/events that are usually celebrated, like feeling lonely during the holidays or on a birthday. If someone is unable to celebrate special days with loved ones, they may find themselves dreading or not looking forward to these days and thus feeling alone.

Another trigger could be having to do activities alone that you once had others to engage with. Some examples could be taking trips, working with partners, being on a team, or just living with someone else. Doing things by yourself for the first time can feel very daunting if you once had other people to enjoy these things with.

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness is a common feeling, but some of the causes of loneliness can lead to different feelings depending on the situations. Since loneliness can affect different parts of our lives, there are ways to categorize the “type” of loneliness you’re experiencing, whether it’s social, romantic, or familial.

Types of loneliness include:

• Social loneliness: Feeling a sense of poor quality social connections and relationships, or going a long period of time without social interaction.
• Emotional loneliness: Feeling a sense of isolation coming from a gap of meaningful relationships, or a lack of access to these relationships.
• Familial loneliness: A feeling that comes from a change in the family structure or a loss that can trigger familial loneliness. Grief can compound this feeling, as can family estrangement of any kind.
• Romantic loneliness: Feeling a sense of a void in intimacy and an inability to find an outlet to channel this loneliness. This can occur while dating, in a relationship, and after the end of a relationship.

Signs of Loneliness & What It Feels Like

There are obvious signs of loneliness, such as when people are not physically, socially, or emotionally connected with others in fruitful relationships. Those who experience loneliness have no close relationships and often feel isolated no matter who is around.⁷ They may often attempt to reach out to others but don’t feel the effort is reciprocated and they may feel invisible to others.⁷

Here are some potential outward signs of loneliness:⁸

• Being shy, timid, or introverted when it comes to socially interacting
• Consistently struggling in social settings and not connecting easily with others
• Crying often and presenting with a sad countenance
• Being isolated more and not putting in effort to reach out to others
• Eating more unhealthy foods
• Sleeping poorly and not feeling rested
• Becoming ill more often and having increased doctor visits

Internal Signs of Loneliness

There can be external as well as internal indicators of loneliness. Internal indicators are usually emotions experienced by the individual and external signs observed by others.

Some internal signs of loneliness are:⁸

• Feeling that no one understands you
• Feelings that people are avoiding you
• Feeling empty
• Consistently feeling bad about yourself
• Having low self-esteem
• Comparing yourself to others
• Feeling inadequate
• Feeling resentment toward people who have healthy social connections

Loneliness & Mental Health

Loneliness can have a big impact on someone’s mental health. People experiencing loneliness report lower satisfaction with their lives and increased stress.¹⁰ Loneliness has been linked to poorer sleep and depression, and researchers found that 40% of participants who reported loneliness also reported feelings of anxiety and suicidal ideation within the past month.¹⁰

Lonely people may feel like no one can help them, thus becoming more stressed by feeling that they must conquer the world and their problems alone. People who have a low support system to begin with are less likely to manage depression and anxiety symptoms well.¹¹ When people have support, they are better able to manage their mental health.

Physical Health Effects of Loneliness

Along with many potential mental health effects, loneliness can have physical ramifications. Chronic loneliness can impact someone’s immune system and sleep, and make them less likely to care for their physical health, leading to long-term consequences.

Here are some of the potential health impacts of loneliness:

• Less likely to take care of their physical health: Loneliness can lead to unhealthy and risky behaviors due to lack of will power and low motivation.³ There is also much research on how people who suffer from loneliness and depression tend to eat food with less nutritious value because it fills a void and gives temporary satisfaction.
• More likely to misuse substances: Another way that loneliness can impact someone’s health involves alcohol and drug misuse. People can develop “self-destructive habits” during periods of loneliness which can include drinking and experimenting with drugs.³ During these episodes, people may binge, overuse, or in some extreme cases, overdose on substances.
• Weaker immune system & cardiovascular system: The immune system helps us to ward off illnesses and diseases, and if emotional distress is present, the immune system may not be working at full capacity. Our cardiovascular system helps blood, oxygen, and other nutrients flow through our body. If the cardiovascular system isn’t functioning properly, it could impact someone’s long-term health outcomes.³
• Poor sleep & insomnia: Sleeping can strengthen the immune system.³ Poor sleeping habits can impact the neural, hormonal, and metabolic regulation of our body systems.³

How to Deal With Loneliness

Overcoming loneliness requires some drive to get out of your current funk and refresh your surroundings. Effectively coping with loneliness could involve doing kind things for others, joining a new social group like a club or online support group, and seeking professional help from a therapist.

Here are 12 tips for how to cope with loneliness:¹²

1. Start by Recognizing That Loneliness Could Be a Sign to Make a Change

Loneliness can be a great teacher if you are able to recognize it as a sign versus a permanent state of mind. You likely have more power than you recognize to attend to your own loneliness, but when it’s compounded with other mental health issues, it can be hard to break out of that cycle. Recognizing that you are greater than your feelings is a good first step, and can help you get the boost you need to try something different to help you move out of that feeling.

2. Get Curious About Any Guilt or Shame You’re Dealing With

When we feel lonely, sometimes that is compounded with other emotions such as feeling guilty or ashamed. Working through the other underlying issues and emotions is important because these emotions can manifest as loneliness. When we have these other feelings, it can convince us that we are deserving of loneliness, which is far from the truth. Working with a therapist can sometimes help you identify the thought patterns you have like guilt or shame that are keeping you stuck.

3. Learn How to Be Comfortable With Your Own Company

Loneliness can also be a symptom of a lack of self-love. Being able to enjoy your own company is important and taking care of yourself is key. It can be hard to learn how to be alone and not feel lonely, however it can give you a lot of confidence to really enjoy time with yourself and figure out what actually makes you happy.

4. Do Kind Things for Others

One way of managing loneliness is to do something kind for others. Sowing seeds of kindness is rewarding. Some examples could be volunteering, helping elderly or sick people with household needs, or visiting with people in nursing homes or hospitals who are alone themselves.

5. Be Aware of Your True Feelings

People will normally experience occasional bouts of loneliness. However, if you feel that you’re having more and more episodes of loneliness, it may be time to take some initiative and talk to someone and get some help.

6. Open Up to a Few Close Friends About How You’re Feeling

Maintaining vulnerability when you feel lonely can be hard, but having a trusted circle who can support you is important. Open up about how you feel and let them in. This act alone can help you feel a sense of their loving presence and care about you.

7. Don’t Compare Yourself With Other People

Comparison is the thief of joy. When you compare yourself, you are inadvertently considering the things you don’t instead of moving forward with gratitude. It is OK to feel like you want more, but with that, it is important to recognize what tools you can access to help you feel like you have agency over your own life.

8. Take Up a Creative Activity

Creativity is a great outlet to express yourself. This can be anything creative that helps you feel good about yourself and makes you smile. Creativity can also help to serve as a catalyst for sharing how you feel with someone and pulling you out of feeling lonely.

9. Consider Taking a Social Media Break

We are living in an age where many people often communicate virtually or via social media. However, you miss a great deal of real connections when communication occurs only through technology. Consider taking a break from social media and instead try planning to meet up with a friend or coworker for lunch, or do more things face to face versus virtually or by telephone.

10. Join a Social Group

There are many ways to connect with people who may share the same interests or even the same struggles as you do. There are ways to initially connect with people online through social groups (like meetup.com, facebook groups, or online life groups). These groups can start off virtually, but many of them lead to face-to-face group events and activities.

11. Maintain Good Physical Health

Make sure that you are monitoring your physical health by eating properly and exercising. Also care for your mental health by managing negative feelings and taking note of any distress.

12. Try Therapy for Loneliness

Loneliness can become a serious condition that could lead to depression or other serious mental health conditions. It would be beneficial to seek professional help from a therapist. Types of therapy could be individual, family, or group therapy settings.

When to Go to Therapy for Loneliness

You should reach out for help when you feel like you cannot manage daily life tasks on your own or if you start to feel apathy for activities you used to enjoy. If the symptoms and signs continue to worsen, this could lead to a mental health crisis or an emergency. Isolation could be potentially dangerous as it can lead to thoughts of suicide or self-harm, so reach out to someone immediately if you have these feelings.

Another reason to reach out for professional help could be that despite being around other people, you always feel lonely and can never find a true connection. Such sentiments may be indicators that you could benefit from learning skills and techniques that would allow you to connect and socially interact with others on a deeper level. By working with a professional counselor or therapist, you can dig deeper to identify root causes of the issues that have led to your state of loneliness, and find coping skills and techniques to reverse these issues.

Lastly, it may be time to seek professional help when physical health begins to decline. If you notice your sleep patterns are off, you’re not eating as healthy, schedule more frequent doctor visits, experience more stress, and feel poorly overall, it may be time to contact a therapist.

Who Should I Consult for Help in Overcoming Loneliness?

In regard to professional help, find a therapist who can help manage unstable moods and negative emotions. You can work with a therapist individually or as part of a group. During group therapy, you work with people with similar issues who can provide support during recovery.

Other people to consult for guidance on personal relationships could be a mentor or pastor. Pastors and clergy could give spiritual and emotional guidance. Likewise, a mentor could also be a support as being someone you could lean on for advice and another facet of developing community.

Personally, having regular contact with a close friend can help you mitigate your feelings of loneliness. Consider opening up to your loved one about how you’re feeling and brainstorming ways to feel less lonely, like regular check-ins or outings together.

Helping Loved Ones Dealing With Loneliness

Many people may have loved ones who may be suffering from loneliness, grief, or some kind of emotional distress. It’s important to be present for them and to help them to better manage their feelings without causing even more distress.

Here are six tips on helping a loved one dealing with loneliness:¹³

1. Listen Without Judgment

Sometimes all people need is to just have someone to hear them out while they express how they feel. Just listening could be very comforting to someone in need.

2. Don’t Minimize How They’re Feeling

Something that could make matters worse is minimizing the pain others feel as if their feelings don’t matter. It would be damaging to tell those suffering from loneliness to “suck it up” or to mock them in their pain. These reactions would cause them to feel even lonelier and would be counterproductive. It would also be harmful to just ignore their concerns. Ignoring concerns may cause those who are lonely to isolate even more.

3. Spend Quality Time With Them If You Can

It would be a good idea to just spend some of your time with a loved one to show them that you care. During this time, you could talk or make plans. Remember that it’s the effort and thought that count.

4. Help Them Engage in Enjoyable Activities

Helping a loved one partake in activities they enjoy doing could be a big help to them. Also volunteering to assist them with tasks they may have could also lessen their burdens or feelings of loneliness.

5. Provide Support & Encouragement

Be present, look for resources to help them, and try to lift their spirits with encouraging words or notes whenever possible.

6. Do Something Kind

Find out things that a person who is lonely may like and do random acts of kindness for them just to show that you care and support them.

Final Thoughts on Loneliness

Loneliness can impact a person’s self-concept, social life, mental health and even physical health. Many people will experience loneliness at some point in their lives, but it is best to seek help when you can no longer manage these feelings. If untreated, loneliness can have a detrimental impact on the mind and/or the physical body. If you or someone you know is suffering from loneliness, do know there is help available. The sooner that you receive help, the sooner you can begin living a better life.