How to Help Someone With Anger Issues

Signs That Your Loved One Has Anger Issues

Everyone gets angry, but someone with anger issues has chronic anger that’s consistently disproportionate to the situation. They struggle with emotional regulation and can become enraged at even the slightest misunderstandings. In more serious forms, their anger takes on the form of abuse. But even in milder forms, anger can make other people feel like they need to walk on eggshells.

Here are some signs that someone you love may have anger issues:

• Their anger seems like it’s out of control
• They are quick to blame others instead of holding themselves accountable
• They punch, throw, or hit inanimate objects
• They have become violent against others
• They engage in silent treatment when they get upset
• They become angrier when they drink alcohol
• They seek to have high levels of power and control
• They seem to consistently pick arguments with others

Impact of Anger Issues

Anger affects individuals and everyone around them. Perpetual anger issues, in particular, tend to make other people feel uncomfortable and even panicked. Loved ones might overly try to accommodate the angry person to avoid an emotional reaction. Other times, people find themselves constantly arguing with the angry person, but they may not find much resolution.

Ways that anger issues impact a person’s relationships include:

• Decreased or eroded emotional intimacy
• Trust issues
• Poor communication
• Resentment
• Loss of relationships

Ways that anger issues impact a person’s physical health include:¹

• Increased blood pressure
• Digestive problems
• Insomnia
• Risk of heart attack
• Headaches and migraines

6 Ways to Help Someone With Anger Issues

The most important part of helping someone with anger issues is clearly defining your role for yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions, and you should not assume the position of trying to please your loved one at every given moment. Instead, it’s important to set clear boundaries, model healthy communication, and request that your loved one seek help.

Here are six ways to help someone with anger issues:

1. Diffuse Tension in the Moment

If someone starts getting escalated, you can still focus on remaining calm and neutral. This may be hard, but meeting anger with more anger rarely fixes the problem. In most cases, it just makes the tension worse. By staying calm, you maintain a sense of composure, and this can protect your emotional well-being during heated moments.

Ways to diffuse tension in the moment include:

• Speak in a calm and even tone
• Don’t take the bait
• Practice active listening
• Try to find common ground
• Remember to breathe
• Disengage if needed

2. Set Ground Rules for Communication

It’s important to prioritize healthy communication in your relationship. This means that both parties should respect one another and communicate effectively and assertively. With that, hostile conversations are the antithesis of real connection. You are always entitled to set your boundaries, and the first step is identifying your own non-negotiables when it comes to how people communicate with you.

Here are some ground rules you can set:²

• No yelling
• No name-calling or direct criticism
• No physical harm
• No mean sarcasm guise as “just kidding around”
• Using respectful language during disagreements

3. Request They Get Professional Help

Anger issues may stem from unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. You alone may not be equipped to help your loved one with their stress. However, a therapist can help people learn how to better regulate their emotions and manage distress when it arises. Although change takes time, professional support often makes a meaningful difference.

It’s important to convey your concern about their well-being. At the same time, acknowledge how their anger affects you. Honesty is important. If you truly care about the relationship, it’s essential that you honor your own needs when having this vulnerable conversation. If your loved one respects you, they will respect what you have to say.

Here are effective treatment options for someone with anger issues:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for anger issues focuses on helping people understand their anger triggers and unhelpful thought patterns. By changing their thoughts, they can choose to react in more adaptive ways.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, all of which can help people who struggle with anger. While this modality was created for treating borderline personality disorder, it has been used to treat a variety of mental health issues.³
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT integrates mindfulness and behavioral strategies to help people struggling with anger. Instead of reducing the emotion, the goal is to distinguish values and learn how to act congruently to those values.
• Somatic therapy: Somatic therapy integrates the mind-body connection. Learning how to identify bodily sensations can help people better attune to their emotions and needs.
• Medication: While there are no specific medications for anger, people may benefit from taking psychiatric medication to manage mental health issues that exacerbate mood swings or reactivity. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, or antipsychotics may be considered based on the particular condition.
• Anger management classes: Anger management classes provide psychoeducation and practical coping skills for managing difficult moments. There are both in-person and online classes, such as Anger Class Online, available.
• Anger management therapy: Anger management therapy specifically helps people recognize and manage their anger. This therapy may be multifaceted and draw upon interventions from CBT, DBT, family therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and somatic therapy.

4. Focus on Taking Care of Yourself

Regardless of how your loved one manages their emotions, it’s crucial that you focus on taking care of yourself. Self-care can help you think clearly and maintain a more balanced perspective. It also maintains a sense of dignity and self-respect, which are crucial for looking after your own needs while in a relationship.

Ways to take care of yourself include:

• Attend a support group: Consider attending your own support group to connect with like-minded individuals. This support can remind you that you’re not alone, and you may learn new ways to cope with your stress.
• Create a safety plan: Safety plans can be especially important if you are in a violent or emotionally abusive relationship. Even if you don’t use this plan, you should identify safe people and places that can help you if you choose to leave your current situation.
• Focus on your own interests: Try to prioritize spending time engaging in meaningful hobbies and activities. It’s important to maintain your own identity regardless of what the other person does.
• Prioritize your physical health: Ensure that you’re eating properly, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep. While these strategies may not inherently fix the situation at hand, nurturing your body can improve your emotional state.
• Build your support system: Many people in unhealthy relationships isolate themselves from others or lose connections with close family or friends.⁴ But even in loving dynamics, it’s important to have external support.
• Manage stress proactively: If you love someone with anger issues, you might find yourself engaging in their same habits over time. You can counteract this by identifying your own stress triggers and practicing adaptive coping skills.
• Limit blaming yourself: Your loved one’s anger is not your fault. Remind yourself that every adult is responsible for how they manage their emotions.

5. Validate Positive Reactions to Anger

If your loved one is actively trying to work on their anger, you can reinforce their efforts. While there’s no need to excessively praise, highlight how hearing new responses or witnessing them using different coping skills makes you feel. If they are adhering to therapy or other sources of support, express your gratitude for them accepting help.

6. Give Them Space

Working through anger issues can be hard, and one of the worst things to tell someone in the heat of the moment is to calm down. If things are getting escalated, give them space to calm down and think more rationally. Leave the room or consider spending a few hours apart. This can naturally help with diffusion.

How Not to Help Someone With Anger Issues

It’s important to remember that it’s not your job to control or change someone’s emotional state. As much as possible, try to avoid taking their reactions personally or lashing out in response. You aren’t responsible for what someone ultimately decides to do with their anger. While it’s okay to have empathy for someone’s emotions, empathy alone should not justify someone hurting you or someone else.
Can Someone With Anger Issues Change?

People can improve how they respond to anger, and it’s possible to become more grounded and calm. With that, sustainable change takes time, intention, effort, and repetition. It’s important to remember that change may not happen on your terms. If someone changes, they have to want to do the work, even when it feels challenging.

What If Someone With Anger Issues Doesn’t Want Help?

It can be frustrating and lonely to care about someone who doesn’t want to work on their anger. At some point, it may be worth evaluating this relationship. Do you want this person to have a significant role in your life? What would changing the dynamic feel like for you?

Ultimately, you need to decide if you’re willing to accept these anger issues for what they are. Remember that authentic love and connection are never abusive. There is no reason people should treat you critically or with such hostility. Although setting boundaries or leaving a relationship is hard, these changes may be the most important decisions you make for yourself.

When to Seek Professional Support

Loving someone with anger issues often feels stressful and discouraging. You may feel stuck in people-pleasing patterns or building your own resentment. If you’re concerned about your actual safety or the safety of other loved ones, you also may feel scared or stuck about what to do next. You are not alone, and professional support can make a significant difference.

A therapist can provide support during this vulnerable time and help you explore your options. Your therapist will not tell you what to do. Rather, they will offer a space for you to process your emotions and clarify your goals for what matters most to you in life. You can look through our extensive online therapist directory or try an online therapy platform to find a therapist.

In My Experience

While anger is a normal reaction that everyone experiences, living with someone who chronically lashes out or copes with anger maladaptively can be incredibly difficult. It’s important to look after yourself and be mindful of your limitations when trying to help. While you can’t control how other people react, you can focus on protecting your own peace. Remember that you are entitled to identify your needs and set healthy boundaries in all your relationships, this is the basic tenet of self-respect, and you deserve to prioritize that.