Research on couples in conflict indicates that resentment is one of the big relationship killers. When resentment arises, we need to sit up and pay attention. One of the best ways to deal with resentment is open communication. If a couple has difficulty talking about past hurts without stirring up more anger, they may need help from a couples therapist.
What Causes Resentment in a Relationship?
Researcher Dr. John Gottman called resentment one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships.1 Resentment blends two of the most predictive feelings of uncoupling—criticism and contempt—into one potent cocktail. Resentment is the byproduct of not truly healing a wound between people. This unhealed emotional wound needs to be gently re-opened and inspected. Only then can the offending partner offer a true empathic apology and move on, often forging an even stronger bond.
Common causes of resentment include:
- Betrayal (whether that is financial, sexual, etc)
- One partner is underperforming (at home with chores, at work with income, etc.)
- One partner is not prioritizing the relationship at the level that the other needs it to be prioritized
- Behaviors that feel inconsiderate (being chronically late, not responding to communications, etc.)
When we resent our partner, it prevents us from being vulnerable and authentic around them. This causes us to close up emotionally, and the intimacy in the relationship starts to wither. If resentment is left unchecked, the couple feels as if they are drifting apart and no longer identify each other as the primary person in their life.
Other things, whether it’s work, the kids, hobbies, or friends take the place of the partner in terms of priority and energy. Eventually, the relationship either exists at a hostile stalemate or breaks up.
Signs You Resent Your Partner
While everyone experiences emotions slightly differently, if you feel some of the following emotions towards your partner often you are likely in resentment territory:
- Anger
- Frustration
- Hostility
- Bitterness
- Scorn
- Ridicule
- Rumination/obsession
The following behaviors, whether you direct them at your partner or the converse, may also be signs of resentment in a relationship:
- De-prioritizing your partner and turning to other people instead of for fun, comfort or advice
- Avoiding your partner, such as coming to bed late, coming home from work late and making yourself scarce when they are around
- Talking poorly about your partner to other people (friends, co-workers, your children or your own family of origin)
- Making your partner the butt of jokes when others are around or pointing out their flaws to others
- Losing sexual attraction to your partner
- Doing things that you know annoys/upsets your partner repeatedly (going out drinking with friends, being late without communicating that, spending money in ways the two of you have not agreed upon, etc.)
How to Fix Resentment in a Marriage: 7 Tips
To move past resentment you will need to have some sense of what forgiveness looks like. In their article on forgiveness in marriage, Fincham, Hall and Beach note that “common to most definitions of forgiveness is the idea of a change whereby one becomes less motivated to think, feel, and behave negatively (e.g., retaliate, withdraw) in regard to the offender.”2
Ask yourself, “Am I ready to let go of some of my negative thoughts, feelings and impulses related to this person’s offense?” If the answer is yes, then you can start letting go of resentment. If you are the one who has hurt your partner it’s time to do some heavy lifting. You have caused a breach and even though your partner isn’t perfect, now is not the time to get them to admit their own short comings.
You need to get clear on the job ahead, which is to fully and permanently repair this rupture. Take these steps and don’t rush them. It’s important to be thorough and thoughtful. Write things down or rehearse it in front of a mirror. Take the time to do it right so you can put the past to bed permanently.
1. Have Some Empathy
First and foremost, you really need to climb in the shoes of the one you hurt. Not just a little but as much and as deeply as you can. Ask yourself how you imagine they felt when you hurt them and make sure to list out at least 4 different feelings. More is better.
Most people, when hurt, will feel some mixture of surprise, anger, sadness, disappointment, confusion, and a host of other emotions. They may also feel upset with themselves for trusting you, giving you the opportunity to hurt them or being naive. After you have really considered how they felt both towards you and towards themselves ask yourself “has anyone else ever hurt them this way in their life?” Often the most significant instances will be in their childhoods. For example, if you cheated on your partner and their parents divorced over infidelity you need to realize the painful parallel.
Of course, it can be hard to extend empathy to someone who has hurt us. But a truly healthy person is able to take another’s perspective even when it’s hard. That’s part of emotional maturity. So take a deep breath and dig in. Can you imagine how your partner feels right now knowing that they have hurt you? Were there any extenuating circumstances to the hurtful event? Did your partner learn good relationship skills in childhood or might they struggle in taking care of others due to their own upbringing?
Let’s be clear, this is not to absolve them of responsibility or diminish how hurt you feel. It’s only to broaden your perspective to remember that there are two people in this equation. Spend some time thinking about this and even write some thoughts down. See if you can have new insights into your partner and their experience while at the same time still allowing yourself to feel hurt. Remember you are going to benefit as much as they are from moving past the resentment so this will ultimately be a gift for you as well.
2. Apologize Sincerely
After you have done a very thorough job of all of the steps in empathizing you need to voice this to your partner. Pick a time when the two of you can have at least an hour to talk things through. Make consistent eye contact with your partner because this will trigger their brain to encode what you say as new information. It makes it less likely they will hear what you say through old filters of things that have gone on in the past.
Touch them if they will permit it (hold their hand or put a hand on their shoulder). Tell them everything you have realized about how you hurt them. Be as specific as possible. Say things like “I bet you felt…” When you have fully empathized with your partner’s experience tell them you are deeply sorry for the hurt you caused them.
You may be tempted to look away as we often do when feeling shame, but it is important to look at your partner when you tell them you are truly sorry. Be sure not to rush through this. Give this part at least 30 minutes and go slowly. Rushing may make your partner feel like you just want to get it over with and don’t really mean what you are saying.
3. Make a Prevention Plan
After you have communicated how you think you hurt your partner and made a genuine apology, you need to explain how you will guard against hurting them in this way in the future. Don’t promise to never hurt them again because humans are imperfect and the honest fact is you probably will do something at some point that is hurtful. But let them know you won’t hurt them in this same way again.
Be specific on how you will make sure of that. For instance, if you hurt your partner by talking about them behind their back you can say “I agree not to talk about you to other people ever again because now I see how much it hurts you.” Of course, don’t make promises you can’t keep. If situations come up in the future where you actually implement your prevention plan, circle back and tell your partner.
If you promised not to talk about them to others and the opportunity comes up you can go back to your partner and say “I know we weren’t getting along earlier but when I got together with my friends I didn’t say anything to them because that’s what we agreed to, and I want you to know I am honoring that agreement.” When you do this repeatedly you rebuild trust in your partner that you are not going to cause them this same pain again.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Realizing you have deeply hurt someone you love and caused them to harbor resentment can bring on self-recrimination.3
While many people believe this will help them not “re-offend,” social scientists have shown that beating ourselves up isn’t actually a very effective path for change.
Practicing self-compassion can improve your ability to regulate yourself and make healthier choices, which is likely to support you not doing things that could damage your relationship in the future.4
So after you have made your thorough apology, follow it up with some self-love exercises to help you feel less shame and integrate the positive changes you have made through this process.
5. Practice Forgiveness
After your partner has done their very best at apologizing you will need to think about what forgiveness means to you. Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives and can reduce depression, anxiety, anger, and even symptoms of PTSD.5
It can also be helpful to remember that forgiveness is a process. You can go as slow as you like and only you know how far you want to go with it.
Some work towards forgiveness is better than none, and you don’t have to do it all at once. It may also be helpful to realize that forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. You don’t forget that touching a hot stove is painful and that memory keeps you from doing it again. But you don’t yell at the stove every time you walk into the kitchen. Forgiving is not going to make you forget but it will help neutralize the powerful feelings that go along with the memory.
6. Practice Gratitude
It can help the healing process to make a list of all of the things that your partner does for you—no matter how small—so that you can have a more balanced spreadsheet of them. Challenge yourself to come up with 50 things. Take your time and do it over several days if you have to. There is plenty of research on the benefits of gratitude practice such as higher satisfaction with life and self-esteem. Much like forgiveness, the main recipient of these benefits is actually you.6
7. Try Loving-Kindness Meditation
Another well-researched tool in the arsenal of healing a wounded heart is loving kindness meditation (LKM). This type of meditation helps us extend compassion and wishes for peace and equanimity towards all living beings, including those who have harmed us. Research shows that daily practice of LKM has immense benefits, from increasing positive emotions and decreasing negative emotions to improving the health of our cardiovascular system and slowing biological signs of aging.7
When to Get Professional Help for Resentment in Marriage
Resentment is a highly toxic emotion that can do real damage over time. Some couples can have these painful, but important conversations on their own, but many need help. If you have tried to talk about a big rupture a few times and it hasn’t helped, it may be time for counseling.
While couples counseling is a substantial investment, it is almost always cheaper than walking away and has a much more satisfying outcome. Couples can expect to spend anywhere from $1,000-$5,000 for a good rehabilitation of the relationship if there have been serious hurts. Give yourself time to prepare and work on things, usually six months to one year. The benefit of the investment in time and money is that those skills get carried forward.
To find a qualified therapist I recommend looking for someone who works with couples, even if you plan to go alone. That helps ensure that both perspectives are held in mind as couples therapists are trained to think systemically. An online directory is a great place to start looking.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With Resentment in a Marriage
As a couples therapist, I have seen time and time again that couples can heal through ruptures. Most couples that come to me are stuck in resentment on one side and shame and hopelessness on the other. But no matter the damage that was done I have seen couple after couple roll up their sleeves and do the work.
I have watched people change and grow and impress themselves as well as their partners. In some ways, healing a major rupture can be a huge gift to the relationship because it can teach you things you might otherwise never have mastered. So whether you decide to work on this alone or seek counseling please know that resentment can be moved past and the future can look bright.
Additional Resources
- Dr. Alexandra Katehakis’ video on Negativity (believe me, resentment fits in here!)
- Podcast – ”The Recovery Show” episode on Resentment
- Book by Dr. Robert Karen, The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
