Passive Communication: Definition, Examples, & How to Handle It

What Is Passive Communication?

Passive communication styles include overall patterns of submissive attitudes, people-pleasing tendencies, and deferring to others’ preferences. People with this communication style avoid stating their thoughts and opinions to avoid conflict, discomfort, or guilt associated with self-advocation.

Examples of Passive Communication

If you work, live, or have a relationship with a passive communicator, they likely behave and speak in recognizable ways. Physical signs of passive communication include positioning oneself to look small, casting eyes downward, and wringing hands. Passive communicators may also hunch their shoulders, put themselves done, or constantly apologize for otherwise normal behavior.

Examples of passive communication include:

• Frequent apologizing while asking for something they need
• Saying, “Here we go again…”
• Saying, “I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.”
• Loud sighing
• Saying, “I wish someone could remember to buy milk.”
• Shrugging and saying, “That’s fine, I guess.”
• Saying, “Let’s just do whatever you want.”
• Using self-deprecating language
• Meek behavior and speech
• Expressing guilt when communicating needs
• Giving in to others’ opinions or suggestions
• Frequent indecisiveness

What Causes Passive Communication Styles?

Habitual passive communicators don’t necessarily lack social skills but may hold negative internal self-beliefs. For example, passive communication styles often stem from underlying fear, guilt, and helplessness. Some people struggle to communicate due to fear of conflict or these uncomfortable feelings.

People raised by parents or caregivers who practiced passive communication may adopt this style, too. As children, perhaps they learned that expressing their needs resulted in consequences or disappointment, leading them to believe self-advocation can be scary. As they age and reach adulthood, they may still hold to this belief developed in childhood.

Impacts of Passive Communication

At first glance, passive communication styles can appear kind, thoughtful, or even easygoing. However, concerns develop over time. Consequences you may experience due to your own passive communication include frustration, lack of support, and an inability to fulfill one’s needs. Additionally, passive communication can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, furthering relationship struggles and challenges.¹

People who use passive communication may also feel out of control in their own lives. These individuals struggle to assert themselves, often to their detriment. Others may make decisions for them due to their inability to be clear and reliable about their wants and needs.

Are There Benefits of Passive Communication?

In some cases, people can use passive communication to diffuse tense situations and resolve problems. For instance, people in danger may use passive communication to prevent harm. The person may calm an aggressor by allowing them to control a conversation or circumstance until reaching a safe solution. In the workplace, management can use passive communication to empower employees.

Mental Health & Passive Communication

Sometimes, passive communication is a symptom of other mental health concerns or conditions. People may have a history of trauma, social anxiety disorder, or low self-esteem. Some researchers even argue that neurodivergent individuals may be more prone to engage in this communication style.

Mental health concerns associated with passive communication may include:

• Past trauma: People who grew up in dysfunctional environments with unhealthy communication styles often struggle to express their needs and wants in adulthood.
• Low self-esteem: Low self-esteem can contribute to passive communication because some people may feel undeserving of expressing their thoughts and feelings.
• Social anxiety: Social anxiety disorders may increase the likelihood of passive communication. Some individuals may feel nervous around others, choosing to keep their opinions and needs to themselves rather than potentially cause conflict or disagreement.
• Insecurity: Those who feel insecure or lack confidence may lean toward passive communication because they feel uncomfortable expressing themselves.
• Poor social skills: Those who lacked the opportunity to develop healthy social skills or who adopted unhealthy social skills during important developmental stages often communicate with passive styles.²
• Neurodivergent traits: One study found that participating children with passive communication styles had less attention capacity and mental focus than children with assertive communication styles.³ Therefore, there could be a link between ADHD or other neurodivergent traits and communication styles.

How to Tell if You’re a Passive Communicator

One of the main signs of passive communication is an inability to express concerns or needs to others. You may be a passive communicator if you struggle asserting yourself, asking for help, or over-apologizing.

Below are questions to ask yourself if you think you are a passive communicator:

• “Am I uncomfortable about asking for what I need?”
• “Do I worry others will become upset with me if I have a different opinion?”
• “Do I try to avoid being difficult or needy?”
• “Do I often try to avoid conflict?”
• “Do I sometimes feel resentful or upset that others do not notice my needs?”

How to Deal With Passive Communication

Being on the receiving end of someone who communicates passively can be difficult. You may struggle to understand passive communicators’ intentions or worry you are taking advantage of their kindness. To prevent misunderstandings, be direct, use open-ended questions, and speak honestly when conversing with a passive communicator.

Below are tips for having a conversation with passive communicators:

• Be direct: Speak directly and clearly when dealing with a passive communicator. Any indirect references or statements can further create miscommunication and frustration.
• Use open-ended questions: Unlike closed-ended questions, open-ended questions can open the door for self-expression and advocacy.
• Try to negotiate: Negotiating is a great way to ensure everyone’s needs are acknowledged and valued.²
• Ask follow-up questions: Ask questions after you and this person come to a decision. For example, “I saw you hesitate back there. Are you sure you are okay with this?” Questions like this give them a chance to reconsider or share opposing opinions.
• Be honest: Telling the person how you feel about their communication style may encourage them to be honest about their thoughts and opinions. They are likely unaware their behavior is noticeable.

9 Ways to Improve Your Passive Communication Style

Passive communicators can benefit from adopting more assertive communication approaches. These changes can help them become more self-aware and empowered in their decisions, opinions, and life.

Assertive communication allows you to respect and honor yourself without insulting or offending others. You may worry about others’ opinions when you express your needs, but remember you deserve attention and support, too. Start small and work your way toward improving self-expression and advocacy.

Below are nine tips for improving your passive communication style:

1. Keep practicing assertiveness: Start by asserting yourself in easy-to-navigate situations. For example, tell your barista you prefer one coffee blend over another at the local cafe.
2. Learn how to say no: Learning to say “no” is essential when developing assertive communication. You do not always have to agree with others’ wants, plans, or decisions.
3. Self-monitor throughout conversations: Being mindful of how you communicate is helpful. Ask yourself what you really want from a situation. Are you avoiding something you want to say? Are you holding back your opinion? Answer these questions and change your communication to find solutions.
4. Notice feelings: Examining your response when communicating can help you develop more self-awareness.
5. Give yourself a second chance: It is okay to go back and say, “I didn’t speak up a minute ago, but I feel like…”
6. Ask for clarification: If you struggle to understand what a person is saying, ask them to clarify what they mean and expand on their statements.
7. Be clear when you speak: Avoid fillers such as “Um,” “Maybe,” and “Well.” Doing so can help you be more direct and honest.
8. Practice body language: Be mindful of your body language when speaking to develop insight into how others perceive you.
9. Be mindful of nonverbal communication: Do you look down at your feet when speaking? Do you avoid eye contact? These behaviors are not necessarily wrong but can affect how others receive your words.

When to Seek Professional Help

Occasional passive communication is unlikely a cause for concern. However, there are instances when you should consider seeking professional help. If you struggle to express your needs or feel guilty after doing so, consider using an online therapist directory to find a therapist. Therapy can help you develop assertive communication techniques for expressing yourself honestly and productively.

In My Experience

In my experience, people seldom use healthy communication styles during every conversation. We all likely act or communicate passively at times. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you have communicated passively. Recognizing the problem is a huge step toward unlearning this habit.