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  • What Is Resentment in Marriage?What Is Resentment in Marriage?
  • Signs & SymptomsSigns & Symptoms
  • CausesCauses
  • How to Let GoHow to Let Go
  • What to Do if You Caused ItWhat to Do if You Caused It
  • EffectsEffects
  • Can a Marriage Recover?Can a Marriage Recover?
  • When to Seek HelpWhen to Seek Help
  • In My ExperienceIn My Experience
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources
Relationship Articles Couples Counseling Communication Styles Infidelity Online Couples Counseling

Resentment in Marriage: Causes, Signs, & How to Overcome It

Headshot of Krista Jordan Remington, PhD

Author: Krista Jordan, PhD

Headshot of Krista Jordan Remington, PhD

Krista Jordan PhD

Dr. Jordan specializes in attachment-based therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and interpersonal neurobiology, with a focus on relationship issues, self-esteem, and family dynamics. She’s an educator and consultant in her field.

See My Bio Editorial Policy
Headshot of Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Medical Reviewer: Naveed Saleh, MD, MS Licensed medical reviewer

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Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Dr. Saleh is an experienced physician and a leading voice in medical journalism. His contributions to evidence-based mental health sites have helped raise awareness and reduce stigma associated with mental health disorders.

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Published: July 9, 2024
  • What Is Resentment in Marriage?What Is Resentment in Marriage?
  • Signs & SymptomsSigns & Symptoms
  • CausesCauses
  • How to Let GoHow to Let Go
  • What to Do if You Caused ItWhat to Do if You Caused It
  • EffectsEffects
  • Can a Marriage Recover?Can a Marriage Recover?
  • When to Seek HelpWhen to Seek Help
  • In My ExperienceIn My Experience
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources

Resentment in marriage often originates from unresolved conflicts and unaddressed grievances. Dealing with unprofessional behavior, insults, or a breach of trust can be extremely painful experiences. To overcome resentment, you’ll need to recognize signs like persistent anger, emotional withdrawal, and lack of intimacy. You’ll also need to open up the lines of communication, face forgiveness squarely, and potentially get some guidance from a therapist to reestablish a strong bond.

Resentment in Marriage

What Is Resentment in Marriage?

Resentment in a marriage prevents partners from being vulnerable and authentic with one another. This causes them to close up emotionally, and the intimacy in the relationship starts to wither.

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Signs & Symptoms of Resentment in Marriage

Signs of resentment in a marriage may include behaviors such as going to bed late, coming home from work late, or avoiding a partner altogether. It could also look like purposefully annoying a partner by frequently drinking with friends, arriving at an event late, or spending money in irresponsible ways.

If resentment is left unchecked, the couple feels as if they are drifting apart and no longer identify each other as the primary person in their life. While everyone experiences emotions slightly differently, certain feelings and behaviors geared toward a partner may be signs of resentment in a marriage.

Signs of resentment in a marriage may include:

  • Feelings of anger or frustration
  • Comparing a partner to others and feeling jealous
  • One partner using the silent treatment
  • Using generalized statements, like “You always…” or, “You never…”
  • General hostility or passive-aggressive behaviors
  • Rumination or obsession over what a partner is doing wrong
  • De-prioritizing a partner and instead turning to others for fun, comfort, or advice
  • Avoiding a partner
  • Talking poorly about a partner to others
  • Making a partner the butt of jokes when others are around or pointing out their flaws to others
  • Losing sexual attraction to a partner
  • Doing things intentionally to annoy/upset a partner repeatedly

What Causes Resentment in Marriage?

Resentment in a marriage is the result of not healing a wound between partners. Whether these wounds include betrayal, a lack of communication, or criticism, they need to be gently re-opened and inspected. Only then can the offending partner offer a true empathic apology and move on, often forging an even stronger bond. Researcher Dr. John Gottman called resentment one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships, and a predictor of divorce.

Common causes of resentment include:

Betrayal

Any kind of betrayal (financial, sexual, etc.) can lead to strong feelings of resentment in a marriage. When our partners betray us, it can feel like the world is coming in on us. When those feelings aren’t addressed, acknowledged, and processed, it can lead to strong feelings of resentment.

Hurtful Words

When our partner calls us names, bullies us, or is mean to us, that can really hurt us. We trust our partners to be mindful and careful with our emotions. When they are deliberately hurting us with name-calling, those feelings can fester and develop into resentment.

Underperforming & Lack of Support

It can be difficult to manage all the demands and needs in a relationship. If one partner is not supportive when the other is struggling (with chores, income, etc.), it can leave the struggling partner feeling alone. They may feel angry that their partner isn’t more validating or as understanding as they should be, which can develop into resentment in a marriage over time.

Not Prioritizing the Relationship in the Same Ways

When partners are not on the same page and having conversations about the marriage, it can lead to issues. When it seems like one partner is not putting as much of a priority on the marriage, the other partner feels resentful of the time, effort, and energy they are dedicating.

Inconsiderate Behaviors

Partners who are not considerate or respectful of our time and desires can lead to resentment in a marriage, especially when they do not communicate changes in plans or delays. This could look like being chronically late or not responding to texts and phone calls. When the partner blows their behavior off as “no big deal” and constantly continues acting this way, it can leave the other partner feeling dissatisfied and unimportant.

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How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage

Getting over resentment in a marriage seems like an impossible task, but there are ways to move through these feelings and move forward from them.

Below are seven ways to let go of resentment in a marriage:

1. Let Yourself Feel

It’s important to acknowledge what you feel and avoid suppressing negative emotions. If you continuously do so, your emotions will fester and grow out of hand. Letting yourself experience all your feelings and move through them allows the process of truly moving on from them to take place.

2. Talk to a Friend

Connecting with a trusted friend who makes you feel safe can offer a sense of relief. This allows you to express your feelings and experiences in a non-judgemental space. The friend can offer validation, new perspectives, and remind you that you don’t have to go through marriage stressors alone. Reaching out to a friend can offer a sense of clarity.

3. Understand Where the Resentment Came From

Did these feelings of resentment start recently? Likely, this is not the case. Resentment stems from patterns of mistakes made in the relationship, and you may have tried to set things straight in the past with no lasting change. Resentment in a marriage comes from the sum of conflicts that have not been properly addressed. Understanding this and taking stock of these issues is an important step toward resolution.

4. Remind Yourself That Mistakes Happen

At the same time, understand that we all make mistakes. When a mistake keeps happening, it’s essential to dig deeper and consider the reasons behind it. Being able to accept missteps is necessary, but considering what your boundaries are and how to address issues as a couple is equally as important. Couples therapy may be a good way to handle and make sense of these mistakes.

5. Work Toward Forgiveness

It can feel easy to want to forgive because we love someone, but you need to recognize when you are truly ready to do so. If you say you forgive your partner but then find yourself feeling resentful, then this can seem unfair to your partner. Take your time to determine where you are emotionally before making any decision or statement of resolution.

6. Talk With Your Partner

Resentment tends to build up when we are feeling unheard, like our boundaries aren’t being respected, or our needs aren’t being met. The resentment is telling us that something isn’t right and that we want change. Open communication within the marriage is imperative to taking action and making changes to get your needs met. By communicating with your partner, you can let them know how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. This can be accomplished by using active listening, validation, and “I” statements.

7. Consider Therapy

If it feels like you’re hitting a wall and nothing is working, it might be time to consider therapy, either on your own or with your partner. Individual therapy can help you identify your needs, establish boundaries that honor your values, and develop skills to manage emotions, while also uncovering any underlying issues. Couples therapy provides a safe, neutral space for both partners to commit to resolving conflicts and rebuilding trust together.

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What to Do If You Caused the Resentment in the Relationship

If you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment, you need to understand what fully and permanently repairing this rupture involves. Take the necessary steps and don’t rush them. It’s important to be thorough and thoughtful. Write things down or rehearse them in front of a mirror. Take the time to do it right so you can put the past to bed for good.

Here are steps to take if you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment:

Have Some Empathy

First and foremost, you really need to climb into the shoes of the one you hurt. Not just a little bit, but as much and deeply as you can. Ask yourself how you imagine they felt when you hurt them and make sure to identify at least four different emotions; more is better. After you have really considered how they felt, both towards you and themselves, ask yourself “Has anyone else ever harmed them this way in their life?” Often the most significant instances will be in their childhoods. For example, if you cheated on your partner and their parents divorced because of infidelity, you need to realize the painful parallel.

Apologize Sincerely

Pick a time when the two of you can set aside at least an hour to talk things through. Make consistent eye contact with your partner because this will trigger their brain to encode what you say as new information. This makes it more likely they will hear what you say, rather than dwell on things that have gone on in the past.

Touch them if they will permit it by holding their hand or putting a hand on their shoulder. Tell them that you recognize and understand how you hurt them. Be as specific as possible. Say things like, “I’m sure you felt…” When you have fully empathized with your partner’s experience, tell them you are deeply sorry for the hurt you caused them.

Make a Prevention Plan

After you have communicated how you believe you hurt your partner and made a genuine apology, explain how you will guard against this behavior in the future. For instance, if the resentment in your marriage stems from talking about your partner behind their back, you can say, “I agree not to talk about you to other people ever again because now I see how much it affects you.” If situations come up in the future where you implement this prevention plan, let your partner know. When you do this repeatedly, you rebuild trust in the relationship.

Practice Self-Compassion

Realizing you have deeply hurt someone you love and caused them to harbor resentment can foster self-recrimination. However, beating ourselves up isn’t actually a very effective path to change.3 Practicing self-compassion can improve your ability to regulate yourself and make healthier choices, which is likely to help you avoid damaging your relationship in the future.4

Practice Gratitude

It can help the healing process to make a list of all of the things that your partner does for you—no matter how small—so that you can have a visible spreadsheet of them. Challenge yourself to come up with 50 things, taking your time over several days if needed. There is plenty of research on the benefits of practicing gratitude, such as higher satisfaction with life and self-esteem. Much like forgiveness, the main recipient of these benefits is actually you.6

Effects of Resentment in Marriage

Resentment can build up when things don’t change and issues aren’t being communicated clearly. Resentment in marriage can look like feeling short tempered and impatient with each other or not leaning in to connect – which then increases the feelings of disconnect, and it eventually can lead to separation. The longer the resentment builds the more of an impact it will have on both individuals involved.

Some devastating effects of resentment in a marriage include:

Lack of Connection Between Partners

Resentment within a relationship stifles compassion and understanding. Without these crucial elements, partners lose the ability to support each other and no longer feel like a safe space for vulnerability. This shift leads them to see each other as adversaries rather than partners in navigating difficult situations. As communication and connection deteriorate, misunderstandings and resentment only continue to grow.

Loss of Trust

Resentment gradually erodes trust and replaces it with bitterness. As each partner continues to feel unable to express themselves and relationship issues go unresolved, a barrier is created. As this barrier blocks out open communication and intimacy, neither partner is able to rely on the other, undermining trust within the relationship.

Breakup or Divorce

As unresolved issues accumulate, trust erodes, and a sense of disconnect grows, separation or divorce can start to seem like the only option. The relationship’s foundation weakens, making reconciliation more challenging. Without a strong commitment to repair and rebuilding the relationship, the likelihood of divorce increases significantly.

Decline in Mental Health

A relationship filled with resentment can be mentally and emotionally draining. The constant stress and irritability can lead to sleep disturbances, impaired focus, isolation, and other issues. This environment fosters self-doubt and hinders day-to-day functioning. Prolonged management of resentment in a relationship is unsustainable and detrimental to mental health.

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Can a Marriage Recover From Resentment?

Marriages can recover from resentment, but it takes time and consistent effort from both partners. It challenges partners to forgive one another for the behaviors that led to feelings of resentment and hurt. However, that isn’t an easy task. Forgiveness takes time and dedication, as well as work to change the behaviors that were causing resentment to fester.

When to Seek Professional Help

Resentment in a marriage is a highly toxic emotion that can do real damage over time. If you have tried to discuss these issues with a partner without avail, it may be time to seek marriage and couples counseling. While couples counseling is a substantial investment, it can lead to a much more positive and satisfying outcome.

To get the most out of your experience, be sure to take time to prepare for your couples counseling sessions. You can start your search for a marriage counselor locally or explore online couples counseling options such as ReGain Couples Counseling. If you need a more affordable option, consider the Lasting App.

In My Experience

Headshot of Krista Jordan Remington, PhD Krista Jordan, PhD

“As a couples therapist, I have seen time and time again that couples can heal through ruptures. Most couples who come to me are stuck in resentment on one side and shame and hopelessness on the other. But no matter the damage that was done, I have seen couple after couple roll up their sleeves and do the work. In some ways, healing a major rift can be a huge gift to the relationship because it can teach you things you might otherwise never have mastered. So, whether you decide to work on this alone or seek counseling, please know that resentment in a marriage can be moved past and the future can look bright.”

Resentment in Marriage Infographics

Signs of Resentment in a Marriage   Signs of Resentment in a Marriage   What Causes Resentment in Marriage

How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage   What to Do If You Caused the Resentment in the Relationship

Sources Update History

ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Gottman, J.N. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony, 1st Edition.

  • Fincham, F.D., Hall J. & Beach, S.R. (2006). Forgiveness in Marriage: Current Status and Future Directions. Family Relations, 55, 415–427.

  • Neff, K. (2015).Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow, Reprint edition, ISBN-10: ‎0061733520

  • Dundas, I., et al.(2017). Does a short self-compassion intervention for students increase healthy self-regulation? A randomized control trial. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 58(5), 443-450.

  • Enright, R. (2015) 8 Keys to Forgiveness, W. W. Norton & Company; 1st edition. ISBN-10: ‎0393734056

  • Rash, J.A., Matsuba, M.K & Prkachin, K.M. (2011). Gratitude and Well-Being: Who Benefits the Most from a Gratitude Intervention? Applied Psychology: Health and Well Being, 3(3), 350-369. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1758-0854.2011.01058.

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We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

July 9, 2024
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Edited “How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage”. Added new section “Effects of Resentment in Marriage”. New content written by Samantha Bickham, LMHC and reviewed by Benjamin Troy, MD.
March 23, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity; Reviewed and added relevant resources; Added “What Causes Resentment in Marriage?”, “Can a Marriage Recover From Resentment?”, and “How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Dena Westphalen, PharmD.
June 22, 2021
Author: Krista Jordan, PhD
Reviewer: Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Show more Click here to open the article update history container.

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