Narcissists tend to get extremely angry and volatile, especially toward those they’re fighting with. Many people who are arguing with a narcissist cope by simply leaving the conversation or avoiding them. For others, they try to stick around and deescalate the argument. This can be extremely challenging but with time and patience, it is possible.
What is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and as a result, views themselves in a higher than thou attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things.1 They tend to have a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy and a need to be admired by all. They often have deep-rooted insecurities and fears which are covered by these narcissist traits.
Key Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult, whether it’s someone you’re in a relationship with, your parents, your boss, or your mother-in-law. The arguments and fights which ensue with narcissists are extremely draining and emotional and can impact your mental health. Knowing these phrases can be a key step in cutting a narcissist off from their narcissistic supply and preventing you from being an on-going victim of their abuse.
The following are 16 key phrases to disarm a narcissist:
1. “Your Anger Is Not My Responsibility”
This resets the playing field so that they cannot make you a source of their narcissist supply to soothe their emotions. To add, this statement is very grounding and draws a very clear boundary of what you will and will not be responsible for.
2. “I Can’t Control How You Feel About Me”
This sets the precedent that their emotions are their responsibility and that their reaction won’t change your behavior. This statement also reinforces that you only have control over yourself and others have control over themselves, and you will not be made to feel responsible for others’ emotions.
3. “I Hear What You’re Saying”
This allows the narcissist to feel heard, which might be all you want to say if you want to de-escalate and not further discuss the point of contention. This statement may be one of the fastest ways to de-escalate a narcissist because feeling heard is a common desire everyone has. While you may not agree with what the narcissist is saying, simply stating you hear what is being said can be enough in the moment.
4. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
You can feel sorry for someone else without being sorry about your boundaries, which is important when arguing with a narcissist. This makes the narcissist responsible for their emotions while potentially helping them be heard so they don’t further escalate an issue.
5. “Everything Is Okay”
This helps to make it clear to the narcissist that this will pass and they are ok or going to be ok. Given that narcissists have no self-awareness, it’s likely they cannot reconcile high conflict or intense emotions. Saying things will be ok gives them the reassurance and/or validation they don’t know they need.
6. “We Both Have a Right to Our Own Opinions”
This makes it clear that they can have their opinion, and making sure it’s clear that you know their words are opinions, and not facts. To add, it’s important to make this statement so they know they are also being heard and to reset the playing field of the conversation.
Narcissists will want to feel superior and be in control of the conversation, but stating this makes it clear that you won’t allow that to happen but you can respect that they are going to have their own opinions as well.
7. “I Can Accept How You Feel”
Don’t fight a narcissist when you disagree with them because you won’t convince them or change their mind. Simply saying that you accept their opinion or how they feel without fighting back cuts off their supply.
8. “I Don’t Like How You’re Speaking to Me so I Will not Engage”
Saying this sets a boundary. They feed off of triggering you, so knowing that you won’t participate in a fight will cut off their supply. For this to work, it’s important that you don’t cave in when the narcissist inevitably persists in engaging you.
9. “I Am not Going to Argue Anymore”
Very clear message that you will not continue to engage in an unproductive fight. Again, for this to work it’s important you stand your ground and walk away.
10. “I am Capable of Doing What I Want Regardless of What you Think”
This makes it clear that you are ok with your perspective and that it’s not changing and that you are also making it clear that their opinion in this situation won’t shape your behaviors.2
11. “I Understand”
This makes it clear that you are indeed understanding what they are saying. You are not stating that you agree, but that you understand. Narcissists have a deep need to feel understood and heard and seen, so stating you are understanding will help a narcissist feel less agitated.
12. “We Can Agree to Disagree”
Like a few other phrases, for this to work, it’s important you double down on this and don’t feed into the temptation to engage in an argument. You may feel like you want to prove or convince the narcissist of something, but that will not work. Simply agreeing to disagree gives the narcissist the knowledge that their opinions and perspective was heard.
13. “I See Where You Are Coming From”
This phrase helps the narcissist to also feel understood. It helps them to feel that their thought process makes sense, even if you don’t agree with their interpretation of it.
14. ”I Want to Share how I Feel”
Using “I” statements is always best, as it keeps blame off of others and makes you the owner of how you feel. Sharing how you feel can humanize the interaction, and though the narcissist may not care, it’s possible they will ease off if they feel you are interpreting yourself as a victim. They will likely then try to use tactics to portray themselves as a victim, in which case the anger will likely dissipate and de-escalation will be made easier.
15. “Your Perspective Is Interesting”
This statement makes it appear that their perspective is neither bad nor good, but interesting. It allows for the narcissist to sit in their feelings, trying to understand and makes them pause. The pause can be a good moment to use another phrase to further calm down the situation.
16. “Can We Aim to be Respectful in our Conversation?”
This phrase used as a question is more rhetorical, but when used literally, it can level the conversation so it is not so emotionally charged.
When to Seek Professional Help
As soon as you begin to notice these narcissistic traits and tendencies in your relationship, it’s important to get help. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. The question “Are narcissists dangerous?” can be a legitimate concern, so appropriate caution should be considered. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of these relationships such as narcissistic abuse and narcissistic rage, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind.3
Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic relationship dysfunction or disarming a narcissist as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to the major gaps in self awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement.
A great way to find a therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits, both of which allow people an opportunity to get help during the pandemic.
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced.
Final Thoughts
What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with a narcissist relationship, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area of personal growth can make a big difference in how you feel and cope. Learning and knowing more about these phrases can help protect you from the narcissists in your life.
