Resentment in Marriage: Causes, Signs, & How to Overcome It

What Is Resentment in Marriage?

Resentment in a marriage prevents partners from being vulnerable and authentic with one another. This causes them to close up emotionally, and the intimacy in the relationship starts to wither.

Signs & Symptoms of Resentment in Marriage

Signs of resentment in a marriage may include behaviors such as going to bed late, coming home from work late, or avoiding a partner altogether. It could also look like purposefully annoying a partner by frequently drinking with friends, arriving at an event late, or spending money in irresponsible ways.

If resentment is left unchecked, the couple feels as if they are drifting apart and no longer identify each other as the primary person in their life. While everyone experiences emotions slightly differently, certain feelings and behaviors geared toward a partner may be signs of resentment in a marriage.

Signs of resentment in a marriage may include:

• Feelings of anger or frustration
• Comparing a partner to others and feeling jealous
• One partner using the silent treatment
• Using generalized statements, like “You always…” or, “You never…”
• General hostility or passive-aggressive behaviors
• Rumination or obsession over what a partner is doing wrong
• De-prioritizing a partner and instead turning to others for fun, comfort, or advice
• Avoiding a partner
• Talking poorly about a partner to others
• Making a partner the butt of jokes when others are around or pointing out their flaws to others
• Losing sexual attraction to a partner
• Doing things intentionally to annoy/upset a partner repeatedly

What Causes Resentment in Marriage?

Resentment in a marriage is the result of not healing a wound between partners. Whether these wounds include betrayal, a lack of communication, or criticism, they need to be gently re-opened and inspected. Only then can the offending partner offer a true empathic apology and move on, often forging an even stronger bond. Researcher Dr. John Gottman called resentment one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships, and a predictor of divorce.

Common causes of resentment include:

Betrayal

Any kind of betrayal (financial, sexual, etc.) can lead to strong feelings of resentment in a marriage. When our partners betray us, it can feel like the world is coming in on us. When those feelings aren’t addressed, acknowledged, and processed, it can lead to strong feelings of resentment.

Hurtful Words

When our partner calls us names, bullies us, or is mean to us, that can really hurt us. We trust our partners to be mindful and careful with our emotions. When they are deliberately hurting us with name-calling, those feelings can fester and develop into resentment.

Underperforming & Lack of Support

It can be difficult to manage all the demands and needs in a relationship. If one partner is not supportive when the other is struggling (with chores, income, etc.), it can leave the struggling partner feeling alone. They may feel angry that their partner isn’t more validating or as understanding as they should be, which can develop into resentment in a marriage over time.

Not Prioritizing the Relationship in the Same Ways

When partners are not on the same page and having conversations about the marriage, it can lead to issues. When it seems like one partner is not putting as much of a priority on the marriage, the other partner feels resentful of the time, effort, and energy they are dedicating.

Inconsiderate Behaviors

Partners who are not considerate or respectful of our time and desires can lead to resentment in a marriage, especially when they do not communicate changes in plans or delays. This could look like being chronically late or not responding to texts and phone calls. When the partner blows their behavior off as “no big deal” and constantly continues acting this way, it can leave the other partner feeling dissatisfied and unimportant.

How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage

Getting over resentment in a marriage seems like an impossible task, but there are ways to move through these feelings and move forward from them.

Below are seven ways to let go of resentment in a marriage:

1. Let Yourself Feel

It’s important to acknowledge what you feel and avoid suppressing negative emotions. If you continuously do so, your emotions will fester and grow out of hand. Letting yourself experience all your feelings and move through them allows the process of truly moving on from them to take place.

2. Talk to a Friend

Connecting with a trusted friend who makes you feel safe can offer a sense of relief. This allows you to express your feelings and experiences in a non-judgemental space. The friend can offer validation, new perspectives, and remind you that you don’t have to go through marriage stressors alone. Reaching out to a friend can offer a sense of clarity.

3. Understand Where the Resentment Came From

Did these feelings of resentment start recently? Likely, this is not the case. Resentment stems from patterns of mistakes made in the relationship, and you may have tried to set things straight in the past with no lasting change. Resentment in a marriage comes from the sum of conflicts that have not been properly addressed. Understanding this and taking stock of these issues is an important step toward resolution.

4. Remind Yourself That Mistakes Happen

At the same time, understand that we all make mistakes. When a mistake keeps happening, it’s essential to dig deeper and consider the reasons behind it. Being able to accept missteps is necessary, but considering what your boundaries are and how to address issues as a couple is equally as important. Couples therapy may be a good way to handle and make sense of these mistakes.

5. Work Toward Forgiveness

It can feel easy to want to forgive because we love someone, but you need to recognize when you are truly ready to do so. If you say you forgive your partner but then find yourself feeling resentful, then this can seem unfair to your partner. Take your time to determine where you are emotionally before making any decision or statement of resolution.

6. Talk With Your Partner

Resentment tends to build up when we are feeling unheard, like our boundaries aren’t being respected, or our needs aren’t being met. The resentment is telling us that something isn’t right and that we want change. Open communication within the marriage is imperative to taking action and making changes to get your needs met. By communicating with your partner, you can let them know how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. This can be accomplished by using active listening, validation, and “I” statements.

7. Consider Therapy

If it feels like you’re hitting a wall and nothing is working, it might be time to consider therapy, either on your own or with your partner. Individual therapy can help you identify your needs, establish boundaries that honor your values, and develop skills to manage emotions, while also uncovering any underlying issues. Couples therapy provides a safe, neutral space for both partners to commit to resolving conflicts and rebuilding trust together.