The Fear of Losing Control: Why It Happens & How to Overcome

What Causes the Fear of Losing Control?

A person who fears losing control is afraid that they will harm others or themself or cause bad things to happen because they are unable to control themselves. Many factors can contribute to the fear of losing control, including external events such as childhood trauma and instability or mental health conditions like anxiety, addiction, or borderline personality disorder.¹

Here are nine reasons a person may have the fear of losing control:

1. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is characterized by a consistent state of worry and anxiety, which often involves catastrophizing or imagining the worst-case scenario. It can feel impossible for someone with GAD to stop worrying, which can make them feel like they are losing control.

Additionally, individuals with anxiety may use avoidance coping to manage their anxiety. Unfortunately, avoiding situations due to fear of anxiety symptoms can reinforce the belief that one is not in control of their environment or actions and make the fear of losing control even greater. Finally, chronic anxiety can put someone into a state of hypervigilance, where everything that is dangerous is highlighted, and being unable to control their safety seems a lot more probable.

2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

The obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsive actions is deeply connected to a fear of losing control. A person with OCD has disturbing and intrusive thoughts, which leads them to carry out compulsions to try to prevent their fears from happening. When they carry out the compulsion, the person reinforces the belief that if not for the compulsion, they would be unable to control the outcome, thus heightening their fear of losing control.²

Common obsessions experienced by people with a fear of losing control include:

• Obsessions about failure
• Obsessions about insecurities and relationships
• Fear of going crazy, being overwhelmed, or “freaking out”
• Obsessive thoughts about causing harm to oneself or others

Common compulsions experienced by people with a fear of losing control include:

• Checking things repeatedly to make sure that they are safe
• Checking locks
• Repeatedly seeking reassurance from others
• Counting and recounting money or other objects
• Ordering or counting things
• Compulsively cleaning or straightening
• Hiding knives or other potential weapons

3. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

When a person experiences trauma, they experience a moment where they are powerless to stop something bad from happening. They can then develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which involves a persistent fear that they will lose control again in the future. Trauma also changes a person’s nervous system, putting them into hypervigilance. This can result in a lot of intense PTSD symptoms that can cause a person to fear losing control.³

4. Panic Disorder

People with panic disorder fear having another panic attack and often try to do things to prevent it, like avoiding potential triggers. The intense physical sensations that come with a panic attack, such as anxiety shivers and chills, can feel overwhelming, causing a person to fear losing control over their body.

In some cases, a person may experience depersonalization or derealization during a panic attack, furthering the sense of no control. A person with panic disorder may also fear losing control of their mind, as panic attacks can bring on thoughts of the worst-case scenario.

5. Unstable Upbringing

When a person is raised in an unstable upbringing, with adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), they may fear losing control because it reminds them of the powerlessness they felt in childhood. As a result, they may try to exert control over areas of their life whenever possible as a way to protect themselves against the unpredictability and chaos they experienced when they were young.

6. Depression

One of the symptoms of depression is having thoughts of uncertainty and dread. This can lead to increased pessimism and a bleak outlook about the future. A person with depression may fear that something terrible will happen to them or that they will lose control over their depression and be unable ever to come back from it.

7. Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder can cause feelings of being out of control, as well as fears of losing control. Depressive episodes in bipolar disorder can bring on hopelessness and uncertainty about the future. In addition, manic episodes can lead to unpredictable behaviors, an increase in risk-taking, and possibly even getting into dangerous situations. This can lead a person with bipolar disorder to fear the next episode and the potential to lose control.⁴

8. Addiction

Addiction creates a cycle of losing control, fear that losing control will happen again, and then turning to substances to cope. For instance, a person with a drinking problem drinks too much and does things they regret. The next time they go out drinking, they fear losing control, but because of their addiction, they drink more than they intended to. This creates a cycle of fear, powerlessness, and shame.

9. Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BDP) is characterized by extreme emotions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD often struggles with fears of being rejected or abandoned, which feeds into a fear of losing control of the relationships in their life that they care about. Additionally, a person with BPD may also worry that they will lose control of their emotions and actions, as they can be unpredictable.

How to Know What Is Causing Your Fear of Losing Control

In order to begin to let go of the fear of losing control, a person needs to know the specific triggers and underlying causes that are behind it. First, you need to identify your triggers. Notice interactions, places, and things that happen right before the fear of losing control kicks in. Start to keep a log of when the fear comes up and what the triggers are.

Here is how to keep a log that can help you identify your triggers:

• Have a blank journal, anxiety and phobia workbook, or even an app on your phone available for tracking triggers.
• Notice what it feels like when the fear of losing control comes up for you. Take note of sensations in your body as well as thoughts.
• Write down the time, triggers, body sensations, and thoughts in your journal.
• Do this regularly until you start to notice themes and patterns.

Here are some questions to get a better sense of what is causing your fear of losing control:

•  Who did I talk to that day?
•  Where did I go?
•  Were there any significant stressors before this happened?
•  Am I having any problems at work, school, or in relationships?
•  How did I sleep the night before?
•  How am I feeling physically?

In addition to logging your fears, another way to learn what is causing your fear of losing control is to ask your friends and family for their insight into what may be going on. Additionally, finding a therapist to speak with can also be helpful in uncovering deeper causes of fear of losing control, such as trauma or mental health disorders.

How to Overcome the Fear of Not Being in Control

Recognizing that uncertainty is a natural part of life can help you overcome the fear of not being in control. Many different strategies can empower you to navigate uncertainty. Learning to challenge catastrophic thoughts and sit with uncertainty is crucial. In addition to addressing the thoughts, breathwork, mindfulness, and exercise can combat the physiological symptoms of fear.

Here are some tips for how to overcome the fear of losing control:

Challenge Catastrophic Thinking

Challenging catastrophic thinking involves questioning and reframing extreme and unrealistic beliefs about potential negative outcomes. By challenging these thoughts, you can reduce the intensity of anxiety and fear associated with uncertain situations. This often involves examining facts, considering alternatives, and developing a more balanced view of events.

Here are some ways to challenge catastrophic thinking:

• Reality testing: Ask yourself how realistic your fear is. Using a realistic understanding of the likelihood of a negative event can help counter catastrophic thoughts.
• Cognitive restructuring: Replace catastrophic thoughts with more balanced, constructive alternatives through cognitive restructuring and reframing techniques.
• Mindfulness practices: Use mindfulness to increase present-moment awareness to reduce catastrophic thinking patterns and reduce anxiety about uncertain future events.
• Gratitude journaling: Shift your focus towards positive aspects of life by creating a gratitude list. This will help you to regularly acknowledge and appreciate small wins.

Spend More & More Time Sitting With Uncertainty

Sitting with uncertainty involves exposing yourself to situations or thoughts that cause discomfort without immediately looking to fix the situation or seek reassurance from those around you. This allows you to build tolerance for the unknown. By confronting fears and resisting the urge to escape or control uncertain circumstances, you can develop greater emotional flexibility and reduce anxiety associated with the unknown.

Engage in Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, or breathing exercises can alleviate anxiety associated with the fear of not being in control. These practices help with the physiological stress responses, reducing tension in the body and mind. Incorporating regular relaxation sessions into daily routines can calm your anxiety and increase your ability to cope with uncertainty.

Focus on What You Can Control

Focusing on what you can control is fundamental to overcoming the fear of not being in control. You regain a sense of agency and empowerment by directing attention and energy towards manageable aspects of life. This practice involves identifying actions, decisions, and attitudes in your life, such as setting personal, achievable goals, maintaining healthy habits, and nurturing healthy relationships.

Practice Grounding Exercises

Grounding exercises for anxiety involve connecting with the present moment and one’s immediate surroundings to anchor yourself during times of heightened anxiety or distress. Techniques like the 54321 method can help individuals shift their attention away from worrisome thoughts about the future. By practicing grounding, you can remain in the present instead of worrying about the future.

Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, like you would towards others, especially during a difficult time. Practicing self-compassion entails acknowledging and validating your own emotions without judgment and recognizing that feelings of fear and uncertainty make you human. Engaging in self-soothing activities, such as gentle self-talk, a loving-kindness meditation, or seeking support from loved ones, further nurtures a sense of inner strength and security.

Begin Therapy

Therapy can help you gain insight into what is driving the fear of losing control and develop coping skills for anxiety to manage the fear. A therapist will begin by asking about your family history, symptoms, concerns, and support to understand what is happening. They will then develop a treatment plan, which usually includes therapy and possibly medication.

Join a Support Group

In-person and online therapy and support groups, such as a 12-step group or DBT group, can help provide support and strategies for managing the fear of losing control. Many people find groups helpful because they can share experiences, learn from others who have been there, and understand specific challenges and coping skills.

Incorporate Daily Physical Exercise or Movement

Moving your body and getting some exercise is a proven way to reduce anxiety. Try taking a walk, dancing to some music, or even just standing up and stretching. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help improve mood and sense of well-being. Combine some movement with music or time with a friend, and it can be even more helpful.⁷

Explore Self-Help Resources

There are countless self-help resources available for coping with the fear of losing control, including books, videos, and workbooks. There are books available with coping skills for anxiety, panic, and healing from an unstable childhood. You might want to check out specific workbooks with tools for reducing anxiety and fear that can help you increase your coping skills.

Focus on Healthy Lifestyle Choices

Take good care of your body, practice a healthy nighttime routine, and prioritize getting a good night’s sleep. Eating a healthy, nutritious diet and reducing substances like caffeine and alcohol, which can contribute to anxiety and fear of losing control, are helpful, too. Taking care of yourself can help regulate your nervous system and lessen the fear of losing control.

When to Seek Professional Support

When fears impact your ability to sleep, work, do well in school, or have healthy relationships, it’s a good idea to seek professional help for an evaluation. Fear of losing control can be tied to several serious mental health conditions. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform can help you find a therapist who is skilled in treating these fears.

Here are some therapy options that are effective for dealing with a fear of losing control:

• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): If the underlying issue is trauma, EMDR can help people reprocess past trauma and remove the triggers that come up in daily life.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): If a person’s triggers are more thought-based, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help change the negative thoughts and take the focus off of the worst-case scenario.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT focuses on accepting the fear of losing control and, at the same time, choosing actions based on values instead of fear.⁵
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT is a type of therapy that focuses on building coping skills for anxiety and tools to help a person better tolerate distress. This can be helpful for a person who fears that they will lose control because they can’t tolerate emotions, and it is especially helpful for borderline personality disorder.⁶