22 Tips for How to Communicate in a Relationship

Here are 22 tips for improving communication with your partner:

1. Practice Active Listening

Listening to understand is most important when communicating. Most people just listen and think about what they want to say, however, listening to understand allows for clarification without assumption. When we think of communication, we may think of only speaking, when it also consists of listening.

Do not just focus on the words, but also the message your partner is sharing. Let your partner know you are listening by responding in a way that highlights what they say. This can be done by showing them you are listening by having a good attitude and giving attention. This will help you be in the moment and allow your partner to feel heard.

2. Communication Is Not Only Verbal, So Pay Attention

“You can show understanding by communicating what you see from your partner’s non-verbal behaviors. For example, say you and your partner sit and talk about your day with each other to decompress for 15 minutes. Your partner mentions missing a deadline and being reprimanded. You notice their body language changes and they lose eye contact with you. You could say, ‘I noticed you dropped your head when you were telling me about not meeting your deadline. Do you want to share more about how you are feeling?’” – Ammereta Gaskin, LMFT, Therapist & Owner of Refined Vision Therapeutic Services

3. Share Your Thoughts & Feelings, Not Events

“If you didn’t like the situation the first time, you won’t like it the second time. Many couples get into arguments because they keep retelling the same story over and over. It’s okay to use the event as context, but it’s far more important to share how you feel and even more important how you want to feel in the future. We connect emotionally with our partners, so you have to share emotions to have that connection.” – Dr David Helfand, PsyD

4. Never Speak in Absolutes

“Avoid saying things like, ‘you always/never do this’ or ‘you’re always/never like this.’ These statements are generally inaccurate and only serve to shut down communication and foster negative feelings. Instead, focus on specific behaviors or incidents you want to see changed or addressed. Speaking in ‘I’ statements can also help communicate needs or wants in a non-blaming way. For instance, ‘I feel hurt when you speak to me like that’ conveys the same message as ‘you’re always yelling at me,’ but is more likely to lead to a productive conversation.” – Joni Ogle, LCSW, CSAT

5. Stop & Think Before You Talk

Take a minute to stop and think about what you are going to say. Be aware of what you want your partner to receive and vice versa. When you take time to understand what they are saying, you can be in control of your reactions and responses.

Take notes so you can share your thoughts with your partner in a clear and simple way, or try having structured conversations. This will help you to identify your triggers and allow you to share your feelings without blame or defense mechanisms. Your partner will then feel as if they can let their guard down and listen to you without having negative self-doubts.

6. Would You Speak to Anyone Else the Way You Speak to Your Partner?

“Couples can devolve into a place where they feel justified speaking poorly to their partner. They feel it’s justified because that person has hurt them or made them feel a particular way and they have earned this right to shoot back. However, when individuals are asked if they would speak to a friend, boss, parent, sibling, or stranger that way, they will usually say no. They learn that they do not have this entitlement to speak to their partner however they see fit and they have modulated their feelings with others. They lose sight that being intimate does not mean you get to be blunt.

There is a difference between being genuine and brutally honest. They also learn that they have chosen to speak to their partner like this much the same way they have chosen NOT to speak to others in this way. They can start to feel that communicating appropriately is within their control and not something that just happens because they feel a particular way.” – David Tzall, Psy.D.

7. One Person in the Spotlight at a Time

“In a good conversation, there is usually a speaker and a listener. The listener is steering the conversation in some cases but also validating and offering authentic curiosity to the speaker. If both people are trying to be the speaker, then neither one is likely to feel heard. I often tell couples, if you have ever accused your partner of repeating themselves, that is likely your fault actually. It is the listener’s job to make the speaker feel heard.” – Dr David Helfand, PsyD

8. Be Direct & Specific While Speaking

“Oftentimes, we add what I call the ‘fluff’ to what we are sharing in our relationships. If you want your partner to understand you and what you need, it helps to remove the fluff and be direct and specific with what you are sharing. A framework for doing this is the following: ‘I appreciate (fill in the blank). I feel (fill in the blank). I need/want (fill in the blank).’ I appreciate it when you help me clean up after dinner. I feel exhausted from work. I need help with the household chores we need to get done today. The more you can be direct and specific with your partner, the better chance they will understand you and be able to support you.” – Rachel Elder, LMHC

9. Ask for Clarification

When you find you are in a conversation and you do not understand what the other person is saying, ask questions to gain more insight. If you ask for clarification, you leave little time to assume what the other person means and you reduce the risk of assuming the worst. This is helpful so you do not fill in any gaps yourself and create a false narrative. When you ask questions, you are giving the other person a chance to explain what they mean and this creates more connection.

10. Be a Detective Seeking to Understand Your Partner’s Feelings

“What we all needed from a very young age as children, was someone to identify and validate how we felt. When we feel our partner being curious about what our experience is like, the defensive part of us, the protector, diminishes rapidly. Try saying to your partner when they are frustrated or angry (even when you don’t know why or agree with it), ‘I’m guessing you’re angry or frustrated.’ Then wait.

They will clarify or say yes. If they clarify, ‘No, I’m overwhelmed.’ Then say it back immediately, ‘You’re overwhelmed.’ This will help your partner feel cared for and seen. It will show them that you are tracking them and it also gives you something to do when you don’t know how to help them not feel overwhelmed.” – Celeste Labadie, LMFT

11. Avoid Making Assumptions About What Your Partner Is Thinking or Feeling

“Just because you would feel a certain way in a particular situation doesn’t mean that your partner experiences those same emotions. It’s important to ask questions and express curiosity about what they are going through rather than making assumptions.” – Joni Ogle, LCSW, CSAT

12. Use Reflections, Like “I Hear…”

In order to let your partner know you understand what they are saying, it is helpful to use reflections. This is a method of repeating back what they said to you. When you do this, you are validating their feelings and showing you heard them. This can also be helpful in problem solving as it helps in dealing effectively with any issue or setback.

Some examples of starting a sentence using reflections include, “I hear you saying…”, and “It sounds like you feel…”. Once your partner recognizes that you are willing to listen and understand, they will feel more secure in sharing their thoughts and opinions in which you may find more resolution.

13. Use a Talking Stick

“A talking stick is an ancient Native American communication technique that you can use for discussing sensitive topics or seeking feedback from your partner. The talking stick doesn’t have to be a stick; it can be anything from a pen to a piece of paper. Whoever holds the stick gets to talk first for one minute without interruption. After the first minute, the stick switches hands and the partner who was listening becomes the speaker.

As the new speaker, you will need to restate what your partner shared to confirm that you heard correctly. You may also ask questions to clarify points made by your partner. If there isn’t any clarification required, then go ahead and take a minute to reflect on how what was said affected you. When time is up, your partner takes the stick, seeks clarification, and then proceeds to give a response.  Repeat this process until the two of you reach some form of agreement even if it’s to shelf the conversation until another time.

The talking stick is a great tool for couples who struggle with conflict resolution because it helps them understand each other better. This technique is meant to slow the conversation down and allow both individuals to share. When using this tool, try to keep things lighthearted. Don’t get too serious or emotional as this could lead to increased tension instead of resolving the issue at hand.” – Colleen Wenner, LMHC MCAP LPC

14. Know Your Intent & Purpose

Knowing your intent allows you to be aware of the purpose of what you say. This reduces your reaction to being defensive and protecting yourself. Most of the time, we speak to defend our point of view. Identifying what your intent is, gives you time to understand what you want your impact to be on the relationship. Most of the time we want to connect with our partner though we can push them away with our reactions. Being focused on your intent is helpful in keeping you focused on what you want to happen in the moment.

15. No Isn’t Always a Complete Sentence

“For any intimate relationship where you genuinely care about someone and how they experience a relationship with you, it’s helpful to give a little tenderness when delivering a “No.” When asked something that you’re a NO on, see if you can offer an alternative of what is a YES for you. ‘That’s not going to work for me, but if you can push the time an hour, I’ll be all yours.’ Or, ‘I can’t pick up the kids tonight but I have time to call a few neighbors to see who’s available and get back to you in an hour.’ When you offer something that is genuinely a yes, it can create a softening to receive your no and can help create connection where a straight, ‘Nope can’t make it work,’ definitely creates disconnection, resentment, and hurt.” – Robyn Cullen, LMFT

16. Be Open-Minded to Your Partner’s Perspective

Being open-minded means that you are considering the other person’s words and making an effort to understand. When you take time to consider your partner’s point of view, you create a safe space for them to share their thoughts and beliefs. Openness reflects the capacity of a person to receive information from others.¹
This helps to show your partner that you will not be upset when you are wrong or when you have your idea challenged. This shows maturity and growth within the relationship.

17. Repair Frustrations Within 24 Hours

“Repair isn’t about fixing the problem necessarily. It’s more about repairing if things were said or done that hurt each other. By agreeing to repair within 24 hours, make an appointment to do so when you both have cooled off. This allows you both to be able to collect your thoughts, get clear on the most important part of the repair for you, and to make sure the interaction doesn’t go to long term memory storage in your brain.

This is vital so you don’t accrue a series of resentments. Repairing sooner than later will ensure that resentments and frustrations stay minimal between you.

Agree with each other on the plan. Here’s an example of what that could look like:

• Partner A: ‘I’d like to talk about this later. Will 7pm after dinner work for you?’
• Partner B: ‘I want to talk about this too. 7pm works. I request that we put our phones away and shoot for 45 minutes on this one subject.’
• Partner A: ‘I can do that. Good idea to put our phones away and have a time frame.’”  – Celeste Labadie, LMFT

18. Be Honest + Kind. Seriously.

“People would MUCH rather be hurt by an honest ‘no thanks’ than an avoidant/dishonest ‘yeah sure.’ When you say yes because you think your partner wants that or because you think you’ll avoid conflict by doing so, you’re setting everyone up for failure. Unfortunately, when you’re dishonest, there’s a shift in your energy. And your partner will sense it. So it will serve everyone for you to be honest, say how you REALLY feel and do it with kindness. It can even help decrease the tension if you share how difficult it is to say this to them, because they and their feelings really matter to you. Let them see you being human and it can soften things.” – Robyn Cullen, LMFT

19. Anything From Over 2 Months Ago Is Off Limits

“When you and your partner are repairing something that just happened, agree to not bring in any material (past experiences) that occurred more than 2 months before. Why? Because it will derail the current issue and you’ll both be triggered by something that you cannot fix from this vantage point.

Agree first when you are both resourced: ‘Can we make past frustrations over 2 months ago off limits in future conversations? I want us to have more success in repairing tension so we remember the positives more than the negatives.’

If you both agree (it could be 1 month or 3 months too), remind each other calmly if one of you brings up the distant past: ‘Let’s stay current with each other. We’ve agreed to not bring the past up in conversations. If you want to talk about that thing, we can do it a different time separate from what we’re talking about now.’” – Celeste Labadie, LMFT

20. Learn to Compromise

When you make time to have a conversation with your partner, you can work together to find ways to compromise. In most relationships, each partner has different ways of communicating. For example, one may be better at listening and one may be better at expressing themselves.

Compromise would include using a certain phrase to share with your partner to meet their communication needs in the moment. Each person will focus on their feelings and express themselves in the way they know their partner will receive it rather than reacting to the other person’s behaviors. Compromise helps you work together rather than escalating future situations.

21. You Always Have the Right to Change Your Mind

“We’re often taught that changing our minds after an agreement is made means we’ve ‘gone back on our word,’ or worse, ‘we must have been lying before.’ But, as adults, we often DO change our minds about many things. And that’s not only perfectly ok, it’s also a sign of emotional + intellectual maturity. Changing your mind is usually due to gaining new information – whether it’s a new experience, a new idea, or new data. What MUST accompany changing your mind on something that was agreed upon with your partner, is a conversation BEFORE any action is taken. Come to your partner with kindness and honesty and let them know you’ve changed your mind about something and you’d like to talk about how to navigate things going forward – BEFORE any action is taken. Come up with a plan together.” – Robyn Cullen, LMFT

22. Check In Before You Check Out!

“Assign a monthly or bi-monthly time for intentionally checking in with your partner. For example, every third Friday of the month for 30-45 minutes we have a date that is focused on checking in on needs, unmet requests and to share appreciation for each other! Consider questions such as:

• Tell me about some of your wins this month?
• Were there any moments where you may not have felt heard or understood by me?
• Do you have any date ideas that you want to schedule for quality time?

A ‘check in’ does not have to be long at all, just enough to satisfy what you both need from each other. Oftentimes, couples miss this opportunity and want to check in after or during a conflict. One or both partners are already defensive which creates tension where one person, or both, check out!” – Ammereta Gaskin, LMFT, Therapist & Owner of Refined Vision Therapeutic Services