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16 Fair Fighting Rules: How to Fight Fair in Relationships

Published: October 13, 2022 Updated: March 10, 2023
Published: 10/13/2022 Updated: 03/10/2023
Headshot of Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT
Written by:

Davina Tiwari

MSW, RSW, CSFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Can Cause Conflict In a Relationship?What Causes Conflict
  • What Does it Mean to Fight Fair?Fight Fair Meaning
  • Unhealthy Forms of ArguingUnhealthy Arguing
  • Fair Fighting Rules16 Rules
  • How Fighting Fair Creates a Stronger RelationshipStronger Relationships
  • If You’re Struggling to Fight Fair, a Couples Therapist Can HelpGet Help
  • Final Thoughts on Fair Fighting RulesConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Fair Fighting Rules InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT
Written by:

Davina Tiwari

MSW, RSW, CSFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

It’s completely normal for people in any kind of relationship to sometimes disagree or argue. However, how the argument unfolds and the impact it has are just as important as the underlying topic of the argument itself. There are, in fact, fair fighting rules you can strive to implement and master that will help you maintain the relationship.

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What Can Cause Conflict In a Relationship?

There are many things that can cause conflict in a relationship. People are all different and have different life experiences and expectations, so when a couple comes together, there are bound to be disagreements and fights from time to time.

Causes of relationship conflict that can lead to fights include:

  • Control issues
  • Trust issues
  • Commitment issues
  • Infidelity
  • Individual history of trauma

What Does it Mean to Fight Fair?

Learning how to fight fair during a conflict so both people feel respected, heard, and valued as a member of the couple, family, friendship, etc. is crucial to build trust, motivate people to maintain the relationship, help deal with relationship conflict, and keep the relationship intact.1 If you don’t fight fair, emotional pain, distrust, and other complex emotions may result in the termination of the relationship.

Unhealthy Forms of Arguing

Fighting “fair” rules are in contrast to unhealthy forms of arguing, which include ignoring issues, making personal attacks, blaming, and name-calling. By incorporating teamwork, collaboration, compromise, and mutual goal-setting, peers, couples, and those in other sorts of relationships will be able to successfully overcome arguments and achieve higher quality relationships.1

Here are unhealthy forms of arguing:1, 2

  • Ignoring the problem
  • Personal attacks
  • Blaming
  • Criticizing
  • Name-calling
  • Defensiveness
  • Avoidance
  • Bringing up past issues
  • Showing contempt

16 Fair Fighting Rules

Rules or guidelines for fighting fair may help you come away from an argument or conflict with a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and both of your goals and needs. Rules include things like being open, staying focused, and sharing your emotions.

Here are sixteen rules for fair fighting:2,3,4

1. Stay Focused On the Issue at Hand

When an issue is escalating, try to keep your discussion streamlined. Doing so minimizes the likelihood that you will bring non-related issues into the conversation, which can only lead to further distress and irritation. By not bringing up past hurts and conflicts, you give yourself a better chance at resolving the current issue and moving forward with your future.

2. Talk Openly About the Problem

Shutting down, not fully engaging with the other person, and not devoting sufficient time to the matter won’t lead to a resolution. Make sure you give each other enough time and space to talk through the problem so everyone feels heard, respected, valued, and supported.

3. Share Your Feelings & Emotions

Are you angry? Sad? Scared? Frustrated? Lonely? Tell the other person how you are feeling. This promotes emotional intimacy and bonding. Showing vulnerability will keep you from becoming closed off from one another.

4. Listen to Each Other Without Interrupting & Pay Attention to Body Language

Listening to each other without interruption allows both people to get their points across clearly and demonstrates mutual appreciation. Also, notice the other person’s facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, speed of speech, and body positioning. Similarly, pay attention to your own body language in a tense situation.

5. Respect the Other Person’s Perspective

Even if you don’t agree with the other person, respect their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and ideas about how to move forward. Getting outside of your own mindset will help you see things from another point of view and can help you both take that first step toward positive change.

6. Reach a Compromise or Problem-solve to Find a Solution Together

You both might start to dig your heels into the ground about being “right.” Remember, there is no right or wrong, and insisting there is only further drives a wedge between you. Focus on reaching a mutually agreed upon compromise or solution that you can both feel good about.

7. Be Open About Your Needs, Expectations, Hopes, & Goals

Try being open about what you need in the relationship, your expectations, and your hopes and goals for the future (e.g., living situation, travel, family composition, career aspirations, financial goals, retirement, etc.). These are all things that you will want to get on the same page about to reduce the likelihood of future arguments and misunderstandings.

8. Focus On Issues That Are a Priority For You Both & Leave the Rest

Let go of matters that aren’t a huge priority for you; instead, devote more time to the core concerns that you both feel need to be addressed.

9. Be Mindful of the Time You Choose to Discuss a Problem

Starting an important discussion at the end of the day or early in the morning may not be the best idea. Consider discussing the problem at a time of day when you both feel like you can discuss the matter without too much interruption, a time when your focus, attention, and energy levels are ideal.

10. Take a Break if Needed to Calm Down & Commit to Resuming Later

Go to a different room or space in the home to give yourself space to relax. Make a plan to return to the discussion when you both feel more at ease. This could be later the same day or perhaps another day or evening after you have some time to think about the issue. To fully resolve the issue, you must devote a sufficient amount of time.

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Individual Therapy – Struggling to connect with your partner? Talk about it with a licensed couples counselor. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by OurRelationship, Ritual, and BetterHelp.

11. Don’t Stonewall Your Partner

Stonewalling, shutting down and refusing to talk to your partner, is a really harsh way of existing in conflict. Shutting your partner out sends a message that you do not value their opinion and in a time of conflict, that can do much more damage and make the conflict worse. It’s important to refrain from stonewalling as it also leaves your partner feeling isolated and alone in conflict, which doesn’t help anyone.

12. Set Clear Boundaries: Do Not Yell, Degrade, Threaten, or Curse

Raising your voice, threatening to leave or end the relationship, or swearing at the other person can only cause further divide and distress. Depending on the severity of the issue, responding this way can eventually lead to a point of no return. It is best to set healthy boundaries, stay calm, and focus on the key issue at hand to avoid the risk of saying something you’ll regret.

13. Take Responsibility For Your Role In the Disagreement

This helps maintain accountability and allows you both to see where your own biases, struggles, and expectations come into play. By owning your challenges, it shows that you recognize that you may also need to make some adjustments. Both people need to work on the areas where they would like to improve.

14. Manage Feelings of Resentment

Holding grudges and resentment can be detrimental to your relationship. Try to proactively deal with the issue and then move on. Circling back to past issues and challenges can have a negative effect on your relationship.

15. Don’t Make Assumptions

Sometimes, we try to fill in the gaps based on what we assume the other person is thinking or feeling. However, our assumptions stem from our own personal experiences, beliefs, and values, which may greatly differ from someone else’s. Rather than making assumptions or trying to “mind read,” which can further increase our frustration and anger, ask the other person about their viewpoints, concerns, and needs.

16. Move On After Resolving a Problem

Try not to dwell on the issue once you’ve reached a resolution. Moving on from it allows you and the other person to focus on your future relationship goals while also growing and deepening your connection.

How Fighting Fair Creates a Stronger Relationship

Research suggests that parents who model healthy conflict management can help their children achieve healthier, lower-conflict, more satisfactory relationships (both peer and romantic). They may even be able to influence the type of friends or romantic partners the child eventually chooses.1 Moreover, research suggests that children exposed to “fair” fighting tend to adopt a similar approach.

If You’re Struggling to Fight Fair, a Couples Therapist Can Help

A couples therapist can help couples incorporate adaptive conflict resolution techniques to resolve issues. They can also help you figure out your unique thought processes, emotional responses, and communication patterns, teasing out what is and isn’t effective.

How to Find a Therapist

If you feel dissatisfied, notice an increase in arguments, or are on the verge of separation/divorce, consider seeking professional help from an online therapist directory. You might also ask friends, family members, trusted coworkers, or your primary care physician (PCP) for a therapist recommendation.

Final Thoughts on Fair Fighting Rules

Once mastered, fighting fair rules may continue to be helpful as your relationship evolves and changes over time. By using healthy strategies to resolve conflict, you foster trust, mutual understanding, compassion, warmth, strength, and positivity in your relationships for years to come.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp

Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started

Ritual (Relationship Guidance) – Ritual provides guidance to individuals working to improve their relationship, or couples working jointly. Ritual combines video sessions led by a relationship expert, with short online activities. 14-day money-back guarantee. Try Ritual

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, Ritual, OurRelationship, and Mindfulness.com

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov
  • How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 20 Tips for a Healthy Relationship

Fair Fighting Rules Infographics

Fair Fighting Rules Fair Fighting Rules What Does It Mean to Fight Fair?

4 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Miga, E. M., Gdula, J. A., & Allen, J. P. (2012). Fighting fair: Adaptive Marital Conflict Strategies as Predictors of Future Adolescent Peer and Romantic Relationship Quality. Social development, 21(3), 446–460. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2011.00636.x

  • Sanderson, C.A. and Karetsky, K. (June, 2002). Intimacy Goals and Strategies of Conflict Resolution in Dating Relationships: A Mediational Analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 317-337. DOI: 10.1177/0265407502193002

  • Zucker, A. (April, 2021). 20 Tips for Fighting Fair in a Relationship. Retrieved from: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/tips-for-fighting-fair-in-relationship/

  • Segal, J., Robinson, L., and Smith, M. (October, 2020). Conflict Resolution Skills. Retrieved from:
    https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: July 30, 2021
    Original Author: Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT
    Original Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD

  • Updated: October 13, 2022
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “What Can Cause Conflict In a Relationship?” and “Don’t Stonewall Your Partner”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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Headshot of Davina Tiwari, MSW, RSW, CSFT
Written by:

Davina Tiwari

MSW, RSW, CSFT
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Can Cause Conflict In a Relationship?What Causes Conflict
  • What Does it Mean to Fight Fair?Fight Fair Meaning
  • Unhealthy Forms of ArguingUnhealthy Arguing
  • Fair Fighting Rules16 Rules
  • How Fighting Fair Creates a Stronger RelationshipStronger Relationships
  • If You’re Struggling to Fight Fair, a Couples Therapist Can HelpGet Help
  • Final Thoughts on Fair Fighting RulesConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Fair Fighting Rules InfographicsInfographics
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