Research on couples in conflict indicates that resentment is one of the big relationship killers. When resentment arises, we need to sit up and pay attention. One of the best ways to deal with resentment is open communication. If a couple has difficulty talking about past hurts without stirring up more anger, they may need help from a couples therapist.
What Causes Resentment in Marriage?
Resentment is the byproduct of not truly healing a wound between people. This unhealed emotional wound needs to be gently re-opened and inspected. Only then can the offending partner offer a true empathic apology and move on, often forging an even stronger bond. Researcher Dr. John Gottman called resentment one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships.1
Common causes of resentment include:
Betrayal
Any kind of betrayal (financial, sexual, etc) can lead to strong feelings of resentment. When our partners betray us, it can feel like the world is coming in on us. When those feelings aren’t addressed, acknowledged, and processed, it can lead to strong feelings of resentment.
Hurtful Words
When our partner calls us names, bullies us, or is mean to us, that can really hurt. We trust our partners to be mindful and careful with our emotions, and when they are deliberately hurting us with name calling, those feelings can fester and develop into resentment.
Underperforming & Lack of support
It can be difficult to manage all the demands and needs in a relationship. One partner may be struggling (at home with chores, at work with income, etc.), and if the other partner is not supportive, it can leave the struggling partner feeling alone. The one struggling may feel angry that their partner isn’t more supportive and understanding like they would be, which can develop into resentment over time.
Not Prioritizing the Relationship in the Same Ways
When partners are not on the same page and are not having conversations about the relationship, it can lead to issues. When it feels like one partner is not putting as much of a priority on the relationship, it can leave the other partner feeling resentful of the time, effort, and energy they are putting in.
Inconsiderate Behaviors
When our partners are not considerate or respectful of our time and desires, and do not communicate changes in plans or delays, it can definitely cause issues. This could look like being chronically late or not responding to texts or phone calls. When the partner then blows it off as not a big deal, and constantly continues these negative behaviors, it can leave the other partner feeling resentful.
When we resent our partner, it prevents us from being vulnerable and authentic around them. This causes us to close up emotionally, and the intimacy in the relationship starts to wither. If resentment is left unchecked, the couple feels as if they are drifting apart and no longer identify each other as the primary person in their life.
Signs of Resentment in Relationships
While everyone experiences emotions slightly differently, the following emotions and behaviors geared toward your partner may be signs of resentment in a relationship:
- Feelings of anger or frustration
- Comparing your partner to others and feeling jealous
- Giving your partner the silent treatment
- Using generalized statements, like “You always…” or, “You never…”
- General hostility or being passive aggressive
- Rumination or obsession over what your partner is doing wrong
- De-prioritizing your partner and turning to other people instead of for fun, comfort, or advice
- Avoiding your partner, such as coming to bed late, coming home from work late and making yourself scarce when they are around
- Talking poorly about your partner to other people (friends, co-workers, your children or your own family of origin)
- Making your partner the butt of jokes when others are around or pointing out their flaws to others
- Losing sexual attraction to your partner
- Doing things that you know annoys/upsets your partner repeatedly (going out drinking with friends, being late without communicating that, spending money in ways the two of you have not agreed upon, etc.)
Can a Marriage Recover From Resentment?
Marriages can recover from resentment, but it takes time and consistent effort from both partners. It challenges partners to forgive their partner who has hurt them and led them to feelings of resentment, but that isn’t an easy task. Forgiveness takes time and effort, as well as work from both partners to change the behaviors that were causing resentment to fester.
How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage
Getting through resentment seems like an impossible task, but there are ways to move through these feelings and move forward from them:
Let Yourself Feel
It’s important to acknowledge what you feel and not avoid negative emotions. If you avoid these feelings, they will fester and continue to grow out of hand. Letting yourself feel all your feelings and move through them will let you go through the process it takes to truly move on from them.
Talk to Someone
Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or a relative, it’s important to have a support system of people around you to talk to for perspective. Sometimes, talking to family and friends is enough, but sometimes resentment can feel so overwhelming that you may need to consider speaking with a therapist to help you make sense of what is happening.
Understand Where the Resentment Came From
Did these feelings of resentment start just now? Likely, this is not the case. Resentment stems from patterns of mistakes made in the relationship, and you may have tried to set things straight in the past with no lasting change. Resentment comes from the sum of issues in the relationship that have not been properly addressed. Understanding this and taking stock of the issues is an important step toward resolution.
Remind Yourself That Mistakes Happen
At the same time, understand that as humans, we all make mistakes. When a mistake keeps happening, it’s important to dig deeper and consider why it keeps happening. Being able to accept mistakes is important, but it’s just as important to consider what your boundaries are and how to address these issues as a couple. Couples therapy may be a good way to handle and make sense of these mistakes.
Work Toward Forgiveness
It can feel easy to want to forgive because we love someone, but it’s important to know when you are truly ready for forgiveness. If you say you forgive your partner but then find yourself feeling continued resentment, then that can feel unfair to your partner. It’s important to take your time and know where you are emotionally before making any decision or statement of resolution.
What to Do If You Caused the Resentment in the Relationship
If you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment, you need to get clear on the job ahead, which is to fully and permanently repair this rupture. Take these steps and don’t rush them. It’s important to be thorough and thoughtful. Write things down or rehearse it in front of a mirror. Take the time to do it right so you can put the past to bed permanently.
Here are five steps to take if you’ve hurt your partner and caused resentment:
Have Some Empathy
First and foremost, you really need to climb in the shoes of the one you hurt. Not just a little but as much and as deeply as you can. Ask yourself how you imagine they felt when you hurt them and make sure to list out at least four different feelings. More is better. After you have really considered how they felt both towards you and towards themselves ask yourself “has anyone else ever hurt them this way in their life?” Often the most significant instances will be in their childhoods. For example, if you cheated on your partner and their parents divorced over infidelity you need to realize the painful parallel.
Apologize Sincerely
Pick a time when the two of you can have at least an hour to talk things through. Make consistent eye contact with your partner because this will trigger their brain to encode what you say as new information. It makes it less likely they will hear what you say through old filters of things that have gone on in the past.
Touch them if they will permit it (hold their hand or put a hand on their shoulder). Tell them everything you have realized about how you hurt them. Be as specific as possible. Say things like “I bet you felt…” When you have fully empathized with your partner’s experience tell them you are deeply sorry for the hurt you caused them.
Make a Prevention Plan
After you have communicated how you think you hurt your partner and made a genuine apology, you need to explain how you will guard against hurting them in this way in the future. Be specific on how you will make sure of it. For instance, if you hurt your partner by talking about them behind their back you can say “I agree not to talk about you to other people ever again because now I see how much it hurts you.”
If situations come up in the future where you actually implement your prevention plan, circle back and tell your partner. When you do this repeatedly you rebuild trust in your partner that you are not going to cause them this same pain again.
Practice Self-Compassion
Realizing you have deeply hurt someone you love and caused them to harbor resentment can bring on self-recrimination, but social scientists have shown that beating ourselves up isn’t actually a very effective path for change.3 Practicing self-compassion can improve your ability to regulate yourself and make healthier choices, which is likely to support you not doing things that could damage your relationship in the future.4
Practice Gratitude
It can help the healing process to make a list of all of the things that your partner does for you—no matter how small—so that you can have a more balanced spreadsheet of them. Challenge yourself to come up with 50 things. Take your time and do it over several days if you have to. There is plenty of research on the benefits of gratitude practice such as higher satisfaction with life and self-esteem. Much like forgiveness, the main recipient of these benefits is actually you.6
When to See a Therapist for Resentment in Marriage
Resentment is a highly toxic emotion that can do real damage over time. Some couples can have these painful, but important conversations on their own, but many need help. If you have tried to talk about a big rupture a few times and it hasn’t helped, it may be time for counseling.
While couples counseling is a substantial investment, it is almost always cheaper than walking away and has a much more satisfying outcome. Couples can expect to spend anywhere from $1,000-$5,000 for a good rehabilitation of the relationship if there have been serious hurts. To get the most out of couples counseling, prepare for your counseling sessions. Then give yourself time to work on things, usually six months to one year. The benefit of the investment in time and money is that those skills get carried forward.
To find a qualified therapist I recommend looking for someone who works with couples, even if you plan to go alone. That helps ensure that both perspectives are held in mind as couples therapists are trained to think systemically. An online therapist directory is a great place to start looking.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With Resentment in a Marriage
As a couples therapist, I have seen time and time again that couples can heal through ruptures. Most couples that come to me are stuck in resentment on one side and shame and hopelessness on the other. But no matter the damage that was done I have seen couple after couple roll up their sleeves and do the work.
I have watched people change and grow and impress themselves as well as their partners. In some ways, healing a major rupture can be a huge gift to the relationship because it can teach you things you might otherwise never have mastered. So whether you decide to work on this alone or seek counseling please know that resentment can be moved past and the future can look bright.
For Further Reading
- Dr. Alexandra Katehakis’ video on Negativity (believe me, resentment fits in here!)
- Podcast – ”The Recovery Show” episode on Resentment
- Book by Dr. Robert Karen, The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection
Resentment in Marriage Infographics
