Comforting Words for Someone With Anxiety, According to a Therapist

Why It Matters How You Speak About Anxiety

When we talk about anxiety, the language we use to describe it and the tone in which we talk about the topic can say a lot. It’s important that we’re mindful of not using blame-driven language or using certain tones that can trigger a feeling of shame. Knowing what not to say to someone with anxiety is just as important as knowing what to say

Being careful about how you talk about a condition a loved one has is important so we don’t do more harm than good. It is okay for you to have your thoughts and feelings about it. However, it is key to also understand from their perspective how harmful it can feel if anxiety is talked about in a way that minimizes or criticizes the lived experience. This can have really negative impacts and lead a person with anxiety to have an anxiety attack, panic attack, or develop social anxiety and keep themselves isolated.¹

Comforting Words for Someone With Anxiety

There are some universal comforting words for someone with anxiety, but it’s important to remember who you are speaking to and the context. People with anxiety are comforted in different ways, and it’s important to learn what may be more helpful for your loved one.

Here are eight things you should say to a person with anxiety:

1. “I’m Here for You”

This is helpful to hear because the one with anxiety feels less alone. They feel reassured that they can lean on you when they feel anxious, and being able to rely on this can be a huge relief.

2. “Do You Want Me to Stay & Keep You Company?”

This is good to ask because it makes it feel okay to need company. It can be hard to ask for what you need when you’re anxious, and sometimes, the presence of someone can be really helpful. Spending time with someone, even in silence, can help coregulate them.

3. “Your Feelings Are Valid”

This is a positive message for someone with anxiety because they often feel like their emotions are invalid, wrong, or crazy. They often will overthink their thoughts and start going in circles. Letting them know that what they feel is valid can be grounding and normalizing.

4. “This Feeling Will Pass”

This is a good reminder that feelings don’t stay forever. When someone is in the middle of an anxiety attack, it can feel like that feeling is going to stay forever. Hearing this is a gentle reminder that you won’t feel this way forever.

5. “Feelings Are Not Facts”

This is a helpful reminder to hear. When people are feeling anxious and have all their reasons why and are replaying all the worst-case scenarios, it can be hard for them to remember that it is not based on reality. Helping them remember that their feelings are just that, feelings and not facts, helps them remember that they have more control than they do.

6. “It’s OK to Feel This Way”

This is important to say, as it normalizes the feelings that come with anxiety. Anxiety can be very stigmatized, and it can be hard to feel like it is ok to feel however you feel. This helps us remember we are allowed to feel however we feel.

7. “You Are Not Alone”

In the midst of an anxiety attack, it can feel very isolating. Saying that your loved one is not alone is a great way to remind them that they have people who support them. It helps to make the experience less overwhelming.

8. “What Helps?/What Can I Do To Help?”

Asking these questions is important to hear from their point of view what would be helpful. It also gives them a chance to think about something else and lean on known sources of strength. This can be an empowering experience for the person with anxiety.

How To Help Someone With Anxiety

It can be hard to know how to help a loved one with anxiety, but there are a lot of things you can do. While we know there are some common phrases that can be helpful to hear at the moment, what they may need in other moments may differ. You can learn to recognize the signs of a panic attack and help them learn their anxiety triggers, and encouraging them to work with a therapist is always important.²

Here are some tips for how to help someone experiencing anxiety include:

Use Reflective Listening to Validate Their Concerns

Reflective listening is a communication skill that can help validate your loved one’s perspective and emotions. When someone has anxiety, they often search for validation of their experience from their loved ones. Reflective listening encourages listening to the person’s concerns, summarizing what you hear, using emotional words (i.e., scared, sad, afraid, hopeless), and allowing room for clarification. It can be helpful to start with, “What I’m hearing you say is…”

Here are some examples of reflective listening:

• I am hearing you are experiencing peaks in your anxiety because of all the life changes you are experiencing. Would it be helpful to go on a walk outside together as a distraction?
• I’m hearing that you’ve had several panic attacks today that are leaving you feeling exhausted. I may have missed what I can do to help but feel free to let me know what you need.
• I think what I hear is that being around so many people is making you feel anxious. I might have heard that you need to leave this social environment, but can you clarify if I heard you correctly?

Learn Their Triggers

A loved one’s triggers for anxiety can vary based on the type of anxiety they have, stress levels, and personal life factors. Asking your loved one about their triggers can show you are trying to pay attention to create a safe environment for them.

Some things to consider might be people, places, and situations that trigger anxiety. A question you can ask them is, “I want to support you in coping with your anxiety triggers. Would you be willing to share some of your triggers with me?”

Educate Yourself on Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety can be caused by many different things. It might be helpful to ask your loved one if they are willing to share their diagnosis so that you can educate yourself about their disorder and unique anxiety symptoms. Remember to use accurate and quality resources, such as government websites, research articles, and podcasts about anxiety from professionals.

Quality resources to learn about anxiety:

• Anxiety brochures from National Institute of Mental Health
• Anxiety and Depression Association of America
• World Health Organization Anxiety Fact Sheet
• National Alliance on Mental Illness Anxiety Fact Sheet
• Your Anxiety Toolkit Podcast

Encourage Distractions When Helpful

Distractions for anxiety can be helpful when someone’s anxiety is peaking and unavoidable or when they need to push through their anxiety momentarily to fulfill responsibilities. For example, a fidget toy can be a helpful distraction when someone has dental anxiety and needs to get some anxious energy out while waiting to attend a dentist’s appointment. In this situation, they need to attend the appointment for health reasons, but the distraction serves a purpose to help limit anxiety.

Identify Your Own Boundaries

When a loved one has anxiety, they may often turn to you to help them feel better. This can easily become an exhausting and frustrating process. However, you may not be comfortable sharing your feelings because you worry that you will make their anxiety worse. It is important to identify what boundaries you may need to put in place to protect your own mental health capacity.

Examples of how to set boundaries with a loved one who has anxiety:

• I am noticing my own anxiety getting worse and need to take a small break to regulate my own emotions. I will be back in ten minutes.
• Thank you so much for being vulnerable enough to share. This is too complex for me to know how to help you, and I think you should speak to your therapist. I am happy to support you before or after the session.
• I’m so thankful you feel comfortable enough to share with me. I notice when you talk about x that I’m not sure what to say. I might only be able to provide you with validation on this topic because I don’t have enough information to have my own opinion.

Gently Refuse Reassurance-Seeking Behaviors

Some individuals who struggle with anxiety may use reassurance-seeking behaviors to calm their distress. This is especially common for people who have relationship anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, and social anxiety. Examples of reassurance-seeking include asking a partner repeatedly if they are mad at you or repeatedly asking a loved one if they think something you said at a social function was “okay”.

Reassurance-seeking generally happens repeatedly for loved ones and can cause exhaustion or irritability. It can be difficult to refuse to give your loved one reassurance because you know they will experience an uptick in anxiety symptoms. However, continuing to provide reassurance will only perpetuate the cycle of distress in the long term.

Do a Breathing Exercise With Them

Breathing exercises for anxiety are a simple way to calm an anxiety attack. Instead of getting “stuck” in fight or flight, where breathing is shallow and quick, breathing strategies encourage deep, slow breathing, which resets the body. Offering to breathe with your loved one can help them slow down their breathing and avoid painful symptoms like hyperventilation.

Go on a Mindful Walk Together

Mindful walks are easy, simple, and accessible strategies for increasing movement, providing distraction, and re-setting the breath. Sometimes, individuals who experience anxiety may feel anxious about leaving the home. Offering to go on a mindful walk will help them to become more comfortable with leaving home and provide support when their symptoms are the most intense. While on the walk, using the 54321 method may help your loved one re-ground in the present moment.

Where to Find Professional Support

Helping a loved one to begin treatment for their anxiety can be life changing, though it can be challenging for you. There are many ways to find a therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety. You can use a therapist directory to search for therapists in your loved one’s area who take their insurance. Alternatively, an online therapy platform that takes insurance may be a good option for someone whose anxiety makes it difficult to leave home.

For yourself, you can look into therapeutic groups for family and friends of a loved one with anxiety. These groups will connect with others who understand the complexities of supporting someone with anxiety, providing emotional support and possibly tips for how to handle it. Group therapy and support groups are available online or in person.