How to Ask for Help: Advice From a Therapist

How to Know If You Need Help

There are endless examples of situations you could find yourself in that may require help from others. Depending on the situation, you might need very specific kinds of help, like a ride somewhere, a password, a clue, or a piece of advice. These situations share one common theme: a person is unable to complete a task or mission on their own and needs assistance.

Some of the signs that may indicate a need for help include:

• You are missing information, a skill, or a tool needed to complete a task
• You feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or stuck with a task, project, or issue
• You are spending too much time or energy on a task or project
• You are running out of time to complete the task (i.e., an approaching deadline)
• You have attempted to solve the problem on your own
• You have a problem that requires specialized knowledge, skill, or equipment
• You will run into bigger & more severe issues if you’re unable to get help

What Can Prevent Someone From Asking for Help?

There are a lot of different reasons why it can be difficult to ask for help, but the most common barriers are mental or emotional in nature. Mental and emotional barriers to asking for help can form in response to negative past experiences, relationship conflicts or patterns, or even emotions like anger, guilt, or doubt.

According to studies, the fear of being embarrassed is one of the most commonly cited reasons why people don’t ask others for help.¹ Research also suggests that help-seeking behaviors are influenced by societal attitudes and stigmas, cultural norms, and gender roles.^2,3

Here are some examples of internal barriers that might prevent you from asking for help:^1,2,3

• Negative past associations: If you have tried to ask for help before and been turned down, stonewalled, or criticized in response, you probably have formed some negative associations with help-seeking. Even if these past instances were rare, the hurt, anger, or disappointment that forms in response can linger and persist for a long time afterward, making people hesitant or afraid to ask for help again.
• Expecting a bad response: If you always expect people to turn you down, mock you, or respond negatively to a request for help, you are unlikely to ask for it. Rehearsing or anticipating a negative response from the other person can stir up the same exact feelings as if it really occurred and can shut someone down before they ever make their request.
• Self-consciousness: A lot of people believe that asking for help makes you seem weak or incompetent and are afraid that others will think less of them. Self-consciousness is a type of insecurity that makes people worry about how others will perceive their actions and how this will change their reputation. Many also have a fear of being embarrassed for seeking help.
• Self-critical thoughts: A lot of people have negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves that pop up in situations where they need assistance. Self-critical thoughts like, “I should be able to do this myself”, “I feel like such a burden to other people,” or “I’m so stupid” are examples of thoughts that can become an internal barrier to asking for help.
• Relationship doubts: Doubting your relationships’ strength, quality, or closeness can also become an internal barrier to asking people for help. These kinds of doubts can cause people to hesitate when considering reaching out, worrying that asking for help would be inappropriate, offensive, or harmful to their relationship.
• Low self-esteem: Low self-esteem can also be a barrier to asking for help. People who don’t value themselves as much as they value other people will often worry that other people don’t like them, don’t want to be bothered by them, and wouldn’t go out of their way for them. These beliefs can undermine their confidence in themselves and their relationships, making them less likely to reach out when they need something.
• Poor social skills: People who don’t feel confident about their ability to assertively communicate, relate, and connect to other people in conversation may struggle more with help-seeking behaviors. Not knowing what to say, how to make a request, or how to interpret nonverbal cues can all become barriers to asking for help.
• Neglected relationships: People who have a tendency to isolate and withdraw from other people may not feel able to ask people for help, especially people they haven’t kept in touch with. Calling someone up for a favor after not having seen or talked to them in months often feels inappropriate, so neglected relationships can also keep people from reaching out for help.

How to Overcome Barriers to Asking for Help

Since many of the barriers to asking for help are mental and emotional in nature, the process of overcoming them is as well. A change in mindset is often necessary, as well as some effective coping skills to deal with the uncomfortable feelings and fears associated with asking for help.

Even with a positive mindset and a set of healthy coping skills, beginning to ask for help may not be a simple, quick, or easy process for everyone. For example, it might be necessary to invest time and effort into rebuilding relationships, improving social and communication skills, or identifying the right time or way of approaching someone for help. With time and consistent practice, people can overcome internal barriers and learn how to ask people for help.⁴

Here are some examples of ways to overcome common barriers to asking for help:^1,4

• Negative past associations: The best way to overcome negative past associations is to build new, more positive associations. This can be done by trying to ask people for help again despite what happened in the past.
• Expecting a bad response: When you are about to ask someone for help, pay closer attention to the expectations your mind forms about how they’ll respond. Balance out your negativity bias by entertaining a few positive outcomes, or, if you can, drop your expectations altogether and approach the conversation with an open and curious mind.
• Self-consciousness: Self-consciousness is just an extreme focus on yourself and how others will perceive you. You can counteract this by refocusing your attention away from yourself or how others are viewing you and giving your full, undivided attention to something else happening at the moment. For example, focusing on your body, breath, and surroundings or using the 54321 method can break the spell of self-consciousness.
• Self-criticism: People who are highly self-critical have an ongoing inner dialogue with their inner critic, who is always pointing out flaws, mistakes, and insecurities. Dialogues break down when one side of the conversation stops listening or responding, and this is sometimes the best way to deal with your inner critic. Imagine yourself walking away or excusing yourself from the conversation and focusing on something else.
• Relationship doubts: If you doubt the strength or closeness of your relationship, make an intentional effort to improve the relationships that matter most to you. For example, make more of an effort to stay in touch, offer support, or show the other person you care about them. This will help to strengthen your relationships and can even make it easier to reach out for help without feeling like you’re taking advantage of others.
• Self-esteem: Self-esteem and self-worth are often mixed up, but self-esteem is a shallower and more temporary feeling of confidence that you feel when you succeed. Self-worth is a more stable and lasting form of confidence that can be maintained even when you fail, mess up, or fall short in some way. Effective self-compassion and self-care exercises can help people discover self-worth, which means drops in self-esteem don’t affect them as much.
• Poor social skills: Anyone can develop or improve their social skills with time and regular practice initiating and having conversations with people. If you struggle with social skills, eye contact, or reading cues, the best way to learn is by talking and opening up more in everyday interactions.
• Neglected relationships: Relationships need to be maintained through regular contact, so the first step to address neglected relationships is to reconnect with people you’ve lost touch with. Try to set up regular times to talk with them or see them, especially if you want to develop a deeper connection with them.

How to Know Who to Ask for Help

Depending on the specific kind of help you need, there may be certain people who are more equipped to help than others. For example, you may need help from someone with a specific skill set or expertise. Travel plans, a busy schedule, or personal hardship are also important to factor in, as some people may not be available to offer you assistance.⁵

When you’re deciding who in your inner circle to ask for help, it’s a good idea to consider the strength and closeness of your relationship with them.⁶ When you need a really big favor from someone you’re not really close with, it might be necessary to consider offering something in exchange (i.e., money, barter, or a favor in return). If the person you need help from is someone you’ve had a conflict with in the past, there may be some preliminary conversations to have before making a request.

5 Tips for How to Ask for Help

There are many different ways to ask someone for help, and no one approach is right for every situation. How you ask for help will depend on a lot of different factors, including who you ask, what kind of relationship you have with them, the specific kind of help you need, and what it entails.

Here are five tips for how to ask for help:

1. Prepare for the Conversation

Before you make a request, it’s a good idea to spend some time defining exactly what you need so you can make your request as straightforward as possible.⁴ This preparation helps prevent miscommunications and misunderstandings and ensures that everyone involved is fully informed about what they’re agreeing to do. The more complex and time-consuming the favor is, the more important it is to devote time to this preparatory work of defining your request.

Here are some specific questions to answer before asking someone for their help:⁴

• What kind of help do you need? What specific tasks or projects do you need help with?
• Does the person need to have any specific skill, knowledge, or tool to be able to help?
• Who do you have in mind to ask? Who will you ask if they’re unable to help?
• What else does this person have going on right now? Is the timing ok?
• Are there unresolved issues or conflicts in this relationship to address before asking?
• When do you need help? Is there a deadline or due date involved?
• When and where would the person need to be available to help you?
• How long do you need help for? Is this a one-time request or an ongoing request?
• Do you already have everything you need to complete the task?
• Is this request appropriate, fair, and reasonable? What will it ‘cost’ the other person?
• Do you have anything to offer in exchange for this favor?

2. Choose the Right Time & Place

It’s important to consider where and when you ask someone for help, especially if it’s a relatively big ask or a request that involves a lot of specific detail. Make sure to consider whether the time and place are appropriate for the request or not. For example, it may not be appropriate to approach someone at work with a highly personal or sensitive request. Likewise, it is often inappropriate to ask someone for a work-related favor during times when they’re not working.

Selecting the appropriate time and place to make your request makes it more likely that people will be in a positive and receptive state.⁴ While each situation is a little different, the following times and places can make someone less receptive to your request:

• Work requests during non-work hours
• Requests that interrupt weekends or holidays
• Requests that come after hours or late at night
• Rushed, frantic, or hurried requests for help
• Requests that interrupt work or important projects
• Sensitive requests made in public places or groups
• Requests made in passing that require more time
• Personal requests made in professional settings or in front of others

3. Be Direct When Initiating the Conversation

For many, the hardest part about asking for help is initiating a conversation with the person. Some people feel socially awkward and unsure about how to approach people or initiate a conversation, especially when they have a specific favor or request in mind. A lot of people worry that if they rush or are too direct with their request, they will seem rude, offensive, or selfish.^1,3 However, this can cause people to overcorrect, beating around the bush or making uncomfortable attempts at small talk while the other person wonders what’s really going on.

If it’s just a quick or easy favor you need, it’s usually not a big deal to get right to the point. When the help you need is a little more complicated or involved, it might be better to schedule some time with them to talk things over. That way, you can make sure that you have enough time to go over the request in detail, answer questions, and, if they agree, make a plan to move forward. The more involved the request is, the more important it will be to make time to talk about what you need in detail.⁴

Here are some general tips on how to initiate a conversation when you need someone’s help:⁴

• Ask if it’s a good time to talk (unless you scheduled in advance)

Example: “Hey! Do you have a few minutes, or should I come back after the meeting?”

• Make your request in a simple, concise, and straightforward way

Example: “Would you mind going over the bullet points for tomorrow’s presentation?” 

• Clarify details, timelines, or factors you would want to know if the situation was reversed

Example: “I just need to run a few things by you… it should only take about 10 minutes.”

• Give them time to think it over, make a decision, and respond

Example: “No pressure to let me know right now. You can get back to me tomorrow.”

4. Express Your Needs Clearly

Being able to communicate what you need in a clear way is an essential aspect of asking for help. If the help you need involves a lot of time or effort, it might be necessary to do some self-reflection ahead of time so that you’re really clear on what you need. Once you know exactly what you need and who you plan to ask, the next step is to communicate your needs to the person you’re asking for help.⁴

Here are some tips on how to express your needs clearly when asking for help:

• Use an I-statement to request what you need

Example: “I need some help figuring out this new software.”

• Ask the person for what you want or need

Example: “Could you sit down and show me how it works sometime this week?”

• Break down the specific steps involved in your request

Example: “I need to learn how to make a new account in the system.”

• Communicate timelines or scheduling needs

Example: “I have to have it done by tomorrow afternoon.”

• Be direct about any barriers or complicating factors

Example: “The only thing is I have a 30-minute call at 3 pm today, so I’m not free then.”

5. Prepare for Different Reactions

When you approach someone to ask for their help, there is no guarantee that they’ll be able or willing to help you. There’s even a small possibility that they respond very negatively to your request, no matter how politely you ask. According to studies, people often wrongly assume that other people will be unwilling to help them or that they’ll judge or criticize them for asking. Still, it’s usually not helpful to spend a lot of time ruminating or rehearsing different versions of the conversation ahead of time. Instead, try to approach the conversation with an open mind rather than with a lot of rigid or negative expectations about the outcome.

While you cannot predict or control how someone will respond when you ask for help, you can control your own responses. Even if someone responds negatively to you or refuses to help you, there is no reason for you to walk away feeling bad about yourself, especially if you were polite to them during the interaction. If they turn down your request for help, be as courteous and gracious as possible to them afterward. For example, let them know that you appreciate their willingness to hear you out or that you understand their reasons for saying no.

Examples of How to Ask for Help

Help-seeking is a skill that requires practice to master. It can help to have examples of ways to ask for help or what to say when you need someone’s help. As you read through the examples, look for ways to make them your own. It will feel more natural if you can form your request in language similar to your natural style of communicating.

Here are some basic examples of how to ask for help:

• “Would you mind giving me a hand with something? It should only take a second.”
• “I need someone to talk to. Could we set up a time to get coffee for an hour?”
• “Would you be willing to spend an afternoon with me to go over the proposal?”
• “Do you have an hour this week to meet with the new hire to set up her email?”
• “Would it be ok if I called you on the phone later this evening to run it by you?”
• “Are you available to help me assemble my new bed later tonight?”
• “I really hate to ask, but could you pick me up from my appointment?”
• “I’m failing the class. Could I pay you to tutor me for a couple of hours a week?”
• “I really need some help with this. Do you think you could do it?”

How to Handle Rejection When Asking for Help

When someone rejects your request for help, it can be a big disappointment. Sometimes, it’s really hard not to personalize this rejection or take offense to their refusal. When this happens, it can help to take a step back and view the situation from the other person’s perspective or even from an outside perspective.

Some of the non-personal reasons someone might reject your request for help include:

• They do not have the time in their schedule
• They are overwhelmed with their own issues
• They are going through a personal hardship
• They do not think they have the knowledge or skill
• They were caught off-guard by your request
• They are trying to work on setting boundaries
• They didn’t understand what you needed from them
• The request came at an inconvenient time

If you sense that their reasons are personal in nature, it’s a good idea to follow up or check in with them to ask what’s wrong. You may also need to clear the air with them if you are having a hard time working through your feelings of disappointment, hurt, or resentment as a result of them refusing to help you. When these issues go unaddressed in relationships, they can fester and become bigger over time.

How to Graciously Receive Help

When someone you ask agrees to help you, it’s important to show gratitude and appreciation. Saying ‘thank you’ is the most obvious way to show gratitude, and being as sincere as possible helps these words feel more meaningful to the recipient. After the person has helped you, it’s also a nice gesture to follow up and thank them again, especially for bigger favors.

A lot of people who struggle with asking for help also have a hard time accepting it when it arrives. Unless your circumstances have changed and you no longer need help, make sure to be available and accepting of it when it comes through. If it was scheduled in advance, make sure to be there on time and come prepared with the items needed for the task at hand. This is an important way to demonstrate your appreciation and respect for the person’s time. By doing your part and showing sincere gratitude to others, it’s likely that other people will be willing to help you out again in the future.⁴

The Role of Self-Help & Self-Care

Caring for and helping yourself is just as important as being able to ask other people for help and support. Self-help and self-care routines are routines and activities that help you maintain your physical and mental health. Inspirational books and videos that improve your mindset, weekly lunch dates with friends, and dedicated time for leisure activities are all examples of self-care or self-help activities.

When to Seek Professional Support

There may be situations where your insecurities related to asking for help are linked to deeper psychological issues. For example, an insecure attachment style, self-esteem issue, history of childhood trauma, or untreated social anxiety disorder could be at the root of the problem. If you suspect this is the case for you or are not making progress on your own by asking for help, a licensed therapist may be able to assist you.

Many people begin their search for a therapist online by using a therapist directory that allows them to narrow their search to providers in a specific location, insurance network, or who have a certain specialty. It’s also a good idea to schedule a consultation with a few different therapists, which most therapists offer at no cost.