What Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety, According to a Therapist

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety disorders are common, with some studies suggesting more than 33% of the global population experiences one at some point in their lives.¹ Anxiety is much more than occasional worries or nervousness. Anxiety symptoms often manifest as prolonged and persistent feelings of unease, irritability, and restlessness. Anxiety affects everything from the ability to focus on daily tasks to appetite and sleep.

Common symptoms of anxiety include:

• Increased irritability
• Feeling nervous
• Feeling lightheaded
• Increased heart rate
• Increased fidgeting and restlessness
• Sweating
• Difficulty concentrating
• Shortness of breath
• Sleep disturbances
• Digestive symptoms
• Feeling like the walls are closing in
• Sense of impending doom or like “something bad is going to happen”

Why the Way You Speak About Anxiety Matters

Being mindful of how you speak about anxiety is crucial. Dismissing or judging others for their symptoms can make them feel guilty or ashamed about their anxiety disorder. Doing so also perpetuates harmful mental health stigmas and contributes to apprehension or avoidance of professional support.

What Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety

While you may want to support a loved one with anxiety, some knee-jerk reactions may do more harm than good. There are numerous things you shouldn’t say to someone with an anxiety disorder, and using accusatory language can be interpreted as dismissal and invalidation.

Here are ten things you should not say to a person with anxiety:

1. “Stop Worrying About It”

“Stop worrying about it” can be one of the worst things to say to someone with anxiety. Someone struggling with anxiety cannot switch off their emotions or worries. Oversimplifying their symptoms shows a lack of empathy and is patronizing.

2. “Calm Down”

A person with anxiety likely wishes they could calm down when feeling restless. Telling them to do something they cannot often increases their stress and feelings of helplessness. Offering this advice may seem productive but can actually worsen the situation.

3. “You Are Very Uptight”

Telling someone they are “uptight” is impolite and incredibly insulting. Someone with anxiety may already feel this way and are probably self-conscious about their behavior and anxiety symptoms. Therefore, branding them as such does not help.

4. “Why Are You Anxious?”

Anxiety is often irrational and may seem “unrealistic” to outside viewers.² Your loved one may not know why they’re worried, so asking them how they feel is not always helpful. If they do know what is causing their distress, they may struggle to articulate their thoughts and feelings.

5. “I Know How You Feel”

Even if you have experienced or currently experience anxiety, avoid saying, “I know how you feel,” when someone is struggling. This statement may appear insensitive as everyone experiences anxiety disorders differently.

6. “This Is What ___ Does to Help With Their Anxiety”

Randomly offering unsolicited advice can be pushy and inappropriate. Techniques that work for your friend, coworker, or family member may not work for this person. They may have even tried these suggestions to no avail, so reminding them of these unsuccessful attempts may worsen their anxiety.

7. “Are You Sure?”

There is never a reason to ask if someone is sure about their anxiety. They likely know the difference between normal worry and the symptoms they experience every day. While you may ask yourself this question, another person may find this offensive or dismissive.

8. “But It’s Such a Nice Day!”

“It’s so nice out” or “Enjoy the sunshine” are things to never say to someone with anxiety. The weather and surroundings often have little bearing on anxiety symptoms. This person can just as likely experience restlessness on a sunny day as on a rainy, dreary day. They may also struggle with seasonal affective disorder or other weather-related mental health conditions, and calling attention to these challenges can minimize their experience.

9. “You’ll Be Fine”

Many people who say, “You’ll be fine,” lack understanding and awareness of anxiety symptoms. They may not realize the impact of their words or are modeling support they learned from others. However, the person with anxiety will likely assume you are uninterested in hearing about their experience.

10. “You Should Just Try Meditation”

While guided imagery for anxiety can be beneficial, telling someone actively experiencing anxiety to “just meditate” is not productive. For example, breathwork or meditation can seem impossible during a panic attack.

What to Actually Say to Someone With Anxiety

If you have never experienced anxiety, you may not know how to help someone with anxiety. Psychoeducation can go a long way in providing productive and practical support. To better understand your loved one’s experience, learn to recognize a panic attack and anxiety symptoms. Knowing what not to say to someone with anxiety only goes so far—now you must learn how to best support them according to their needs.

Here are some tips for how to communicate with someone who has anxiety:

• Remind them they are safe with you: Let your loved one know you are a safe space for them to express their struggles. Tell them you will stay and try to help them in times of panic, but avoid hovering.
• Help put things in perspective: Gently remind them that while they are struggling now, their anxiety will eventually pass. Let them know their present emotions are okay and valid, but they will experience relief again.
• Be validating: Acknowledge and validate their symptoms as much as possible. Saying things like, “I can see you are anxious” and “I am so sorry you are dealing with this” can make a difference in how they feel.
• Offer help: Offer to help your loved one in a way they suggest. Ask them how you can provide support and let them guide your actions.
• Remain judgment-free: Avoid judgmental statements like, “You should be over this by now” or “Another panic attack?” This attitude will only push your loved one away.
• Keep calm: When providing support, remain calm and level-headed. Appearing anxious yourself can make your loved one feel worse.³

How to Find Professional Help for Someone With Anxiety

Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, if your loved one is struggling more than usual with worry or cannot complete daily tasks, therapy can help. You can use an online therapist directory or pursue online therapy options for anxiety to locate therapists specializing in anxiety. Medication management may be necessary, and online psychiatrist options are available for those seeking treatment.