You can start teaching kids about consent when they’re very young; it’s as basic as encouraging agency and a sense of empathy, and teaching them to recognize physical and emotional boundaries. A proactive approach to talking with your child about consent starts with expectations in the home that foster important and meaningful conversations that initially have nothing to do with sex.1
What Is Consent?
The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) considers consent an “ongoing process of discussing boundaries and what you’re comfortable with” that can vary depending on context and situation.2
With younger children, this conversation often begins by teaching them about who is permitted to touch one’s body, under what circumstances, and at which times.
With older children, tweens, and teens, talking about consent transitions into teaching children how to engage in ongoing and open conversations with others about any and all kinds of physical touch, which may include sexual touch, with emphasis on the fact that all parties must be in full agreement to take part in any kind of sexual activity.
Even before you think it’s time to talk about sex with your kids, it’s imperative to give them the tools to navigate potentially awkward or uncomfortable conversations about one’s body.
Why Is Teaching Consent to Children Important?
One part of sexual education for kids is teaching them about consent; it empowers children to make informed decisions and engage in larger conversations about their own body, health, and sexuality.3 Teaching consent serves as a vehicle to empower them to explore and set boundaries they feel comfortable with.
Teaching consent to children is important because it does the following:
- Encourages them to consider their own values
- Builds empathy
- Minimizes shame
- Gives them autonomy and independence
- Shows you trust them with “grown up” conversations
- Models ways to navigate tough conversations
- Helps them have healthier sexual habits and relationships later on
- Encourages bodily autonomy and agency
- Gives them tools to set healthy boundaries
Teaching Consent to Kids Under 5, 5-10, & Teens
Though talking with your kids about consent can begin at any age, there are different areas of content that you may wish to cover depending on their developmental stage, age, and maturity. Teaching children at a young age to name and discuss their body parts and functions provides language for them to use later when they’re prepubescent or pubescent.
By embracing a “We talk about it all” mindset or culture within the family, kids learn early on that they don’t need to feel shame around asking questions.
Introducing Concepts of Consent to Young Children (Under 5)
If you’re teaching consent in early childhood, focus on using direct and clear language about their body parts and functions, even incorporating one’s pediatrician into the conversations.4 As this is a common time for children to learn about the concept of sharing, you can use this kind of language to communicate boundaries and contextualize their experience in an accessible way.
Here are tips for teaching consent in early childhood:
- Name empathetic exchanges: by pointing out how your child is empathizing (or not) in concrete ways, they learn to see what is and is not okay. For example, “It seemed like your feelings were hurt when Jane took your toy from your hands. How did you feel about that?” When kids can pause and reflect on their emotional experience, they will be more attuned to what they do and do not appreciate in others.
- Point out when others set boundaries: be vocal when you hear your child or another child say no, emphasizing that they do not like a behavior which means that it needs to stop. An example might be, “Your sister told you to stop asking her to play outside. You need to respect that she does not want to do that right now, even if it disappoints you.”
- Model your own boundaries in explicit ways: kids are constantly reading their primary caregivers for cues, so it is important for you to be clear on and demonstrative of your boundaries. Examples could be family rules, including knocking before entering someone’s room or stating that complete privacy is expected when using the bathroom. State your boundaries in a way that empowers your child to create their own.
- Teach them to ask permission: when kids are young, one of the easiest ways to begin to communicate the concept of asking for consent is by showing them how to ask permission. An example may be asking before hugging them or before touching a playmate, or requesting permission to have a snack or play with a special toy.
Teaching Children Aged 5-10 About Consent
Teaching elementary-age kids about consent can expand into more concrete conversations about who can and should touch whom, and under what circumstances. Studies also show that directly discussing concepts such as what constitutes childhood sexual abuse can prevent it and the childhood trauma that ensues from ever happening, calling for greater advocacy around this subject.5
Here are tips for teaching consent for older children:
- Teach kids to observe and read nonverbal signals: by teaching kids how to both converse about one’s preferences as well as to look for nonverbal cues about what another person likes or dislikes, you amplify your child’s tools to identify what is and isn’t acceptable relationally.
- Model how to talk openly about their bodies: when you talk about your own body in a way that shows that you’re attuned to its needs, kids learn to develop that same language. This also reminds them that their body’s needs are dynamic and what may feel acceptable with them today may not be so tomorrow; consent is not a given even if one was formerly comfortable with something.
- Discuss what is private and public: when topics related to consent and sexuality are involved, context is important. Normalizing that sex is an important thing to talk about and to be curious about is one thing, but bringing up sex or genitals in front of a classroom is quite another. Encourage your child to ask questions about what is private or public if they are ever confused or unsure.
- Openly discuss who is considered “safe” for kids regarding any touching of private or sexual organs: while visiting a doctor or medical professional, even alongside the practitioner, share with your child that touching sexual organs as part of a medical exam may be acceptable at that time and in that context. Encourage them to question, tell, or put a stop to anything that is outside of this context, and empower them that they always have the right to have a “safe person” with them if they’re ever uncomfortable in a situation, even a medical situation.
Talking to Preteens & Teens About Consent
Preteens and teens may have direct or ancillary experience with the concept of sexual activity. Rather than allowing this conversation to stay among peers only, by staying curious about what they may be hearing or seeing, you will be able to more readily talk with them about consent and to share your concerns, if needed.
Here are tips for teaching consent for older children:
- Avoid shaming at all costs: even if your teen discloses that they did something they feel remorseful about, remain curious about what happened, their reaction, and how they feel. Shame will quickly shut down a kid’s willingness to be open, so avoid being judgmental.
- Build in talks about sex and masturbation: one of the ways that a young person develops familiarity with their body and sexual preferences is by exploring with others and with oneself. By talking openly with your teen about their sexual development, they will be able to more readily assess where they are in terms of asking for or giving consent.
- Broach subjects like gender and sex roles: what it means to be feminine or masculine, both or neither, and how this relates to sexuality is a rapidly evolving and nuanced concept that kids today are far more adept at engaging in than in previous generations. 6
Let your child take the lead in explaining to you what gender means to them and ask them how consent might relate to this concept. - Frame everything around respect: above all, consent has to do with respecting another person’s comfort. By teaching your teen to constantly consider how their own reactions communicate respect or disrespect, you help them build their own internal “respect compass.”
- Build their self-esteem: if your child engages in people-pleasing behavior, it will likely be difficult for them to know and to assert their own wishes and boundaries. By working with your teen to build personal pride and self-efficacy, they will have stronger self-esteem, allowing them more readily state their own needs.
What If I’m Bad at Teaching Consent to Children?
There is really no way to be bad at teaching consent to kids other than not attempting to do it at all. It’s normal to feel awkward discussing sexual content with kids, but extreme discomfort could signify that you may have unresolved issues around your own relationship with sex or with shame; if that’s the case, therapy can often help.
If you’re struggling to engage your child and/or partner in sensitive conversations about consent, resources include parent coaching or family therapy. If they’re open to it, you may also send your child or teen to therapy on their own to discuss these ideas with a therapist. When you’re ready to find a therapist, consider starting your search in a free online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts on Consent for Kids
The only bad conversation about consent for kids is the one not had. By broaching the topic with them early on, you will empower them to recognize and acknowledge their own autonomy, needs, and desires, encouraging them on their path to having a healthy relationship with their bodies and with others.
Teaching Consent to Children Infographics
