Comphet: Definition, Symptoms, & How to Overcome

What Is Compulsory Heterosexuality?

Comphet is a term that was popularized in 1980 by Adrienne Rich, a feminist poet. Comphet originated as the concept that people feel obligated to live as a heterosexual, even if they have a different sexual orientation. Comphet may restrict some people from exploring their sexuality, while others may suppress their confirmed sexual desires to abide by a heterosexual lifestyle.

Although comphet is commonly associated with LGBTQ+ individuals, it can be applied to heterosexual people too. For heterosexuals, comphet is the implication that a connection between a man and a woman is inherently a sexual attraction or romantic attraction, purely based on the fact they are both heterosexual. Comphet can complicate dynamics between heterosexual people and make it difficult to show admiration for someone without implying romantic or sexual interest.

History of Comphet Theory

Adrienne Rich popularized the term comphet in 1980 through her essay, “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.” In her essay, Rich argued that heterosexuality is not innate in human beings and it is not the only “normal” sexuality. Rich argued that comphet existed because men benefitted from male-female relationships, while women could benefit more from relationships with other women than from relationships with men.¹

Rich’s essay was strictly from a lesbian feminist point of view, and many of her arguments, while seemingly generalized, were based on her own experiences under comphet pressures. Theories regarding comphet have evolved since Rich’s popularization of the term and are more inclusionary of a variety of gender identities and sexual orientations. Comphet affects all people.

Signs of Comphet

Experiencing comphet may look different depending on one’s own gender identity and sexual orientation. However, the consistent theme of experiencing comphet is feeling invalidated or conflicted in your feelings regarding your sexuality. Homosexuals, bisexuals, or other queer people may experience denial regarding their same-sex attractions. While heterosexuals may have difficulty interpreting their appreciation for someone of the opposite gender as platonic or more than.

Signs of compulsory heterosexuality include:

• You’ve consistently felt pressured to find an opposite-gender partner to prove your heterosexuality to yourself and others.
• You’ve sought out an opposite-gender partner to achieve societal norms of marriage and child-rearing rather than desiring an opposite-gender partner.
• You’ve avoided experiences, social events, or engaging in personal interests for fear of judgment or negative consequences from others.
• When you’ve questioned your sexuality, you’ve felt sexual shame and suppressed the questioning.
• You’ve had a difficult time seeing yourself in a same-gender relationship due to internalized homophobia that being heterosexual is “normal” or desirable.

Comphet Vs. Sexual Orientation OCD

Comphet can cause an individual to think critically about their own sexual orientation, which can result in distress. This distress experienced around one’s sexuality draws parallels between comphet and sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD). SO-OCD is a specific form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that involves one doubting and questioning their sexual orientation to the point of rumination and distress that it impacts their daily life.³ However, while the two regard similar themes, comphet is a social construct, while SO-OCD is a mental health disorder.

Impact of Comphet on LGBTQ+ Individuals

LGBTQ+ people, or other people questioning their sexuality, are likely to suffer from poor self-esteem due to concepts of comphet. Social standards, as well as a variety of media outlets, focus on upholding heterosexual models of behavior. This leaves LGBTQ+ people feeling like an “other” and implies a sense of wrongdoing or abnormality.⁴

Feeling like an “other” due to comphet concepts may also cause LGBTQ+ people to fear for their safety. Being seen as an outlier may cause LGBTQ+ people to lose social or financial support, as well as cause them to fear violence against them. These fears, as well as other factors, may prevent LGBTQ+ people from “coming-out” and influence them to adhere to comphet standards.

How to Overcome Comphet

Overcoming comphet concepts is a difficult process because they are ingrained into many societies through familial norms, religion, and various forms of media. There is no one correct way to overcome comphet, and the process of working through such will vary depending on the specifics of a person’s life. Overcoming comphet can be significant in one’s journey of self-acceptance and finding their identity.

Here are six ways to overcome comphet:

1. Set Aside Time for Self-Reflection

Engaging in self-reflection calls for a person to consider whether their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are due to how they feel they “should” be acting or how they “want” to act. People can practice this skill to evaluate whether they are acting in accordance with comphet standards or through their own lens.

Here are some ways to increase your self-awareness:

• Meditation: Meditation is intended to improve one’s ability to focus and regulate your emotions. Meditation can help improve one’s ability to reflect on their actions.
• Yoga: Yoga is a physical practice that also affects the mind. One will become more aware of their body’s physical sensations and how stress manifests in different parts of the body.
• Journaling: Journaling provides one with an outlet to reflect on their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Journaling is an expressive practice with no guidelines. Ideally, reflecting on one’s entries will inspire one to repeat positive behaviors/reactions and avoid repeating negative ones.
• Reflection: Reflecting on one’s actions can improve their ability to hold oneself accountable in the future and improve on negative behaviors. Setting aside some time every day to reflect on the day’s events without distractions can be a beneficial and relaxing practice.

2. Seek Information From Reliable Resources

Overcoming comphet can be achieved by educating oneself about comphet. Reading books, articles, and journals, as well as engaging with other forms of media, will help one become more familiar with the concept of comphet. Through these resources and pieces of media, one may develop a greater understanding of oneself and their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Here are some resources, literature, and organizations that can help overcome comphet:

1. “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence” by Adrienne Rich
2. “Reflections on ‘Compulsory Heterosexuality’” by Adrienne Rich
3. “The Coming Out Handbook” by The Trevor Project
4. “A Resource Guide to Coming Out” by Human Rights Campaign Foundation
5. “Coming Out Later in Life” by The National Resource Center on LGBTQ+ Aging:

3. Ask for Support From Loved Ones

Overcoming comphet can also be achieved by seeking support from family, friends, and romantic partners, amongst others. Identifying one’s true feelings can be difficult without considering outside influences, such as comphet. Receiving support from a loved one can be a powerful support system for those struggling with comphet, as it often feels like an isolating experience.

4. Speak With a Therapist or Counselor

Beginning therapy can be a vital way to overcome comphet. Sometimes, an objective opinion from a therapist or counselor may provide someone a new, clarifying perspective. A provider can assist with identifying an underlying concern that is contributing to one’s daily distress or difficulty overcoming comphet.

Those seeking a mental health provider have a variety of options to find a therapist or counselor who can help navigate comphet. An online therapist directory is useful for finding a therapist specializing in sexuality in your area.  For those unable to find an in-person provider or unable to travel to one, an online therapy platform can provide a qualified therapist who works virtually.

5. Join a Support Group or Online Community

Joining a support group or online community can be helpful for those trying to overcome comphet. A support group or online community can allow someone to connect with others who have experienced similar concerns. This empathy and connection with others can help someone feel less isolated and more motivated to live authentically as they navigate overcoming comphet.

6. Explore New Environments

Some seeking to overcome comphet concepts may benefit by being exposed to new environments and people. For instance, someone questioning their sexual orientation may benefit from visiting an LGBTQ+-centric space, as it may serve to normalize LGBTQ+ people and interactions. Of course, venturing into new spaces should only be considered based on comfortability and willingness to attempt.

When to Seek Professional Support

Some individuals may prefer to handle their comphet concerns on their own through education and other independent activity; however, this may not be sufficient for other people. Some people may require professional support to process their thoughts and emotions and move forward from comphet.

One should consider seeking professional support if they find their mental health concerns and struggles with comphet to be impacting their daily life. Some may experience anxiety, signs of depression, poor eating habits or sleeping, moodiness, and difficulty socializing, among other symptoms. Seeking professional support may be best for those feeling overwhelmed by their symptoms and unsure how to move forward.