Love bombing refers to intense emotions, affection, and admiration someone gives to another person in a relationship. Love bombing can happen at any stage of a relationship, but it’s more common when two people first meet. While all this attention may seem flattering, it can be dangerously manipulative. Some people use this tactic to gain trust and build intimacy quickly.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing essentially means continuously “bombing” your relational partner with flattery, compliments, and affections.1 This attention can come in various forms: gifts, long-winded messages, social media interactions, and passionate declarations of love.
However, love bombing isn’t purely altruistic. People use love bombing because they also want to feel praised and adored. Therefore, they will lavish their partners hoping that their partners will return the favor.
Interestingly, love bombing doesn’t just have its roots in romantic relationships. Research shows that cult leaders often employ these tactics to attract and retain members. Subsequently, even if a member leaves the cult, they often feel riddled with guilt, fear, and uncertainty regarding whether or not they’ve made the right decision – a hallmark of religious trauma.2 In addition, the same love bombing tactics may be used in other forms of psychological manipulation, such as with pimps, gang leaders, or toxic leaders.
Why Love Bombing Is Hard to Spot
Love bombing can be particularly dangerous because it’s often challenging to detect. After all, we’re well-versed in the belief that new relationships often feel tantalizing and euphoric. Furthermore, research shows that falling in love releases feel-good hormones like serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.3
As a result, it’s difficult to distinguish the dizzying sensation of falling in love from love bombing. We all want to enjoy the novelty of a new relationship. That’s why it’s essential to understand the critical warning signs before you become susceptible to further elements of abuse.
What Makes Someone Susceptible to Love Bombing?
Love bombers tend to be impatient. They often value power and control, and they want things to happen on their terms. Even if people “fall hard” in a new relationship, partners in healthy relationships respect that people need time to feel safe. They recognize that building trust and intimacy is an organic process.
Love bombers, however, often act as if they know you really well from the beginning. They are intent on getting close, and they seem to make you the center of their world very quickly. People with certain personality disorders (narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial) may be more prone to this behavior—they often rely on external sources for internal validation and safety.
11 Love Bombing Signs
Knowing the signs of love bombing is crucial for protecting your well-being and safety. If you’ve experienced love bombing in the past, you may be more aware of these behaviors. Having this insight can help you feel empowered before diving too deep into a new relationship.
Here are 11 love bombing examples and signs to watch out for:
1. Intense Declarations of Love
You’re their soulmate. Nobody understands them as you do. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to them. They repeat these sentiments often and remind you of your irreplaceable connection every chance they get.
While these compliments can seem flattering, they should be a red flag. First, it takes time to know someone, and falling in love shouldn’t happen overnight. Furthermore, true commitment and closeness transcend grandiose words.
2. Pressure for Commitment
It’s only been a few days, but they’re ready to make things official. Or, maybe it’s only been a few months, but they want you to move in or get married. The idea of commitment may seem exciting, but part of you keeps wondering if things are moving too fast.
All relationships move on different timelines. However, if you feel continuously pressured to commit to something you aren’t ready for, that should give you pause. Love bombers often use this tactic to “test” that their partner won’t leave.
3. Saying All the Right Things
No matter what the situation is, they always know how to make you feel better. They seem to read you so well. At first, this behavior may seem like a rare gift, and you might feel incredibly grateful. But, over time, it might feel somewhat hollow and even disingenuous.
Love bombers pay very close attention to other people. They’re often skilled in charm and social intelligence, so they know how to feign closeness. Real love isn’t perfect, but love bombers aim to behave perfectly, even when it’s entirely unrealistic.
4. Intense Clinginess
They want to spend every moment with you. They text or call you nonstop. They don’t know how to entertain themselves when you’re gone. As a result, they’re clingy and demand your time and attention as much as they can get it.
Clinginess often comes from a profound place of insecurity, and it can certainly manifest in love bombing. The love bomber wants you to be thinking of them at all times. Even if they can’t physically be with you, they want to ensure you have their attention.
5. Over-the-Top Gifts
Instead of a bouquet of roses, they send six bouquets. They give you fancy jewelry within the first few weeks. You commented on your laptop having issues, and they purchased you a new one. These gifts may seem kind, but they also feel excessive and awkward.
Gifts can be an act of love, but they can also be exploitative and emotionally manipulative. Love bombers, on a core level, hope that their recipients will feel indebted to their presents. As a result, they will have more power and control in the relationship.
6. Immense Jealousy
They get upset when you want to spend time with other friends or family. But it isn’t just about other people- they also get jealous of your work obligations, personal passions, and other interests. As a result, you may feel a combination of guilt and annoyance.
Some jealousy is normal in relationships, and not all forms of jealousy are destructive.4 But persistent, intense jealousy is manipulative. Furthermore, it tends to be toxic in maintaining intimacy and encouraging personal autonomy.
7. Dumping Their Personal Details Quickly
They revealed all their childhood trauma on the second date. You know everyone who has ever hurt them, and you’ve learned their entire medical and psychiatric history. While such honesty may seem admirable, it can also be an inauthentic form of intimacy.
Love bombers may share private information very quickly to establish empathy and closeness. They want you to feel like you’re unique and privy to their secret world. They want it to seem as if you two are more connected than you really are.
8. They Want to Know Everything About You Right Away
They’re fascinated by you. Your life seemingly mesmerizes them. But sharing so many details about yourself so quickly may seem unnerving. At this point, you might wonder why they’re so curious.
Love bombers are very interested in their partners. However, they often use sensitive information as a means of exploitation and abuse later in the relationship. In other words, they may take what you say as a way to control you, harm you, or damage your reputation.
9. Constant Validation
You feel like you’re always reassuring them. No matter how much you compliment them, it never seems like it’s enough. They keep coming back for more, and it’s leaving you somewhat exhausted and even resentful.
Love bombers often want continuous reassurance of their worth and greatness. Deep down, they feel incredibly insecure and fragile. As a result, they rely on you to affirm them.
10. Things Just Feel Off
Part of you might feel embarrassed about the intensity of your relationship. You may downplay it to other people because you don’t want to be judged. At some level, you may still be questioning if things are too good to be true.
Abusive relationships don’t always look black-or-white. That said, your intuition is powerful. If something continuously feels off (even if you really care about the other person), that’s worth examining.
11. Sudden Coldness or Withdrawal
Everything was great…until it wasn’t. They seemed to love every last bit of you, but now they seem annoyed, distant, or even angry. You have no idea where this change came from, but it’s alarming and confusing.
Love bombers cannot maintain the love bombing behavior forever. At some point, the perfect facade of the relationship cracks. Maybe you set a boundary. Or, perhaps you wanted to slow things down. Either way, they start seeing your flaws, and it becomes unacceptable to them.
Narcissistic Love Bombing & the Cycle of Abuse
Love bombing tends to be the first stage of a narcissistic cycle of abuse, and it’s often a tactic used by a narcissist in a relationship. Abuse from a narcissistic family member or friend can come in many forms, and it’s important to recognize the different types.5 As mentioned, love bombers cannot maintain this facade for very long. As a result of a loss of control, they start oscillating between love bombing, devaluing, and discarding.
Here’s what the cycle of abuse can look like:
- Love bombing: Love bombing is the intense pattern of adoration, flattery, and desire for closeness. Love bombers rely on this phase to build connection and maintain a sense of trust and intimacy.
- Devaluing: Devaluing, in a sense, is the opposite of love bombing. Devaluing refers to the criticism, put-downs, passive-aggression, or gaslighting used to hurt another person.
- Discarding: Discarding happens when the abuser decides to end the relationship. While this choice may sometimes be abrupt, it’s often chaotic, dramatic, and entirely confusing to the partner.
- Hoovering: Even though the abuser may “choose” to leave, they often check on their partners often. Then, like the Hoover vacuum, they may use various manipulation tactics to “suck them back” into their drama.
How to Respond to Love Bombing
Love bombing can undoubtedly feel frustrating, confusing, and upsetting. On the one hand, you might feel quite attached to your partner. You may still be hopeful that the relationship can succeed. On the other hand, part of you may feel worried about deeper levels of commitment. Keep in mind that these conflicting emotions are normal.
If you’re experiencing love bombing, it’s important to be honest with yourself about the situation. This behavior rarely improves on its own, and enabling it can result in devastating consequences for your well-being. Remember, it’s not your job to “save” the love bomber, and you cannot change their behavior.
Moreover, it’s essential to reach out for support. Consider talking to your close friends or a therapist about what’s going on. If they share concerns about your partner, don’t dismiss them. Chances are, they’re onto something that you might be trying to deny, minimize, or rationalize.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a safe and encouraging environment to explore your feelings about your relationship. Your therapist won’t tell you what you should do—instead, they will help you explore your options and support you in making the best decisions for your emotional well-being.
Consider looking for a therapist who specializes in relationship issues or narcissistic abuse. It may be beneficial to start your search using a therapist directory. Remember that therapy can take time and effort to be effective. In addition, you may need to interview or meet with a few providers before finding the best fit.
Final Thoughts
Love bombing is rarely innocent or benign. Instead, it often leads to complicated consequences for you and your other relationships. Learning the warning signs and getting help can make a tremendous difference in how you feel.
