Disorganized Attachment: Definition, Causes, & Signs

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are the modalities used to relate and connect with others based on lived experience, usually starting in childhood. Think of attachment as the compass needle that points to and determines how emotionally and physically close you can be with others, especially your caregivers. While there are both “good” and “bad” styles of attachment, disorganized attachment is decidedly “bad” and considered unhealthy.

What Is Disorganized Attachment?

Disorganized attachment, a type of insecure attachment, is evident in moments of high anxiety/emotion, especially for those who have a history of emotional abuse or instability. Insecure attachment can look like someone who chooses solitude or is emotionally mute. They may also appear cold and aloof but oftentimes, this is largely indicative of avoidant tendencies.

Disorganized attachment can feel impulsive to the individual due to a lack of general understanding about what structure and order feels like. While people with disorganized attachment want to live a stable, chaos-free life, their only understanding includes a chaotic baseline, setting them up to repeat the toxic patterns.

Adults with a disorganized attachment tend to want to connect with others and share in intimacy and love; however, they put up a lot of barriers to protect themselves from abandonment. This is rooted in external vs. internal conflict, a general sense of uncertainty, feelings of mistrust, and fear of communicating needs/expectations or sharing vulnerable emotions.¹

Disorganized Attachment vs Avoidant Attachment

All insecure attachment styles are undesirable as they will result in unwanted effects on relationships and overall levels of happiness. Disorganized attachment may include the most problematic features and is the most difficult attachment style to treat.

Avoidant attachment is marked by:

• Dismissive attitudes
• Little interest in relationships
• Avoidance of intimacy
• Limited ability to reach out or connect with others

Disorganized attachment adopts features of avoidant styles, and can also include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Outbursts and unpredictable behaviors
• Poor self-esteem and self-worth
• Reliving abuse and trauma through relationships

What Causes a Disorganized Attachment Style?

When caregivers are physically and emotionally unavailable, the inconsistent patterns negatively impact the way their child develops meaningful bonds. They can no longer rely on the caregiver as the source of support they should be. This type of environment during developmental years leads to substantial attachment trauma, affecting how children relate to others as teens and as adults. They learn that they are unable to go to certain people, despite them being their primary or only caregivers.

Children with disorganized attachment continue to struggle to form secure bonds with their caregiver, tending to get close and then distance themselves as a means of self-protection. These same behaviors often follow them into adolescence and adulthood.²

Signs of Disorganized Attachment in Adults

Signs of disorganized attachment in adults may include:³

• Poor emotional regulation
• Seeking extreme closeness or extreme distance with no in-between
• Highly anxious of others intentions
• Inconsistency with their own romantic relationships
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of getting emotionally intimate
• Low self-esteem
• Resistance to form secure attachments due to trust issues

Disorganized attachment in adulthood is also linked with anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder (BPD).^4,5

What Do Relationships With Disorganized Adults Look Like?

When adults have this type of attachment style, they tend to not have consistent or clear ways of engaging with others. They may display a push and pull dynamic, wanting to be in a committed, loving relationship but having deep fears about being abandoned. Even though they crave intimacy, they can be perceived as wanting to avoid it, which makes relationship stability and longevity a challenge.

Due to painful lived experiences, adults with this attachment style are always waiting for the next rejection. They may find it difficult to trust their partners and likewise may even be fearful when their partners share positive loving emotions. They are so used to getting hurt that they are unable to separate the pain of their childhood from the present expressions of love from partners. By projecting insecurities onto others, they subconsciously make a situation more stressful. As a result, their outlook on themselves and others is often rather negative.⁶

Can You Change a Disorganized Attachment Style?

It is possible to change your attachment style and heal from past trauma but it will take work, trust in yourself, trust in others, and faith in the process of therapy. Ultimately, attachment styles are all just the coping mechanisms we learned when we were young, but the more you understand your inner wounds, the better you can learn newer healthy ways of coping and forming bonds.

How Can You Help a Partner With Disorganized Attachment?

If you have a partner with disorganized attachment, remember, their struggle to bond or trust stems from earlier trauma. It’s also important not to internalize their actions because doing so will only further validate their fears. Instead, listen to what their fears and insecurities are and join them in challenging these automatic thoughts. In this sense, it may be helpful to work with a couples therapist to work through healing together.

What to Do If You Have a Disorganized Attachment Style

Attachment styles will not shift unless the person is willing to commit time and energy to change. If you have problematic relationships, the best you can do is acknowledge the problem and find hope in changing.

Here are five tips if you’re trying to change your disorganized attachment style:

1. Talk With a Therapist Who Specializes in Attachment

Therapy provides a secure relationship (in the context of healing) where you can work through any past and present trust issues. Working with a therapist over a long period of time gives you the opportunity to build a sense of consistency, helping you adjust old coping mechanisms to better suit the person you are becoming.⁷ Therapy gives you the space to process the experience and the outcomes. Sometimes, it can even help you uncover your own harmful patterns in regard to selecting partners.

2. Journal to Better Understand Your Patterns & Emotions

Journaling in between therapy sessions is another great way to reinforce the healthier ways of coping as an adult. It helps keep you accountable and by doing so, you make a consistent commitment to yourself. This sets the stage for the right type of people to enter and remain in your life.

3. Develop Relationships With People Who Have Secure Attachment

Even though you may not be attracted to them initially, seeking out people with secure attachments could be a wonderful decision. These people can serve as a model for what appropriate relationships look and feel like. It might seem uncomfortable or disconcerting at first, but with time, you will grow to value their honesty and consistency.

4. Focus on Yourself

A lot of the work that you’ll need to commit to can happen outside of relationships. If you address your self-esteem, your moods, and your anxieties independently, you will be in a better position to enter a healthy relationship. Take the time to transform yourself into a person better suited for a connection with another.

5. Build Healthy Friendships

People with insecure attachment styles may overly focus on romantic relationships to improve their happiness, but this pattern could lead to problems. To avoid old habits, devote more time building new friendships and maintaining old ones. These tend to be less triggering and have lower stakes than romantic relationships, so you can practice the needed skills in a safer setting.

Final Thoughts On Disorganized Attachment

As challenging as it may be to grow up and live with a sense of disorganized attachment, it’s important to remember that a world of secure attachment can and does exist for you. It is never too late to help your inner child heal and grow into a healthy adult with meaningful, lasting relationships. You are not alone!