It’s completely normal for people in any kind of relationship to sometimes disagree or argue. However, how the argument unfolds and the impact it has are just as important as the underlying topic of the argument itself. There are, in fact, fair fighting rules you can strive to implement and master that will help you maintain the relationship.
What Can Cause Conflict In a Relationship?
There are many things that can cause conflict in a relationship. People are all different and have different life experiences and expectations, so when a couple comes together, there are bound to be disagreements and fights from time to time.
Causes of relationship conflict that can lead to fights include:
- Control issues
- Trust issues
- Commitment issues
- Infidelity
- Individual history of trauma
What Does it Mean to Fight Fair?
Learning how to fight fair during a conflict so both people feel respected, heard, and valued as a member of the couple, family, friendship, etc. is crucial to build trust, motivate people to maintain the relationship, help deal with relationship conflict, and keep the relationship intact.1 If you don’t fight fair, emotional pain, distrust, and other complex emotions may result in the termination of the relationship.
Unhealthy Forms of Arguing
Fighting “fair” rules are in contrast to unhealthy forms of arguing, which include ignoring issues, making personal attacks, blaming, and name-calling. By incorporating teamwork, collaboration, compromise, and mutual goal-setting, peers, couples, and those in other sorts of relationships will be able to successfully overcome arguments and achieve higher quality relationships.1
Here are unhealthy forms of arguing:1, 2
- Ignoring the problem
- Personal attacks
- Blaming
- Criticizing
- Name-calling
- Defensiveness
- Avoidance
- Bringing up past issues
- Showing contempt
16 Fair Fighting Rules
Rules or guidelines for fighting fair may help you come away from an argument or conflict with a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and both of your goals and needs. Rules include things like being open, staying focused, and sharing your emotions.
Here are sixteen rules for fair fighting:2,3,4
1. Stay Focused On the Issue at Hand
When an issue is escalating, try to keep your discussion streamlined. Doing so minimizes the likelihood that you will bring non-related issues into the conversation, which can only lead to further distress and irritation. By not bringing up past hurts and conflicts, you give yourself a better chance at resolving the current issue and moving forward with your future.
2. Talk Openly About the Problem
Shutting down, not fully engaging with the other person, and not devoting sufficient time to the matter won’t lead to a resolution. Make sure you give each other enough time and space to talk through the problem so everyone feels heard, respected, valued, and supported.
3. Share Your Feelings & Emotions
Are you angry? Sad? Scared? Frustrated? Lonely? Tell the other person how you are feeling. This promotes emotional intimacy and bonding. Showing vulnerability will keep you from becoming closed off from one another.
4. Listen to Each Other Without Interrupting & Pay Attention to Body Language
Listening to each other without interruption allows both people to get their points across clearly and demonstrates mutual appreciation. Also, notice the other person’s facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, speed of speech, and body positioning. Similarly, pay attention to your own body language in a tense situation.
5. Respect the Other Person’s Perspective
Even if you don’t agree with the other person, respect their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and ideas about how to move forward. Getting outside of your own mindset will help you see things from another point of view and can help you both take that first step toward positive change.
6. Reach a Compromise or Problem-solve to Find a Solution Together
You both might start to dig your heels into the ground about being “right.” Remember, there is no right or wrong, and insisting there is only further drives a wedge between you. Focus on reaching a mutually agreed upon compromise or solution that you can both feel good about.
7. Be Open About Your Needs, Expectations, Hopes, & Goals
Try being open about what you need in the relationship, your expectations, and your hopes and goals for the future (e.g., living situation, travel, family composition, career aspirations, financial goals, retirement, etc.). These are all things that you will want to get on the same page about to reduce the likelihood of future arguments and misunderstandings.
8. Focus On Issues That Are a Priority For You Both & Leave the Rest
Let go of matters that aren’t a huge priority for you; instead, devote more time to the core concerns that you both feel need to be addressed.
9. Be Mindful of the Time You Choose to Discuss a Problem
Starting an important discussion at the end of the day or early in the morning may not be the best idea. Consider discussing the problem at a time of day when you both feel like you can discuss the matter without too much interruption, a time when your focus, attention, and energy levels are ideal.
10. Take a Break if Needed to Calm Down & Commit to Resuming Later
Go to a different room or space in the home to give yourself space to relax. Make a plan to return to the discussion when you both feel more at ease. This could be later the same day or perhaps another day or evening after you have some time to think about the issue. To fully resolve the issue, you must devote a sufficient amount of time.
11. Don’t Stonewall Your Partner
Stonewalling, shutting down and refusing to talk to your partner, is a really harsh way of existing in conflict. Shutting your partner out sends a message that you do not value their opinion and in a time of conflict, that can do much more damage and make the conflict worse. It’s important to refrain from stonewalling as it also leaves your partner feeling isolated and alone in conflict, which doesn’t help anyone.
12. Set Clear Boundaries: Do Not Yell, Degrade, Threaten, or Curse
Raising your voice, threatening to leave or end the relationship, or swearing at the other person can only cause further divide and distress. Depending on the severity of the issue, responding this way can eventually lead to a point of no return. It is best to set healthy boundaries, stay calm, and focus on the key issue at hand to avoid the risk of saying something you’ll regret.
13. Take Responsibility For Your Role In the Disagreement
This helps maintain accountability and allows you both to see where your own biases, struggles, and expectations come into play. By owning your challenges, it shows that you recognize that you may also need to make some adjustments. Both people need to work on the areas where they would like to improve.
14. Manage Feelings of Resentment
Holding grudges and resentment can be detrimental to your relationship. Try to proactively deal with the issue and then move on. Circling back to past issues and challenges can have a negative effect on your relationship.
15. Don’t Make Assumptions
Sometimes, we try to fill in the gaps based on what we assume the other person is thinking or feeling. However, our assumptions stem from our own personal experiences, beliefs, and values, which may greatly differ from someone else’s. Rather than making assumptions or trying to “mind read,” which can further increase our frustration and anger, ask the other person about their viewpoints, concerns, and needs.
16. Move On After Resolving a Problem
Try not to dwell on the issue once you’ve reached a resolution. Moving on from it allows you and the other person to focus on your future relationship goals while also growing and deepening your connection.
How Fighting Fair Creates a Stronger Relationship
Research suggests that parents who model healthy conflict management can help their children achieve healthier, lower-conflict, more satisfactory relationships (both peer and romantic). They may even be able to influence the type of friends or romantic partners the child eventually chooses.1 Moreover, research suggests that children exposed to “fair” fighting tend to adopt a similar approach.
If You’re Struggling to Fight Fair, a Couples Therapist Can Help
A couples therapist can help couples incorporate adaptive conflict resolution techniques to resolve issues. They can also help you figure out your unique thought processes, emotional responses, and communication patterns, teasing out what is and isn’t effective.
How to Find a Therapist
If you feel dissatisfied, notice an increase in arguments, or are on the verge of separation/divorce, consider seeking professional help from an online therapist directory. You might also ask friends, family members, trusted coworkers, or your primary care physician (PCP) for a therapist recommendation.
Final Thoughts on Fair Fighting Rules
Once mastered, fighting fair rules may continue to be helpful as your relationship evolves and changes over time. By using healthy strategies to resolve conflict, you foster trust, mutual understanding, compassion, warmth, strength, and positivity in your relationships for years to come.
Fair Fighting Rules Infographics
