Going No Contact With a Narcissist: Everything You Need to Know

What Is The No Contact Rule?

Going no contact with a narcissist means stopping and blocking all communication with the narcissist in your life who has caused you harm. The no contact rule protects you from further narcissistic abuse by removing opportunities for the narcissist to continue taking advantage of or manipulating you. If they cannot reach you physically, via text, or through social media, you can see their past actions more clearly and begin healing.¹

The no contact rule with a narcissist involves the following:

• No phone calls or texting with the person
• No contact via a third party
• Blocking them from your social media
• Not following them on their social media
• Not staying friends
• Not accepting gifts from them
• Not dwelling on thoughts of them
• Not planning to get revenge on them

Does No Contact With a Narcissist Work?

The no contact rule allows individuals to effectively deal with a narcissist when ending a romantic, familial, or platonic relationship is possible.² Still, coping strategies may be necessary if the narcissist is a parent, child, or boss. For example, no contact is not feasible when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Benefits of Going No Contact With a Narcissist

When possible, no contact with a narcissist allows you to safely protect yourself from further gaslighting, blaming, and invalid criticisms. Cutting communication with them offers a chance to check your own reality against their past distortions. You may prevent additional injury to your self-esteem and regain your sense of self.²

Many narcissists try to control others by interfering with their social contacts, so the no contact rule allows a chance to rebuild a social support network. Social support is essential when recovering from emotional abuse, particularly during the no contact period. Re-investing in relationships with supportive friends and family becomes easier without the interference of the narcissist.

Disadvantages of Going No Contact With a Narcissist

Narcissists have difficulty following guidelines and will likely try to lure you back into the relationship. They may try to win you back with narcissistic manipulation tactics or become aggressive and threatening.

Maintaining the no contact rule can be challenging for individuals worn down from narcissistic abuse. You may feel empathy and falsely believe the narcissist will change if given a second chance. However, remembering why you made a decision to go no contact is crucial when you stop reaching out to a narcissist.

What Does No Contact Do to a Narcissist?

Going no contact often negatively impacts the narcissist. Narcissists need admiration, control, and reassurance to maintain their self-esteem and inflated ego. When you cut off a narcissist, they lose their leverage over you, leading to a spiral of collapse, depression, or anger.

Cutting off contact may impact the narcissist in the following ways:²

• They will experience narcissistic collapse: Narcissistic collapse is a set of emotional and behavioral responses to threats or an inability to maintain a sense of superiority. The loss of attention and admiration following no contact may result in collapse.
• They want to regain their narcissistic supply: Narcissists need limitless admiration, special treatment, and validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-importance. The narcissist desperately seeks to regain this attention when their narcissistic supply dries up.³
• They feel bored, depressed, or anxious. Depression and anxiety are common experiences of narcissistic collapse.
• They deny that the relationship has changed: They ignore your boundaries because they are in denial of your decision to end your relationship with them.
• They feel challenged to get you back: Going no contact might lead the narcissist to try reaching and persuading you to return by any means necessary.
• They may feel intense anger: The anger might be self-directed (self-harming) or directed toward you. The frustration of their emotional needs could lead to less self-control and greater impulsiveness.

What Happens When You Go No Contact With a Narcissist?

Expect a wide range of reactions when going no contact with a narcissist. The narcissist may love bomb you, announce they left you first, or say you don’t deserve them. They may even seek revenge by spreading rumors to damage your reputation.

Some ways narcissists may react when you go no contact include:

• Love bombing: The narcissist might try to lure you back into the relationship by “love bombing” you with compliments, expressions of affection, or gift-giving. They hope to appeal to your prior romantic or idealized view of them.⁴
• Gaslighting: Narcissists intentionally distort the truth to make you doubt your recollection of events. Narcissistic gaslighting can cause you to question your own perceptions and decisions.
• Excessive calling, texting, or emailing: They may try to remind you of happy moments together, make promises to change their behavior, or become tearful to gain your sympathy.
• Reaching out via social media: The narcissist may continue responding to your posts or posting about you on social media to either get a response or win you back.
• Stalking you: The narcissist might show up at your home, work, or any place you frequent. Their motives could be to embarrass you, lure you back, or intimidate you.
• Contacting your family or friends: The narcissist might ask your family members or friends to relay messages to reach you or win you back.
• Seeking revenge: Cutting off a narcissist may result in smear campaigns to damage your reputation. They may seek revenge by spreading rumors. However, challenging these rumors violates the no contact rule, causing a setback in your recovery.
• Ending all contact with you: The narcissist might react by going no contact with you, too. They might claim they left you and quickly start a new relationship.

Is Going No Contact With a Narcissist Always Appropriate?

You should only go no contact when you are ready and able to cut off the narcissist permanently. However, the no contact rule will not prompt them to regret or change their hurtful behavior. Going no contact helps recover your mental health and well-being, not enact revenge.

The nature of your relationship with the narcissist will impact the decision to go no contact. It might not be possible to end all contact in certain relationships, such as with a parent, boss, co-worker, or co-parent. There are other strategies for coping with the narcissist in your life when no contact is not an option.

How to Go No Contact With a Narcissist

Going no contact with a narcissist is challenging, but you can successfully free yourself from their control. Properly preparing with emotional support can help you avoid breaking no contact with a narcissist.²

Here are nine tips on how to cope when cutting off contact with a narcissist:

• Let your support system know: Tell supportive friends or family members about your decision and ask for their emotional support. If you doubt your decision, this network can offer a reality check and encourage you to stay strong.
• Expect to experience mixed feelings: You may encounter hard days when you feel guilty, sad, or lonely and wonder if you are making the best decision. Mixed feelings is normal, assuming you once had a close relationship with the narcissist. You will likely continue to care about them for a while.¹
• Forgive yourself if you slip up: Going no contact can be incredibly challenging, and many individuals break guidelines on their first attempt. You may briefly forget how bad the relationship was or wonder if things are different now. Reset your resolve and recall your reasons for going no contact.
• Be ready to get help if you feel threatened: The narcissist might become angry and vengeful toward you due to frustration and poor impulse control. Having a safety plan is essential to prevent possible physical danger.
• Be aware that your support people may not understand your decision: Some people may judge you due to an inability to relate to your experience. They might urge you to “forgive” or give the narcissist a “second chance.” Having at least one person who understands and supports you is critical in situations like this.
• Enjoy the freedom from narcissistic abuse: You may experience mental clarity and self-compassion when you can value the freedom from narcissistic abuse and your own mental health.⁵
• Avoid reminding them of the no contact rules: Any reminders from you will be interpreted as attention, only reinforcing the narcissist’s efforts to reach you.
• Believe that it works: No contact is an effective way to end narcissistic abuse and begin to heal from past abuse. Commit to and believe in your decision.
• Seek help from a therapist: Many therapists recognize the effects of a narcissistic relationship and are ready to help you through the no contact process.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you struggle to maintain no contact with a narcissist or recover from narcissistic abuse, consider seeking professional guidance. You may be dealing with the residual effects of a narcissistic relationship if you feel constantly criticized, blamed, anxious, or depressed. Mental health professionals specializing in narcissistic behavior can help you recover from narcissistic abuse. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform are reliable ways to find a therapist.

In My Experience

If you’re considering going no contact with a narcissist, be prepared for what to expect from the narcissist and coping with your own emotional reactions. A therapist can be helpful in terms of managing your expectations and understanding your mixed feelings. In my experience, no contact works if you are fully ready to commit and have support.