How to Help a Depressed Spouse

Signs Your Spouse Is Depressed

Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders, and its symptoms can affect a person’s quality of life in multiple areas, including the quality of their relationships and how they interact with their intimate partner. Some symptoms of depression can include lack of interest in social contacts, lack of interest or pleasure in things they used to enjoy, decreased communication, and lack of engagement while interacting or conversing.¹

Common symptoms of depression in a partner include:

• Being “checked-out” when communicating
• Difficulty completing household chores
• Lack of interest in activities they used to enjoy
• Lack of intimacy (emotional, physical)
• Increased substance use
• Decrease in interactions or contact with friends and family members
• Changes in appetite (increase or decrease)
• Changes in sleep patterns (difficulty staying asleep, falling asleep, sleeping more than usual)

Your partner’s gender may also affect the impact of depressive symptoms. Research shows that women with depression may suffer due to gender-specific demands or expectations presented in the relationship or marriage, leading to decreased mood. On the other hand, depression in males presents with different symptoms, and men tend to have a harder time communicating about their emotions due to cultural and social expectations, leading to them withdrawing or engaging in avoidant behaviors.² Health factors, including hormonal influences, can also have an effect on depression.

10 Tips for Helping a Spouse With Depression

Social support and connectedness can positively impact one’s mental health and overall well-being, so it’s important to be a source of unconditional comfort to a partner dealing with depression. When helping a partner with depression it is important to provide emotional support and instrumental support (offering help with tasks or responsibilities).¹

1. Learn About Their Form of Depression

Depression is an umbrella term for several mood disorders, and different types of depression include:

• Major depressive disorder
• Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) 
• Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)
• Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD)
• Depressive disorder due to another medical condition
• Substance/medication-induced depressive disorder
• Unspecified depressive disorder 

Each of these conditions has its own set of symptoms, so you want to be mindful of the specific nuances, as well as particular depressive triggers for each type.³

2. Offer to Help Find Treatment Options

For many individuals, building a support system includes finding a therapist or engaging in some type of mental health treatment. Encouraging your partner to seek professional help is important, as they can provide accurate information regarding treatments that are specific to address depressive symptoms. Treatments are tailored based on the client’s preferences, needs, and goals. Benefits of therapy for depression include improved symptoms, learning ways of relating to others, empowerment, and gains of coping skills to help cope with everyday stressors, thoughts, and feelings.⁴

Treatment options for depression can include:

• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is a therapy modality that encourages insight and self-expression by focusing on the interactions between the client and therapist. These lead to disclosing the client’s unconscious thoughts, fears, emotions, and defense mechanisms.
• Medications: Medications for depression are known as antidepressants. These target the brain chemicals linked to depression and help improve mood and reduce symptoms.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for depression is a specific therapeutic approach that helps clients gain insight into the connection between emotions, thoughts, and actions. This approach aims to help clients identify cognitive patterns and learn effective coping skills to challenge negative thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, or beliefs.
• Couples or family therapy: Couples or family therapy can also be beneficial for decreasing symptoms of depression, as clients can engage in treatment with their partner or loved ones. Research findings reflect that couples therapy helps improve symptoms of depression and decreases relationship conflict.⁵
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for depression is a specific approach that links behavioral therapy and mindfulness components. ACT aims to teach people to accept their current emotions or experiences without letting these control their behaviors.
• Interpersonal Therapy (IPT): Interpersonal therapy (IPT) can help someone understand the connection between mental health symptoms (in this case, depression) and interpersonal or relationship conflict. Clients learn to improve overall functioning, increase social support, and decrease relationship distress.

3. Know the Warning Signs of Suicide

Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the world.⁶ Warning signs of suicide can vary by individual and can be either noticeable or subtle. It is important to know these warning signs to support and help your loved one.

Common warning signs of suicide include:

• Complete social withdrawal
• Verbal expression of suicidal ideation
• Self-harm or risk-taking behaviors
• Extreme changes in mood
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Saying ‘goodbyes’ or giving away valuable items
• Increased substance use (drugs/alcohol)

If you are concerned that your partner may at risk of suicide, the first step is to ask them if they have any suicidal thoughts. Try not to show discomfort when having this conversation (even though it can be scary or painful) and to validate your partner’s emotions. You can offer to help them get professional help, remain supportive, and remove any lethal means from the home if applicable.

4. Prioritize Your Own Mental Health

You cannot help others if you are not helping yourself. Helping a partner struggling with symptoms of depression can be stressful and emotionally draining, which is why you must also take care of your mental health by talking to your own therapist. They can help you through the process by providing tools to cope with the stress and emotions from allowing your partner to support you in your journey.

5. Provide Emotional Support

Remaining supportive of your partner can help decrease feelings of loneliness and isolation, leading to improvement in symptoms of depression. Emotional support includes showing empathy, concern, and affection when communicating or interacting with your partner. You can show affection both verbally and physically. Of course, this will depend on your partner’s comfort level and needs.

6. Offer Instrumental Support

Instrumental support is all about helping your partner with tangible assistance. This can include financial aid, helping them with household tasks, childcare, transportation, etc. Research shows that instrumental support is one of the most significant predictors of overall health.⁷ Instrumental support can communicate to your partner that you are part of the same team.

7. Be an Active Listener

Active listening is more than just paying attention in conversation.⁸ Active listening involves communicating to your partner that you are intentionally trying to see and understand things from their point of view. An active listener is empathetic and responds to the speaker’s feelings, listens for meaning, provides a non-judgmental stance, and is attentive to nonverbal cues. Implementing these skills when communicating with your partner can help them feel understood and supported and can also help build deep, positive relationships.

8. Create a Supportive Home Environment

Living in a secure, positive home environment can significantly help people experiencing depression. While it may not automatically “lift” symptoms, it may prevent your spouse’s condition from worsening. A comfortable living space also promotes a sense of safety, love, and nurturing, all of which can help improve one’s mental health. 

• Focus on balanced eating: People with depression may struggle with their appetite, so try to sit down for enjoyable meals together. If possible, cook with your spouse and eat a range of foods for depression with a focus on appropriate protein and nutrients.
• Offer to exercise or go on walks together: Physical activity can help reduce symptoms of depression. Find physical activities you both enjoy doing and engage in them regularly.
• Help them stick to their treatment plan: Stay involved with your spouse’s therapy, medication, and/or lifestyle changes. Ask how you can support them if they’re struggling.
• Create a low-stress environment: Be mindful of the impacts of clutter or trash around the house. Help your spouse with cleaning and other chores.
• Make plans of enjoyable things to do together: Aim to regularly engage in pleasurable activities together. Quality time can be an important resource when navigating depression.
• Give positive reinforcement for things that they’re doing well: Be your spouse’s support. Instead of focusing on where they might be struggling, highlight (without being condescending) when you note them taking positive action toward their well-being.

9. Offer To Help Them Build a Support System or Supportive Community

Symptoms of depression can often make someone feel alone, hopeless, and as if they are the only ones dealing with certain struggles. It is important that you help your partner challenge that sense of loneliness, and one way to take steps towards that is by offering to help them find positive people and start building a support system. You can help your partner get a sense of community, belonging, and togetherness by finding individuals or groups that can provide companionship and guidance in challenging times. This can include friends, mentors, spiritual leaders, or even support groups. Build a community that serves and benefits your partner.

10. Stay Patient

Depression does not get resolved overnight, and, even with optimal treatment, it can be a chronic condition that ebbs and flows. It’s important to be compassionate and patient during this process. Forcing or shaming your spouse only exacerbates mental health problems. Celebrate small victories and remember to take care of yourself—this will help you feel more regulated if you become discouraged or overwhelmed.

What Not to Do When Helping a Partner With Depression

Knowing what not to do when supporting a partner with depression is just as important as knowing what to do to support them. Even though it can seem difficult, it is important to be aware of how your partner’s symptoms of depression may also be affecting your own thoughts and emotions.

Here are a few things to avoid when supporting a partner with depression:

Think It Is Your Responsibility to Fix Them

It is neither your job nor responsibility to ‘fix’ your partner or ‘take the depression away.’ This thought could cross your mind because you desire to see your partner getting better, but it is not your responsibility to do this for them. For some people, depression can be clinical and is not something that is ‘fixed’, instead it’s something that gets treated and people learn ways to better cope with the symptoms. For others, symptoms of depression could be situational (based on a specific situation or life event they are going through).

It is a mental health professional’s role to guide and provide your partner with tools to manage the symptoms of depression, not yours. And that would only happen once your partner is ready to seek professional help.

Take Their Depression Personally

Symptoms of depression will vary by individual; they can be different for everybody. However, common symptoms include irritability, withdrawal, lack of social interaction, or engagement in communication or other activities. This does not mean your partner feels different about you or your relationship. Do not take the manifestations of the symptoms personally, as it can lead to further distress and even feelings of guilt.

Try To Force Them

Meet your partner where they are at the present moment. Do not try to force them to tell you how they are feeling if they do not feel ready to do so. Avoid forcing them to engage in activities they do not feel comfortable engaging in, as doing so will only increase a sense of discomfort and feeling unheard and misunderstood.

Assume

Do not assume you know how they feel, what they think they want, or how you can help them. On the contrary, it’s important to be curious about your partner and what they are going through. Being curious involves wanting to learn about them, directly asking them how they feel or what you can do to help.

Be Dismissive

Being dismissive about other’s emotions and experiences often makes them feel unvalidated and misunderstood. Knowing what not to say to someone with depression is just as important as learning what you should say. Do not dismiss your partner’s feelings, thoughts, or shared experiences with comments such as, “It is not that big of a deal,” “It could be worse,” etc. It is important to show validation and reassurance, communicating to them you are a source of comfort and support.

Break Their Trust

It can be very vulnerable for your partner to share their emotions, thoughts, and experiences with you. That is why you want to communicate appreciation and reinforce their efforts at sharing about their symptoms of depression and avoid sharing with others what your partner shared with you. It can be tempting to talk to friends or family members about this, especially when you see it as a means of helping your partner, but it would affect the trust aspect if you do so. Instead, talk to your partner if this is something you believe is important for you to do and get their feedback and consent first.

Keeping information private does not apply when your spouse or partner communicates a plan and means to harm themselves. In this case, you want to act quickly and talk to the proper authorities and professionals to ensure their safety.

How to Have a Conversation About Your Partner’s Depression

When having a conversation with your partner about their worries or symptoms of depression, practice active listening and be fully present in the conversation. Provide empathy, share emotions with them, and offer your support continuously and consistently. It is also crucial to allow them to fully express themselves without interrupting or being judgemental, as this could only increase the symptoms.

Offer to help find ways to decrease symptoms, whether by locating a professional or joining them in activities that can reduce symptoms’ severity, whether through physical activity, meditation, etc. In addition, validate their experiences and emotions and reassure them that they are not alone.

Here are a few tips on how to approach having a conversation about your partner’s depression:

• Educate yourself beforehand: Educate yourself by researching information about depression and its symptoms or by talking to a mental health professional. This can help you be of better support and understand your partner better.
• Ensure they are willing and comfortable to talk: Before you even begin having a conversation, assess if your partner is willing and comfortable to talk about it. You don’t want to force them to have a conversation.
• Meet at a place where you can have enough privacy: Make sure you can both meet or have a conversation at a time and place that can allow you and your partner to speak openly and comfortably, with limited distractions.
• Begin the conversation from a place of curiosity, concern, and support: Communicate concern and support to your partner instead of judgment and criticism. Be curious about how they are feeling and what they are going through.
• Practice active listening skills: Listen to your partner; listen to understand and not just to respond.
• Let them know they are not alone: Assure your partner you are there for them and that they do not have to go through this alone.

What If My Partner Denies Having Depression?

If your partner denies having depression, you want to remain consistent in providing support and letting them know you are there for them, no matter what. They may be struggling with identifying the sources of their symptoms or changes in their behaviors. You must remain patient, provide empathy, and be open to listening to them.

Reasons a partner may deny having depression include:

• Embarrassment: People often feel embarrassed when they experience mental health issues. This often coincides with internalized societal or familial messages related to depression, along with socialized mental health stigma.
• Rationalization: Many people will rationalize their depression symptoms by saying things like, “It’s not that bad,” or “Other people have it worse,” as a way to invalidate their own experience.
• Lack of energy: Sometimes the fatigue and lack of energy mimics symptoms of other health conditions. A person may not, therefore, even recognize they are depressed.
• Hopelessness: Some people feel hopeless about their condition, driving a sense of denial that getting help or treatment will make any difference at all.
• Fear of rejection: Many people also worry about being a burden to their loved ones. They may also feel anxious about being rejected or abandoned if they acknowledge their struggles.

How to Approach a Conversation When They Deny Their Depression

It’s important to be compassionate if your spouse denies their depression. Aim to listen actively to really understand their feelings and needs. Instead of resorting to blame (you’re just lying in bed all day), opt for I-statements, which sound like, “I feel worried seeing you in bed and not spending time with your friends or me.” Offer support and let them know that, ultimately, you love them and want the best for them.

The Importance of Self-Care When Your Partner Is Depressed

Self-care targeted toward depression should be prioritized when your spouse or partner is dealing with depression. This is simply being mindful and attentive to your needs and intentional in attempting to meet them. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your partner and bring your best self to your relationships and other aspects of your life. By engaging in self-care, you focus on your health and positively affect your overall well-being, which can also help in modeling healthy behaviors to your partner. It may also increase their levels of motivation.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you or your partner are struggling with depression, seeking professional help is usually the best and is always a good idea; do not wait until the symptoms intensify or are severe. These professionals will provide you with support, guidance, and tools to help you alleviate the symptoms you are experiencing at this moment or could experience in the future (if they arise again). You can search through an online therapist directory or use an online therapy platform to find multiple options of therapists specializing in treating depression.

Another option for support includes self-guided activities through the use of mental health apps like Youper or Happify.