What Are John Gottman’s Four Horsemen?

What Do Gottman’s Four Horsemen Have to Do With Relationships?

The Four Horsemen is a metaphor for four harmful behaviors that escalate relationship conflicts and cause damage to the relationship. All relationships have conflict, even successful relationships. Relationships don’t fail because of conflict, they fail due to couples not knowing how to manage the conflicts well.

The Gottman Four Horsemen of harmful relationship communications  include:

• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling

How Were the Four Horsemen Determined?

In 1986, Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute designed a “love lab” where he observed how couples interacted and approached conflict.² During his study, Gottman separated all couples into two groups: He called one group the masters of relationships; the other group was the disasters. The disasters of relationships had four behaviors in common, and he labeled these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Dr. Gottman conducted additional research in 1999 where he predicted divorce with 90% accuracy based on the first three minutes of a conversation.³ What he noticed was that couples who started their conflict conversation with criticism and elicited defensiveness in their partner ended up divorcing versus couples who used gentle start ups or began their conversation expressing their feelings and needs.

The First Horseman: Criticism

Many couples begin to discuss conflicts or subjects with what Dr. Gottman calls a harsh start up, which is just another term for criticism. For example, “You are so selfish, you only care about yourself,” is a harsh way to begin a discussion. We do this because it’s often easier to show how “smart” we are by pointing out our partner’s flaws than to express how we feel and what we need in that relationship.

It’s also easier to start a sentence with “you” than with “I.” However, starting with “you” comes across as attacking and blaming your partner. It takes effort to think about how we actually feel in order to express our feelings to our partner and courage to be vulnerable.

The Antidote to Criticism: Soft Start Up

When someone complains or criticizes their partner, it is usually because there is an unmet need. We complain because we’re missing something, so before we complain to our partners, let’s identify what our need is and why this situation bothers us so we can express that need with a “soft start up” that starts the conversation with “I” statements to avoid criticizing and attacking our partner.

Criticism Examples & Their Antidotes

The Second Horseman: Defensiveness

Criticism often leads to the second horseman, defensiveness. When we feel attacked, we feel the need to defend ourselves. Imagine what a conversation looks like between a couple who is using criticism and defensiveness; one partner attacking and criticizing the other, while the other partner is becoming defensive. Nothing gets resolved in this scenario.

We cannot engage in a dialogue with our partners if we are angry. Learn how to take a break and how to ask for a break in the midst of an argument. It can take a lot of practice but it is possible.

The Antidote: Accountability

The antidote for defensiveness is having accountability, but, how can you take responsibility for something if you feel you’re not at fault? This is where you have to make a conscious decision about what you’re hearing. Instead of engaging in defensiveness, decide to validate your partner’s feelings and ask what they need. Once you know their needs, perhaps you can take responsibility for not noticing and fulfilling those needs sooner.

Defensiveness Examples & Their Antidotes

The Third Horseman: Contempt

Contempt is when a spouse talks down to their partner, speaking from a place of superiority as if they know better. An example of contempt would be something along the lines of, “I am better than you.” In Gottman’s research, he concluded that contempt was the greatest destroyer of relationships and predictor of divorce and separation out of the Four Horsemen.⁴

The Antidote: Love/Appreciation/Gratitude

The antidote to contempt is love. Talking to your partner with love and admiration will switch things around. Building a culture of appreciation will help you see how amazing your partner is – the more you focus on their good qualities, the more good qualities you notice and vice versa – the more you focus on their shortcomings, the more negative qualities you’ll notice. Using what Dr. Gottman calls a “gentle start-up” when bringing up conflict—expressing what you feel, and expressing your needs around the situation—will lead to a manageable conversation.

Contempt Examples & Their Antidotes

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is refusing to continue a conversation or argument with your partner. Sometimes, couples believe that avoiding questions or conflict is better than arguing. However, not discussing the situation will often lead to resentment in a relationship. One partner might feel rejected, unloved, and not cared about. This may lead to the end of the relationship because there are no resolutions to disagreements or difficult situations.

Couples usually stonewall because they get “flooded” with emotion. They are too upset to respond and prefer not to say anything to avoid getting their partner even more angry, or sometimes because they feel that no matter what they say it won’t be taken into consideration.

The Antidote: Self-soothing

The antidote for stonewalling is to calm down and practice psychological self-soothing. When you are in a calm state, will you be able to listen and hear what your partner is saying with empathy and love.

Stonewalling Examples & Their Antidotes

How to Break the Pattern of the Four Horsemen

It is hard to organize our thoughts when we are angry, so find a few minutes to calm down and feel calm before starting a conversation about a conflict or a conflicted situation. It takes a lot of practice to change our habits, so it can be helpful to find a marriage counselor to help you.

Here are ten ways to break the pattern of the Four Horsemen:

1. Be responsive: listen, reflect, ask questions, and show interest in what your partner is saying.
2. Be attentive: respond to simple requests and provide your full attention
3. Be kind: offer meaningful praise, compliments, appreciation, and expressions of affirmation.
4. Show affection: you can show affection through hugging, handholding, rubbing your partner’s shoulders, and kissing when greeting and parting ways. Verbally express your love, too.
5. Turn toward each other during times of conflict: when you deal with relationship conflict, use “I feel” vs. “You…”. Agree to follow fair fighting rules, avoid yelling, name-calling, or weaponizing secrets, or vulnerabilities to hurt each other in the heat of the moment.
6. Give each other space: autonomy lets you be the same people you were when you became attracted to each other in the first place.
7. Talk about sex: be willing to discuss, explore, and try new things to maintain the novelty.
8. Respect your partner’s boundaries: don’t try to change your partner or convince them to act in a way that isn’t aligned with their interests, needs, or values.
9. Commit to working on the growth: seek therapy early verses waiting for a crisis to occur.
10. Engage in meaningful activities together: these can include date nights and spending time with each other’s friends and family.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

Signs of a healthy relationship include the ability to have a good time together, mutual trust and transparency, authenticity, autonomy, and plenty of affection and intimacy.

How to Find a Couples Counselor

If you’re ready to embark on the journey to therapy, you can start your search with online couples therapy options. For couples looking for financial aid, texting options, and affordable therapy without insurance coverage, Regain couples therapy is a great option. You can also get couples therapy through an online therapy service like Talkspace, which accepts insurance.