How to Get Over a Narcissist: 13 Tips From an Expert

Why Is Getting Over a Narcissist So Hard?

Getting over any ex can be hard, as there’s often a grief process that accompanies breakups. But getting over someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often feels more complicated. You may have been abused physically, emotionally, or financially in your relationship, and the impact of that abuse can affect you in many ways. You may also be afraid your ex will hurt you, themselves, or someone else.

It’s also important to note that different types of narcissists respond to breakups differently. Someone with more covert tendencies might make subtle passive-aggressive comments about you to friends because they want others to take their side. Someone with more overt behavior might move on very quickly and flaunt their new relationship with you.

How to Get Over a Narcissist

There isn’t a quick trick for getting over anyone. The first step is allowing yourself to truly experience your emotions, including fear, sadness, guilt, or relief. Second, it’s important to commit to ending the relationship. Expect that your ex (or others) may try to pressure you to stay together. But it’s best if you stay absolutely dedicated to moving on.

Here are 13 tips for how to get over a narcissist:

1. Go No Contact

The no-contact approach is a straightforward strategy for moving on after a breakup. Embracing no-contact means cutting off all forms of communication. Don’t reach out on your own accord and don’t respond to phone calls, texts, emails, or social media messages. While this approach may seem dramatic, it may mitigate the potential for ongoing drama after your breakup.

2. Anticipate Potential Manipulation

Narcissistic manipulation tactics can include triangulation (using indirect contact to bring a third person into a dynamic), love bombing (excessive praise and flattery), smearing (trying to ruin your reputation by speaking poorly about you to others), and gaslighting. In addition, your ex might also try to exploit you as a way of getting your attention.¹

3. Try to Reconnect With Old Hobbies or Passions

It’s common for people to lose sight of their own individual interests when dating a narcissist. This is especially true if your ex criticized the things you enjoyed doing. Moving on can mean rebuilding a relationship with yourself, and it’s okay to start small. Try to think of the things you used to enjoy and start by pursuing one of those activities.

4. Write Down Your Reasons for Ending the Relationship

It can be helpful to outline why you’ve chosen to break up with your ex. Try to be as specific as possible. List the traits you dislike, the difficult moments you two shared, and the concerns you had about staying together in the future. Having this reference easily available can be an important reminder during moments of emotional weakness.

5. Surround Yourself With the Right Support

Aim to surround yourself with people who can validate and nurture you during this time of need. You will need emotional support, and there’s no shame in asking for help. With that, be mindful of leaning on mutual friends or family. Your ex may be communicating with them, and they might try to use others to leverage communication with you.

6. Ensure You Have the Right Lawyer

If you two were married, shared assets, or had children together, a breakup can become even more contentious. It’s essential to protect yourself legally, and you want to work with someone who specializes in emotional abuse or narcissism. With that, start building your case now- document as much as you can and save receipts, texts, or anything that could be used as evidence.

7. Store Belongings or Mementos

Your living space may still reflect the relationship you shared with your ex. If you don’t feel comfortable getting rid of everything immediately, store any reminders in a box and put it either in a closet or garage. You can deal with them later when your emotions don’t feel as intense.

8. Be Mindful of Tendencies to Rationalize

Rationalization refers to applying logic to justify unacceptable behavior. In psychology, rationalization can be a defense mechanism.² For example, you might find yourself saying, “Everyone loses their temper sometimes!” or “He was doing the best he could.” While rationalization can have some merit, overlooking your real emotions can profoundly complicate your healing process.

9. Try to Build More Self-Love & Self-Kindness

People with NPD may degrade and isolate their partners from others to maintain a sense of power and control. In the relationship, they saw a benefit in having you stay insecure- you needed to rely on them for resources and happiness. Healing starts with trying to improve your self-esteem. You can do this by focusing on your strengths, practicing affirmations, and regularly reminding yourself of your worth.³

10. Allow Yourself To Grieve

It’s okay to grieve for the relationship you didn’t have or a future that isn’t possible. It’s also okay to grieve for who you thought your ex could be for you. Grief is a natural emotion, and it’s reasonable to experience it after a significant loss.⁴ Allowing yourself to grieve means honoring your feelings and needs without immense judgment.

11. Be Mindful of Moving On Too Quickly

It can be tempting to jump into dating or enter another relationship soon after a breakup. While it’s a welcome distraction, doing so may actually perpetuate more pain. You may also not be in a state to truly attract the right kind of people, which can result in heightened emotional agony. With that, there is no arbitrary time for when it’s ready to date again.

12. Join a Support Group

Peer support groups can be valuable for people recovering from narcissistic abuse. These groups offer a sense of support, validation, and shared lived experience. In talking to others, you will gain insight about yourself and learn better ways to cope with your breakup. Look to see if you can find a local group facilitated by a therapist near you.

13. Stay Connected With Online Support

In addition (or instead of ) an in-person support group, many communities online offer shared healing for people deciding to end relationships with narcissists. For example, Reddit has the subreddits r/narcissisticabuse and r/domesticviolence. There are also Facebook groups and trending recovery-oriented hashtags on Instagram and TikTok. These free resources can act as constant reassurance and guidance throughout your journey.

What to Expect When Getting Over a Narcissist

It’s important to be realistic and compassionate to yourself during this time. You will likely oscillate between various emotions of anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear. These emotions are normal, but judging yourself for them may make them feel worse. Try to lean on your support and continue reminding yourself of the reasons why you’ve chosen to move on.

How Long Does it Take to Get Over a Narcissist?

There is no specific timeline for how long it takes to get over someone. Generally, the longer you’ve been in a relationship and the more serious the dynamics were, the longer it takes to heal. In addition, if abuse was involved, the moving-on process may feel even more complicated. Keep in mind that the intensity of your feelings will ebb and flow each day.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you’re struggling to get over your narcissistic ex, you’re not alone. But if you’re experiencing chronic depression, heightened anxiety, or trauma-related symptoms, you may benefit from seeking professional support. Relationship trauma can unfold after a breakup, and it can affect your physical and emotional health. Consider seeking in-person or online therapy– you can use an online therapist directory to get started.