Even with more people choosing to go child-free than ever before, there are still many who worry that they should have kids before it is “too late.”1 Whatever your decision, choosing not to have children is never a bad decision, and may be the right one for you.
Will I Regret Not Having Children?
As people age, they may switch from asking themselves “Do I think I might want kids someway?” to “When will I have kids?” While not wanting children is perfectly fine for many, some still worry that they will regret this decision.
Not surprisingly, research has been performed examining this exact topic, specifically on people who regret having children. According to recent surveys conducted in Germany and the US, findings suggest that only a small number of participants actually regretted their decision to have children.2 Another study shows that 37% of participants wanted more children, even if they were not currently raising a child.3 However, these findings do not consider whether these individuals had originally wanted to be child-free, changed their mind, and then later regretted this decision, or if they always wanted children. Nevertheless, choosing to not have children is never something to be ashamed of.
7 Things to Consider Before Deciding Not to Have Children
Sometimes, a person may not want kids at a given moment, such as when they are younger or building their career. However, they may change their mind in the future. Before making the final decision of if you do or do not want to have children, there are some important factors to consider.
Here are seven things to consider before deciding not to have children:
1. Imagine Your Future Without Children
Close your eyes, and imagine your life 10, 20, even 40 years from now. What are you doing? Who are you with? Are you picturing children in your life? Maybe you imagine just yourself and your partner, or your friends, enjoying time together. If a person sees themselves–and their future–as perfectly content without kids, this could be a sign that they are comfortable with their decision to not have children.
2. Explore the Mindset Behind Your Decision
Understanding one’s concerns about becoming a parent is important. If applicable, explore what contributed to any aversion to having children. For some, this comes from familial or societal expectations. For others, it could stem from instances of trauma that affect their beliefs in themselves as parents.
No matter what your reasoning, you do not have to have had any trauma or negative experiences to come to this decision, as everyone must fulfill their own life journey.
3. Consider Freezing Your (or Your Partner’s) Eggs
When given this opportunity, some people feel relief knowing that they have more time to decide if having kids is right for them. Knowing that there are options available might help relieve some of the pressure off feeling like you must be 100% content with your decision.
4. Consider Any External Pressures
Many times, people are so inundated with family pressures that they are unable to decide whether having children is their decision, or if it’s just something that they feel obligated to do. If you are experiencing external pressure, take time to consider if this is influencing your decision.
5. Do You Not Want Children at All, or Just Not Biologically?
Some people do not want to produce more children themselves, but are open to the idea of adopting a child who does not have a home. There are many options for those who do not want or are unable to have children biologically, and this does not make them any less of a parent or a family.
6. Consider Your Circumstances
Often, when a person is considering not having children, they are young or just starting their career. During this time, people often feel that they “have” to make a certain decision, due to finances, biology, and other factors. Consider your personal situation and what works best for you, before thinking about anyone else’s opinions.
7. Is This a New Decision, or One You’ve Had for a While?
It is worth considering whether this decision was impulsive, or one that you have had time to think about. Did you just go through a traumatic breakup or divorce? Or, has not having children been on your mind for a while? Ultimately, you have the right to your decision, whatever your reasoning.
What If I Decide to Not Have Children?
More and more people are deciding that being child-free is the right decision for them. However, due to factors such as societal pressures to carry on the family name or concerns about having someone to take care of you when you are older, many worry that they might be making the wrong decision. Regardless, there are a few things you can do to help alleviate some of these fears.
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Reasons You May Not Regret Having Children
Living a life free of the responsibility of having to care for another can feel very empowering. Particularly for women, who historically have had to bear the brunt of childcare and child rearing, remaining child-free can help them fulfill their dreams and more easily pursue goals.
Below are reasons why not having children may be a good decision for you:
- You do not feel ready: Not feeling ready to have a child is a huge reason to live a child-free life. Many say that few ever feel fully ready before having a child. While this is probably true, you will know in your heart when, or if, the right time comes.
- You are still dealing with unresolved family trauma: The effects of childhood family trauma may require healing before one considers having their own children.
- You might actually regret having kids: If you are worried that you might regret having children, this might be a sign that your gut is trying to tell you something.
- You cannot afford it: Having a child is a huge financial investment, and it takes a lot of strength to admit that you might not be able to provide a stable home life for one. It is okay to admit this.
- You do not like children: What more of a reason would one need?
- You are not interested in being a parent: For example, many people love their nieces and nephews, but prefer that they return home at the end of the day. If this sounds like you, there is no issue with feeling this way!
- You do not want to change your life: Many of us like our life the way it is, and this is okay.
- Health concerns: Due to health concerns; fears of carrying a child; fears of not wanting to pass on conditions to a child; or fears of not being able to live to see a child grow up are all reasons to consider not having children.
What to Do If You Regret Not Having Children
Even if you try to plan your life perfectly, you may find that you still experience loneliness, guilt, and even regret after not having children. Luckily, there are always other options available in these cases, and regret doesn’t mean your life will be any less happy moving forward.
If you regret not having children, here are some ways to cope:
- Consider that it might not be too late: Many choose to have children later in life–it might not be too late for you. Check with your doctor or fertility specialist to confirm.
- Look into adoption or fostering a child: This is an option for those who are unable to have a child biologically, but still want the experience of being a parent.
- Offer to babysit: Spending time with others’ children can help you experience the act of caring for a child, even if it doesn’t fully take away the longing for your own.
- Try journaling: Taking the time to write about your thoughts, such as through journaling, can be beneficial for coping with any feelings of remorse or regret.
- Take time to grieve: Allowing yourself time to recognize and experience the feeling of grief over what you did not get to experience is essential to healing.
- Recognize that you are not alone: Knowing that there are many out there going through the same situation may help you feel less isolated or alone.
- Examine your regrets: What is it that you regret? Is it not having a child, or do you worry that you will not have the opportunity to have a family of your own? Sometimes, people worry they will be alone in their older years if they do not have a family. Allowing yourself to delve deeper into these feelings will shed light on their true meanings.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you are dealing with any stress or confusion that comes from this important, life-changing decision, you may benefit from therapy. Therapy will also help you address any confusion or second guessing you may be experiencing during this period. If you are struggling to make this decision with a partner, or wondering what decision is best for your family, therapy can offer you the tools needed to work through the frustration you might feel. You can start your search for finding the right therapist by searching an online therapist directory.
If you are afraid you’ll regret not having children, therapy options may include:
- Family therapy: When the entire family is ready and willing to support one another through growth, family systems therapy can be an excellent tool for exploring differences of opinion, or how to break your decision to the family.
- Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): CPT helps with processing the distressing thoughts and feelings that may stem from your decision process, and working on how to express them.
- Emotionally focused therapy: This form of therapy focuses on how emotions affect behaviors, and can be good for improving self-awareness. This can help you make a more informed decision.
- Holistic therapy: This form of therapy looks at the whole person: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and looks at how all of the pieces come together. It can be great for learning more about yourself, in turn helping you make the most informed choice.
- Group therapy: For those who want to feel less alone, group therapy with people who have the same or similar experiences can help combat the feeling of isolation, and allow you to feel more understood and empowered about your situation.
Final Thoughts
The decision to have children is personal, and should not be taken lightly. So many people feel like they have to have kids because “it’s just what you do.” There is always the chance that you will regret not having children. Having children, just in case, is a lot of work and responsibility. Thankfully we live in a time when we are able to make these decisions without societal repercussions, and with the knowledge that options are available, should we change our minds. You should make the decision that is best for you.
For Further Reading
Will I Regret Not Having Children? Infographics
