What Not to Say to Someone With Depression

What Is Depression?

Depression is a mood disorder that is characterized by low mood and persistent feelings of sadness. It often requires treatment with therapy and medications. Depression is very common, affecting almost one in ten people within the past year, and is especially common in young adulthood.¹

Depression symptoms that people experience often include hopelessness, lack of motivation, and decline in daily activities. Everyone experiences depression differently, and some people may not experience things that others report.

Common symptoms of depression include:

• Changes in appetite
• Feeling hopeless about the future
• Lack of motivation
• Feelings of sadness
• Lethargy
• Decline in ability to care for self
• Decline in sex drive
• Decreased focus or concentration
• Feelings of anger or frustration
• Body aches or pains
• Thoughts of suicide
• Problems falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much

Why It Is Important to Talk About Depression Correctly

Talking about depression incorrectly can make the person struggling feel shame or guilt about their struggles, and contributes to stigmas about mental illness, making people less likely to seek support. “Because of false perceptions, nearly 60% of people with depression do not seek medical help. Many feel that the stigma of a mental health disorder is not acceptable in society and may hinder both personal and professional life.”³

The World Health Organization estimates that around 5% of people suffer from depression.² Therefore, you are likely to either know someone who experiences it, or perhaps you experience symptoms of depression yourself. This means that the way depression is talked about can make an impact on those who are affected by it. Know what to say and how to help a spouse with depression, or a friend or other loved one, can go a long way toward supporting their recovery.

What Not to Say to Someone With Depression

It is very important to talk to loved ones about depression, as it shows that you are supportive and interested. However, how you attempt these conversations can do more harm than good. Being mindful not to say unhelpful, or even harmful, statements to someone with depression can help you show support.

Here are 10 things you should not say to a depressed person:

1. “You Should Try Harder”

Telling someone who is depressed to try harder is offensive, because they are likely trying as hard as they can. Many people with depression are assumed to be lazy, unmotivated, or other things that downplay their experiences. “Public perception, it seems, either exaggerates or downplays the severity of depression—neither of which captures the truth.”⁴

Suggesting that they try harder can make it seem like they have a choice in their depression symptoms. Instead, say something like “I see how hard you are trying, and I believe you. I’m here and I care.”

2. “Be Grateful for All the Things You Have”

It is not helpful to tell someone who is depressed to be grateful. They do not need to be reminded of all of the “great things” they have, such as a big house or a car. Depression is not linked to material possessions.

Rich, healthy people can be just as depressed as poor, unhealthy people. Instead of telling someone to be grateful, say something like “I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to support you however you need. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.”

3. “Just Think Happy Thoughts”

It is not helpful to tell someone who is depressed to think happy thoughts, and it can come across as patronizing. Oversimplifying depression as just needing to change one’s thinking patterns shows a lack of understanding and empathy.

Instead of offering unhelpful advice to think happy thoughts, say something like “I see you are struggling. Know that I support and care for you.”

4. “Just Push Through”

Telling someone with depression to push through can sound dismissive, and shows a lack of understanding of how depression can feel. Someone who is experiencing sadness or a lack of motivation to care for themself is often unable to just “push through.”  Instead, say something like “I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. How can I help?”

5. “I Know How You Feel”

Even if you have struggled with depression yourself, it might come across as insensitive if you tell someone you know how they feel. This is because nobody can ever truly understand what another is going through. Instead, be specific about what you understand. Perhaps say something like “I know my experiences might be different, but I can relate to your lack of desire to get out of bed in the morning, I go through that too.”

6. “This is What my Friend/Family/etc Did to Help Their Depression”

Unless someone asks, offering advice about what someone else did to help their symptoms might not be helpful. Instead, ask them if they are looking for suggestions or if they are interested in hearing what medications or therapy techniques have worked for others you know. Or, simply say “I am here for you and want to support you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.”

7. “You’ll Get Through It”

You do not know that someone will get through it, as pretending to see the future can make the person feel like you are not interested in hearing about how they are doing, or that you do not believe their symptoms. Someone who is struggling with depression likely is unable to imagine a future where they do not feel this way.

Instead of telling them that they will “get through it”, which can seem dismissive and unempathetic, say something like “I see you and believe you that you are struggling. I am so sorry you are going through this”.

8. “What Could You Have to be Depressed About?”

Saying something like this implies that someone’s depression is tied to external factors such as health, income, relationships, etc. This sounds victim blaming and can make the person feel defensive. Depression symptoms are often viewed as more “controllable” than medical illnesses or injury.⁵

Instead of asking this question, just sit and listen. It is okay to say “I wish I knew what to say, but I want you to know I support you.” Trying to find the right thing to say when you do not know what to say can feel disingenuous.

9. “Medication is a Cop Out”

Shaming someone for taking medication for their depression is harmful, and contributes to the embarrassment that many feel when they seek support. Telling them that medication is weak in any way is not a good way of showing support.

Instead, support them and validate their experiences. Say something like “I am proud of you for considering medication to help you right now. I can see how much you have been struggling and I hope this helps.

10. “You Don’t Look Depressed”

Depression does not have a “look.” Many people who struggle with depression lead successful careers and eventful lives.  Instead of making comments based on stereotypes of how depression looks in people who suffer from it, ask them if they want to talk about what they are experiencing. It can be helpful to say something like “I can’t imagine how you feel right now. But I want you to know I love and support you.”

How to Help Someone With Depression

There are things that you can do to help someone who is struggling with depression, such as remaining judgment free, offering to support them such as going with them to appointments or to run errands, and assisting with household tasks such as cleaning or putting away laundry. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone who is struggling is to just be there.

Another important part of being supportive of someone who has depression is recognizing warning signs of suicide. If someone you love is talking of suicide, or if they ask you for help, take these actions:

• Thank them for coming to you with this information. There is a lot of shame involved in coming forward with suicidal thoughts, and how the listener reacts can contribute to whether they feel supported or further shamed.
• Support them in telling a trusted adult or family member if they are a minor.
• Offer to call 911 or go with them to the nearest emergency department
• Call a suicide hotline like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Where to Find Professional Help for Someone With Depression

If you find that your loved one is struggling to complete daily tasks, seems unable to care for themself, or is having thoughts of suicide, therapy can help. Look for an online therapist directory or online therapy option for depression to find a therapist. In some cases, medication management might be needed in order to decrease symptoms. Online psychiatrist options are available for those who need it.

In My Experience

Most of us will either experience depression at some point in our lives, or we will know someone who has. Therefore, knowing what to say- and what not to say- is an important part of being a supportive person. I find that many people say the above statements not out of malice, but more out of lack of understanding and awareness. Knowing why these statements are offensive can help us know how to better support those we love who are struggling.