Resentment in marriage frequently stems from partners’ inability to discuss past hurts without stirring up more anger. Resentment may begin to build after a betrayal, continuous inappropriate behaviors, or bad-mouthing. Some of the best ways to deal with and address these challenges include maintaining open communication, learning how to forgive, and seeking professional counsel.
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Signs of Resentment in a Marriage
Resentment in a marriage prevents partners from being vulnerable and authentic with one another. This causes them to close up emotionally, and the intimacy in the relationship starts to wither. Signs of resentment in a marriage may include behaviors such as going to bed late, coming home from work late, or avoiding a partner altogether. It could also look like purposefully annoying a partner by frequently drinking with friends, arriving at an event late, or spending money in irresponsible ways.
If resentment is left unchecked, the couple feels as if they are drifting apart and no longer identify each other as the primary person in their life. While everyone experiences emotions slightly differently, certain feelings and behaviors geared toward a partner may be signs of resentment in a marriage.
Signs of resentment in a marriage may include:
- Feelings of anger or frustration
- Comparing a partner to others and feeling jealous
- One partner using the silent treatment
- Using generalized statements, like “You always…” or, “You never…”
- General hostility or passive-aggressive behaviors
- Rumination or obsession over what a partner is doing wrong
- De-prioritizing a partner and turning to others instead for fun, comfort, or advice
- Avoiding a partner
- Talking poorly about a partner to others
- Making a partner the butt of jokes when others are around or pointing out their flaws to others
- Losing sexual attraction to a partner
- Doing things intentionally to annoy/upset a partner repeatedly
What Causes Resentment in Marriage?
Resentment in a marriage is the byproduct of not healing a wound between partners. Whether these wounds include betrayal, a lack of communication, or criticism, they need to be gently re-opened and inspected. Only then can the offending partner offer a true empathic apology and move on, often forging an even stronger bond. Researcher Dr. John Gottman called resentment one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships.1
Common causes of resentment include:
Betrayal
Any kind of betrayal (financial, sexual, etc.) can lead to strong feelings of resentment in a marriage. When our partners betray us, it can feel like the world is coming in on us. When those feelings aren’t addressed, acknowledged, and processed, it can lead to strong feelings of resentment.
Hurtful Words
When our partner calls us names, bullies us, or is mean to us, that can really hurt us. We trust our partners to be mindful and careful with our emotions. When they are deliberately hurting us with name-calling, those feelings can fester and develop into resentment.
Underperforming & Lack of support
It can be difficult to manage all the demands and needs in a relationship. If one partner is not supportive when the other is struggling (with chores, income, etc.), it can leave the struggling partner feeling alone. They may feel angry that their partner isn’t more validating and understanding as they should be, which can develop into resentment in a marriage over time.
Not Prioritizing the Relationship in the Same Ways
When partners are not on the same page and having conversations about the marriage, it can lead to issues. When it seems like one partner is not putting as much of a priority on the marriage, the other partner feels resentful of the time, effort, and energy they are dedicating.
Inconsiderate Behaviors
Partners who are not considerate or respectful of our time and desires can lead to resentment in a marriage, especially when they do not communicate changes in plans or delays. This could look like being chronically late or not responding to texts and phone calls. When the partner blows their behavior off as “no big deal” and constantly continues acting this way, it can leave the other partner feeling dissatisfied.
Can a Marriage Recover From Resentment?
Marriages can recover from resentment, but it takes time and consistent effort from both partners. It challenges partners to forgive one another for the behaviors that led to feelings of resentment and hurt. However, that isn’t an easy task. Forgiveness takes time and dedication, as well as work to change the behaviors that were causing resentment to fester.
How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage
Getting over resentment in a marriage seems like an impossible task, but there are ways to move through these feelings and move forward from them.
Below are five ways to let go of resentment in a marriage:
1. Let Yourself Feel
It’s important to acknowledge what you feel and avoid suppressing negative emotions. If you continuously do so, your emotions will fester and grow out of hand. Letting yourself experience all your feelings and move through them allows the process of truly moving on from them to take place.
2. Talk to Someone
Whether it’s a therapist, friend, or relative, it’s important to have a support system around who you can go for perspective. Sometimes, talking to family and friends is enough. Other times, resentment in a marriage can feel so overwhelming that you may need to consider speaking with a counselor to help you make sense of what is happening.
3. Understand Where the Resentment Came From
Did these feelings of resentment start recently? Likely, this is not the case. Resentment stems from patterns of mistakes made in the relationship, and you may have tried to set things straight in the past with no lasting change. Resentment in a marriage comes from the sum of conflicts that have not been properly addressed. Understanding this and taking stock of these issues is an important step toward resolution.
4. Remind Yourself That Mistakes Happen
At the same time, understand that we all make mistakes. When a mistake keeps happening, it’s essential to dig deeper and consider the reasons behind it. Being able to accept missteps is necessary, but considering what your boundaries are and how to address issues as a couple is equally as important. Couples therapy may be a good way to handle and make sense of these mistakes.
5. Work Toward Forgiveness
It can feel easy to want to forgive because we love someone, but you need to recognize when you are truly ready to do so. If you say you forgive your partner but then find yourself feeling resentful, then this can seem unfair to your partner. Take your time to determine where you are emotionally before making any decision or statement of resolution.
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What to Do If You Caused the Resentment in the Relationship
If you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment, you need to understand what fully and permanently repairing this rupture involves. Take the necessary steps and don’t rush them. It’s important to be thorough and thoughtful. Write things down or rehearse them in front of a mirror. Take the time to do it right so you can put the past to bed for good.
Here are steps to take if you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment in a marriage:
Have Some Empathy
First and foremost, you really need to climb into the shoes of the one you hurt. Not just a little bit, but as much and deeply as you can. Ask yourself how you imagine they felt when you hurt them and make sure to identify at least four different emotions; more is better. After you have really considered how they felt, both towards you and themselves, ask yourself “Has anyone else ever harmed them this way in their life?” Often the most significant instances will be in their childhoods. For example, if you cheated on your partner and their parents divorced because of infidelity, you need to realize the painful parallel.
Apologize Sincerely
Pick a time when the two of you can set aside at least an hour to talk things through. Make consistent eye contact with your partner because this will trigger their brain to encode what you say as new information. This makes it less likely they will hear what you say, rather than dwell on things that have gone on in the past.
Touch them if they will permit it by holding their hand or putting a hand on their shoulder. Tell them that you recognize and understand how you hurt them. Be as specific as possible. Say things like, “I’m sure you felt…” When you have fully empathized with your partner’s experience, tell them you are deeply sorry for the hurt you caused them.
Make a Prevention Plan
After you have communicated how you believe you hurt your partner and made a genuine apology, explain how you will guard against this behavior in the future. For instance, if the resentment in your marriage stems from talking about your partner behind their back, you can say, “I agree not to talk about you to other people ever again because now I see how much it affects you.” If situations come up in the future where you implement this prevention plan, let your partner know. When you do this repeatedly, you rebuild trust in the relationship.
Practice Self-Compassion
Realizing you have deeply hurt someone you love and caused them to harbor resentment can foster self-recrimination. However, beating ourselves up isn’t actually a very effective path to change.3 Practicing self-compassion can improve your ability to regulate yourself and make healthier choices, which is likely to help you avoid damaging your relationship in the future.4
Practice Gratitude
It can help the healing process to make a list of all of the things that your partner does for you—no matter how small—so that you can have a visible spreadsheet of them. Challenge yourself to come up with 50 things, taking your time over several days if needed. There is plenty of research on the benefits of practicing gratitude, such as higher satisfaction with life and self-esteem. Much like forgiveness, the main recipient of these benefits is actually you.6
When to Seek Professional Help
Resentment in a marriage is a highly toxic emotion that can do real damage over time. If you have tried to discuss these issues with a partner without avail, it may be time to seek counseling. While couples counseling is a substantial investment, it can lead to a much more positive and satisfying outcome.
To get the most out of your experience, be sure to take time to prepare for your couples counseling sessions. When finding a marriage counselor, consider looking for a provider who works with couples, even if you plan to go alone. That helps ensure that both perspectives are kept in mind, as couples therapists are trained to think systemically. An online therapist directory is a great place to start your search.
In My Experience
As a couples therapist, I have seen time and time again that couples can heal through ruptures. Most couples who come to me are stuck in resentment on one side and shame and hopelessness on the other. But no matter the damage that was done, I have seen couple after couple roll up their sleeves and do the work. In some ways, healing a major rift can be a huge gift to the relationship because it can teach you things you might otherwise never have mastered. So, whether you decide to work on this alone or seek counseling, please know that resentment in a marriage can be moved past and the future can look bright.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp
Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
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For Further Reading
- Negativity / Dr. Alexandra Katehakis
- Resentment / The Recovery Show
- The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection / Dr. Robert Karen
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options
Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state.
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- Communication problems / too many arguments
- Emotional distance or lack of love
- Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating
Are Your Relationship Doubts a Symptom of Relationship OCD or a Wrong Relationship?
Have you ever wondered to yourself, “What if I’m not in love with my partner anymore? What if I’ve never been?” For some people, these thoughts are more than occasional. They can become constant and overwhelming, and even lead to compulsive actions like seeking reassurance to quiet them. When these thoughts and actions rise to the level of obsessive-compulsive order (OCD), they are known as relationship OCD, or ROCD.