The four horsemen of the apocalypse, according to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Gottman came to the conclusion that these four behaviors were predictors of divorce. These behaviors destroyed relationships, so he called them the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse.1
Many couples nowadays wonder why they can never get over certain arguments. Or why they always end up arguing over insignificant things. When couples come to my practice, the first thing they say is that they are having communication problems. As a Gottman trained therapist, I assess how they resolve conflict and how they talk to each other during conflict, and what I am really looking for is whether or not they have one of the four horsemen galloping through their living room. Couples are very surprised when I explain to them that, according to research, there are four behaviors that are predictors of divorce.
Here is a further explanation of Gottman’s four horsemen, how they can impact relationships, and what to try instead:
The First Horseman: Criticism
Several couples don’t realize how they talk to each other when they are upset. In the midst of anger, they say whatever comes to mind that would help get their point across because they want to be right. There is a huge desire to be acknowledged and to have their point validated. Many couples begin to discuss conflicts or subjects with what Dr. Gottman calls a harsh start up. A harsh startup is just another term for criticism. For example, “You are so cold to me, you only care about yourself.”
When couples use criticism towards each other to show their partner their needs, the message of what they need never gets across. Instead, the message is “you don’t know how to take care of me.” Once a spouse receives that message, they immediately feel the need to defend themselves to try to prove to their partner that they can take care of them, but instead of the partner receiving the message of “I am capable of taking care of you” they hear defensiveness, they hear “I am right, and you are wrong.”
It is easier to start a sentence with “you” than with “I.” It takes serious effort to think about how we actually feel in order to express our feelings to our partner, and it takes courage to be vulnerable. Sometimes, it’s easier to show how “smart” we are by pointing out our partners flaws than to express how we feel and what we need in that relationship. During sessions, I usually tell my couples, whenever there is a complaint it is because there is an unmet need. We complain because we are missing something, so before we complain to our partners we have to identify what our need is and why this situation is bothering us.
The Second Horseman: Defensiveness
Criticism often leads to the second horseman, defensiveness. When we feel attacked, we feel the need to defend ourselves. Imagine what a conversation between a couple who is using criticism and defensiveness looks like: Nothing gets resolved.
The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility, but how can you take responsibility if you feel that you had no fault at all? This is where you have to make a conscious decision about what you are hearing. Instead of engaging in defensiveness, if you feel attacked, make a conscious decision to validate your partner’s feelings and ask what they need, instead of engaging in defensiveness. Once you know their needs, perhaps you can take responsibility for not noticing the need.
I had a couple once who said, you have to be in a good mood to do this—and they were absolutely right. We cannot engage in a dialogue with our partners if we are angry. Learn how to take a break and how to ask for a break in the midst of an argument. It takes lots of practice but it is possible.
The Third Horseman: Contempt
Contempt is when a spouse talks down to their partner, when they speak from a superior platform. An example of contempt would be something along the lines of, “I am better than you.” Contempt is when someone talks to their partner as if they know better, and the other doesn’t. In Dr. Gottman’s research, he concluded that contempt was the biggest destroyer and predictor of divorce and separation out of the four horsemen.
The antidote to contempt is love. Talking to your partner with love and admiration will switch things around. Building a culture of appreciation will help you see how amazing your partner is. Moreover, using what Dr. Gottman calls a “gentle start-up” when bringing up conflict—expressing what you feel, and expressing your needs around the situation—will lead to a manageable conversation.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is refusing to continue a conversation or argument with your partner. Sometimes, couples believe that avoiding questions or conflict is better than arguing. Nonetheless, not discussing the situation will lead to resentment on the partner who is interested in having the conversation. The partner might feel rejected, unloved, and not cared about. This may lead to the end of the relationship because there are no resolutions to disagreements or difficult situations.
Couples usually stonewall because they get very angry, or what Dr. Gottman calls “Flooded.” They are too upset to respond and prefer not to say anything to avoid getting their partner even more angry, or sometimes because they know that no matter what they will say it will not be taken into consideration.
The antidote for stonewalling is to calm down, or to practice psychological self-soothing. Only when you are in a calm state will you be able to listen and hear what your partner is saying with empathy and love.
How to Break the Pattern of the Four Horsemen
In my experience working with couples in the last 10 years, I have seen how couples struggle to change their habits on how they talk to each other. Many couples spend months before they can start a sentence with “I feel” and actually talking about their feelings and struggles. It is hard to organize our thoughts when we are angry, so find a few minutes to calm down and feel calm before starting a conversation about a conflicted situation.
It takes a lot of practice to change our habits, so it can be helpful to find a professional couples therapist to help you. Every couple deserves to enjoy their time together. No one wants to spend their time fighting, life is too short for that. If you don’t know what to do, talk to an expert to guide you and make your relationship healthy and enjoyable.
How Were the Four Horsemen Determined?
In 1983 Dr. John Gottman began his research on couples. He designed a “love lab” where he observed how couples interacted with each other and how they approached conflicted situations. During his study, Dr. Gottman separated all the couples into two groups: One group he called the masters of relationships and the other group he called the disasters of relationships. He noticed that the disasters of relationships had four behaviors in common, and labeled these the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dr. Gottman conducted another research in 1999, where he predicted divorce with 90% accuracy based on the first 3 minutes of a conversation.2 What he noticed is that during the first three minutes of a conversation, couples who started their conflict conversation with criticism and elicited defensiveness in their partner ended up divorcing, compared to couples who used gentle startups or began their conversation expressing their feelings and needs around the conflict conversation.
