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  • Mental Health Issues
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    • Best Online Couples Counseling Services
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    • Online Therapy Reviews & Guides
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    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
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  • What Is a Toxic Relationship?What Is a Toxic Relationship?
  • Common SignsCommon Signs
  • Abusive vs ToxicAbusive vs Toxic
  • ImpactsImpacts
  • 6 How to Fix Tips6 How to Fix Tips
  • When & How to LeaveWhen & How to Leave
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources
Relationship Articles Couples Counseling Communication Styles Infidelity Online Couples Counseling

What Is a Toxic Relationship? Signs, Impacts, & How to Fix It

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena specializes in grief, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. She also has experience in many other areas of mental healthcare.

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Headshot of Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Medical Reviewer: Naveed Saleh, MD, MS Licensed medical reviewer

Headshot of Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Dr. Saleh is an experienced physician and a leading voice in medical journalism. His contributions to evidence-based mental health sites have helped raise awareness and reduce stigma associated with mental health disorders.

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Published: September 2, 2022
  • What Is a Toxic Relationship?What Is a Toxic Relationship?
  • Common SignsCommon Signs
  • Abusive vs ToxicAbusive vs Toxic
  • ImpactsImpacts
  • 6 How to Fix Tips6 How to Fix Tips
  • When & How to LeaveWhen & How to Leave
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources

A toxic relationship is one in which two people don’t communicate or relate to one another in healthy ways, and where conflict easily arises. In these relationships, at least one person tries to minimize the other’s perspective and increase their competitive nature. There tends to be a lack of support and general unpleasantness.

The negative emotions outweigh the positive ones and the relationship itself becomes a huge drain of energy.

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What Is a Toxic Relationship?

Toxic relationships tend to exhibit a pattern of negativity where at least one partner causes harm in some way, whether purposeful or not. Sometimes that is intentional abuse in a relationship, or manipulative behaviors that can leave one partner feeling trapped or burned out on the relationship. It’s possible these behaviors were learned in childhood or experienced as an adult, and the expectation of any other behavior has not been established.

Sometimes, toxic relationships are ones that need time and care to work through issues together so more trust can be built in the relationship. For others, it’s just two people who are not a good pair together but are great apart. It’s important to separate the toxic relationship from accusing a partner of being toxic person, however both can occur at once.1

Dr. Jason Whiting, PhD, LMFT“Toxic relationships wear people down and have serious effects on one’s self-worth and feelings of dignity. They can be traumatic and leave permanent emotional damage. If you think your relationship is toxic, start seeking help from blogs, books, and professionals. The fog of abuse is hard to see through, and getting clarity from outside is crucial.” – Dr. Jason Whiting, PhD, LMFT

22 Toxic Relationship Signs

While toxic relationships can take on many different forms, common signs might include mutual disrespect, emotional manipulation, or feeling lonely even when you’re together.

Here are 22 signs of a potentially toxic relationship:2

  1. You feel disrespected
  2. Your needs are not met
  3. You both have a hard time communicating
  4. You don’t feel free to live your life autonomously
  5. You give more than you get
  6. You don’t feel valued
  7. You find yourself wondering if you like him or the attention, (or if you like her or just the attention, etc)
  8. You resent your partner
  9. One or both of you are passive aggressive
  10. Your self-esteem is deteriorating
  11. You feel attacked and unsupported
  12. Your sleeping and eating patterns have changed (like engaging in revenge bedtime procrastination because you don’t get enough time to yourself during the day)
  13. You feel depressed or anxious
  14. You bring out the bad qualities in one another
  15. You feel like you walk on eggshells around your partner
  16. Your feelings come second to theirs (the sign of a codependent relationship)
  17. You feel gaslighted and manipulated
  18. You don’t feel your best emotionally or mentally around them
  19. You feel alone in the relationship when you’re together
  20. You feel there is a lack of trust and excess jealousy
  21. You feel responsible for their happiness
  22. You are being abused physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually

Amy ShermanAmy Sherman, MA, LMHC, MA, LMHC says identifying a toxic relationship starts with being honest with yourself. “First and foremost, you should ask yourself how you feel in your relationship? If you don’t feel good about yourself, there is something wrong with the relationship. Watch out for any ‘red flags’ of abuse – blaming, shaming, insulting, demanding and ridiculing comments from your partner. Watch out for often and excessive anger, frustration, and defensiveness. These are clues that something is not working and that you may be in danger.”

Check out this video licenced therapist, Gabrielle Juliano-Villani, LCSW, for more signs of toxic relationships:

Abuse vs. Toxicity

Toxic relationships and abusive relationships can have some overlap, but relationships that involve abuse are no longer just toxic, they are abusive.

Control

In an abusive relationship, one partner is always in control. A controlling husband, wife, or partner is aware of their actions and chooses abusive behaviors to show dominance and maintain control over the other partner. It can start out as emotional abuse and become physical over time. Control issues are sometimes the result of relationships with large age gaps, but not always.

Manipulation

Abusers tend to use mind games such as manipulation and gaslighting to undermine their partner’s needs and perspectives. In essence, abusive relationships involve the abuser who is the bully and the other partner as the victim—and usually these types of relationships don’t change.3

A Cycle of Abuse & Reconciliation

Abusive relationships can be hard to recognize, but it’s important to be aware of the cycles of abuse and different types of abuse outside of physical and emotional abuse, such as financial abuse. In any relationship, there needs to be respect, and toxic relationships that turn abusive can also use physical intimacy to perpetuate abuse, such as sexual coercion.

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Impacts of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships involve one or both partners engaging in reactive behavior and having unhealthy communication. These people create issues and escalate problems, often seeing themselves as the victim. Toxic people or those in toxic relationships avoid taking any blame and ownership of their part in conflict, leading to issues like overthinking or resentment for each partner individually.

A toxic relationship may not have begun that way. Oftentimes, it’s a relationship that may have started out well, but is now leaving a person feeling emotionally drained and stressed. A healthy relationship, on the other hand, helps to give energy back as opposed to taking energy away.

According to Sherman, “Anyone in a toxic relationship will feel disrespected, discounted, unappreciated, ridiculed, undermined and criticized to the point where they lose their self-worth, self-esteem, and perhaps their self-regard. Often, individuals would become a ‘shell’ of who they were before they entered the relationship. A toxic relationship is emotionally unhealthy and can often lead to dangerous physical situations, where one partner gets hurt.”

The impacts of a toxic relationship could include:4

  • Worsened friendships
  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • PTSD
  • Sleep changes
  • Weight changes
  • Poor performance at work or school
  • Lack of communication in relationships
  • Short temper
  • Negative inner monologue
  • Complacency
  • Developing trust issues
  • Pessimistic and negative moods
  • Low self worth

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

There are ways to improve a toxic relationship if all parties involved are motivated to change. These relationships can be better managed by setting healthy boundaries and working on your own self awareness.

Here are six tips for dealing with a toxic relationship:

1. Have Open & Honest Conversations

Have open, healthy communication with your partner about how you’re feeling and what you will own in the relationship. Having these discussions together and sharing the load also increases cohesion between partners. The timing of these conversations is also important, so pick a time where both partners are rested and in a good headspace to have meaningful and constructive conversations.

2. Don’t Dwell on the Past

Focusing on past mistakes won’t allow you to move forward. We can’t control the past, and the attention on the past will keep you from being attentive in the present. Take time to really process the past so you are not stuck dwelling on it as you try to move forward in your relationship.

3. View Your Partner With Compassion

As hard as it can be, our partners are human—and as humans, they make mistakes and have a history of relationships before us. It’s important to be mindful of that and sensitive to their struggles. Coming to your partner with compassion is important because it lets you see them as a human, as a true partner, and not as the enemy. Compassion in times of conflict can really help to reset the ways in which we communicate, which can make all the difference.

4. Take Responsibility for Your Part

Whiting states, “A key factor on whether a toxic relationship can change is if the unhealthy person(s) will take full responsibility for their abusive behavior. Denial is a common feature of unhealthy relationships and is actually the main clinical issue in batterer-intervention programs. If someone won’t admit they have a problem, they won’t change. For a relationship that has been damaged by verbal or physical aggression to turn around, the offender needs to be totally honest, accept full responsibility for the hurt they are causing, and work consistently for a significant time (6 months to a year) to try and make it right. Cheap apologies or promises won’t do it.”

5. Talk to a Therapist

Therapy is very effective for treating relationship issues and the stress that comes from these issues. Identifying the root cause of an issue or feeling is the first step towards recovery or moving forward from a toxic relationship. Therapy also allows for you to learn additional ways to manage relationship issues and expectations.5

It’s important to consider individual or couples therapy depending on what your concerns are.6 It is helpful to find a couples therapist and explore your relationship patterns as well as your childhood experiences. Digging deeper and laying out any dysfunctional patterns in your family history can help point out where your own relationship patterns may be coming from.

6. Hold Space for Your Partner to Change

Change takes time. It is important to remember that learning a new habit is just as challenging as unlearning old habits. When we are working on changing things in a relationship, both partners need to do the work. The work for one could mean holding the space for that change to occur–for you to see the change. Without the space to showcase new ways of relating in the relationship, you won’t ever get to see what the change looks like. It takes a lot of patience and self-care to do this, so make sure you are prioritizing taking care of yourself, too.

When & How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

For some, the best option for dealing with toxic relationships is to leave the relationship. When your own health and wellness is being impacted, the relationship is doing more harm than good for you. When there is any kind of abuse, it’s important to recognize your worth, protect yourself, and get help right away.

Seek out the support of a therapist and come up with an exit plan so you can leave safely. This can be hard to do and a hard decision to come to, but if you have tried couples therapy and feel that you have exhibited patience and made change, and you are still not satisfied, it may be time to end the relationship. Some people are inherently incompatible and it can take time to really come to terms with this. Working with a therapist to sort through this and find out how to end a relationship can be really helpful.

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Final Thoughts

If you are dealing with issues stemming from toxic relationships, talking to a therapist can make a big difference in how you feel.

Toxic Relationship Infographics

What Is a Toxic Relationship? Toxic Relationship Signs How to Fix a Toxic Relationship

Sources Update History

ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Forth, A., Sezlik, S., Lee, S., Ritchie, M., Logan, J., & Ellingwood, H. (2021). Toxic Relationships: The Experiences and Effects of Psychopathy in Romantic Relationships. International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology, 0306624X211049187.

  • Towler, A., Eivers, A., & Frey, R. (2020). Warning signs of partner abuse in intimate relationships: Gender differences in young adults’ perceptions of seriousness. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(7-8), 1779-1802.

  • Ha, T., Otten, R., McGill, S., & Dishion, T. J. (2019). The family and peer origins of coercion within adult romantic relationships: A longitudinal multimethod study across relationships contexts. Developmental psychology, 55(1), 207.

  • Flasch, P., Boote, D., & Robinson, E. H. (2019). Considering and navigating new relationships during recovery from intimate partner violence. Journal of Counseling & Development, 97(2), 148-159.

  • Beasley, C. C., & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally focused couples therapy: a systematic review of its effectiveness over the past 19 years. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(2), 144-159.

  • Thiruvananthapuram, A. (2019). Codependency and marital satisfaction among married adults. Loyola College of Social Sciences.

Show more Click here to open the article sources container.

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

September 2, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Revised “How to Fix a Toxic Relationship” and “When & How to Leave a Toxic Relationship”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
October 19, 2021
Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Reviewer: Naveed Saleh, MD, MS
Show more Click here to open the article update history container.

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For Further Reading

  • Top Books About Codependency 
  • What to Know About Codependent Relationships
  • Best Books on Narcissism
  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • Breakup Sex: Pros, Cons, & Why We Have It

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