Having a parent with bipolar disorder can be difficult, especially if the condition is undiagnosed or untreated. How to best handle the situation depends on the severity of the condition, the parent-child relationship, and a host of other factors. Still, there are healthy and effective ways to cope with these challenges that can help a person feel more secure in their relationship with the parent
Understanding Bipolar Disorder in Parents
Bipolar disorder is a genetic condition which requires a combination of medication and talk therapy to curb undesired symptoms. Regretfully, there is still a stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and mental health, in general. Because of this, numerous people continue on an uphill battle alone instead of seeking readily available treatment. The instability of the condition does make parenting difficult. One must consider how challenging it is to raise a child without having this condition.
The complexity of recurrence of invasive symptoms intensifies the experience, especially during more difficult times. Accordingly, rather than setting healthy examples of how to respond to difficult situations and providing loving support, the opposite may occur, which leaves many children scared, confused, and ambivalent or avoidant insofar as establishing and maintaining a healthy attachment. Here, both the parent and child suffer unnecessarily.
It is important to note that many cases of bipolar disorder go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. In these cases, bipolar symptoms may be unknown, minimized, or attributed to something else. Some parents may be reluctant to be assessed and accept treatment, while others may believe they have something else or that they are inherently flawed. Either case is problematic, as one cannot effectively recover without the appropriate medical intervention. This is especially true of individuals of advanced age who have gone many years believing they are who they are.
A parent may experience types of bipolar disorder such as:
- Bipolar I: As the most severe type of bipolar disorder, individuals diagnosed with bipolar I are most likely to experience psychosis.1Furthermore, women with this diagnosis are at very high risk for postpartum mania and psychosis.2
- Bipolar II: Though individuals diagnosed with bipolar II are less likely to experience psychosis, they are not immune.2 Depending on genetics, various medical conditions, stress, environmental factors, or substance use, one may still be at an increased risk.
- Cyclothymic disorder: Cyclothymic disorder is less understood than bipolar I and II, as it does share similarities with both diagnoses as well as major depressive disorder but is met with less severe manic and depressive cycles.3
- Substance-induced: Substance-induced psychosis, as the name implies, is a form of psychosis that is specifically elicited by the onset of substance intoxication or withdrawal.4Symptoms may include paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, anti-social behavior, panic attacks, and confusion.5
- Unipolar depression: Unipolar depression is better considered a type of depression one experiences rather than a diagnosable disorder.6 A marked difference between unipolar and bipolar conditions is that with unipolar, there is a lack of marked manic states.6
- Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder: Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder is regarded as one of the more severe forms, as it entails a more rapid cycle between and among depression, mania, and hypomania—marked by, at least, four episodes each year.7
Risk Factors for Bipolar Disorder
According to research, 2.8% of the US population experience bipolar disorder each year.8 Furthermore, roughly 4.4% of all Americans will experience bipolar disorder at some point in their lives.9 Of those who have one parent with bipolar disorder, there is a 15-30% likelihood of acquiring it later in one’s own life.10 This risk is increased to 50-75% if both parents are diagnosed.11 While genetics seem to play a large role in one’s risk for bipolar disorder, there are several other factors that may contribute to its development.
Risk factors that can lead to someone developing bipolar disorder include:
- Abnormalities in brain structure (i.e., prefrontal cortex, amygdala, hippocampus, etc.)
- Imbalances in chemical availability in the brain (i.e., neurotransmitters, serotonin, etc.)
- Genetic predisposition
- Periods of heightened stress
- Alcohol and/or drug abuse/addiction
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Effects of Growing Up With a Bipolar Parent
Bipolar disorder in parents can present challenging environmental factors that can have long-lasting effects on a child. Given the emotional instability of the parent, one may present as warm and loving one moment, but then irritable and aggressive the next. This may be especially true when children act out or make mistakes, as a common part of childhood.
For those presenting with bipolar psychosis, the experience may prove especially scary for children. The paranoia, hallucinations, and delusions may skew a child’s experience of reality—making them fearful of that which presents minimal, if any, harm. In some cases, children may even feel unloved, which damages their self-concept.
Growing up believing that the one person who should love them unconditionally does not can compromise development among all categories (emotional, cognitive, learning, physical, et cetera). Other presenting complications for children may include guilt or depression, anxiety or withdrawal, and shame.12
Below are six potential impacts of growing up with a bipolar parent:
1. Having to Grow Up Fast
Having a parent with bipolar disorder can take an easy-going childhood away from someone. A child may find themselves “walking on eggshells” to avoid triggering an episode or take on the role of care-giver—ultimately caring for the individual who should be caring for them.
Exposure to extreme mood shifts force a child to start taking responsibility for themselves or even leaning on others for this support. If the experience is not worked through in healthy fashion, one is at heightened risk for developing a multitude of other mental health disorders throughout childhood and adulthood. This is atop of the increased likelihood of developing bipolar disorder oneself.
2. Trust Issues
It is also important to consider how the erratic behaviors and manipulative behavior of a bipolar parent can lead to trust issues. The world is a scary enough place as it is. Learning who to trust and not is a critical balancing act throughout life.
On the one hand, people thrive in prosocial support. On the other, they struggle embedded in toxic relationships. When the individual who should exemplify trust is incapable of doing so, it is difficult to trust others. This may lead toward pause in attempting to engage in new relationships as well as reservations while maintaining them. Further, this example may lead children to believe all others are like this. They may find themselves waiting on “pins and needles” with others they care about, too.
3. Self-Blame Traits
Given that a parent may continually act out on a child who otherwise is unaware of the bipolar condition, children may begin blaming themselves. They may think, “I am the reason my parent acts this way” or “I cannot do anything right.” Thoughts like these may prove common and lead to extensive self-criticism.
The child takes on the blame for everything, even when they did nothing wrong. For those children who are readily aware of the condition and see their parent struggle, they may carry survivor’s guilt into adulthood and develop a more complicated disorder. Here, some children may overly engage with their parent—dedicating everything they can to them—while others become withdrawn from their parent and others.
4. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
A lack of structure experienced in the household can lead to the development of OCD. A child may learn what seems to work and become obsessed with ensuring everything proceeds accordingly. The series of intrusive thoughts and rituals eventually extend beyond parent-pleasing and to other aspects of life. In some cases, children may become obsessed with attempting to heal their parent or becoming the perfect child. Again, this may lead to extensive self-criticism or survivor’s guilt.
5. Depression & Anxiety
Ongoing childhood emotional neglect from a parent can lead to the development of depression and anxiety. When the vicious cycle that is bipolar disorder continues, children may become hopeless. As hope dwindles, depression grows, intensifying in symptom severity along the way. Concurrently, one may experience anxiety and worry that anything can happen at any moment. Rather than mindfully focus on the positive, they continue worrying.
In combination, depression and anxiety weigh a child down and become more invasive into adulthood if gone uncorrected. For many, feelings of anxiety and depression may be minimized, as they believe they are not struggling as much as their parent, and that this is just their reality.
6. Financial Insecurity
Manic episodes can lead to poor financial decisions (like compulsive shopping) and depressive episodes can make it hard to maintain a job. Financial instability stemming from these considerations may lead to unstable housing, inconsistent nourishment, compromised medical care, lack of clothing, and otherwise. At the very least, the child may go without some toys and be out of vogue insofar as the trends others are following.
Given the value many ascribe to belonging in various peer groups, this experience may prove isolating. In even worse circumstances, it may prove detrimental to one’s health. When such economic hardships or financial stress lead to basic needs going unmet, social services may need to intervene, as this is considered financial abuse or neglect.
Common Questions Children of Bipolar Parents Ask
Reflecting on one’s life with a parent struggling with bipolar disorder can leave a child with many questions about how to appropriately respond to everything they have been through with their parents. The truth is that every situation is different. It is also true that no one must make any major decision alone. With support, it is possible to make the most informed decision for oneself. Whether one chooses to continue helping or throws in the towel all-together, healthy boundaries should be set while effectively utilizing coping skills. This is the healthiest means of proceeding for all involved.
Common questions children of a bipolar parent may ask include:
Will I Also Develop Bipolar Disorder?
Although the likelihood of acquiring bipolar disorder increases in the presence of one or both parents having the condition, there is no guarantee. Paying close attention to one’s mental health while living and working in a healthy environment may reduce risk factors. Further, the condition is highly treatable. Therefore, if one does develop the condition and seeks treatment early, it is highly likely that symptoms will prove manageable leading toward a happy, healthy life.5
Am I To Blame for My Parent’s Bipolar Disorder?
No one is to blame for their parents, or anyone else, having bipolar disorder. Its presence is outside of one’s control. The condition is one that develops over time and was likely present before the birth of the child. Further, it is one that can get better or worse with age. In the cases of early detection and treatment compliance, the prognosis is good. For those who detect it later or refuse treatment, symptoms become further complicated. In either respect, this is not the fault of the child. This cannot be stressed enough.
How Do I Know If My Parent Has Bipolar Disorder?
There are many cases in which parents aren’t even aware that they have the disorder, are given a misdiagnosis, or choose not to tell their child for fear of their response or change in perspective. In the cases of a lack of awareness or receiving an improper diagnosis, parents cannot correct that of which they are unaware. In cases where parents do not tell their children out of fear, they may be doing this to protect their children. They believe they are doing the right thing, although this may complicate matters further.
Should children believe their parents have bipolar disorder, it helps to become as well informed on the condition as possible. Observe their behaviors and make notes. Read the available literature on the condition. If it appears that one’s parent may have bipolar disorder, speak with a professional for support. Remember, that unless the parent is imminent harm to self or others, one cannot be mandated into treatment.
Accordingly, it is important that children come from a well-informed, supportive place when having this conversation. Parents may deny the existence of bipolar or even become defensive. This is common and should not be taken personally. There are many cases in which working through relationship complications becomes the responsibility of the healthy child should they decide to bear them.
Common symptoms associated with bipolar mania include:
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
- Euphoria
- Decreased need for sleep
- Increased talkativeness (pressured speech)
- Racing thoughts
- Distracted easily
- Increase in goal-directed activity or psychomotor agitation
- High sex drive
- Engaging in activities that hold the potential for painful consequences13
Common symptoms associated with bipolar depression include:
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
- Significant weight loss or decrease or increase in appetite
- Engaging in purposeless movements
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Diminished ability to concentrate or indecisiveness
- Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or suicide attempt 13
Will My Parents Ever Get Better?
There is hope that one’s parent(s) diagnosed with bipolar disorder may get better. Though bipolar disorder is incurable, sufferers may effectively manage it through medication and therapy. The frequency and invasiveness of medication and therapy will vary by person and condition but a healthy life is possible.
For those who actively engage in treatment and find relief, it is a sign that it is working. This is not an indication that one is cured, which is a common fallacy for many that may lead to relapse. Even when treatment is adhered to in strict fashion, relapse is possible and is normal for many. The difference with relapse occurring while treated versus not is that with treatment, symptoms are often less severe, while getting back to a balanced state occurs more quickly.
How Can I Help Them Feel Better?
Though one cannot prevent an episode from happening nor control their parents’ mood cycles, maintenance of treatment and positive/relaxing environments helps reduce the risk of more drastic mood changes. Here, the important thing is to remain calm, cool, and collected. For many, this does require personal therapy. However, there are strategies for those even outside of therapy that may prove fruitful.
Children can help their parents when they are experiencing a mood episode with interventions, such as:
- Giving a parent experiencing an episode some space
- Bringing in loved ones who have helped effectively manage episodes in the past
- Calling 9-1-1 if the episode leads to them being a danger to self or others
- Helping remove them from harmful stimuli
- Listening to what their parent is saying without judgment or making remarks that further complicate matters
- Utilizing one’s own coping skills to remain grounded
Can Someone With Bipolar Be a Good Parent?
Whether one is a good or bad parent varies case-by-case. The reality is that there are numerous good or even great parents who struggle with bipolar disorder. In some cases, symptoms are minimally observable or even go unnoticed. This is especially true when the parent remains committed to treatment. For those who refuse to get help, the expression of symptoms and consequences for their children vary widely.
Remember, bipolar disorder is an illness of the mind, not a personality type. A bipolar diagnosis does not define a person. Many otherwise warm, loving, attentive, and supportive individuals struggle with this condition. As with any disease, there will be bad days. It is important to prepare for these as best as possible while not taking blame for or internalizing what happens. It also helps to cherish the good days as best as possible. The more aware parents and children are of the condition and symptoms, the better able they may respond. In some cases, parents rolling with the symptoms of bipolar as they occur may even enhance their parenting.
Possible benefits of having a bipolar parent include:
- High energy can be helpful at times (such as having the means to care for children and spontaneous activities)
- Apprehension from depression can sometimes be a blessing in disguise in avoiding unwanted situations
- Heightened anxiety around truly dangerous situations may prevent one from getting in harm’s way
- Excessive talking may lead to many cherished conversations, which strengthen the familial bond
- Working through a challenging situation in healthy fashion (especially with the involvement of a therapist) may enhance effective coping skills for parents and children that last the duration of their lives
How to Cope With Having a Bipolar Parent
In life, the truth is that we all have choices. No one ever has to do anything. While dodging important life responsibilities may lead toward undesirable consequences, people have choices. Especially as an adult child of a parent with a bipolar diagnosis, one does not have to provide support. That said, for those who do choose to take on the major undertaking of supporting their parent, it is acceptable to take pride in one’s assistance.
Either way, one’s health and well-being should be prioritized regardless of making the decision to help or not. One cannot support others without supporting themselves, like how one cannot drink from an empty glass.
Some tips to help you cope with having a bipolar parent include:
Know When to Walk Away
Walking away may be something temporary or indefinite. Either way, it may be a difficult decision. Temporarily taking space may be the healthiest thing for both the child and the parent struggling if support is leading nowhere. In the event where someone’s parent is not willing to address their illness, the healthiest thing may be taking a more permanent form of distance. Again, we cannot force others to change. If help is unwanted, especially when it cannot be forced, it is best to focus on one’s own life.
Set Boundaries
There are ways to set up boundaries with parents that still allow contact or create criteria that a parent has to meet before a child reengages. Perhaps this entails regular phone calls instead of face-to-face meetings. Perhaps face-to-face meetings are limited to once per week or on special occasions instead of daily. Perhaps in situations where children and parents live together, there are ways to effectively communicate and how distance should occur temporarily to work through an episode. Whatever boundaries are set, it is critical that they are clearly defined and upheld. Remember, what works for one may not work for another. Finding what works best may take some time.
Accept Who You Are
It helps to maintain a strong identity. Although having a parent struggling with bipolar disorder is a part of one’s life, it does not have to define it–nor should it. When people recognize that they are not their parents or doomed to the same life outcomes, it is easier to move forward. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder, especially the way it is portrayed in the media, can leave children embarrassed by their families and unwilling to seek support. Trying to hide one’s past and relationship with their parents will only prevent healing and can leave one with an identity crisis.
Look for the Positives
Everyone’s story is unique and being able to find the positives through the darkness can help develop a better outlook on life. Though difficult, doing so builds strength. As they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” While there may have been substantial sacrifice, ongoing negotiations, emotional instability, and otherwise, there is still much light when one looks for it. Positivity is ultimately what yields hope for a brighter tomorrow. Having the support of others, especially those who have overcome similar circumstances, demonstrate that one is never alone and that a happy life is possible.
Develop Your Own Community
Although being the child of a bipolar parent may seem like an isolating experience, it does not have to be. Securing prosocial support can make all the difference. Whether face-to-face or by attending online support groups, you no longer feel alone.
The human experience of sharing similar stories is cathartic. Through community, one may feel affirmed, receive support, become privy to various coping skills, and learn of helpful resources. Though reaching out for support may prove an uncomfortable experience at first, it may be the very thing that gets your life on track. It is also helpful to extend beyond support groups and toward developing your own community. This may include individuals with shared interests, similar beliefs and values, and otherwise.
Seek Therapy
Being raised by a bipolar parent can lead to other mental illnesses. Whether one’s parent decides to engage in support or not, it is helpful to seek one’s own therapist. In therapy, individuals have a safe space to speak their truth without judgment. Beyond laying one’s thoughts and feelings on the table for deeper reflection, individuals learn effective coping skills and may be connected with other helpful resources.
Remember, one cannot help another without helping themselves first. Accordingly, if a person is struggling but considering family therapy, finding a therapist for themselves first is appropriate. Once in a better place, family work may begin. An additional option, in the presence of individual and/or family therapy or not, may be group therapy.
Final Thoughts
Having a parent struggling with bipolar disorder may be difficult, but there are ways to move forward. When the situation exceeds one’s capacity to live a healthy life, it is recommended to seek support. Though one cannot force a parent into treatment, there are options for seeking one’s own assistance
For Further Reading
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline
- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)
- NAMI
- National Suicide Hotline: Dial 988
Having a Bipolar Parent Infographics
