Disenfranchised grief, sometimes called hidden grief, occurs when a loss is not publicly acknowledged or validated through traditional norms and rituals. Those experiencing disenfranchised grief feel isolated, stigmatized, and ashamed. While it can feel overwhelming, there are ways to support yourself through your grief including creating a mourning ritual, connecting with others who understand, and talking with a therapist.
What Is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief is “the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.”1 The term was first coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, an expert on grief and loss, in the 1980’s. It is distinct from other types of grief in that the loss itself, as well as the subsequent grief, goes unacknowledged or unsupported by those that did not experience the loss.
Reactions to loss and the grieving process are powerfully influenced by the social context in which they occur. As one of the few universal human experiences, societies have developed norms, rules, and rituals around grief.
While many of the norms and rules limit the scope of support and understanding offered to grievers, they do provide a framework for individuals to have their grief recognized and at least somewhat supported. In disenfranchised grief, the griever’s “right to grieve” and access to social acknowledgement and support is denied.2
Those that experience disenfranchised grief may experience a prolonged or more intense grieving process.3 They may also develop additional complications such as depression. This is related to the lack of acknowledgement and support that defines disenfranchised grief.
Examples of Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief occurs when the loss and subsequent grieving process aren’t recognized or supported by others.
Five broad categories of loss that often result in disenfranchised grief include:1
1. Stigmatized Loss
Stigmatized losses often result in disenfranchised grief because the loss is not openly acknowledged and the grief is not publicly supported. Examples of stigmatized loss include death by suicide, miscarriage or stillbirth, and death related to addiction or drug overdose.
2. “Insignificant” Loss
Many people experience disenfranchised grief following a loss that is deemed by others to be “insignificant” such as the death of a pet. There are also losses that may be deemed “insignificant” in comparison to other people’s losses. For example, a person grieving the loss of a friend may not be given the same acknowledgement and support as the deceased person’s spouse or immediate family.
These types of losses include non-death loss as well, such as the loss of a meaningful object like a childhood blanket or family heirloom. While the person experiencing any of these losses may feel profound grief, that grief may not be socially supported or there may not be outlets to publicly mourn the loss.
3. Loss of Unrecognized Relationships
When a relationship ends either because of death or other circumstances (i.e. a break-up, a move), the resulting grief may be disenfranchised if the relationship was not recognized, supported, or given the same weight as other relationships prior to the loss. This might also be an ambiguous loss.
This then inhibits a person’s ability to openly acknowledge their loss and seek the same social support as compared to if the relationship had been recognized. Examples include the loss of a partner from an extramarital affair and loss of a same-sex partner if the couple was not out to friends and/or family.
4. Non-Death Losses
The grief following a non-death loss is often disenfranchised as there is a lack of acknowledgement of non-death losses as loss, and few outlets for social support or mourning. Examples include loss of health, loss of a job, infertility, and moving. Non-death losses also include the end of relationships, including divorce, break-ups with romantic partners, break-ups with friends, and estrangement from family members.
5. Loss Experienced by Disenfranchised Persons
Disenfranchised grief can occur when the person grieving isn’t considered by others to be capable of grief. Children, those with developmental disabilities, and those with neurocognitive disabilities often experience disenfranchised grief. While the loss may be acknowledged, the grief the person is experiencing may not be supported or they may not be allowed to participate in public mourning rituals such as a memorial service.
Those whose grief reactions don’t fit with the social norms may also experience disenfranchised grief through the lack of social support. Examples include those who grieve for a long period of time, display intense grief reactions such as crying or screaming, and those who show no outward signs of grief at all.
A loss may fit into more than one category, or may not feel like it fits into any of them. These broad categories and examples of loss are not exhaustive of the types of losses a person may experience that lead to disenfranchised grief.
What Are Symptoms of Disenfranchised Grief?
Every person grieves in their own unique way and in their own timeframe. Many people experience grief on multiple levels, including emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.5 Grief may come and go, and may bring up conflicting feelings.4
Disenfranchised grief often shares many of the same symptoms as grief, including:
- Intense feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness
- Feelings of anger, fear, and guilt
- Feeling numb or nothing at all
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering things and making decisions
- Changes to your sleep patterns
- Changes to your appetite
- Unexplained physical pain and muscle tension
- A sense of shock or disbelief
Disenfranchised grief may cause other symptoms to occur, including:2,5,6,7
- An intensified version of the symptoms listed above
- Difficulty connecting with others and maintaining relationships
- A sense of isolation
- Feeling a lack of closure
- Feeling stigmatized, either by others or yourself
- Feeling guilt or shame for your grief or the circumstances of your loss
When to Get Professional Help for Disenfranchised Grief
Dealing with disenfranchised grief can feel overwhelming, frightening, and isolating. Living in a society that is ill-equipped to support people experiencing grief can heighten the intensity of your grief and make it feel challenging to find help.8 The lack of validation can increase the intensity and duration of grief.9
The stress resulting from loss and the experience of disenfranchised grief may trigger or intensify mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and trauma disorders.10 If you are concerned about your mental health or overwhelmed by your grief, reach out to a mental health professional. They can help you assess your concerns and determine whether mental health treatment is necessary. They can also provide resources to help you as you grieve.
When Grief Becomes Depression
While grief and depression may look similar, they are not the same thing. Experiencing grief does not automatically mean that you are depressed or will develop a depressive disorder. However, the experience of grief can trigger or exacerbate depression.
When dealing with grief, reach out to a mental health professional if you consistently experience:11
- A depressed mood including feeling empty, hopeless, worthless, or sad
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
- Major changes to appetite or weight
- Major changes to your sleep patterns
- Persistent feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
- Feeling excessive guilt
- Major changes to your ability to concentrate or make decisions
- Persistent thoughts about suicide
Who Should I Consult for Help?
When reaching out for help with disenfranchised grief, look for therapists who have specialized in or have advanced training in grief counseling. Grief and mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and trauma disorders can appear similar, it’s important to see someone who can tell the difference.
A therapist with additional training in grief work is best equipped to assess your concerns and provide any necessary treatment. Therapists who specialize in working with grief can also assess, diagnose, and treat other mental health conditions, or provide appropriate referrals to other providers.
How to Find a Therapist
To find a therapist who works with clients experiencing grief, search an online directory for “grief counselor” or “grief therapist” in your state. The duration of grief counseling is similar to the duration of counseling for other concerns in that it depends on you. You may find just a few sessions is sufficient, or you may wish to continue working with a therapist for an extended period of time.
The cost for grief counseling depends on where you live and the experience and expertise of the therapist.
The national average for a therapy session is $130, with most therapists charging between $100 and $200 per session.12 Lower cost options are often available through the use of insurance, EAPs, sliding scale fees, and community mental health centers. If you need support, know that you are not alone and that there are people who can help you as you navigate your grieving process and life after loss.
10 Ways to Cope With Disenfranchised Grief
While disenfranchised grief can be a painful and overwhelming experience, there are ways to help yourself through it. What you need as you grieve is unique to you, and may change over time. Give yourself permission to try different things and be creative in how you care for yourself in your grief.
Below is a list of 10 ways that may help support you and ease your suffering. Always remember to check in with yourself about what is and isn’t working, knowing that there is no right or wrong way to navigate through grief.
1. Acknowledge the Loss for Yourself
Even if no one else can or will acknowledge your loss, acknowledge it for yourself. Articulating what you have lost can help you contextualize your grief response and make it easier to validate your feelings. For non-death losses it may be particularly helpful to identify your loss. Try saying out loud “I have lost ____” or write it down. Notice how it feels to do so.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel all of Your Feelings
Grief is rarely a linear or neat process. Disenfranchised grief may bring up particularly intense emotions about not just your loss but the response of others to your experience. You may feel completely numb, sad, hopeless, hopeful, angry, alone, relieved, overwhelmed, anxious, curious, and many other emotions.
Not all of your feelings might make sense and they may even conflict with each other.4 Know that every single feeling you have is valid. Give yourself permission to feel them, and look for ways to safely express them. You may cry, scream, talk to a friend, journal, go for a run, take up kickboxing, or listen to music. Allow yourself to be creative and flexible in expressing your feelings, and give yourself permission to feel them all.
3. Journal
Journaling provides a safe space for you to process through your thoughts and feelings. It can help you tap into what you’re really feeling and provide an outlet for expressing yourself. And research shows that it can help mitigate both physical and psychological issues that often arise in the wake of grief, including physical illness, depressive symptoms, and trauma disorder symptoms.13
To journal, find a place where you can sit comfortably. You might like to set a timer for 15 minutes, or simply write until you feel like you’re done. Write down whatever comes to your mind. Try not to judge it- there is no right or wrong way to journal and whatever you write is exactly right. If it’s difficult to get started, you might want to look up prompts.
A few example journaling prompts include:
- What is most on my mind today?
- How is my life different in the wake of my loss?
- What brings me joy?
- What I really wish I could say is…
- Today I feel…
4. Take Care of Your Body
Grief can physically affect your body, from affecting your sleeping and eating habits to causing pain and muscle tension.8 Do what you can to care for yourself by staying hydrated, eating nourishing foods, sleeping, and gently moving your body. Just as mental and emotional hurt can affect your body, the reverse is true too- taking care of your physical self also benefits you mentally and emotionally.
5. Reach Out to Your Support Network
As you can, reach out to trusted friends and family for support. Identify who in your support network can offer the different types of support you may need. While some might not understand what you’re going through, they may still be able to offer care through actions such as bringing you a meal or spending time together doing something you both enjoy. Others may be able to offer emotional support through listening or just being with you.
Asking for help can be hard, especially when you aren’t sure others will understand. But friends and family members often want to be there for you even if they can’t understand what you’re going through.
6. Read, Listen, or Watch Material About Your Kind of Loss
Engaging with material that touches on a loss similar to what you experienced can help decrease the sense of isolation that is common in disenfranchised grief. It can also provide helpful information specific to your experience and help normalize and validate your grief reaction.
In addition to books, try looking for websites or blogs, documentaries, podcasts, and videos. Remember that you can stop engaging with material if it doesn’t feel helpful to you, and that it’s normal to go through ebbs and flows of wanting to gather information and hear about others’ experiences.
7. Connect With Others
Connecting with others can help you to feel seen and understood. It may also be materially helpful in the information participants share with each other such as recommendations for understanding health professionals and ways to talk to loved ones about your loss.
Group therapy and support groups are two ways you can connect with others who are grieving or experiencing a similar type of loss. Group therapy is typically led by 1 or 2 therapists, and may follow a specific protocol while support groups may or may not have a leader or specific agenda. To find out what’s available in your area, try searching “group therapy for [the type of loss]” or “support for [the type of loss” + your location.
In addition to in person groups, there are now a number of online groups that allow you to connect with others who are grieving similar types of losses. Online support groups can be a valuable resource,9 particularly if you live in an area with little access to in person support. Try searching “online support group for [the type of loss] to see what’s available. You can also look through this page which provides a list of 115 different websites with information and support groups for specific types of loss.
8. Create a Ritual
Rituals play a special role in the grieving process and can help ease the intensity of grief. In disenfranchised grief, rituals may not exist for or may not be observed by others in response to your loss. This can intensify your feelings of loss and the sense of isolation in your grief.
While public rituals such as funerals are often impactful for the bereaved, private rituals can also be very powerful.15 Try creating your own ritual to honor your loss and acknowledge its impact on you.
Examples of rituals include:
- Visiting a meaningful place associated with your loss
- Lighting candles in honor of your loss
- Holding a memorial service, with or without others in attendance
- Writing a letter about your loss and bury it
- Creating a piece of art that represents your loss
- Carrying a small item that reminds you of your loss and helps you feel connected
Your ritual can be as small or as big as you like, and may be something you do only once or do every day. You may want to include trusted friends or family members or you want to be alone. There’s no right or wrong way to honor your loss through ritual, so give yourself permission to be creative and do what feels right for you.
9. Work With a Couples Therapist
Some of the losses that often lead to disenfranchised grief can have a direct impact on romantic partnerships. Infertility, perinatal loss, changes to health, and job loss are just a few examples of the types of losses that may lead to disenfranchised grief and affect your relationship.
Reaching out to a couples therapist can help you and your partner learn how to address any concerns you have about your relationship. It can also provide a safe container for processing your grief together, allowing you to deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your ability to support one another.
10. Talk to a Therapist
Grief can be an overwhelming experience that impacts every aspect of your life. It can also exacerbate underlying mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and trauma.10 Those that experience disenfranchised grief in particular may experience a particularly intense or prolonged grieving process, with a higher likelihood of also experiencing depressive and physical symptoms. A therapist trained to work with grief can help you as you grieve and assess and treat any mental health concerns that may develop.
How to Support a Loved One Through a Time of Disenfranchised Grief
Supporting a loved one experiencing disenfranchised grief may feel difficult because the traditional norms around grief aren’t usually applied. Where you may typically pay your respects and offer support at formalized rituals like a funeral, the same rituals and norms may not be observed following losses that result in disenfranchised grief. However, supporting a loved one in their time of grief is a key part of helping them grieve.9
To support a loved one experiencing disenfranchised grief, start by acknowledging their loss. It helps to be specific in your acknowledgement, as using euphemisms can add to the sense of disenfranchisement.5 To a loved one who has had a miscarraige, you might say “I am so sorry you had a miscarriage” or “I am so sorry for the death of your child” instead of “I am so sorry for your loss.”
After acknowledging your loved one’s loss, the best way to support them is by validating their experience. Validating someone’s experience includes using active listening, listening without judgement, and showing compassion for what they’re experiencing. While you may not be able to understand what they’re going through, compassionate listening and support can help them to feel seen and heard in their grief.
Remember that each person experiences grief in their own unique way. Check in with your loved one and ask if there are specific things that would be most helpful and supportive to them.
Additional Resources
- 24 Mental Health Gift Ideas
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
