Regret is a common emotion experienced by parents. If you find yourself experiencing regret, it doesn’t make you a bad parent, and rest assured that you are not alone. It is important to acknowledge the regret and take steps to cope. By dealing with these feelings head-on, you can prevent them from affecting your relationships with your children.
What Are the Reasons People Regret Having Children?
If you are a parent, you may experience varying amounts of regret about having children. Because each person is different, people may regret having children for many different reasons. Parents may wish that they had the same amount of time, money, or opportunities that they did before having children. They may feel upset about the impact of having children on their personal life, body, marriage and other relationships.
One study of users of the online platform Reddit sought to find out what parents most regretted about having children. The results indicated that common regrets about parenthood included:1
- Timing: Wishing you had children earlier or later on in life
- Number: Wishing you had more or fewer children
- Sacrifice: Having to give up certain things, like time, money, work, or educational opportunities because of parenthood
- Partner: Regret over who you chose as a parent for your child
- External world: Regret over having children because of outside circumstances in the world, like war or political tension
How Common Is This? Am I the Only One?
The reality is that many parents have mixed feelings about parenthood. A 2013 Gallup poll surveyed 5,100 adults across the United States about their experiences with children.2 The poll revealed that 86% of respondents over age 45 had children and 9 of 10 reported that they would have children again if they had the chance to do it over again. Around 7% of those with children said that they would not have children again if given the chance.
The study of Reddit users mentioned above also revealed that some users would not have had children if they could go back in time.1 However, others would still have children despite the hardships of parenting.
Does Regretting Having Children Make Me a Bad Person?
If you are experiencing regret about having children, you are not a bad person. While you may have certain regrets, acknowledging and working on these feelings can help prevent them from affecting how you raise your children.
Can I Still Be a Good Parent If I Regret Having Children?
You can still be a good parent even if you regret having children. Having negative feelings about parenthood does not guarantee that you will be a bad parent. How you behave with your children is more important than how you feel about parenthood. You can take steps to ensure that these feelings do not affect your relationships with your children.
What to Do If You Regret Having Kids: 8 Steps to Consider
If you find yourself experiencing regret about having children, you are not alone. There are steps you can take to understand and cope with these feelings. Dealing with your regret can help you have a more positive parenting experience, even if it is difficult at times.
Here are eight steps to consider if you regret having kids:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Acknowledging your feelings about parenthood is an important first step. Often, we may be experiencing negative emotions without even realizing it. These feelings can manifest in other ways, like irritability, anger, sleeping problems, and aches and pains. To help get in touch with what you are experiencing, take some time alone to reflect on how you truly feel about being a parent. You can do this through quiet reflection or journaling.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I like about being a parent?
- What do I dislike?
- How has my life changed since I had children?
- What do I miss about my pre-child life?
After asking yourself these questions, take some time to notice what comes up. You might notice positive emotions like joy and gratitude, or negative ones like regret, disappointment, or sadness. Allow yourself to express all of these feelings.
2. Don’t Judge Yourself
Now that you are in touch with your feelings, avoid judging yourself for them. Thoughts like “you shouldn’t feel this way” or “regretting parenthood makes me a bad person” may enter your mind. Remember that there is no evidence for these thoughts. The reality is that any experience in life brings both pros and cons, and parenthood is no different. Give yourself permission to have these feelings. Now that you are aware of how you are feeling and allowing yourself to have these emotions, you can take steps to address them.
3. Work on Solving the Issue
Problem-solving is a good tool for addressing what may be causing a negative emotion. When it comes to dealing with regret, problem-solving can help you look at what is contributing to this feeling and make changes if possible.
Take some time to think about what you regret about having children:
- Do you dislike having less time or money for yourself?
- Or the impact that it has had on your marriage or relationships?
- Or do you regret parenthood because you don’t feel good enough in your role?
Once you have a clear idea of what is causing your negative feelings, ask yourself “what can I do about it?” If you feel like you lack skills, you can take a parenting class. If you wish you had more time for yourself, you can brainstorm ways to adjust your schedule or delegate certain tasks to free up more time. Focus on what you can control about your situation and make changes to help manage the negative aspects of parenting.
4. Write a List of the Benefits & Rewards
Parenting has both pros and cons. When you are having a tough time, it’s easy to overlook the positive aspects of parenting. To help you remain in touch with these positives, create a list for yourself of the benefits and rewards of having children. This list can include specific memories, milestones, and daily events. Maybe it is a warm hug, seeing your child learn a new skill, or a fun day at the park. Keep this list handy and regularly refer to it, especially during days when you may be experiencing more negative emotions.
5. Remember That Negative Feelings Will Pass
The concept of impermanence is a helpful way to think about emotions. Impermanence means that nothing lasts forever, including our emotions. When we experience a negative emotion, we can remember that this feeling will eventually go away; it may return again at another point in time, but it never lasts forever. The same goes for positive feelings. While it may be discouraging to think that positive emotions also won’t last, impermanence can remind us to fully appreciate these emotions when we do experience them.
6. Engage in Self-Care
Self-care is the act of caring for yourself both physically and emotionally, and is essential as a parent. When it comes to physical self-care, it is important to attend to your basic needs, like eating well, exercising, getting enough rest, and keeping up with your hygiene. When it comes to emotional self-care, you must carve out some time for yourself to do activities that help you to feel relaxed and happy. This can include reading, writing, doing art, or even getting your hair done.
Thoughts like “I don’t deserve to make time for myself,” or “I’m selfish if I do something for me,” may get in the way of you taking time for self-care. If this happens, simply acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, and remind yourself that caring for yourself is necessary for you to be a more present and effective parent. When in doubt, remember the oxygen mask metaphor—if your plane is crashing you must put on your mask first so that you can be of help to others. However, rather than waiting for an emergency like a plane crash to put on your oxygen mask, take a proactive approach to self-care and make it a daily practice.
7. Find a Hobby That You Can Share With Your Children
Finding new ways to connect with your children can help enhance your positive feelings about parenting. Establishing a new hobby that you can do together is one way to do this. Consider some activities that could be fun for both you and your kids, like hiking, taking an art or dance class together, or traveling.
You can even turn brainstorming into a fun activity by sitting down with a pen and paper and each coming up with ideas. Write down every idea your child offers, no matter how wild. Once you have a comprehensive list, you can go through it together and pick a few that would be fun for everyone. Aim to plan at least one activity each week together. You can even take turns picking the activity.
8. Get Support
Connecting with other parents who may be struggling with similar feelings can also be beneficial. You may consider setting up playdates with other families, joining a “mommy and me” class, or reaching out to supportive friends and family. If you do not have a good support network or do not feel comfortable speaking with people you already know, you can also join a support group for parents.
There are many different support groups both in-person and online that are specifically intended for parents dealing with these issues. These groups may be led by a mental health professional or a peer. To find a group, you can conduct an online search of support groups for parents or seek help from an organization, like Postpartum Support International, which offers groups for mothers and fathers dealing with the adjustment to parenthood.
Online communities and social-media platforms are another space for parents to share their positive and negative feelings about parenting. Facebook groups allow parents to come together to share their experiences and give and receive advice on various parenting topics. Instagram is another social media platform where parents, especially mothers, may share their daily experiences raising children, both the good and bad. These sites can give parents a more realistic view of parenting, rather than focusing only on the positive aspects, and can help parents realize that they are not alone in their struggles.
How Therapy Can Help People Who Regret Having Kids
Negative emotions like regret can be taxing on your emotional health. Reaching out to a therapist to help you problem-solve and deal with your emotions can be the healthiest way to cope. If you regret having children and it is affecting different areas of your life, like your ability to parent and care for yourself, then you may be dealing with depression.
Symptoms of major depressive disorder include:3
- Sadness that lasts for at least two weeks
- Loss of interest or pleasure
- Increased or decreased appetite, weight, or sleep
- Difficulty concentrating
- Low energy
- Feelings of guilt or worthlessness
- An increase or decrease in movement
- Thoughts of suicide
Postpartum depression is a type of depression that begins within the baby’s first year of life.4 It can affect mothers, fathers, and adoptive parents.
Therapists that specialize in parenting issues can help you understand where your feelings may be coming from, learn ways to cope, and change the way that you think about your circumstances.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one type of therapy that can help parents dealing with negative feelings like regret. CBT is effective for treating a range of mental health disorders and issues, including depression, anxiety, anger, and marital distress.5 This type of therapy focuses on how your thoughts and beliefs influence your feelings and behaviors. A CBT therapist will help you modify your negative thoughts, which can help change your feelings and behaviors.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is another type of therapy that can be helpful for parents experiencing regret. The goal of ACT is to develop psychological flexibility, which involves being more present in the moment. This type of therapy focuses on accepting the full range of your emotional experience, including your negative emotions, identifying your values, and living a life that is in line with those values. Like CBT, ACT is an effective treatment for a range of mental health concerns.6
How to Find a Therapist
Thinking about finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, but there are several ways to find a good fit. You can ask for a referral from your doctor or check with your insurance to see what types of therapies they might cover. Or, you can use an online therapist directory, where you can filter for specific criteria, like someone who practices ACT or CBT.
Final Thoughts for Those Who Regret Having Kids
If you are experiencing regret about parenthood, you are not alone. While these feelings can be distressing, there are steps you can take to help cope with them so that they do not interfere with your life. You can still enjoy the rewarding aspects of parenthood even if it is challenging at times, and finding a solid support system to help you cope is the best way to move forward.
