Assertive Communication: Definition, Examples, & Tips

The 3 C’s of Effective Communication

We communicate with the world around us every single day, and communicating in a way that protects us but also gets our point across without being “rude” or “aggressive” can help increase our confidence. Using the 3 C’s of communication can increase our effectiveness and work through fear of being rejected.

The three C’s of effective communication are:

• Clarity: State the information clearly and straightforwardly so it doesn’t get misunderstood.
• Consistency: If the information changes daily, people in your life won’t know what to expect. Be consistent in your messaging, this also helps build trust.
• Courtesy: Be respectful, practice active listening, and don’t judge the person you’re engaging with- you can be firm without being rude.

What Is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication bridges the gap between passive and aggressive communication. Passive communication occurs when you don’t voice your needs but instead follow whatever the majority is doing. Those with an aggressive communication style only care about their perspective and how they can reach their personal goals. Communicating assertively means being direct but not rude and working to get your point across clearly and concisely.

People with a passive communication style can end up feeling anxious or depressed as a result.¹ Aggressive communication can isolate you and adversely affect your success. Research has shown using assertive communication can be helpful across the lifespan, from elementary school children to nurses.^{2, 3}

Examples of assertive communication are:

• “I think the task should be handled this way because…”
• “I may be overly sensitive, but can you please not use that word?”
• “I’m disappointed in the way this was handled, and let’s see how we can fix it.”
• “I feel stressed when you ask me to do too many tasks at once. Could you send them over one at a time instead?
• “I wish you had told me this when you first found out so we could have talked it through right away”

What Does Assertive Communication Look Like?

There are both non-verbal and verbal components of assertive communication. Our face is the window to the world, so our facial expressions and eye contact are good starting points to convey assertiveness. Besides these physical aspects, the way you say information is important too. Direct eye contact can show that you’re attentive and confident, and even your tone of voice can also assert confidence in what you are saying.⁶

What Are the Beliefs of Assertive Communicators?

Remember, being assertive does not mean being aggressive. People who are assertive communicators are confident in their speech and body language but not forceful. They are self-aware in that they know what they are trying to say and what their own needs are, but they actively listen and participate with those around them.

What Emotions Drive Assertive Communication?

People who know what they want use assertive communication to avoid being taken advantage of in their daily life.³ They take control and can say no, leading them not to be resentful and instead know that their voice deserves to be heard. People who use assertive communication often have positive self-talk and practice an abundance mindset about what their own needs entail.

What Is the Goal of Assertive Communication?

Using assertive communication can decrease stress and improve self-esteem and self-worth. People who use assertive communication are often considered successful and inspiring leaders because they stand up for their beliefs and are open to learning from their mistakes. Assertive communication helps us set boundaries around our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Assertive communication also allows us to accept and give feedback constructively.⁴

Benefits of Assertive Communication

By practicing becoming more assertive in your communication, you will understand yourself and your needs better. Assertive communication helps you convey your point more clearly and succinctly. When you communicate assertively, you’ll reduce stress by learning when to say “no” and not take on other people’s issues. This will also help you regulate your emotions by focusing on the facts.

When Is Assertive Communication Best Used?

Assertive communication is a tool that can be used in all areas of your life. At work, this can help you advocate for yourself, increase your leadership skills, and keep professional relationships. Assertive communication at school and earlier in life can help kids and teens learn how to set and stick to boundaries and accept criticism without becoming too dysregulated.

Why Is Assertive Communication So Effective?

Assertive communication allows you to get your point across in a way that’s clear, concise, and doesn’t get too caught up in emotion. Because of that, it can save you time, improve your relationships and increase your self-esteem. You’ll be able to say no without causing tension and conflict and have consistency in what you say and feel.

How to Tell if You’re an Assertive Communicator

If you’re wondering if you communicate assertively, look back at interactions you’ve had in the past. What was the desired outcome of those conversations, and did you achieve it? How did the conversations go? Were they easy, challenging, or full of tension? Ask for feedback from your family, friends, or coworkers on how they perceive your communication style.

How to Tell if Someone Else Is an Assertive Communicator

Slow down and notice people in your life and how they communicate; you’ll likely begin to see a pattern with people who can get what they need without shutting people down and still maintaining their boundaries.

Signs a communicator is assertive include:

• Calm tone of voice
• Relaxed facial expressions
• Positive language
• Speaks clearly
• Confident stance/body language
• Maintains eye contact
• Is consistent with their messaging

8 Ways to Become a More Assertive Communicator

Being an assertive communicator can help you in all areas of your life. By understanding your own needs and sticking to them, you’ll reduce stress both personally and professionally. Assertive communication can help you get what you want without intimidating or ignoring people. It can even help you save time because you’ll cut down on back-and-forth conversations and emails by communicating directly the first time.

Here are eight tips for becoming a more assertive communicator:

1. Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements is a way to decrease tension and show the other person your internal beliefs and feelings without accusing them. By using an “I” statement, you reduce blame and aggression. The formula for “I” statements is “I feel____ when____ because____”. This allows the conversation to stick to things within your control and how their actions have impacted you.

2. Be Aware of Your Body Language

Your body language conveys how you feel to the world, and individuals can pick up on these messages immediately when they approach you. Research has shown that 55% of how a message is perceived is through body language.⁵ Are you open and attentive when speaking, or do you cross your arms? To be assertive, you’ll want to stand tall and confident but relaxed, with open arms.

3. Be Direct

Express your needs and stick to the facts. Assertive communicators are direct, but it doesn’t mean you need to be curt or abrupt. Focus on the issue at hand without adding unnecessary filler words or information. This helps you can get your point across quickly and without confusion.

4. Be Consistent

If you’re only assertive sometimes, you won’t be commanding respect, and people may not take you seriously. Consistency is key to earning trust from those in your life with whom you communicate. You can be assured results if you’re consistently practicing assertive communication, people will know what to expect from you, and you’ll be clear with your expectations and boundaries.

5. Maintain Eye Contact

Maintaining eye contact is a part of body language, but it is a key component of assertive communication as well. Having direct eye contact helps you maintain control and convey confidence. It also shows that you are being attentive. However, it is important to note that people who are neurodivergent may have difficulty with direct eye contact, and eye contact is just one way of many to practice assertive communication.

6. Know Your Boundaries

Boundaries protect our energy and keep us from taking on too much. Boundaries are essential for our well-being, and assertive communication allows us to preserve our emotional and physical health. Respecting boundaries can be difficult, but saying no is as important as saying yes. Using assertiveness keeps our boundaries intact and shows others we know what’s best for ourselves.

7. Practice Active Listening

Being assertive does not mean ignoring the other person’s point of view. Assertive communication values respect and an open mind to listen to the other person’s perspective. Active listening involves not interrupting, not jumping to conclusions, and being present in the conversation at hand.

8. Be Appreciative

Assertive does not equal self-righteousness or even that you’re right. Listen to what the other person has to say, be grateful, and apologize when necessary. Be open to what they have to say and act with respect, which sets assertiveness apart from being aggressive.

When to Seek Help

If you notice that you have difficulty saying no or standing up for yourself and are feeling like people take advantage of you, this could be a sign you need help being more assertive. If you have a hard time maintaining relationships or struggle with conflict, assertive communication training can help.

You can learn these skills through therapy modalities such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). These are easily accessible through online therapy options, or you can find a local therapist who specializes in these modalities by using an online therapy directory.

In My Experience

A lot of us struggle with assertive communication. I have dealt with this personally and also with clients in clinical practice. It is absolutely a skill that can be learned, and with practice, it does become easier. Standing up for yourself and sticking to your boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first, but with time you’ll notice you’ll feel empowered by listening to and expressing your needs and can feel happier overall. Assertive communication applies to all areas of our life and can improve relationships both personally and at work.