To regret having kids can feel isolating and challenging, but this is a common experience for many parents. These emotions do not make you a bad parent, and acknowledging them can help you cope. By dealing with parental regret head-on, you can improve your relationships with your children.
Is It Normal to Regret Having Kids?
Experiencing regret about having kids can be a challenging experience for parents. However, regretting having children does not make you a bad person or parent. While you may have some negative feelings, acknowledging and working on these can help prevent them from affecting your mental health and how you raise your children.
Also, you can still be a great parent even if you experience parental regret. How you behave with your children is more important than how you feel about parenthood. You can make changes and take steps to ensure these feelings do not affect your parent-child relationship.
How Common Is It to Regret Having Children?
Doubting the decision to have children is not unheard of, and it is normal for some parents to regret having a baby occasionally.1 While it’s difficult to determine how many people regret having kids, these discussions emerging in recent years suggest that this sentiment is not unusual.
Societal pressures to reproduce, overwhelming parental responsibilities, and loss of personal identity may have contributed to the parental idea that having a child was a mistake. Acknowledging these feelings and seeking professional guidance can help parents navigate this complex emotional landscape.
Why Do Parents Regret Having Kids?
Parents feel varying amounts of regret about having children, as everyone’s experience of parenthood is different. Parental regret can stem from various reasons, such as wishing for the same amount of time, money, or opportunities they had before having children. Parents may feel upset about the impact of having children on their personal life, body, marriage, and other relationships.
Possible reasons parents may regret having children include:1
- Poor timing: Having a baby can be unexpected, and a person may not feel ready to become a parent. Some parents may wish they had children earlier or later in life.
- Having too many or few children: Parents may wish they had more or fewer children, depending on their situation.
- Having to sacrifice: In some cases, parents may miss certain freedoms lost to parenthood. They may regret giving up their time, money, job, or educational opportunities.
- Choice of partner or co-parent: As noted, a pregnancy can be unexpected and unplanned. Some parents may regret the partner they have a baby with.
- External factors: External and global factors, such as war or political tension, can contribute to parental regret about having kids.
- Growing up in a traumatic environment: People who have experienced a traumatic upbringing may feel unequipped to provide a nurturing environment for their own children, which can lead to feelings of regret.
- Having a history of physical illnesses: Parents with chronic or severe physical health conditions might struggle to keep up with their parental responsibilities.
- Marital or financial problems: Parents who experience considerable financial or spousal troubles may view their children as contributing factors to these issues.
- Raising a child with special needs: The additional challenges of caring for a child with special needs can be overwhelming for some parents. They may feel inadequate in providing appropriate care.
- Feeling trapped by parenthood: Some parents may feel their freedom and personal identity were sacrificed after having children, causing them to regret their decision to become parents.
What to Do If You Regret Having Kids
If you find yourself experiencing regret about having children, you are not alone. There are steps you can take to understand and cope with these feelings. Dealing with your regret can help you have a more positive parenting experience, even when parenthood is challenging.
Below are 14 ways to cope if you feel like you regret having kids:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Acknowledging your feelings about regret in parenthood is a necessary first step. Often, we may be experiencing negative emotions without even realizing it. These feelings can manifest in other ways, like irritability, anger, sleeping problems, or aches and pains.
To help get in touch with what you are experiencing, take some time alone to reflect on how you truly feel about being a parent. You can do this through quiet reflection or journaling. Allow yourself to express your feelings and stay present in the moment. Doing so will help you be a more mindful parent and enjoy time with your child.
2. Don’t Judge Yourself
Once you are in touch with your emotions, avoid judging yourself for them. Remember that there is no evidence for thoughts like, “Why did I have kids,” “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or “Regretting parenthood makes me a bad person.” The reality is that any life experience brings both pros and cons, and parenthood is no exception. Permit yourself to have these feelings and take healthy steps to address them.
3. Boost Your Support Network
Connecting with other parents who struggle with similar feelings can be beneficial. You may consider setting up playdates with other families, joining a “mommy and me” class, or reaching out to supportive friends and family. If you do not have a good support network, you can join a support group for parents.
Online communities and social media platforms offer another space for parents to share their positive and negative feelings about parenting. Online groups allow parents to come together to share their experiences–both the good and bad–and give and receive advice on various topics. These sites can provide a more realistic view of parenting rather than only focusing on the positive aspects. Parents can realize that they are not alone in their struggles.
4. Accept the Reality of Parenting
Problem-solving is a good tool for addressing what may be causing a negative emotion. If you regret having children, problem-solving can help you look at what contributes to this feeling and make changes if possible. Take some time to think about what you regret.
Once you have a clear idea of what is causing your negative feelings, ask yourself, “What can I do about it?” Do you feel like you don’t have the skills to be a good parent? Do you wish you had more time for yourself? The solutions could include taking a parenting class or delegating tasks to free up more time. Focus on what you can control and make changes to help manage the negative aspects and regrets of parenting.
5. Remember That Negative Feelings Will Pass
The concept of impermanence is a helpful way to think about emotions. Impermanence means that nothing lasts forever, including our emotions. When we experience a negative emotion, we can remember that this feeling will eventually go away. It may return again, but it never lasts forever. Impermanence can remind us to appreciate our feelings for what they are.
6. Write a List of the Benefits & Rewards
Parenting comes with pros and cons, and experiencing regret can make you overlook the positives. To remain in touch with these positives, create a list for yourself of the benefits and rewards of having children. This list can include specific memories, milestones, and daily events. These may look like a warm hug, seeing your child learn a new skill, or a fun day at the park. Keep this list handy and regularly refer to it, especially during days when you may be experiencing more negative emotions.
7. Re-Evaluate Your Expectations
Re-evaluating your expectations as a parent is a crucial step in overcoming feelings of regret. Recognizing these emotions can help parents better navigate parenthood. Mothers who find themselves thinking, “I regret becoming a mother,” or fathers who feel they regret having a child can benefit from this process of reflection.
Take time to examine your initial anticipations of parenthood and compare them to your current reality. No parent is perfect, and facing challenges when raising children is normal. Adjust your expectations and seek support from friends, family, or professionals to find a balanced parenting approach. Remember that it is possible to find fulfillment and happiness in your role as a parent, even when the journey is a little rocky.
8. Find a Hobby That You Can Share With Your Children
Finding new ways to connect with your children can enhance your positive feelings about parenting. Establishing a new hobby that you can do together is one way to do this. Consider some activities that could be fun for both you and your kids, like hiking, taking an art class, joining a dance group, or traveling.
You can even turn brainstorming into a fun activity–set aside to sit down with a pen and paper to come up with ideas as a team. Write down every option your child offers, no matter how wild. Once you have a comprehensive list, you can go through it together and pick a few that would be fun (and realistic) for everyone. Aim to plan at least one activity each week and have everyone take turns in choosing the next adventure.
9. Determine If the Regret Comes From Depression
If you often think, “I regret having a baby” or “I hate my life after having a baby,” it’s important to determine if these feelings stem from postpartum depression. This condition is quite common and can strongly affect your perspective on motherhood or fatherhood.
Some parents might question, “Will I regret having a baby,” because of these depressive thoughts. Seek professional help if these feelings persist because postpartum depression is a serious condition that requires attention.
10. Recognize the Signs of Parental Burnout
Parental burnout is a state of exhaustion that can manifest as emotional fatigue, detachment from children, and a sense of incompetence as a parent. Identifying these signs early on can help improve your mental well-being and views on your parental role.
11. Find Ways to Cope With Parental Stress
Parenting is stressful, and finding healthy outlets for this stress is crucial. You could try anything from joining a parent’s support group to practicing mindfulness and meditation. Regular exercise and a balanced diet may also improve your general mood and stress levels.
12. Delegate Household Responsibilities
Sharing household duties can lighten your parental load significantly. Ask household members to be involved in age-appropriate chores or consider outsourcing tasks. Hiring a cleaner or using a grocery delivery service can make a difference in how you feel about your responsibilities as a parent.
13. Take a Break When You Can
Carving out time for yourself is essential when managing feelings of regret or overwhelm. Whether by taking a short walk, reading a book, or spending an afternoon with friends, set aside moments to break from the demands of parenting. Remember, it’s okay to take time for yourself.
14. Don’t Forget About Yourself
Self-care includes physically and emotionally caring for yourself and is essential as a parent. Physical self-care meets your basic needs, like eating well, staying active, getting enough rest, and maintaining hygiene. For emotional self-care, you must carve out some time for activities that help you feel relaxed and happy, such as reading, writing, drawing, or even getting your hair done.
Thoughts like, “I don’t deserve to make time for myself,” or “I’m selfish if I do something for myself,” may get in the way of you taking time for self-care. If this happens, simply acknowledge these feelings and remind yourself that self-care is necessary for being a present, effective parent. When in doubt, remember the oxygen mask metaphor—if your plane is crashing, you must put on your mask first so you can help others after. Take a proactive approach to self-care and make it a daily practice.
How to Decide If You Should Have Kids
Deciding if you should have kids is a major life-altering decision. Consider various personal and practical factors before plunging into parenthood. Many individuals may account for any reasons why they shouldn’t have kids, like financial constraints, personal health, and emotional readiness. Questioning your readiness or desire to take on this role is perfectly okay–come to any determination on your own terms.
Here are a few tips to help in the decision-making process:
- Understand your motivations: Assess why you want children and ensure these desires do not stem from societal pressure or a perceived biological clock. This decision is too important to be influenced by external factors.
- Consider your financial situation: Raising a child can be expensive. Consider if you can shoulder the financial responsibilities of having a child.
- Think about your lifestyle: Spend time determining how a child could impact your current lifestyle and if you are willing to make necessary changes.
- Evaluate your health: Assess your physical and mental health. Being in good health will help you cope with the demands of parenthood.
- Assess your support system: A stable support system can be an important part of parenting. Before having a baby, recognize the help you may need in building a family.
- Seek professional guidance: If you feel insecure about your decision, consider seeking advice from a professional counselor.
When to Seek Professional Help
Negative emotions like regret can be taxing on your emotional health. Reaching out to a therapist or couples counselor to help you problem-solve and deal with challenges can be the healthiest way to cope. Therapists specializing in parenting issues can aid you in identifying where your regret may be coming from, learning ways to cope with it, and changing how you think about your circumstances.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one type of therapy that can help you work through regret. CBT sessions focus on how your thoughts and beliefs influence feelings and behaviors.2 Alternatively, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) works to help you develop psychological flexibility, accept the full range of your emotional experience, identify your values, and live a life in line with those values.3
Choosing a therapist can feel overwhelming, but there are several ways to find the right fit. You can ask for a referral from your doctor or check with your insurance to see which therapists are in-network. Or, you can use an online therapist directory, where you can filter for specific criteria, like someone who practices ACT or CBT.
Final Thoughts
You are not alone in your experience of regret about having children. While these feelings can be distressing, you can address them so they do not interfere with your life. You can still enjoy the rewarding aspects of parenthood even when things get tough. Finding a solid support system to help you cope is the best way to move forward.
