Constantly putting others’ needs ahead of your own may seem noble, but it can lead to burnout and resentment, turning you into a people pleaser. Often rooted in a desire for approval, this behavior involves sacrificing your well-being to keep others happy. Common signs of a people pleaser include poor boundaries, struggling to say “no,” and needing approval. Recognizing the signs of people-pleasing, like difficulty saying no and a constant need for validation, is the first step toward breaking free.
Would You Like to Feel Less Self-critical?
Therapy can help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you!
What Is a People Pleaser?
A people pleaser constantly goes above and beyond to make others feel good, often putting themselves in harm’s way without reciprocation. Many people-pleasers may feel that others will value and accept them because of these efforts. Instead, these individuals commonly feel burned out and resentful. As a result, they become too physically and emotionally drained to meet their own needs.1
14 Signs You’re a People Pleaser
Sometimes, we become so embedded in our patterns of relating to others that we miss signs of potentially detrimental people-pleasing tendencies. Noticing these signs can help you course-correct and set healthy boundaries in your relationships with others, whether you struggle with saying no, expressing your opinions, or stretching yourself too thin.
Below are 14 common signs that you may be a people-pleaser:2
1. You Cannot Say “No”
Saying no when appropriate demonstrates a healthy respect for yourself and is necessary in any relationship. A typical people-pleasing behavior is never refusing to lend support despite feeling harmed, inconvenienced, or stressed. Saying yes to everything is an unhealthy pattern that can overwhelm you and cause resentment to fester.
2. You Feel Anxious About Others’ Opinions of You
One of the most common signs of people-pleasing is feeling anxious about the opinions and feelings of others. These feelings often stem from insecurity. You may fear people perceiving you unfavorably, so you conform your behaviors to fit into a box and overshadow your true self.
3. You Never Have “You” Time
People pleasers often neglect time for themselves so they can always be available for others. They may immediately free their schedules and drop responsibilities when asked for favors, even when they’re planning to get some alone time.
4. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries
You may be a people pleaser if you fail to set boundaries with others. You may want to be as helpful as possible or feel bad for saying “no.” Maybe others shamed you in the past for setting boundaries. Whatever the case, people-pleasing tendencies often impede your ability to express your limits and expectations with others, further impacting your ability to care for yourself.
5. You Apologize for Things You Don’t Need To
Over-apologizing is another typical people-pleasing behavior. You may take responsibility for inconveniences otherwise unrelated to your actions. You are likely a people-pleasure if your first instinct to conflict is to say, “I’m sorry!”
6. You Need Constant Approval
People-pleasers often grow up with parents who base their love and approval on compliance and behavioral expectations. As adults, this pattern can continue as the need for constant approval seeps into professional, romantic, and platonic relationships.
7. You Generally Don’t Share Your Feelings With Others
People-pleasers might conceal their true feelings to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. They prioritize keeping others happy and avoiding conflict while suppressing their emotions and opinions. Doing so often leads to feelings of frustration and distress.
8. You Have Low Self-Esteem
People pleasers often have histories of anxiety, depression, trauma, or emotional concerns contributing to low self-esteem or self-worth. You look for external validation to fill the holes inside you that require internal work and self-love.
A Therapist Can Help You Build Confidence and Self-esteem.
BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you!
9. You Always Agree to Gain Approval of Others
Agreeableness may appear like a surefire way to gain the approval and validation people-pleasers seek. However, avoiding disagreement and sharing alternate points of view can quickly backfire when you choose not to self-advocate. You may lose credibility and respect from others, ultimately placing you in undesirable situations.
10. You Fear Being Labeled “Selfish”
People-pleasers often find satisfaction in altruism with the underlying goal of being liked by others. Having others see them as selfish is something people-pleasers fear, as this might mean losing much-desired affection and acceptance.
11. Your Personality Changes Based on Who You’re With
Adapting your personality to match those around you is another sign of people-pleasing behavior. Being a social chameleon is one way people-pleasers gain the approval of others and avoid conflict.
12. You Overcommit to Activities or Responsibilities
Chronic people-pleasing involves overcommitting to activities or responsibilities others expect or request of you. Being unable to set healthy boundaries or make time for self-care often stems from a lack of self-esteem and a need for validation from others.
13. You Feel Pressured to Be Nice All the Time
Feeling the need to be nice to everyone is another example of people-pleasing. Thoughtfulness and empathy are desirable qualities in appropriate doses. However, people-pleasers fear disapproval from others rather than genuine intent or living according to life values.
14. People Constantly Take Advantage of You
Allowing others to take advantage of you is a sure sign of people-pleasing. Struggling to set healthy boundaries is challenging for people-pleasers, as they strongly fear disappointing others.
What Causes People-Pleasing Tendencies?
People-pleasing coping mechanisms can come into play throughout the lifespan and in different situations. For some, this behavior may begin after traumatic experiences. Others may exhibit people-pleasing tendencies because of fear and anxiety.
Below are possible reasons you are a people pleaser:
- Anxiety: For many adults, anxiety can lead to people-pleasing tendencies. For example, they may fear being abandoned or rejected by loved ones.
- Fear of conflict: Some people might learn to engage in people-pleasing behavior to reduce tension and disagreements that can lead to interpersonal conflict.
- Co-occurring personality disorder: Some personality disorders, like dependent personality disorder (DPD), contribute to people-pleasing behaviors, like needing the opinions of others to make simple, everyday decisions.
- Trauma: Fawning is a people-pleasing trauma response in which people work to gain the affection and admiration of those they fear to survive.3
- Low self-esteem: Those struggling with low self-esteem may believe their needs and preferences are less valuable than others. Therefore, they fail to advocate for themselves.
- Sexism: Research shows women are more likely to become people-pleasers than men.4 As children, society often praises girls for being nice, nurturing, and self-sacrificial, setting the stage for people-pleasing behaviors later on.
Getting Therapy Is Affordable!
BetterHelp – Online Therapy Starting at $65 Per Week
“BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that quickly connects you with a licensed counselor or therapist and earned 4 out of 5 stars.” Visit BetterHelp
Talkspace - Online Therapy With or Without Insurance
Talkspace accepts many insurance plans including Optum, Cigna, and Aetna. Talkspace also accepts Medicare in some states. The average copay is $15, but many people pay $0. Visit Talkspace
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Changing behavioral patterns is challenging. Doing so often begins with internal work, self-reflection, and shifting deeply held beliefs about oneself and others. Overcoming people-pleasing means learning to say no, caring for your well-being, and reevaluating your priorities.
Below are ways to overcome people-pleasing tendencies:
- Practice saying “no”: Saying no without justifying your decision or over-explaining yourself is important in setting healthy boundaries as you move away from people-pleasing patterns.
- Allow yourself time to make decisions: Stall for time or delay answering immediately. This break offers time to prepare and be firm in your response. Taking time to weigh out your options is perfectly acceptable and okay.
- Schedule time for yourself: Make sure you block time in your calendar for alone time so you can take care of your own needs. Schedule and stick to your plans.
- Consider your priorities: Be aware of your values and priorities. Prioritize yourself if a request undermines or neglects your needs.
- Don’t apologize for saying no: Say “no” without being sorry. When you apologize, you lessen your value and show others your needs can wait. Saying “no” without any feedback or explanation can help you feel empowered.
- Work on your inner self: Look inward to locate where your people-pleasing tendencies come from. Focus on healing the wound that may be causing these behaviors. Make sure you feel comfortable with yourself and honor all your needs.
- Identify any toxic traits: You should set more limits in a toxic relationship if a person does not accept or respect you when you say “no.” They have probably been taking advantage of you.
- Set boundaries: Set boundaries and share your limits with people around you. Those who respect you will be proud of your efforts to care for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
- Consider the source of a request: A sincere request from your spouse differs significantly from a nagging demand by a social-loafing co-worker. Consider who is making the request, the quality of your relationship, and whether the favor is worth your time and effort.
The Dangers of Being a People Pleaser
Many people may wonder if people-pleasing is bad. In many cases, people-pleasing can become a problem because constantly prioritizing others before yourself can wreak havoc on mental, emotional, and physical health. Relying on people-pleasing behaviors to improve your feelings of self-worth is damaging. People pleasers have little time for self-care and face the potential for burnout.
Possible dangers of people-pleasing tendencies include:
- Increased stress: Managing their responsibilities and those of others often leads to stress.
- Anxiety: People-pleasers may experience increased fears of rejection, disappointing others, and failure when loved ones are not happy.
- Self-neglect: People-pleasers may neglect time for their own self-care and personal interests. Sometimes, their physical and mental health can suffer as a result.
- Resentment: Resentment and frustration can grow when people-pleasers overlook their own needs for the well-being of others.
- Lack of self-identity: People-pleasers can lose their self-identity when they adapt their opinions and personality to suit those around them.
- Relationship problems: While people-pleasers might subconsciously believe their behavior will save their relationships, the opposite is true. Relationship problems can result without healthy boundaries, mutual engagement, and respect.
- Inability to enjoy yourself: People-pleasing can result in resentment and passive-aggression, often leading to constant stress and even depression.
- Exhaustion: People-pleasers might feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted as they try to make everyone happy while neglecting to make time for self-care.
When to Seek Professional Help
You may benefit from professional help if you constantly wonder why you are so concerned with making others happy. Dealing with the internal and external pressures of life can be overwhelming. Learning to set boundaries and sort through inner issues can be helpful with the guidance of a therapist. Choosing a therapist, counselor, or psychologist takes time, but using an online therapist directory can expedite the process. You can also use an online therapy platform to receive virtual therapy services. Help is available as you work to stop being a people pleaser.
In My Experience
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
-
Nafees, N., & Jahan, M. (2018). Fear of rejection: Scale development and validation. Indian Journal of Psychological Science, 10(1), 70-76.
-
Lemos, M., & Román-Calderón, J. P. (2019). Potential Therapeutic Targets in People with Emotional Dependency. International journal of psychological research, 12(1), 18-27.
-
Walker P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote Publishing.
-
People-Pleasing | YouGov Poll: June 18 – 21, 2022 | YouGov. (n.d.). Today.yougov.com. Retrieved from https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/43486-people-pleasing-yougov-poll-june-18-21-2022?redirect_from=%2Ftopics%2Flifestyle%2Farticles-reports%2F2022%2F08%2F19%2Fpeople-pleasing-yougov-poll-june-18-21-2022
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Added worksheets.
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Revised “Signs You’re a People Pleaser,” “The Danger of Being a People Pleaser,” and “How to Stop Being a People Pleaser.” Added “What Causes People-Pleasing Tendencies.” New material written by Heather Rose Artushin, LISW-CP and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP– OSW-C
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD
Your Voice Matters
Can't find what you're looking for?
Request an article! Tell ChoosingTherapy.com’s editorial team what questions you have about mental health, emotional wellness, relationships, and parenting. Our licensed therapists are just waiting to cover new topics you care about!
Leave your feedback for our editors.
Share your feedback on this article with our editors. If there’s something we missed or something we could improve on, we’d love to hear it.
Our writers and editors love compliments, too. :)
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
Online Therapy
BetterHelp Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started
Virtual Psychiatry
Hims / Hers If you’re living with anxiety or depression, finding the right medication match may make all the difference. Connect with a licensed healthcare provider in just 12 – 48 hours. Explore FDA-approved treatment options and get free shipping, if prescribed. No insurance required. Get Started
Reduce Drinking
Sunnyside Want to drink less? Sunnyside helps you ease into mindful drinking at your own pace. Think lifestyle change, not a fad diet. Develop new daily routines, so you maintain your new habits for life. Take a 3 Minute Quiz
Mental Health Newsletter
A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those interested in mental health issues and fighting the stigma. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up
Online Anxiety Test
A few questions from Talkiatry can help you understand your symptoms and give you a recommendation for what to do next.
Best Online Therapy Services
There are a number of factors to consider when trying to determine which online therapy platform is going to be the best fit for you. It’s important to be mindful of what each platform costs, the services they provide you with, their providers’ training and level of expertise, and several other important criteria.