Couples who struggle with lack of communication in their relationship usually experience ongoing, unresolved conflict, making it difficult to manage stressors such as finances, sexual intimacy, children, and work. However, couples can learn how to communicate more effectively, which helps resolve conflict and experience greater relational growth.
Why Is Communication Important in a Relationship?
Healthy communication in a relationship helps create the space for both people to share their thoughts and feelings, express their needs, set healthy boundaries, learn how to deal with relationship conflict together, and resolve issues when they arise so they don’t become increasingly problematic. This helps couples feel more emotionally connected to one another, become more confident in their ability to have a healthy relationship moving forward, both short and long term, and create a deeper level of intimacy. During these conversations, both people should be able to become more vulnerable, open, and curious, which strengthens the relationship’s foundation.
However, when couples have poor communication, they often feel emotionally unsafe and disconnected. They feel frustrated, unimportant, and alone in their relationship. They don’t feel optimistic about the longevity of the relationship, because there seldom is the opportunity to repair and heal past wounds, let alone ongoing ones. This keeps them stuck in a negative patterns of communicating, which makes it difficult for them to relate to each other and work to resolve conflict
Signs of Bad Communication in a Relationship
Bad communication often has a detrimental effect on relationships, so it is important to learn and recognize its signs. These may include a partner who doesn’t listen or pay attention, a partner who centers the attention back to themselves, or someone who becomes defensive during conversations.
Signs of bad communication in a relationship include:
- They don’t listen
- They invalidate your feelings
- They interrupt you in conversation
- They offer unsolicited advice
- They are constantly distracted
- They use aggressive language
- They practice stonewalling during conflict
- They are defensive
- They lack empathy
- They have poor emotional intelligence
- They don’t manage their tone or inflection
How a Lack of Communication Affects Relationships
Lack of communication can happen in all relationships, and if ignored, can often lead to bigger issues for couples. A lack of communication can lead to blame, relationship anxiety, depression, and resentment in marriage or relationships, and may increase the likelihood of a breakup, separation, or divorce.
Some of the ways poor communication can affect a relationship include:
- Resentment towards one another
- Focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship
- Lack of relational growth
- Developing a toxic relationship
- Becoming disconnected from each other
- Lack of security and safety
- Missed opportunities to share problems and difficulties with one another
- Relationship anxiety
- Feeling hopeless about the relationship
Unfortunately, poor communication in a relationship can also impact the individuals in many ways, including:
- Low self-esteem
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Increase in loneliness
- Increase in stress levels
Married couples may experience more significant levels of stress from a lack of communication, as they may have additional family dynamics and the option of divorce to consider. When children are involved, they often feel the stress, anxiety, and tension between their parents. Married couples often worry that divorce would be too painful for their children as well.
13 Ways to Fix a Lack of Communication in Relationships
There are several ways couples can change and create healthier ways of communicating with one another, regardless of the stage of their relationship, level of commitment, or the severity of communication issues. As long as both parties become aware of the issues and commit to working through them together, building a healthy relationship and recovering from a lack of communication is possible.
Here are thirteen tips for how to fix communication problems in relationships:
1. Increase Your Awareness
Awareness of issues is always the first step in making sure they can be resolved. As obvious as it may seem, oftentimes, it can be that one or both people are not aware of the communication issues that affect their relationship. When having an argument, it is important that couples practice self-awareness and identify where the breakdown of communication occurs, so that they can work to resolve it.
2. Make a Commitment to Change
After becoming aware, it is important that each person makes a commitment to changing the patterns that are detrimental to the relationship. A good way to begin is to identify one change each person needs to make and write it down.
3. Set Up Accountability
After making the commitment to work towards better communication, it is important that both people hold each other accountable as they try to implement these changes. If one person does well the first time, but reverts to their old communication patterns shortly, their partner should be able to hold them accountable–and they should be able to take accountability for their mishaps and mistakes.
4. Understand Your Attachment Style
People’s attachment styles are shaped in early development with their primary caregivers and impact how they relate to others in their relationships. This includes how people form bonds, how they communicate, how comfortable they feel in the relationship, etc. It is important to understand how one’s attachment style may influence their communication patterns. For example, someone with a secure attachment style may react differently than someone with avoidant, disorganized, or anxious attachment.
5. Be Proactive About Your Communication
Often, communication issues come up during times of conflict. When discussing how to avoid communication issues, consider coming up with a plan after cooling off.
Some things to consider when making a conflict plan include:
- Make a list of the challenges
- Limit the conversation to 30 minutes and one topic
- Take turns sharing how you feel
- Don’t interrupt. Write things down if you have to.
- Manage your feelings
- Discuss whether taking “breaks” during the conversation is okay ahead of time
- Put your phone away and turn the tv or computer off. Be present.
- Maintain good eye contact
6. Be Open to Suggestions
Being open to suggestions means being able to listen to each other’s perspective on the situation and how each might want to resolve the issue. It doesn’t mean that one or the other is correct, but without being open to the other’s point of view, reaching a compromise will be even more difficult.
7. Be Curious About Your Partner
Ask each other questions to get to the bottom of why they might think or communicate a certain way. Ask them to share more about a particular emotion, or ask them how they reached a conclusion or feeling. A great question to ask when there is a breakdown in communication is: How can I best support you moving forward? Use this time to get to know them in a different way and learn how to be a better partner for them.
8. Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is important in all types of relationships, but especially when struggling with communication issues. Sometimes, boundary and communication issues go hand in hand. For example, if someone struggles with a lack of communication in their relationship, they may find it more difficult to express and assert their boundaries. This can, in turn, make it more difficult for them to feel confident in their relationship.
9. Check In on a Regular Basis
Decide when to have check-ins with one another about how the changes in communication are working. Be deliberate about scheduling a block of time to discuss this – it can be weekly, a few minutes each day, once every few weeks, etc. Consider using relationship journal prompts to go deeper into conversations with your partner.
10. Express Vulnerability
Often, when there is significant communication breakdown, there is a heightened fear of rejection that might cause one or both people to suppress their vulnerability and hide it from their partner. Learn to express vulnerability and pain by using “I” and not “you.” This helps the other person avoid feeling guilt and blame for their partner’s feelings.
11. Focus on the “We”
When people are communicating about issues, it’s important to come from a “we” perspective. This shows that, ultimately, the goal is for the relationship to thrive, and to not be self-serving in nature. For example, use phrases like, “I want us to become better at communicating” and “I know that we can make our relationship better.”
12. Celebrate the Small Wins
As people work through their communication issues, there will be periods of time when things improve, and couples will often reach positive milestones when implementing these changes. Don’t forget to celebrate those! It can make the difficult times easier to manage when the payoff is recognized.
13. Be Patient
It’s also important to remember that not everything that you plan on will go according to plan. Often, couples experience many “fits and starts” when making changes. This is all part of the process. Sometimes, one person is in a different place than the other, or can communicate better, and this can make the process frustrating for both people. It is important to give each other grace while navigating conflict in the relationship, and to remember how each person may be feeling.
What to Do When There Is No Communication in a Relationship
People often struggle with knowing when to walk away from the relationship when there are communication issues. Many remain hopeful, but if you have taken actionable steps to improve the communication and it’s not working out, you have to evaluate if the relationship has reached a point of no return.
Signs that it might be a good time to break up include:
- Lack of compatibility
- Persistent trust issues
- Little emotional intimacy
- Sexless marriage or relationship
- Lack of curiosity about your partner
- Both people live separate and parallel lives
- One or both partners have tried to work through communication problems with their partner, to no avail
When to Seek Couples Counseling for a Relationship Without Communication
There is no “perfect” or right time to seek therapy. Some couples work tirelessly on their relationship without seeing results, which is often a good indicator that they need professional help. Although most couples wait several years before finding a couples or marriage counselor, the sooner they do, the better their chances of working through communication issues in their relationship.
There are numerous benefits to couples counseling. A therapist can help implement healthier strategies and aid in learning how to manage the ups and downs that often come when couples start to make communication changes in their relationship. Therapy provides the platform to understand your partner differently, in a non-judgmental way.
If one or both individuals would like to explore going separate ways, they may consider discernment or divorce counseling. These options can help people arrive at a healthy end to their relationship, and if needed, work with married couples to divorce amicably, maintain healthy communication during divorce, work through co-parenting issues, and navigate how to talk to their kids about divorce. You can find a therapist by asking for a referral from a loved one or your doctor, or via an online therapist directory that allows you to filter by location, specialties, and insurances accepted.
When to Try Individual Therapy
Sometimes, it might be helpful for people struggling with lack of communication in a relationship to seek individual therapy as well. Dealing with issues that may affect communication, such as an individual’s own trauma and mental health struggles, can vastly help efforts made in couples counseling.
Final Thoughts on a Lack of Communication
Despite experiencing poor or lack of communication in a relationship, there are tangible steps couples can start to take today to improve their relationship. It often takes commitment and active participation to make sustainable and necessary changes in relationship communication. Taking this path will provide the confidence and hope both people are looking to salvage in their relationship.
Impacts of Lack of Communication in a Relationship Infographics
