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What to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

Published: February 7, 2023
Published: 02/07/2023
Headshot of Robert Hinojosa, LCSW
Written by:

Robert Hinojosa

LCSW
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Is Depression?Definition
  • Things to Say to a Depressed Person21 Things to Say
  • What NOT to Say to Someone With DepressionWhat Not to Say
  • Warning Signs of SuicideSuicide Signs
  • How to Help Someone With DepressionHow to Help
  • How to Find a Therapist for DepressionFind a Therapist
  • Final Thoughts on What to Say to a Depressed PersonConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • What to Tell Someone Who Is Depressed InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Robert Hinojosa, LCSW
Written by:

Robert Hinojosa

LCSW
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

The best way to respond to an individual who is struggling with depression is with support and openness. Depression is an often invisible and isolating condition that is misunderstood by the general population. Platitudes and blind solutions can be off-putting to someone who is depressed. Instead, be open to hearing them out, and ask them if and how they would like you to help.1,2

What Is Depression?

Depression is marked by a low mood and feeling of sadness and hopelessness. It can also come with feelings of tiredness, focusing on the negative, and thoughts of self-harm. While there can be many symptoms of depression, there are some common characteristics to be aware of.

Common symptoms of depression include:

  • Hopelessness and feeling discouraged about the future
  • Feeling a low sense of self-worth
  • Lacking motivation
  • Having thoughts about death and dying
  • Viewing themself as a burden

You don’t have to face depression alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

21 Things to Say to a Depressed Person

If you know someone with depression, understanding a bit about how depression symptoms affect people and how to treat depression can be helpful. It’s also important to communicate non-judgemental support.1,2,3 It can be hard to know what to say sometimes, but try to stick with supportive words vs. prescriptive solutions.

Sheila Dowd, PhD“Listen, first and foremost. Empathize with what they express to you. Be present in the moment with them and try not to focus on what you should say to them or how you can help them.” – Dr. Sheila Dowd, Rush University Medical Center

Here are 21 things to say to someone who is depressed:

1. “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here for you if you need me.”

This is a helpful thing to say to someone who lost a loved one. This approach doesn’t assume that you know what they’re feeling. It allows the moment to be about them and their needs instead of relating it back to your own understanding or perspective.

The second part offers up support in a nonobligatory way, allowing them to choose whether or not to accept your help without pressure. Just be sure to follow through if they do seek support.

2. “I wish I had the right words to say, but just know that I care about you.”

Here’s another one to say to someone who has just lost someone. This approach acknowledges that words alone cannot always do justice to the situation. It communicates that you are rooting for them.

3. “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”

This helps someone know that you are actively trying to see them and hear them. This can help someone feel able to open up, and it comes off as an understanding way of being present with someone.

4. Give a silent hug or embrace.

Silence can be a powerful tool and something that acknowledges the weight of a situation without adding to it. Physical touch, a hug, or holding someone’s hand can be a comforting gesture if you have that type of relationship with that person. Sometimes, all that is needed is your presence, not your words.

5. “I’m sorry. I know that was important to you.”

If you know someone who is exhibiting signs of depression after a job loss, this phrase communicates that you recognize the gravity of the situation and the loss. It can be comforting just to know someone else understands some of what you’re going through.

6. “Do you want to talk about it?”

This allows them to decide whether or not they want to open up to you, and offers up the space to do so. Just be sure to listen without directing or trying to fix anything unless that’s specifically asked for.

7. “Is there anything you need from me?”

If you’re more of a fixer or action oriented, then this may be a good way of offering up your services. Allow the person dealing with the loss to decide whether they need help though, and let them tell you what they need.

8. “I know things are difficult right now, but I have confidence in you.”

A vote of confidence can go a long way to improve someone’s self-esteem, especially when they’re depressed and seem to have a lack of motivation.

9. “It’s OK to feel __ right now.”

This normalizes the emotions that your friend may be going through at the moment. This can also have a calming effect, or at least reassure them that they’re not being unreasonable.

10. “You’re enough,” or “You’re not weak.”

Depression can sap all of the self-esteem out of you and fatigue sets in quickly. Getting a boost of reassurance can go a long way toward helping people feel better.

11. “Let me know if you need to vent?”

For someone who is dealing with menopause and depression, it can be downright frustrating, and mood swings can make dealing with life that much more difficult. Having someone to vent to may be really helpful.

12. “How are you coping right now?”

This gives people a chance to think about if they are coping, and can give them a push to see if there might be other healthy coping mechanisms that might help them. It can inspire people to share strengths, and to also share where they could use more support or help with finding ways to cope.

Help For Depression

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13. “How can I make this easier?”

This simple offer of support communicates that you care and that you are open to helping, even in small ways.

14. “I’m here for you if you need me.”

Just knowing someone is available can be reassuring for someone with depression.

15. “You’re still you.”

When you are depressed, it can feel like you don’t know or recognize yourself. Hearing this can make them feel seen and known, even when they feel lost.

16. “You’ve been doing really great with __”

Depression after surgery is fairly common. It’s important to remain focused on the positive, especially when facing a longer recovery period. A great way to do this is to celebrate milestones (even small ones) together. It’s easy to lose sight of progress if you’re only seeing the long road ahead.

17. “I know you’re strong enough to get through this.”

It can be helpful to remind them that they are capable of getting through their struggles and that you believe in them.

18. “You are loved by so many people.”

People who are depressed don’t always feel loved because of what depression does to their brain. Affirming love is a great way to help someone at least hear they are loved and get that message in some way.

19. “How can I help you?”

Allow them to tell you what they need. Whatever it is, be open to helping without pushing them past a point where they’re comfortable.

20. “I’m not going to abandon you.”

As people open up and share their struggles, it can be hard to believe that people will still be there. Someone might feel like a burden any time they ask for help, but if they don’t they may feel abandoned. This takes away that anxiety.

21. “There is hope.”

This is important and helpful to say because depression is the thief of hope and joy. Knowing there is hope and knowing that it will get better is hard, so someone saying this to a depressed person can give them the hope they need.

What NOT to Say to Someone With Depression

While offering support and kind words to someone with depression, there are sayings and phrases that are best avoided. Primarily, avoid turning the focus on you, minimizing what they are going through, and offering unsolicited directives or solution-finding.

Here are six things you shouldn’t say to someone with depression:

1. “Man-up” or “Toughen up.”

Other than it being exceedingly unhelpful, this saying implies that the person is somehow weak for having depression. It demeans the individual’s suffering and should be extracted from your vocabulary, both in this context and generally.

2. “I’ve dealt with worse; you’ll be fine.”

While on the surface it seems like something encouraging to say, this completely turns the focus on yourself and dismisses the person’s pain and struggle. It is both self-serving and can hurt the other person.

3. “Why are you always so sad?”

While depression vs. sadness are quite different, it may feel like a legitimate question. However, it’s often said in the context of frustration and disappointment.

4. “You’ve got to stay positive.”

This communicates a deep misunderstanding of depression as a disease, and diminishes the person’s experience, insinuating that the solution is a simple reframe. Depression is a deeply complex disease that affects not only thinking patterns and emotions, but the actual chemical makeup and structure of the brain.

5. “But you have such a great life!”

This saying and ones like it can place shame on the person suffering from depression. It suggests that they have no right to be depressed because their life circumstances do not warrant it.

6. “It’s all in your head.”

Not only is this unhelpful, but it places blame onto the individual, suggesting that somehow it’s their fault that they have depression.

Dr. Dowd advises, “Try not to give advice unless they ask for it. What they really need is someone to listen. It is hard to understand the power of depression, so making suggestions and trying to be upbeat can feel really alienating to the person who is profoundly depressed. Don’t feel pressure to try and fix it.”

Warning Signs of Suicide

Warning signs of suicide include talking about wanting to die, looking for a way to die (e.g., buying a gun), talking about being unable to overcome feelings of hopelessness, and increased use of drugs or alcohol.

Warning signs of suicidal ideation include:2

  • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
  • Looking for a way to kill themselves
  • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
  • Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain
  • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Giving away important personal possessions
  • Increasing use of drugs and/or alcohol
  • Ongoing social isolation from family and friends
  • Loss of interest in things that previously brought pleasure
  • Engaging in reckless behaviors
  • Saying they feel trapped and have no way out or alternatives

If you suspect someone may be having thoughts of suicide or suicidal ideation, ask them directly: “Are you thinking of suicide?” While it may be awkward, that moment of awkwardness is worth helping a suicidal friend and saving a life. If they are having thoughts of suicide, listen and offer to help. This may mean taking them to an emergency room or calling authorities.

How to Help Someone With Depression

Dr. Dowd encourages, “If they express needing or wanting help, suggest to them setting up an appointment with their PCP. They can get referrals to a therapist or psychiatrist or maybe their PCP feels comfortable treating the depression. There are also a host of websites and national organizations that can also help inform someone about depression if they are not ready to seek help. Suggest the Anxiety and Depression Association of America or the National Alliance on Mental Illness, both well-known organizations.”

How to Find a Therapist for Depression

Consider finding a therapist by asking for a referral from your primary care physician, or you can look in a free online therapist directory. They can help you cope with difficult emotions, manage symptoms, and live a fuller, happier life.

Final Thoughts on What to Say to a Depressed Person

Compassion and the simple act of listening can make such a huge difference for someone with depression. If you’re dealing with depression yourself, or know someone who is, you don’t have to go through it alone.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Talk Therapy 

Online-Therapy.com – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. Online-Therapy.com provides 45 minute weekly video sessions and unlimited text messaging with your therapist for only $64/week. Get Started

Online Psychiatry

Hims / Hers – If you’re living with anxiety or depression, finding the right medication match may make all the difference. Get FDA approved medication prescribed by your dedicated Hims / Hers Healthcare Provider and delivered right to your door. Plans start at $25 per month (first month)*. Get Started

Depression Newsletter

A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those impacted by depression. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

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Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by Online-Therapy, Hims / Hers, and Mindfulness.com. *Hims / Hers Disclaimer: Subscription required. After first month, price is $85/month for a monthly subscription or $49/month for a three-month subscription ($123 for first order, $147 billed quarterly thereafter). Subscription automatically renews unless you cancel at least 7 days before renewal is processed.

For Further Reading

  • SAMHSA’s National Helpline
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
  • National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) Support Groups
  • The Jed Foundation
  • Books on Depression: Helpful Resources For When You Feel Depressed
  • Best Depression Blogs
  • Best Depression Podcasts

What to Tell Someone Who Is Depressed Infographics

What to say to someone who is depressed What to say to someone who is depressed What to say to someone who is depressed

3 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Goldman, L., & Lewis, J. (2008). The invisible illness. Occupational Health & Wellbeing, 60(6), 20.

  • Matthews, T., Danese, A., Wertz, J., Odgers, C. L., Ambler, A., Moffitt, T. E., & Arseneault, L. (2016). Social isolation, loneliness and depression in young adulthood: a behavioural genetic analysis. Social psychiatry and psychiatric epidemiology, 51(3), 339-348. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26843197/

  • Choenarom, C., Williams, R. A., & Hagerty, B. M. (2005). The role of sense of belonging and social support on stress and depression in individuals with depression. Archives of psychiatric nursing, 19(1), 18-29. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15765368/

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: April 14, 2022
    Original Author: Robert Hinojosa, LCSW
    Original Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD

  • Updated: February 7, 2023
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “What Is Depression?”, added six new tips to “21 Things to Say to a Depressed Person”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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Headshot of Robert Hinojosa, LCSW
Written by:

Robert Hinojosa

LCSW
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Is Depression?Definition
  • Things to Say to a Depressed Person21 Things to Say
  • What NOT to Say to Someone With DepressionWhat Not to Say
  • Warning Signs of SuicideSuicide Signs
  • How to Help Someone With DepressionHow to Help
  • How to Find a Therapist for DepressionFind a Therapist
  • Final Thoughts on What to Say to a Depressed PersonConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • What to Tell Someone Who Is Depressed InfographicsInfographics
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