Estrangement: Definition, Causes, & What You Can Do

What Does Estranged Mean?

Estrangement means experiencing distance or separation from others, such as family members, with notable diminished or complete loss of contact with previously close relationships.^1,2 Estrangement can vary in length, with separations ranging from six months to more than 30 years.²

Estrangement is typically a process rather than a single event.³ A person who desires to separate themselves from another begins distancing themselves physically and emotionally from support and interdependence, usually because of prolonged patterns of problematic interactions.

A schism between family members is complex and often cyclical, with periods of separation and reconciliation.^2,4 This separation can be difficult, causing added confusion, stress, anxiety, and disenfranchised grief.^3,4 A lack of finality and closure can substantially affect someone’s mental health and well-being.⁵

Signs of Estrangement

Family estrangement is not always apparent, quick, or understood by all involved, often progressing over time. Estrangements that happen suddenly often result from accumulated family tensions and difficulties.⁴ Remember, estrangement is not usually a single event but a process that exists on a continuum. People frequently move between separation and reconciliation, making estrangement a fluid process.³

Early signs of estrangement may include:^3,5

• Decreased communication: With this estrangement, individuals speak to each other less often, and conversations become less personal and meaningful.
• Increased physical distance: Lack of physical closeness often occurs in estrangement situations, even for those who continue to live nearby.
• Reduced emotional closeness: Estranged individuals may feel less emotionally connected to the person, experiencing less empathy and caring feelings toward them.
• Increased negative emotions: Anger and bitterness often accompany estranged relationships.
• Declined relationship effort: This estrangement might look like choosing not to remain connected with someone by ignoring calls or not inviting them to family functions. Putting significantly less effort into maintaining the relationship is often part of estrangement.
• Ignoring role expectations: Releasing role expectations can mean stepping out of the compliant child role by refusing to care for the needs of parents or other family members. Ignoring these established role expectations and disrupting the homeostasis is common in estrangement.
• Delegitimizing: Delegitimizing means decreasing the power one has over you, like a toxic parent or authority figure.

What Causes Family Estrangement?

What causes a person to become estranged from family varies depending on their unique situation. Estrangement usually doesn’t happen overnight, and traumatic events often contribute to the decision to separate oneself from unhealthy relationships. Abuse, neglect, and loss are additional stressors, and recovering damaged relationships after these events can seem impossible.

Below are possible family estrangement causes and triggers:

• Abuse: Childhood physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can certainly lead adult children to discontinue contact with an abusive parent. Adults in toxic relationships also might become estranged from their abusive significant other through separation or divorce.
• Parental neglect: Grown children often estrange themselves from neglectful parents in adulthood. They may also push away from parents who refuse to acknowledge their successes or offer the emotional support and love they need.
• Different values: Holding significantly differing values on issues, such as spiritual values, lifestyle choices, or moral ideals, can lead to estrangement.
• Different expectations about roles: People with vastly different expectations about their roles in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, may distance themselves from one another.²
• Death of a member: The lack of flexibility and resilience within a family to handle stressful events, like the death of a family member, can often lead to a cut-off within the remaining family relationships.
• Illness: Significant mental and physical health issues can put pressure and stress on family systems, sometimes leading to strained relationships and estrangement.
• Divorce: Divorce can often be a catalyst for estrangement. Children may form uneven alliances with each parent, seeing one parent as the “winner” and the other as the “loser” in the shifting family system.
• Untreated mental health conditions: Estrangement can result from untreated mental illness as conflict within the family increases, exacerbating pre-existing dysfunctional dynamics.
• Harsh parenting styles: Children may become estranged from their parents after experiencing extreme disciplinary tactics or parental favoritism.
• Drug or alcohol misuse: Substance misuse can distance family members. People who misuse substances often reject concerned family members in favor of drugs or alcohol.
• Parental alienation: Estrangement can result when one parent tries to alienate a child from the other parent. This manipulative behavior can be a form of child abuse, particularly when the alienated parent is a loving, safe caregiver.
• Enmeshment: The absence of healthy boundaries in family relationships can lead to resentment and unhappiness, which might ultimately cause estrangement.
• Incarceration: Incarceration can stir up resentment and pain in other members of the family. Loved ones may distance themselves emotionally from the individual, eventually cutting ties completely.

Impacts of Estrangement

Estrangement impacts mental health by disrupting crucial support, security, and stability between family members.⁴ Estrangement of a parent and child, even an adult child, involves losing the original attachment system, resulting in rejection, chronic stress, and uncertainty.⁴

These feelings can decrease self-esteem, make coping difficult, decrease resilience, contribute to anxiety and depression, and damage physical health. The breakage of this secure, once-predictable family bond brings numerous challenges to overall well-being.

The psychological effects of estrangement may include:^2,3,4,5,6

• A sense of grief and loss
• Anxiety
• Separation anxiety
• Pervasive sadness
• Loneliness
• Depression
• Ambiguous loss
• Feelings of being left out or even vilified by other family members
• Negative emotions and mood
• A decreased ability to self-regulate
• Ongoing trust issues in other relationships
• Ruminating about problems in all relationships

How Common Is Family Estrangement?

Estrangement is surprisingly common and can occur in any family.^3,5,6 Research suggests that estrangement affects approximately 12% of adults and their grown children. In one survey of young adults, about 17% indicated estrangement from at least one parent, usually their father. Sibling estrangement is less common but does occur.

Gender Differences & Estrangement

Anyone can experience parental estrangement, but research shows a notable gender difference in estranged individuals. One study showed children more frequently become estranged from their mothers than from fathers or both parents.²

Another study found daughters are 22% more likely than sons to become estranged from their fathers but slightly less likely than sons to be cut off from their mothers.⁷ The study also found gay, lesbian, and bisexual respondents were more likely to be estranged from their fathers than heterosexual participants.

Generation Differences & Estrangement

Adult children are more likely to break ties with their parents than vice versa. Interestingly, estrangement can become a generational pattern in families, reoccurring and multiplying as a primary way of coping with relational stress. In some cases, estrangement can be protective, particularly for those experiencing abuse or neglect. However, without the sense of belonging a functional family system provides, adult children can find themselves feeling lost and enduring pain that lingers for years.

How Long Does Estrangement Last?

Estrangement varies in length. Some families report brief separations, while others experience permanent rifts. One survey found that 43% of participants reported separation from their nuclear families, with most estrangements lasting fewer than four years.

Additional studies revealed an average length of nine years for parent-child estrangement. Estrangement from fathers often lasts longer (more than seven years) than maternal estrangement (more than five years).

Is Reconciliation From Estrangement Possible?

As with length of estrangement, reconciliation rates are difficult to accurately measure because many individual differences and unique circumstances affect separation and reconciliation.

However, almost 80% of estranged family members believe reconciliation is impossible. One survey reported that approximately 71% of children who cut ties with parents reconciled, while 30% of estranged parents and children remain distanced. Other findings indicated that 46% of estranged families reunited.⁵

How to Recover From Estrangement

Separation can be heartbreaking and distressing, whether estranged from your entire family, friends, or one person. Coping with or recovering from these rifts takes dedication, effort, and intention. Focus on your communication styles, remaining open and receptive to opposing opinions or values. However, do not push aside your needs for the sake of others. Relationships are a two-way street, and you should never sacrifice your own mental and emotional well-being to keep the peace.

Below are seven tips for healing estrangement from family members:

1. Work on Improving Communication

Improving communication is a crucial step toward healing an estranged relationship. Start small with brief, lighthearted interactions to reestablish a connection. For example, share happy memories with the individual(s). Listen to their point of view while honestly expressing your own perspective and feelings. Doing so can help you work through the challenges in your relationship.

2. Express Your Feelings & Needs

Avoid “you” statements that might lead your family member to become defensive. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings and needs. Owning your emotions is a non-threatening approach to letting them know how their behavior affects you and what they can do differently to foster a healthier relationship.

3. Limit Drama & Stick to the Facts

Sitting down and processing your feelings together is one thing. Avoiding unnecessary drama is an entirely different intention. Re-hashing past issues will only stir up contention in the relationship, further impeding your ability to heal and move forward. Stick to the facts and use respectful communication to work things out productively.

4. Focus on Your Well-Being

Focus on your well-being when healing your relationship with estranged parents or children. Stirring up painful memories and emotions can be draining, and doing the hard work of moving forward together is no easy task. Practice self-care, nourishing your body with healthy food, water, exercise, and sleep. Take time to do something you enjoy so you can show up in your healed relationship as the best version of yourself.

5. Attend Therapy Together

Licensed therapists can support families dealing with estrangement from parents, and attending therapy together can aid in navigating your newly healed relationship. A therapist can help mediate productive, healing conversations about painful memories from the past. They can also coach you and your family members in respectful communication skills and healthy boundary-setting.

6. Seek Therapy for Yourself

Seeking therapy for yourself can be an essential step in accepting family estrangement, particularly when healing these relationships is difficult. Working with a therapist to process your feelings and memories can provide valuable support and emotional release. Therapy is also a safe space to process grief when reconnecting with estranged family members is no longer an option.

7. Know When to Cut Ties

Adult children may cut off their parents for many reasons, and many may struggle with knowing when to cut ties. However, parting ways may be unavoidable in situations of abuse or neglect, violated boundaries, or stubbornness.

Final Thoughts

Family estrangement can be difficult and negatively affect your mental health and well-being. However, separation doesn’t have to be permanent, and there are ways to reconcile if you so desire. Working with a therapist can be highly valuable in either helping you reconcile or cope positively with long-term estrangement.