Disenfranchised Grief: How to Cope & When to Get Help

Disenfranchised Grief Definition

Disenfranchised grief is one of the many types of grief that isn’t or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.¹ The term was first coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, an expert on grief and loss, in the 1980’s. It’s distinct from other types of grief in that the loss itself, as well as the subsequent grief, goes unacknowledged or unsupported by those who didn’t experience the loss.

Reactions to loss and the grieving process are powerfully influenced by the social context in which they occur. In disenfranchised grief, the griever’s “right to grieve” and access to social acknowledgement and support is denied.²

Those who go through disenfranchised grief may experience prolonged grief disorder or a more intense grieving process.³ Someone might have delayed grief because they think they “shouldn’t feel sad,” only to have the grief resurface later. They may also develop additional complications like depression.

Normal Grief Vs. Complicated Grief Vs. Disenfranchised Grief

People grieve for many different reasons. They experience grief in their own unique ways and create their own paths in terms of coping with grief. Consequently grief is experienced in several different ways.

Here are descriptions of three different types of grieving:

• Normal Grief: After a significant loss people experience a period of bereavement that may include sadness, shock, numbness, anger, or even guilt. Eventually these feelings begin to subside and the loss is acknowledged and eventually accepted. With normal grief people are able to move forward with their lives. They are able to create a “new normal.”
• Complicated Grief: Complicated grief is also sometimes referred to as persistent complex bereavement disorder. With this type of grief, unlike normal grief, symptoms remain for a longer period of time and grow worse. The pain associated with bereavement makes it increasingly difficult to function and symptoms become debilitating. Healing is not possible with these dynamics in place and is not possible to envision a “new normal” and people remain stuck and unable to recover from the loss. With complicated grief, mental health professionals may be needed to facilitate recovery.
• Disenfranchised Grief: In some respects disenfranchised grief is uniquely challenging. It feels more lonely for those grieving. These types of losses are not given the same importance of validity by societal or cultural standards. Those in mourning may not receive the empathy or support they need, making it harder to ask for help. People experiencing disenfranchised grief may tend to withdraw and be more isolated as they struggle to cope.

Common Disenfranchised Grief Examples

Examples of disenfranchised grief cover a wide spectrum of losses. They do not always include a death which people most closely associate with grief.

Here are 13 examples of situations that could trigger disenfranchised grief:

1. Death of a pet
2. Loss of a home
3. Loss of a job
4. Loss of a loved one as a result of suicide
5. Loss of physical health and independence due to a medical condition like a stroke
6. Loss of mental health such as developing Alzheimer’s Disease
7. Loss of significant other due to a violent act like murder
8. Failure of an adoption going through
9. Ongoing struggles with infertility
10. Loss of a close friendship
11. The loss of a partner relationship for someone who is LGBTQ+ and has not come out to others
12. Severing a relationship with a business partner
13. Being a victim of abuse or domestic violence

Types of Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when the loss and subsequent grieving process aren’t recognized or supported by others. Examples include stigmatized loss, “insignificant” loss, loss of unrecognized relationships, non-death losses, and loss experienced by disenfranchised persons.

A loss may fit into more than one category, or may not feel like it fits into any of them. These broad categories and examples of loss are not exhaustive of the types of losses a person may experience that lead to disenfranchised grief.

Here are five broad categories of loss that often result in disenfranchised grief:¹

1. Stigmatized Loss

Stigmatized losses often result in disenfranchised grief because the loss is not openly acknowledged and the grief is not publicly supported. Examples of stigmatized loss include death by suicide, miscarriage or stillbirth, and death related to addiction or drug overdose.

2. “Insignificant” Loss

Many people experience disenfranchised grief following a loss that is deemed by others to be “insignificant,” such as grieving a celebrity death. There are also losses that may be deemed “insignificant” in comparison to other people’s losses. For example, a person grieving the loss of a friend may not be given the same acknowledgement and support as the deceased person’s spouse or immediate family.

These types of losses include non-death loss as well, such as the loss of a meaningful object like a childhood blanket or family heirloom. While the person experiencing any of these losses may feel profound grief, that grief may not be socially supported or there may not be outlets to publicly mourn the loss.

3. Loss of Unrecognized Relationships

When a relationship ends either because of death or other circumstances (i.e., a break-up or a move), the resulting grief may be disenfranchised if the relationship was not recognized, supported, or given the same weight as other relationships prior to the loss. This might also be an ambiguous loss.

This then inhibits a person’s ability to openly acknowledge their loss and seek the same social support as compared to if the relationship had been recognized. Examples include the loss of a partner from an extramarital affair and loss of a same-sex partner if the couple was not out to friends and/or family.

4. Non-Death Losses

The grief following a non-death loss is often disenfranchised as there’s a lack of acknowledgement of non-death losses as loss, and few outlets for social support or mourning. Examples include loss of health, loss of a job, infertility, and moving. Non-death losses also include the end of relationships, including divorce, break-ups with romantic partners, break-ups with friends, and estrangement from family members.

5. Loss Experienced by Disenfranchised Persons

Disenfranchised grief can occur when the person grieving isn’t considered by others to be capable of grief. Children, those with developmental disabilities, and those with neurocognitive disabilities often experience disenfranchised grief. While the loss may be acknowledged, the grief the person is experiencing may not be supported or they may not be allowed to participate in public mourning rituals such as memorial services.

Those whose grief reactions don’t fit with the social norms may also experience disenfranchised grief through the lack of social support. Examples include those who grieve for a long period of time, display intense grief reactions such as crying or screaming, and those who show no outward signs of grief at all.

Disenfranchised Grief Symptoms

Every person grieves in their own unique way and in their own timeframe. Many people experience grief on multiple levels, including emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.⁵ Grief may come and go, and may bring up conflicting feelings.⁴

Symptoms of disenfranchised grief may include:^2,5,6,7

• Intense feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness
• Feelings of anger, fear, and guilt
• Feeling numb or nothing at all
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering things and making decisions (sometimes called grief brain)
• Changes to your sleep patterns
• Changes to your appetite
• Unexplained physical pain and muscle tension
• A sense of shock or disbelief
• Difficulty connecting with others and maintaining relationships
• A sense of isolation
• Feeling a lack of closure
• Feeling stigmatized, either by others or yourself
• Feeling guilt or shame for your grief or the circumstances of your loss

Impacts of Disenfranchised Grief

When grief is minimized it makes it very difficult to process it and begin healing. People feel alone or judged in the sense that nobody understands what they are going through. It may even cause feelings of shame, low self esteem, or confusion. Your loss is not acknowledged in a way that makes you feel validated and supported. Your feelings must be dealt with because they do not just disappear, and you have the right to mourn a significant loss.

People who experience unacknowledged disenfranchised grief are at higher risk for depression and anxiety because they may try to suppress their grief. They may also be at risk for substance abuse, or deal with physical grief symptoms like sleep disturbance, headaches, or muscle tension. People dealing with disenfranchised grief may need to more actively seek out mental health support to help them understand and cope with their grief when family and friends are not supportive.

11 Ways to Cope With Disenfranchised Grief

What you need as you grieve is unique to you, and may change over time. Give yourself permission to try different things and be creative in how you care for yourself in your grief. Always remember to check in with yourself about what is and isn’t working, and know that there is no right or wrong way to navigate through grief.

Here are eleven ways to cope with disenfranchised grief:

1. Acknowledge the Loss For Yourself

Even if no one else can or will acknowledge your loss, acknowledge it for yourself. Articulating what you’ve lost can help you contextualize your grief response and make it easier to validate your feelings. For non-death losses, it may be particularly helpful to identify your loss. Try writing down or saying out loud, “I have lost ____.” Notice how it feels to do so.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel all Your Feelings

Grief is rarely linear. Disenfranchised grief may bring up particularly intense emotions about not just your loss but the response of others to your experience. You may feel completely numb, sad, hopeless, hopeful, angry, alone, relieved, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, and many other emotions.

Not all your feelings will make sense. They may even conflict with each other.⁴ Know that every single feeling you have is valid. Give yourself permission to feel them, and look for ways to safely express them. You may cry, scream, talk to a friend, journal, go for a run, take up kickboxing, or listen to music. Allow yourself to be creative and flexible in expressing your feelings.

3. Write In Grief Journal

Journaling provides a safe space for you to process your thoughts and feelings. It can help you tap into what you’re really feeling and provide an outlet for expression. Research shows that it can help mitigate both psychological and physical effects of grief, including physical illness and depressive symptoms.¹³

To journal, find a place where you can sit comfortably. You might like to set a timer for 15 minutes, or simply write until you feel like you’re done. Write down whatever comes to your mind. Try not to judge it; there is no right or wrong way to journal. If it’s difficult to get started, you might want to look up prompts.

A few examples of grief journal prompts include:

• What is most on my mind today?
• How is my life different in the wake of my loss?
• What brings me joy?
• What I really wish I could say is…
• Today I feel…

4. Take Care of Your Body

Grief can physically impact your body, from affecting your sleeping and eating habits to causing pain and muscle tension.⁸ Do what you can to care for yourself by staying hydrated, eating nourishing foods, sleeping, and gently moving your body. Just as mental and emotional hurt can affect your body, the reverse is true too: taking care of your physical self also benefits you mentally and emotionally.

5. Reach Out to Your Support Network

As you can, reach out to trusted friends and family for support. Identify who in your network can offer the different types of support you may need. While some might not understand what you’re going through, they may still be able to offer care through actions, such as bringing you a meal.

Asking for help can be hard, especially when you aren’t sure others will understand. But friends and family members often want to be there for you even if they can’t understand what you’re going through.

6. Read, Listen, or Watch Material About Your Kind of Loss

Engaging with material about the specific type of loss you’re experiencing can help decrease the sense of isolation that is common in disenfranchised grief. It can also provide helpful information specific to your experience and help normalize and validate your grief reaction.

In addition to books about grief, try looking for websites or blogs, documentaries, podcasts, and videos. Remember that you can stop engaging with material if it doesn’t feel helpful to you, and that it’s normal to go through ebbs and flows of wanting to gather information and hear about others’ experiences.

7. Attend Group Therapy & Support Groups

Group therapy and support groups are two ways you can connect with others who are grieving or experiencing a similar type of loss. Group therapy is typically led by one or two therapists, and may follow a specific protocol while support groups may or may not have a leader or specific agenda.

8. Attend Online Therapy

In addition to in person groups, there are now a number of online therapy groups that allow you to connect with others who are grieving similar types of losses. Online support groups can be a valuable resource, particularly if you live in an area with little access to in person support.⁹

9. Create a Ritual

Grief rituals play a special role in the grieving process and can help ease the intensity of loss. In disenfranchised grief, rituals may not exist for or be observed by others in response to your loss. This can intensify your feelings of loss and the sense of isolation in your grief.

While public rituals such as funerals are often impactful for the bereaved, private rituals can also be very powerful.¹⁵

Try creating your own ritual to honor your loss and acknowledge its impact on you.

Examples of grief rituals include:

• Visit a meaningful place associated with your loss
• Light candles in honor of your loss
• Hold a memorial service with or without others in attendance
• Write a letter about your loss and bury it
• Create a piece of art that represents your loss
• Carry a small item that reminds you of your loss and helps you feel connected

Your ritual can be as small or as big as you like, and may be something you do only once or do every day. You may want to include trusted friends or family members or you want to be alone. Give yourself permission to be creative and do what feels right.

10. Work With a Couples Therapist

Some of the losses that often lead to disenfranchised grief can have a direct impact on romantic partnerships. Infertility, perinatal loss, changes to health, and job loss are just a few examples of the types of losses that may lead to disenfranchised grief and affect your relationship.

Marriage and couples counseling can help you and your partner learn how to address any concerns you have about your relationship. It can also provide a safe container for processing your grief together, allowing you to deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your ability to support one another.

11. Talk to a Therapist

Grief can exacerbate underlying mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and trauma.¹⁰

Those that experience disenfranchised grief in particular may experience a particularly intense or prolonged grieving process with a higher likelihood of depressive and physical symptoms. A trained therapist can help you assess and treat any mental health concerns that may develop.

When to Get Professional Help for Disenfranchised Grief

The stress resulting from loss and the experience of disenfranchised grief may trigger or intensify mental health conditions such as anxiety disorders, depression, and psychological traumatic-stress disorders.¹⁰ If you’re concerned about your mental health or overwhelmed by your grief, reach out to a mental health professional. They can assess your concerns, provide resources, and determine whether mental health treatment is necessary.^8,9

When Grief Becomes Depression

While grief and depression may look similar, they are not the same thing. Experiencing grief does not automatically mean that you are depressed or will develop a depressive disorder. However, the experience of grief can trigger or exacerbate depression.

When dealing with grief, reach out to a mental health professional if you consistently experience:¹¹

• A depressed mood including feeling empty, hopeless, worthless, or sad
• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Major changes to appetite or weight
• Major changes to your sleep patterns
• Persistent feelings of fatigue (grief exhaustion) or lack of energy
• Feeling excessive guilt
• Major changes to your ability to concentrate or make decisions
• Persistent thoughts about suicide

How to Find a Therapist for Disenfranchised Grief

When reaching out for help with disenfranchised grief, look for therapists who have specialized or advanced training in grief counseling or grief therapy. Grief and mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and trauma disorders can appear similar, it’s important to see someone who can tell the difference.

A therapist with additional training in grief work is best equipped to assess your concerns and provide any necessary treatment. Therapists who specialize in working with grief can also assess, diagnose, and treat other mental health conditions, or provide appropriate referrals to other providers.

To find the right therapist who works with clients experiencing grief, search an online therapist directory for “grief counselor” or “grief therapist” in your state.

Cost & Duration of Grief Counseling

The duration of grief counseling is similar to the duration of counseling for other concerns in that it depends on you. You may find just a few sessions is sufficient, or you may wish to continue working with a therapist for an extended period of time.

The cost for grief counseling depends on where you live and the experience and expertise of the therapist. The national average for a therapy session is $130, with most therapists charging between $100 and $200 per session.¹²

Affordable therapy options are often available through the use of insurance, EAPs, sliding scale fees, and community mental health centers. If you need support, know that you are not alone and that there are people who can help you as you navigate your grieving process and life after loss.

How to Support a Loved One Through a Time of Disenfranchised Grief

To support a loved one experiencing disenfranchised grief, start by acknowledging their loss. It helps to be specific, because using euphemisms can add to the sense of disenfranchisement.⁵ To a loved one who has had a miscarriage, you might say “I am sorry you had a miscarriage” or “I am sorry for the death of your child” instead of “I am sorry for your loss.”⁹

After acknowledging your loved one’s loss, the best way to support them is by validating their experience. Validating someone’s experience requires active listening, listening without judgment, and showing compassion for what they’re experiencing. While you may not be able to understand what they’re going through, compassionate listening and support can help them to feel seen and heard.

Remember that each person experiences grief in their own unique way. Check in with your loved one and ask if there are specific things that would be most helpful and supportive to them.

Final Thoughts on Disenfranchised Grief

Dealing with any type of grief can be difficult, but disenfranchised grief can be even more painful to recover from. If you’re feeling alone or stuck in your grief, reach out to a trusted loved one or talk to a therapist about healthy ways to move forward.