What to Know When Dating Someone With OCD

What Is OCD?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by the presence of obsessive, intrusive thoughts that lead to anxiety. The anxiety is resolved when the person engages in the compulsive behavior, often repetitively. This is only a temporary feeling, as the intrusive thoughts tend to come back stronger after completing the compulsive behavior.

OCD can occur at any age, although most common between the ages of 8 and 12 or between late teen years and early adulthood, with a prevalence estimated at about 1 in 100 adults and 1 in 200 kids and teens.¹ Risk factors for OCD include family history, neurobiology, childhood trauma, or a temperament predisposed to depression or anxiety.²

OCD is characterized by:

• Obsessions: Obsessions are repeated, intrusive thoughts or mental images that are unwanted and bring anxiety. Common obsessions include fear of germs or contamination, aggressive thoughts towards self or others, or fear of forgetting or losing something.
• Compulsions: Compulsions are repetitive behaviors one feels an urge to do in response to an obsession to relieve anxiety. Compulsions can be excessively cleaning, ordering items in a precise way, or repeatedly checking things such as locking a door.

Is OCD Treatable?

There is no cure for OCD, but OCD treatment can be effective in managing OCD symptoms. Treatment options can include a combination of medication, such as anti-depressants that target serotonin, and psychotherapy approaches of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for OCD, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for OCD, and exposure and response prevention (ERP). Alternative treatment methods can include transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) for OCD and deep brain stimulation (DBS).²

Signs of OCD in a Partner

Signs of OCD in a partner can vary because there are several types of OCD. However, there are some common signs of OCD that you may notice. You may observe them checking items repeatedly or obsessively seeking reassurance. The actions you would observe would be time-consuming and interruptive to daily life. Your partner may demonstrate signs of anxiety or distress before engaging in these behaviors.

Common signs and symptoms of OCD include:

• Doing things over and over again (repetitive behaviors)
• Simple tasks take longer than usual
• Avoidance of certain tasks, situations, or people
• Increase in irritability
• Increase in indecisiveness
• Changes in sleep patterns or eating habits
• Extreme emotional reactions to small things or increased concern for minor details
• Constant self-judgment or excessive need for reassurance
• Tardiness, or chunks of unexplained time the person spends alone (e.g., in the bathroom, getting ready for the day)

It is important to keep in mind that many of these signs can all be signs of a different mental health concern, so if you believe your partner may have OCD, it is helpful to speak to a professional who is familiar with OCD about your concerns.

How to Ask Someone You Are Dating if They Have OCD

If you notice common signs of OCD in your partner, it may be time to start a dialogue. It is important to consider that this is a sensitive topic, and your partner may feel vulnerable discussing it. Lead with empathy and respect for your partner. Focus the conversation on how these symptoms affect your relationship to be able to brainstorm strategies to solve problems as they arise.

Here are some tips for how to start a conversation about whether someone has OCD:

• Create a safe moment to start a conversation: Make sure that both you and your partner are emotionally available to have a serious conversation. It is wise to take a time out if feeling overwhelmed. Don’t be distracted by other things, such as phones, when having this conversation.
• Share your observations: Using gentle empathy, talk to your partner about some of the symptoms and behaviors you have observed. Statements such as, “I noticed…,” and share the behavior you have observed, “…how are you feeling?”
• Aim for supportive and non-judgmental questions: Avoid shaming or blaming language when having this conversation because this can cause your partner to feel OCD guilt. Use open-ended questions so your partner can share with you their thoughts and feelings.
• Listen to your partner: Give your partner time to process your questions and consider their answers. Give them your full attention when listening to their responses. Use non-verbal communication cues, such as nodding, to show your partner you are listening to them.
• Accept your partner’s boundaries: If your partner states they are not currently ready to share this information with you, accept the boundary. Share with your partner that you are here to support them when they are ready to talk with you.

How to Ask Someone if They Are in Treatment

Factors to consider when deciding if it is time to talk to your partner about OCD treatment are relationship duration and emotional closeness. If you and your partner have been dating for a while or tend to share often with one another, it may be more comfortable to have this discussion. Newer relationships or relationships where emotional closeness is not present may be barriers to an effective dialogue.

Before starting this conversation, consider if there have been recent stressors that may increase your or your partner’s emotional vulnerability and act as barriers to an effective dialogue. Examples of such stressors could be the loss of a loved one, job loss, recent injury or illness, or stress in school or work, such as deadlines.

The Impact of OCD on Relationships

Your partner may experience additional stress from worrying about the impact of their OCD on your relationship, and this can be exacerbated by a current or past romantic partner who was judgmental or rejecting. You may find you have to make changes to your daily life to accommodate your partner’s OCD, which may be challenging or interruptive to you.

Can You Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone Who Has OCD?

It is entirely possible to have a healthy relationship with a partner who has OCD. Just as with any relationship, challenges will be present. Through healthy communication and collaboration with your partner, you can find effective compromises and strategies to overcome these challenges and develop a meaningful and fulfilling romantic relationship.

The best way to show up for your partner is to be empathetic, understanding, patient, and honest. Educate yourself about OCD and support your partner’s treatment. Establish an effective self-care routine, participate in your other meaningful relationships, such as with friends or family, and establish effective boundaries with your partner around their compulsions to prevent conflict from misunderstanding later on.

Does OCD Affect Intimacy?

OCD can impact sexual functioning both physically and emotionally.³ Some people with OCD may also experience depressive symptoms, which can impact libido and sexual desire. Additionally, contamination OCD can impact intimacy as the person would experience obsessions regarding contamination or hygiene, which may reduce sexual desire, or compulsions can be interruptive to intimacy in a relationship. Obsessions about body image can also impact sexual functioning.

Here are some strategies for maintaining intimacy while accommodating the challenges of OCD:

• Good communication: Stay open about needs and emotions throughout the experience.
• Enforce boundaries: Let your partner know that you will not be participating in rituals you do not feel comfortable with.
• Use mindfulness: The person in need or both partners can use mindfulness strategies to cope with intrusive thoughts and stay engaged in the present moment.
• Trust each other: Trust is integral to any effective relationship, and building trust through open dialogue, active listening, respecting each other, and expressing your emotions can support intimacy.
• Get involved: If continued interruption to intimacy seriously impacts your relationship, consider joining your partner in therapy to work through these issues.

How To Talk To Friends & Family About Your Partner Having OCD

Friends and family may ask questions about your partner when you introduce them or may have observed compulsive behaviors that they wish to talk to you about. Ignoring the elephant in the room is not an effective option, and developing a plan with your partner to talk to others about these experiences may be the step to take.

Here are some tips for how to talk to friends and family about your partner having OCD:

• Check with your partner first: You do not want to disclose your partner’s health information without first discussing with them their comfort with doing so and how they would prefer to discuss it with others.
• Decide on what information is okay to share beforehand: You and your partner may wish to keep privacy on some aspects of this experience. Agree on together what pieces of information you both feel comfortable sharing with your friends and family and which pieces you would prefer to keep private or discuss only with a therapist.
• Create a safe and comfortable environment: Agree on a time with your partner to invite others to a safe space where privacy is granted to discuss your partner’s OCD with others.
• Keep it supportive: Avoid the use of blaming or shaming language to avoid the development of resentment within relationships in your social network.
• Use time-outs: If you or your partner are becoming very uncomfortable and wish to pause the conversation, or if others are becoming uncomfortable or agitated, which is negatively impacting the conversation, have a strategy to take a break from the talk and agree on a time to come back in a better headspace to work it out.

How to Support a Partner With OCD

Being supportive of your partner with OCD and them being supportive of you involves using open communication to create a healthy relationship. Actively listening to one another without judgment or interruption, having empathy and understanding for each other, and using “I” statements to discuss your feelings rather than shaming or blaming language, for example, can guard your relationship from unhealthy conflict and resentment.

How to Navigate Reassurance Seeking in the Relationship

Your partner with OCD may constantly seek reassurance from you in ways that can feel intrusive or overwhelming, like asking if you are mad at them or are attracted to them repeatedly. OCD reassurance-seeking behaviors are your partner’s attempt at relieving their anxiety at the moment, but reinforcing this behavior by providing reinforcement causes more long-term distress and feeds the anxiety.

Using clear communication skills, set boundaries with your partner with OCD in moments that are calm and peaceful, and enforce them in moments of distress. Assure that your partner understands these boundaries and that the intention with the boundaries is not to be hurtful but to be instead supportive. Review these boundaries as needed and discuss them in therapy together if available.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries Around OCD Behaviors

Healthy boundaries within the relationship are key to your well-being in a relationship. They can include sharing your needs with your partner or saying ‘no’ when you need to. Regarding OCD in a relationship, these boundaries can involve your partner’s compulsive behaviors or rituals that you wish not to participate in.

Benefits of Dating Someone With OCD

The most important thing to remember is that someone with OCD is a full person and can be a wonderful partner to you. They can be funny, supportive, compassionate, and have as many strengths as a partner without OCD would have. Dating someone with OCD can be dating someone with strong empathy due to their lived experiences through unique challenges.

Importance of Self-Care When Dating Someone With OCD

Using self-care and maintaining your emotional well-being is key to supporting your partner. Self-care contributes to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship by supporting your and your partner’s individual needs so that you can come together more intentionally and flexibly. Good self-care allows you to show up in every space of your life feeling better.

Consider a relationship to be a scale: it is important to be supportive of your partner with OCD to maintain a healthy relationship, but that needs to be balanced with maintaining your well-being. Balancing this scale allows a relationship to flourish without developing intense resentment.

Here are some ways to take care of yourself when dating someone with OCD:

Practice Intentional Self-Care

You cannot pour from an empty cup; that means you cannot help others until you first have helped yourself. To be supportive and patient with your partner with OCD, make sure that you have time to attend to your own needs in your schedule and make yourself a priority.

Here are some ways to practice intentional self-care:

• H.A.L.T.: If you notice your fuse is particularly short, practice H.A.L.T. by asking yourself these important questions: are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? This method allows you to check in with yourself to identify your current needs so you can explore potential solutions with self-care.
• Connect with others: Practice self-differentiation in your relationship to make sure that you spend time building and being nourished by other relationships with friends and family.
• Move your body: Whether it be a daily walk, time at the gym, or restorative stretching, adding intentional movement is incredibly beneficial for your mental health.
• Attend to your spiritual needs: Spiritual self-care is important for those who find value and connection to a higher power. Take time for prayer, attending service, honoring religious days, or other aspects of your spiritual practice as a priority in your schedule.
• Have fun: Do things that you enjoy doing, either with your partner, with your friends and family, or on your own. Engage in hobbies, travel, or just relax with a good movie.

Encourage Your Partner to Strengthen Their Support System

Your partner with OCD may feel lonely due to the social stigma associated with OCD. Research indicates high co-morbidity between OCD and depression.⁴ Helping your partner build a robust social support network can help with taking care of oneself and allows for self-differentiation in a relationship.

Supporting your partner in strengthening their support system might involve:

• Support groups: Helping your partner connect with others with shared experiences or joining a group together can help you and your partner both feel more seen in your experiences.
• Social clubs: Connecting with others who share interests and hobbies can allow for the development of meaningful friendships, such as through a sports team or a book club.
• Connecting geographically: Being able to connect with others in your community allows for an easier time accessing your social support.
• Making friends together: Connecting with shared friends or other couples can foster positive connections within your relationship as well as with others.

Begin Individual Therapy

Beginning therapy can relieve some distress for someone who is in a relationship with someone who has OCD, as it provides a safe and confidential space to process experiences and make sense of emotions you may have surrounding your partner’s OCD. Additionally, a therapist can help you develop effective strategies to cope with what cannot change and find solutions to what can be changed.

How to Find Professional Support for a Partner With OCD

When OCD symptoms become severe enough to impact your partner’s daily life and relationships, professional treatment should be sought. Using an online therapist directory or online OCD resources can be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment in your area and within your insurance network.

While OCD medication is not always necessary for OCD treatment, it may be an effective treatment option for some individuals and can be worth exploring. For those who are unable to access a psychiatrist in person, using online psychiatrist options can be a good choice for finding OCD medication management.

Couples Counseling When a Partner Has OCD

OCD treatment tends to focus on the individual, which may not be effective in addressing needs in the person’s relationship. Couples counseling can be an avenue for you to become involved in the dialogue, address the ways in which OCD impacts the relationship, and participate in the solution. Couples counseling includes traditional techniques as well as a couples-based CBT intervention to address OCD in the relationship.⁵

When looking for a couples therapist, it is important to find a therapist who is familiar with OCD. If you and your partner have busy schedules, it may be worthwhile to explore online couples counseling options, which can make attending therapy once a week a bit more manageable.