Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means, Signs, & What to Do About It

What Is Emotional Unavailability?

Emotional availability is the ability to form deep connections, openly express a full range of emotions, and respond to a partner’s feelings in a meaningful way. In contrast, emotional unavailability makes it difficult for someone to share their emotions, build intimacy, or commit to relationships.^{1, 2, 3} Those who are emotionally unavailable may struggle with vulnerability, avoid deep conversations, or have a fear of getting too close to others.

While emotional availability is a key part of healthy relationships, emotional unavailability tends to be characteristic of unhealthy or even toxic relationships or patterns.

Emotional Unavailability in Different Contexts

Emotional unavailability is most often discussed in romantic relationships, but it can also appear in friendships, family dynamics, or workplace interactions. Some individuals may describe themselves as “private,” but this can sometimes be a way of avoiding emotional depth or connection.

Degrees of Emotional Unavailability

Emotional unavailability exists on a spectrum. Some people may share their feelings with only a select few, while others may consistently avoid emotional intimacy. Additionally, some individuals recognize their emotional unavailability, while others may not be fully aware of it.

17 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Several signs may indicate that a partner is emotionally unavailable. They generally avoid commitment, veer away from emotional vulnerability or intimacy, and struggle to communicate effectively about their wants and needs. That said, emotionally unavailable people are different from one another, making them hard to spot at times.

Here are 17 signs that your partner might be emotionally unavailable:

1. They Avoid Commitment or Labels

Emotionally unavailable partners often feel anxious or fearful about commitment, whether it’s defining the relationship, making future plans, or fully investing in a partner. They may avoid labeling the relationship, prefer to keep their options open, or hesitate to make even short-term commitments. This reluctance can create uncertainty and emotional distance in the relationship.

2. Conversations Stay Surface Level

Emotionally unavailable people tend to struggle to take conversations to a deeper level and avoid ones that center on the nature of the relationship, preferring to stick to more trivial or lighthearted topics.

3. They Struggle to Discuss Their Feelings

Emotionally unavailable people expect closeness, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability to lead to getting hurt, so they often avoid getting emotional entirely. Your efforts to elicit emotions from them may lead them to pull away or redirect conversations back to you.

4. They Don’t Ask You About Your Feelings

In redirecting the conversation back to you, an emotionally unavailable partner likely won’t ask specific questions about how you’re feeling. They’re more likely to ask vague questions like, “What are you thinking?” to deflect from themselves versus something more specific such as, “I sense something’s up. Are you feeling sad?”

5. They Struggle to Empathize & Respond When You Share Your Feelings

Even though they may redirect the conversation back to you to avoid sharing their own feelings, you can expect that the more feelings you share with an emotionally unavailable partner, the more they will continue to pull away, as truly empathizing requires accessing their own emotional experience or reflecting on how what you said makes them feel.

6. They’re Unclear About What They Want From You/The Relationship

When confronted with a conversation about their feelings toward you or the relationship in general, emotionally unavailable partners may walk on eggshells, send mixed messages (say they want a relationship some days but express hesitation others), stay vague about their intentions, or claim to want a relationship but not match their actions to this statement.

7. They Say They Can’t Trust You

Despite not committing to a relationship with you, the emotionally unavailable partner may still express that they don’t trust you, as being emotionally unavailable often stems from a fear of getting hurt and this is their way of projecting that off of themselves and onto you.

8. They’re Inconsistent

Alongside being inconsistent about what they want from you or the relationship, emotionally unavailable partners tend to be inconsistent in general. They may take hours or days to answer texts, regularly claim to be “busy,” or “ghost” altogether.

9. You Do All the Relationship Work

Your partner may be emotionally unavailable if you find that you’re putting a disproportionate amount of effort into the relationship (for example, you’re the only one getting vulnerable or problem-solving issues in the relationship). Putting in less effort is one of the ways emotionally unavailable people protect their emotions and keep a foot out the door.

10. They Get Defensive

When confronted, an emotionally unavailable partner tends to respond defensively versus expressing their true emotions. They may deflect or redirect blame to you so that they don’t have to confront whatever it is they’re really feeling.

11. They Don’t Have a History of Serious Relationships

While relationship history alone can’t determine whether a partner is emotionally unavailable, not having had a history of any serious, long-term relationships may certainly be a clue as emotionally unavailable people tend to leave relationships before they get serious.

12. They Don’t Introduce You to People in Their Lives

If you haven’t met your partner’s friends or family after a few months of dating, this may be a sign that you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person who’s keeping you at arm’s length to avoid building intimacy and vulnerability.

13. They Tell You They Are Emotionally Unavailable or Aren’t Ready for a Serious Relationship

Some people recognize that they are emotionally unavailable. While it’s not always the case, some will outright share (or warn) that they’re emotionally unavailable. If this happens, take their word for it.

14. They Mistake Independence for Strength

Independence is valuable, but emotionally unavailable people often use it to avoid relying on others or forming deep connections. They struggle to trust or lean on others for support, which can make them feel even more distant and withdrawn.

15. They Don’t Take Accountability for Their Mistakes

Emotionally unavailable people may struggle to apologize when they make mistakes. They might also deflect or shift blame onto others to avoid the vulnerability intimacy associated with taking personal accountability. Or, in some cases, they will quickly apologize, but they don’t make a genuine effort to change because they aren’t overly invested in the relationship.

16. They Use Criticism to Push You Away

Sometimes emotionally unavailable people are critical toward others to keep them at a safe distance. This also maintains their sense of power and control. However, it causes others to often feel like they’re walking on eggshells or sacrificing their own needs to maintain the relationship’s status quo. In all cases, this perpetuates emotional distance.

17. They Care More About Appearances Than Connections

Sometimes emotionally unavailable people focus more on their physical appearance, status, or material goods than emotional bonds. These “achievements” are more tangible, and they can feel safer than engaging in vulnerability or trust with others. Furthermore, it may also speak to themes of caring more about how others perceive them versus how others personally relate to them.

Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable

Emotional unavailability isn’t just something that affects others—you might also recognize some of these patterns in yourself.

Here are some signs you may be emotionally unavailable:

You Keep Your Options Open

Keeping options open or suggesting an open relationship may indicate your own emotional unavailability if you’re engaging in these behaviors to avoid developing emotional bonds or risk being hurt.

Relationships Drain You & Feel Like a Job

Emotionally unavailable people tend to have to work harder than their emotionally available peers to have the emotional conversations required of a healthy relationship. Emotionally unavailable people tend to feel more exhausted or burdened by this work than fulfilled.

You Have Relationship Anxiety

Emotionally unavailable people tend to worry about their partners, the state of their relationship, and possible outcomes of the relationship, which are all forms of relationship anxiety that may be at the root of the emotional unavailability. These may lead to preemptively ending a relationship to avoid being hurt or staying in a relationship yet withdrawing emotionally.

You Back Out of Options to Commit

While you may initially say yes to a date or claim to wish you were in a serious relationship, when the opportunity finally presents itself emotionally unavailable people tend to backtrack, sometimes blaming the change of heart on not wanting to give up their independence or thinking they can “do better.”

You Struggle to Trust

If you’re emotionally unavailable, you might struggle to trust your partner regardless of whether they’ve actually done anything to suggest they can’t be trusted.

You Worry About Losing Your Independence in a Relationship

Some people worry that getting too close to a partner emotionally means losing independence that they value or have worked hard to achieve. Emotional unavailability may look like fearing a loss of independence (e.g.,, changing your lifestyle or considering someone else’s schedule.)

What Causes Emotional Unavailability?

Understanding why someone is emotionally unavailable can help in addressing the issue. Emotional unavailability doesn’t happen randomly—it often stems from past experiences, personal fears, or current life circumstances. Emotional unavailability can be a mix of deliberate behavior and subconscious behavior.

Here are some common causes of emotional unavailability:

Attachment

Often, people who are emotionally unavailable as adults struggled to get their emotional needs met as children. Some did not receive enough validation, emotional modeling, or security from their caregivers, which may have made it challenging to form secure attachment and potentially even develop an attachment disorder in adulthood.¹

When caregivers don’t provide guidance on handling emotions safely, people learn to shut them down to protect themselves.

Trauma

A child’s experience of trauma is highly predictive of their attachment in future relationships.⁴ Experiencing trauma (such as neglect or abuse) at a young age makes it harder to trust others to acknowledge and respect emotions and boundaries.

Fear From Past Relationships

Emotional unavailability may also develop due to experience in past relationships. Often, those who have experienced infidelity or gaslighting are fearful or hypervigilant in future relationships, causing them to protect their emotions so they don’t get hurt again.

Emotional unavailability can develop following the dissolution of a healthy relationship, as well: breakup grief is a powerful experience that may contribute to your not being ready to be vulnerable or intimate with someone else.

Life Circumstances

Sometimes, circumstances such as a new or demanding job, loss in the family, or a medical or mental health diagnosis may make it challenging to be emotionally available. In these cases, emotional unavailability isn’t necessarily due to a lack of trust or fear of intimacy, but the prioritization of other areas of life that require more emotional attention, energy, and effort.

How Emotional Unavailability Affects Relationships

Emotional unavailability can create distance, frustration, and misunderstanding in relationships. One partner may crave deeper connection, feeling rejected or confused by their partner’s emotional detachment. Meanwhile, the emotionally unavailable partner may feel pressured, overwhelmed, or even suffocated, leading them to withdraw further. This cycle can intensify feelings of anxiety, resentment, and loneliness, making it difficult for the relationship to grow or thrive.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable

If you think your partner is emotionally unavailable, there are several things you can do to help them feel safe emotionally and take care of your own emotional needs as well. First, bring your concerns up with them, describing their behaviors factually and reflecting how they make you feel.

Consider asking them if there’s anything they need from you or that you could do to support them in being more emotionally available. Further, it’s important to practice validating your partner (e.g., by saying “I can see how anxious you are to be vulnerable with me”), and don’t forget to self-validate, too, as this is likely something you’re not getting from your partner at this point.

You may need to evaluate (and re-evaluate) whether the relationship truly meets your needs.

How to Overcome Emotional Unavailability

Becoming more emotionally available may feel challenging, but with self-awareness and practice, it’s entirely possible. It requires recognizing and accepting your emotions, understanding their roots, and gradually building deeper emotional connections. Taking small, intentional steps can make the process more manageable.

• Develop emotional awareness: Start by noticing and naming your emotions without judgment. Pay attention to how you feel in different situations and allow yourself to sit with those emotions. If needed, use a feelings chart or journal to better understand your emotional experiences.
• Explore the root causes: Understanding why emotional availability is difficult for you can help you move forward. Reflect on past relationships, attachment patterns, or personal fears that may be influencing your ability to connect. Identifying these patterns allows you to work through them rather than letting them define your relationships.
• Practice opening up gradually: Emotional vulnerability doesn’t have to happen all at once. Start by expressing positive or neutral emotions with trusted people, then work toward sharing more personal thoughts and feelings. If verbalizing emotions feels difficult, writing them down first can be a helpful step.
• Engage in emotionally open conversations: Talking about emotions with people you trust can make emotional expression feel more natural over time. Observing how others communicate their emotions can also provide a helpful framework for practicing openness in your own relationships.
• Take it slow:  If emotional vulnerability feels overwhelming, allow yourself time to adjust. Instead of pulling away completely, set a pace that feels comfortable while reminding yourself that deep connections are built gradually. Small, consistent efforts can lead to meaningful change.

Becoming emotionally available takes effort, but it’s entirely possible. However, for many people, this journey is easier with professional support. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore emotions and develop healthier relationship patterns.

How Couples Therapy Can Help Strengthening Emotional Connection

If you or your partner struggle with emotional vulnerability, intimacy, or the effects of emotional unavailability in your relationship, therapy can be a powerful tool for growth. Couples therapy can help partners work through emotional barriers together, fostering deeper understanding and connection. For those who prefer to explore these patterns individually, individual therapy offers a safe space to identify and address underlying issues.

With the convenience of online couples therapy platforms like Regain and Amwell, couples and individuals can access professional support from the comfort of their own homes. These platforms provide flexible scheduling and a variety of licensed therapists who specialize in relationships and emotional health, making it easier than ever to get the guidance you need.

Explore Your Emotional Patterns With Individual Therapy

If you or your partner aren’t ready for couples therapy, individual therapy can still be a valuable way to explore emotional unavailability and develop healthier relationship patterns. Therapy naturally encourages emotional vulnerability, as working with a trusted professional provides a safe space to process emotions, build self-awareness, and strengthen communication skills.

For convenience and accessibility, consider online therapy platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which connect you with licensed therapists who specialize in relationships and emotional health. You can also explore a trusted therapist directory to find the right fit for your needs.