Sexual Shame: Definition, Causes, & How to Overcome It

What Is Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is when you feel there’s something “wrong” with you around sexuality, which can make you worry about being judged or rejected. It often comes from not knowing how others really feel about sex, so you might worry you’re different or don’t measure up. This kind of shame can lead you to keep parts of yourself hidden, which makes it hard to see that you might actually have more in common with others than you think.

What Causes Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame can arise from any experience in which we felt judged or faulty for our sexuality. Comments from peers, family, faith, and media can sometimes vilify very normal human experiences. Sex shaming has been used as a means of control by many cultures, leading to the evolution of purity culture that many continue to experience today.

Common causes of shameful feelings around sex include:

Traumatic Sexual Experiences

It’s common for survivors of a traumatic sexual experience to feel like something’s wrong with them or, even worse, to somehow feel to blame for what happened, even though they aren’t. Trying to talk about these experiences can be hard, and if people react poorly—by dismissing or judging them—it only makes things worse. This reaction can add a layer of shame, making it feel even harder to heal and move forward.²

Messages Received During Childhood

The messages we pick up as kids about our bodies and sexuality really stick with us. If a child is scolded for things like curiosity about their body, they can quickly learn to feel ashamed or “wrong” about it. When adults say things like “no one will want you if you do that,” kids start believing that expressing anything sexual is bad or shameful. These early lessons can make it hard to shake off shame around sexuality as they grow older.

Cultural and Societal Norms

Cultural and societal expectations around sexuality can be powerful sources of shame. Messages from society about what’s considered “normal” or “acceptable” can make someone feel ashamed if they don’t fit into those norms, especially regarding gender roles, sexual orientation, or preferences.

Body Image Issues

Body image is closely tied to sexual confidence, and poor self-image can lead to shame around sexuality. If someone feels uncomfortable or insecure about their body, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, which can interfere with intimacy and lead to shame.

Religious Affiliation

Some religions have strong beliefs around sexuality, often teaching that sex outside of marriage or queerness is wrong. When you grow up hearing these messages can make you feel guilty or even afraid to express any sexual thoughts or feelings.

Pornography and Media

The portrayal of sexuality in media and pornography can create shame if someone doesn’t feel they measure up. They often highlight certain body types, appearances, or sexual behaviors, leading to comparisons that can cause shame and self-doubt.

Being Openly Judged

It only takes one negative comment or look—like someone saying “gross” or giving you a look of disgust—to make you second-guess yourself. These kinds of reactions can really stick with you, even if they’re from strangers. Over time, a repeated judgment like this can make you start feeling ashamed or like there’s something wrong with you.

Physical or Emotional Abuse

Abuse, whether physical or emotional, chips away at a person’s sense of safety and confidence—both of which are so important for a healthy relationship with sexuality. When abuse involves your body or targets your sense of self, it’s easy to start feeling ashamed of who you are or uncomfortable with intimacy. Moving past these feelings can be tough, especially if this kind of mistreatment happened when you were young and still figuring out who you are.

Signs of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can show up in different ways—physically, emotionally, or through your behavior. Physically, it might look like avoiding eye contact, hunching your shoulders, or feeling tense when talking about sex. Emotionally, it can show up as anxiety, guilt, or a sense of discomfort when thinking about intimacy. Behaviorally, sexual shame might lead you to avoid certain topics, sidestep physical closeness, or prioritize others’ needs over your own in intimate settings. Recognizing these signs is the first step to understanding and letting go of sexual shame.

Here are common signs of sexual shame:

• Avoiding nudity: If you feel more comfortable covering up, even in non-sexual situations, such as changing in a locker room, this may be linked to sexual shame. The feeling of clothing as a protective barrier can become second nature when there’s a deep discomfort with being seen as sexual, whether or not the setting is intimate.
• Extreme discomfort with sexual topics: Shame often makes you want to avoid anything that triggers it. When that shame centers on sex, talking about sexual topics can feel intensely uncomfortable. You might feel distress, wanting to change the subject or leave the conversation entirely. Watching sexual scenes in movies or TV might be something you avoid or endure with difficulty.
• Discomfort around making sounds during sexual activities: Sex naturally involves sounds, from voices to body noises, but if you’re not expecting this or have been shamed about it, it can be hard to stay present and enjoy the experience. You might feel embarrassed, especially about things like “queefing,” even though it’s a normal outcome of certain movements during sex. Remember, sounds are a natural part of intimacy and nothing to feel ashamed of.
• Difficulty staying present during intimacy: Sexual shame often creates a sense of disconnection, making it hard to fully embrace yourself, especially your sexuality. You might find yourself distracted or unable to fully enjoy sexual experiences. This struggle to stay in the moment can keep you from truly connecting with your partner or experiencing pleasure.
• Prioritizing your partner’s satisfaction over your own: If you often put your partner’s needs first in intimate situations, it might stem from a deep-seated belief that their satisfaction matters more than yours. This pattern of people-pleasing can mask underlying sexual shame, causing you to overlook your own desires.
• Experiencing sexual dissatisfaction or dysfunction: Shame can block the flow of sexual energy needed for arousal, excitement, or orgasm. It can make it difficult to communicate openly with your partner, which in turn reduces your enjoyment and connection during intimacy.
• Engaging in secret or excessive sexual behaviors: For some, sexual shame can lead to patterns of problematic behavior, like engaging in secretive or excessive sexual activities to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Unfortunately, these behaviors can create a cycle where shame-inducing actions are used as coping mechanisms, only deepening the feelings of shame over time.
• Avoiding masturbation: Masturbation has many benefits—it can be relaxing, help with cramps, and is a common way to feel good. But if you feel sexual shame, even the idea of masturbation might bring up guilt, making it something you avoid. It might feel too uncomfortable to be worth any pleasure that could come from it.
• Viewing sex as “wrong” or something to avoid: If you feel regret or shame after sexual activity, you might see sex as “bad” or something to avoid. These feelings often stem from early messages that discouraged sexual expression or shamed you for natural self-exploration, like masturbation.
• Difficulty saying sexual words/terms: If you didn’t have access to healthy sex education and feel shame around sexual topics, it can be tough to talk about your body or needs. You might use vague language or euphemisms, like saying “down there” for genitals or “intimacy” for sex, which can lead to confusion, especially when talking with a partner.
• Substance misuse: Coping with shame can feel overwhelming, and some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the discomfort. This pattern is especially common for those who’ve experienced sexual trauma and received negative reactions when they tried to share their experience, leading them to seek comfort in substances.

How to Overcome Sexual Shame

Even though sexual shame may feel overwhelming, there is a way through it. Having a solid set of coping skills will help deal with the feelings that will likely come up when working through this. It is important to process the origins of shame, evaluate sexual values, and choose with intention behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are permissible for you.

Here are ten ways to overcome sexual shame:

1. Recognize the Root of Your Shame

Start by reflecting on where your shame around sexuality began. Was it from cultural messages, family beliefs, a lack of sex education, or past experiences? Understanding where your shame comes from can help you see that it’s something you learned, not something that defines who you are. Journaling is a good way to explore these feelings in a safe and private way.

Here are some helpful prompts to explore the root of your sexual shame:

• What words do I associate with “sex”?
• What is the meaning of sex to me, and where did that come from?
• What permission have I been given around sex, pleasure, and my body?
• What do I need in place internally or externally to fully pursue pleasure?
• What am I worried may happen if I let loose sexually?

2. Educate Yourself About Healthy Sexuality

For many of us, sex education was limited or focused mainly on anatomy and preventing disease, with little emphasis on pleasure, consent, or self-exploration. Sexual shame often feeds on this lack of information and can make it hard to know what’s “normal.” Consider exploring adult sex education classes or reputable online resources that offer a broader, more positive view of sexuality. Expanding your understanding in this way can help reduce self-judgment and replace shame with confidence and curiosity.

3. Get Comfortable With Yourself

Becoming comfortable with your sexual self is key to feeling at ease sharing intimate experiences with others. Start by exploring your body in a non-sexual way. Try taking a sensual shower, where you engage all your senses—use a relaxing-scented cleanser, play soft music, and light a candle. Touch your body slowly and intentionally, focusing on simply being present in your skin. Notice the sensations and textures on your skin, and breathe deeply, reminding yourself there’s no one to judge you here.

Once you feel more familiar with this, you might gradually explore self-pleasure through masturbation. Appreciate your body’s natural ability to feel pleasure, focusing on the sensations as they arise. Imagine each touch lighting up nerve endings and bringing a gentle awareness to your body. The goal isn’t necessarily orgasm; it’s about being fully present and connected to yourself. And if at any point it feels uncomfortable, it’s completely okay to stop—unlearning shame takes time, and going at your own pace is what matters most.

4. Reach Out to Friends

Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way—many people experience shame around sex.¹
Try bringing up the topic gently with friends you trust, perhaps by saying something like, “I read an article about sexual shame—have you ever heard of this?” to gauge their response. You might be surprised to find your friends relate and appreciate the conversation just as much as you do! Talking about these feelings openly can be a comforting reminder that you’re not alone in this experience.

5. Talk to Your Partner(s)

Shame thrives in secrecy, so opening up can be a powerful step toward healing. If you’re in a relationship, consider sharing your feelings of shame with your partner(s). Talking openly allows your partner to understand what you’re going through and offer support when you need it most. Additionally, many couples find that discussing sex openly brings them closer and deepens sexual intimacy. Building trust and comfort in talking about these topics can be a meaningful way to strengthen your relationship.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness and understanding—can be a powerful tool in overcoming sexual shame. When shame makes you feel unworthy or “not enough,” self-compassion reminds you that everyone struggles and that you deserve kindness, especially from yourself. While empathy from others can be incredibly healing, learning to show empathy toward yourself can help you release feelings of shame and build a sense of self-acceptance around your sexuality. Loving yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential for experiencing intimacy without shame.

7. Seek Professional Support

Speaking with a therapist, particularly one skilled in sexual health, trauma, or shame, can be invaluable in addressing sexual shame. A therapist can guide you in understanding the root causes of your shame, helping you unravel the complex feelings and beliefs that may be holding you back.

If your sexual shame stems from past trauma, working with a therapist experienced in trauma therapy can be especially beneficial. Trauma-informed therapy can provide a safe, supportive space for you to explore the impact of traumatic experiences on your sense of self and your feelings around sexuality.

If your sexual shame is connected to challenges around your gender or sexual identity, finding a therapist who understands and affirms your specific identity can make a meaningful difference. A therapist who is knowledgeable about LGBTQIA+ will have insight into the unique struggles that can come with navigating cultural stigma, family expectations, or internalized shame tied to sexual orientation or gender identity.

8. Look Through a Cultural Lens

Shame can make you feel as though something is fundamentally wrong with you. Taking a step back and viewing your experience through a broader, cultural lens can provide relief. Often, the expectations we struggle with aren’t personal—they’re rooted in cultural beliefs or societal pressures. Reflect on where these standards come from and who truly benefits from them. This perspective can help you release some of the self-blame and see that your feelings are part of a larger picture, not a personal flaw.

9. Practice Mindfulness

Shame can exacerbate themes of dissociation around the body. It can also heighten distressing bodily sensations, making sexual activity physically painful or emotionally unbearable or both. Mindfulness is a gentle way to bring yourself to the present moment by simply focusing on your experiences within the here and now. The goal here is to avoid self-imposed judgment. Practice neutrality as you label what you’re feeling, thinking, or experiencing. This skill can naturally diffuse high levels of anxiety.

10. Surround Yourself With Positive Messages About Sexuality

Many people with sexual shame hold onto negative beliefs about sexuality, sexual discovery, and sexual desire. These beliefs can reinforce shame spirals, causing you to feel poorly about yourself. Try engaging in media (books, podcasts, social media pages) that promote concepts of sexual liberation and healthy intimacy. Furthermore, aim to surround yourself with positive role models, including friends, who embrace their sexuality. This exposure can help cultivate a more open and positive attitude, reducing internalized shame.

How to Find Professional Support

Finding the right professional support can make all the difference in addressing and overcoming sexual shame. To begin your search, consider using a local therapist directory, which allows you to filter therapists by their specialties, experience, and identity. Alternatively, there are many online therapy services who can match you with a therapist who specializes in your unique concerns and identity. Support groups, either in-person or virtual, can also be an excellent complement to individual therapy. Being in a group of people with similar experiences can provide additional support and opportunities to be safely seen by others.³