Romantic Attraction: What It Is, Orientations, & More

What Is Romantic Attraction?

Romantic attraction is the internal pull that you experience when you are with someone with whom you internally feel connected, comfortable and interested in spending more of your life with. Actions that people take when romantically attracted look different for each person and can range from small to grand gestures that are spontaneous or planned while being intentionally creative or meaningful to the relationship. These gestures and connection points may bring up sexual feelings, excitement and obsessions or preoccupations about the new relationship.

According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, romantic love involves intimacy and passion.¹ Romantic attraction in relationships often starts in the limerence phases of relationships, which often is also referred to as the honeymoon phase of intimacy and is short-term, lasting somewhere between one month to six months.² After romance and love is established, the goals of connection evolve into trust and commitment but is built off of the foundation of love and romance.

Romantic Attraction Vs. Sexual Attraction

Romantic attraction is the inner experience to bid for connections that are in context to sexual feelings or impulses to further experience love and sexual feelings together. Sexual attraction is a general framework for what sets loving and sexual feelings to happen. Sexuality is specific to the individual and the context of the relationship.

The difference between romantic and sexual attraction is how the love is being experienced and what is wanted in the future. So romantic attraction can bring sexual attraction and vise versa. Sexual feelings are certainly part of romance and romance can also lead to more romance. The way a relationship responds to each of these essential experiences shapes how the relationship will later on grow into trust and commitment.

Romantic Relationships Vs. Platonic Relationships

Romantic relationships are relationships intentionally initiated and maintained for experiencing sexual and romantic feelings together, whereas platonic relationships are usually centered on another purpose like hobbies, friendship, support, work, etc. Romantic relationships can also include these purposes as well, but the platonic relationship excludes the romance and sexual feelings.

It can be difficult sometimes for people to differentiate signals sent in relationships that feel like romantic advances but are part of platonic relationships. If you are concerned that this could be happening to you, know that you are not alone and talking about the hopes and expectations that each person has can save heartache and confusion when addressed sooner than later.

Romantic Attraction Vs. Other Types of Attraction

Romantic attraction is one of the many types of attraction. It is a crucial part of your experience of yourself and the other person(s) involved in the relationship. You can have multiple experiences of attraction or love or sexual feelings all at the same time, which makes understanding the inner experiences difficult at the moment. But this is why it is essential to explore and understand yourself and the other person in light of what each person feels, wants and hopes for.

Keeping in mind that romantic attraction can happen at any time, the attraction is not good or bad, the attraction is telling you something about what is happening right when the attraction happens. So when something or someone is attractive to you, it is about your turn ons, or your turn offs.

Below are some of the common types of attraction:³

• Romantic attraction: The internal pull that draws your attention to the other person’s positive qualities, and your internal reaction to connect, love, share and spend time with them to have more romance.
• Aesthetic attraction: This is your internal pull to a certain look or experience. This could include visual-spatial components to the attraction, or the other person’s appearance.
• Intellectual attraction: This is being drawn to someone’s mental fortitude or the way that someone engages with you to get more time with their intellect.
• Physical attraction: This is being pulled or drawn to someone’s physical appearance. This could vary from person to person but the attraction is generally connected to your senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing.
• Sexual attraction: The body, not limited to the sexual organs, can be appealing to you or could include physical details that are turn ons for more sexual connection.
• Emotional attraction: An emotional attraction to the way people hold, carry or engage their emotions. Someone who is connected to their inner experience for themselves sets a relationship up to be able to share more inner experiences together.

Romantic Attraction & Romantic Orientations

Romantic attraction is the inner pull experienced to connect and love, which comes in certain contexts/situations/preferences. Romantic orientation is the set point of preferences and desires that you (and others) are looking for in relationships.³ For some, connecting with and understanding orientation is a lifelong process where for others the process is clearer. Further, someone with a sexually fluid orientation is constantly changing and responding to the moment’s inspiration and connection without limits.

Below are common romantic orientations:³

• Aromantic: This form of romantic attraction is very limited or without romantic attraction experiences.
• Biromantic:. Romantic attraction to two separate gender identities simultaneously.
• Cupioromantic: Someone who wants a romantic relationship but does not have inner experiences of romance.
• Demiromantic: Romantic attraction that comes only after there is an emotional connection.
• Panromantic: Someone who is panromantic experiences romantic attraction without restriction of gender preferences.

Signs of Romantic Attraction

Romantic attraction, when it happens, is usually connected to inner experiences of pleasure and deeper relaxation.⁴ The feelings of romantic attraction lead to deeper connections in relationships as well as relaxation in the body. Signs in the body range from person to person, but generally are positive experiences leading to further infatuation and strong urges to overlook each other’s personality or character flaws.²

Below are signs that you may be experiencing romantic attraction:

Risk Taking Behaviors Could Increase

Everyone responds differently to romantic attraction, but when we are wanted by someone else, risk-taking can increase. This includes sexualized behaviors in order to continue to connect with the object of your attraction. Continued repetition of attempted closeness through spending time, energy, money or resources.

You Feel More Confident

It’s a powerful feeling to be desired and wanted by someone else. For some this experience is something that they have always wanted, or thrive off of. Increased confidence can come from a sense of security as a secure-ish attachment is being fostered.

You Feel Protective

For those who show their love by creating a safe (emotional or physical) environment, you may feel protective when experiencing romantic attraction. Knowing this about yourself is very important to know as a sign to yourself that you are experiencing romantic attraction, when you feel responsible to care for, stand up for, or even protect.

You Feel Connected To Yourself

By having someone to give your love to, you can see the depth of feelings of love inside you that you normally don’t get a chance to display. While this is the case for some, a deepening capacity to care for or connect with others comes from deeper understanding of yourself. This is also explained by the fact that early on in relationships, couples are often very curious about each other and ask good, open-ended questions which cause explaining deeper concepts and sharing deeper stories. By unearthing these experiences, you can be reminded of who you are and what you have been through, creating deeper connections with yourself and others simultaneously.

You Could Become More Sensitive To Rejection

Taking relational risks by putting yourself out there causes many to experience social anxiety. Beyond the experience of anxiety, the fear of rejection can come up in the initial conflicts that the relationship has, causing extra sensitivity internally as the perfection of your partner wears off. No one likes being rejected, and it is all the more sensitive when things seem perfect.

You Find Yourself Thinking 10 Steps Ahead or Even About Marriage

Planning ahead is one thing. But if the romantic feelings are one sided and those plans start to include major life changes or decisions including marriage, kids, or investments together – it may be a sign of obsessing. Planning for the future with a romantic interest happens naturally as the brain starts to plot out the trajectory of a life together, but you should check in with yourself to see if the relationship is good for you, before taking it that far.

Does Everyone Experience Romantic Attraction?

The short answer is not everyone experiences romantic attraction and that is ok. When someone does not have romantic attraction, it is called aromanticism (meaning a=without romanticism). Sexual feelings are different from romantic feelings, and can also be interconnected but not always. Those who are asexual do not have sexual feelings or impulses but could experience romantic attraction. Remember, the attraction is telling you, the person who is experiencing the attraction, what you want more of. Trusting this experience is the first step to getting more of what feels good to you.

Sexual feelings are not the end all since relationships are oftentimes centered on aspects of life like fun, love, connection, sharing, support, etc. and not just on sex. In the queer community, focus on platonic relationships allows for queer people to be friends, have positive feelings and relationships that don’t necessarily evolve romantically or sexually. These relationships in life are equally as important since all of life is made up of powerful connections that happen romantically, sexually and relationally over hobbies, interests, needs, connections and mutual appreciation.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help a variety of issues including understanding the differences between sexual and romantic attraction experiences. Seeking therapy can be really supportive at any stage of a relationship, but if you are someone who falls hard for others, or finds yourself misreading cues for platonic relationships as opposed to sexual or romantic relationships, therapy can be really supportive for you to connect with yourself and others in the ways that are mutually beneficial.

Couples oftentimes report that they have “lost” their passion or excitement for one another. Many times this is because of unresolved conflict or growing apart as the relationship matures into phases of building love past limerence into trust and commitment. While this is a common experience it certainly does not have to be normal. Finding the right therapist for your relationship’s needs is essential. Couples therapy is helpful for these situations. For those in the LGBTQ+ community, getting help from an affirming therapist is one of the best ways to to get connected with yourself and your relationship. Plus, with virtual therapy being more popular these days, the online therapy option is a good idea for those needing support but don’t have time or access to an in person visit.

In My Experience

In my professional experience working with those who have fallen in love with friends, I have seen and supported the let down that happens. Devastatingly, the hope to connect, love and be loved can bring confusion and shame about feelings inside. The good news is that attraction can be a wonderful, powerful and exciting part of life with others and finding the right outlet is essential for a lifetime of satisfaction in relationships. By allowing yourself to accept and notice what you are doing inside the relationship, you will get better connections with yourself and others that are truly satisfying.