Narcissists seek a constant supply of attention and admiration which is referred to as narcissistic supply. To gain this attention, narcissists will often use a “false self” that is likeable to attract people to them. However, because narcissists are all about protecting themselves and are unable to make healthy connections, they tend to target people who are more vulnerable in order to feed their supply.
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What Is Narcissistic Supply?
Attention-seeking behavior—positive or negative—is referred to as narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires, and even demands, limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. In essence, narcissistic supply is how the narcissists cope with the world in making it a safe place for them to thrive.
Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not narcissistic in nature. We all need to feel heard and have a sense of belonging. But narcissists crave this attention like an addict needing their fix. Narcissists will deliberately find or create situations in which they are regularly at the center of attention. Narcissists are never satisfied—no matter how much attention they receive, it will never be enough.
Some common forms of narcissistic supply are:4
- Accomplishments, such as winning
- An addictive substance or activity
- Attention
- Compliments or praise
- Emotional energy (can be positive or negative)
- Feeling powerful (having power over you)
- Feeling in control (being able to control you, and thus, their environment)
- Finances
- Living arrangements
- Sex
- Status
The list is not exhaustive and narcissistic supply can be as unique as the individuals involved.
All of a narcissist’s attention is focused on how they will obtain their supply. Narcissists seek individuals that are easily lured in by their charm and naive to their manipulation and exploitation. The narcissist’s cravings are not limited to romantic relationships. You can experience a narcissist in your family, as a friend, in the workplace, and various social settings. No matter the case, the narcissist will use anyone to boost their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, even if it hurts the people closest to them.
Once the supply is received, the narcissist will soon become low or empty. Trying to meet their needs is draining and useless. Feeding narcissistic supply is like trying to fill a bottomless pit.
How Does Narcissistic Supply Function for a Narcissist?
Typically, the narcissist was not properly loved as a child. Narcissists often harbor forbidden feelings of aggression towards their caregiver such as anger, hate, or envy. They develop an unrealistic or dysfunctional sense of their worth, self-image, and low confidence. Thus, they use people as objects to obtain what was lacking in their childhood, thus feeding their supply. The primary function of narcissistic supply is to foster the ego, self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. It also serves to define the boundaries in the relationship so the “False Self” remains intact.
In repressing these bad feelings, narcissists also repress their emotions. The False Self is developed to protect them from the world that is viewed as a hostile, unstable, unrewarding, unjust, and unpredictable place.1 This defense mechanism helps the narcissist feel a sense of security for a short period of time.
Why Do Narcissists Use People This Way?
Narcissists have a desperate need for attention. Due to their low self-esteem and lack of acceptance in childhood, they seek out ways to feel important and valued. During childhood, their caregivers often ignored their emotional needs, never catering to their inner-child. These “caregivers” emotionally abandoned them, causing psychological damage that extends into adulthood. As a result, the narcissist uses other people and things to provide their emotional needs known as narcissistic supply.
The closer you are to the narcissist, the more you are used as supply to be controlled. To some people, this can be mistaken as the narcissist having strong feelings for you. This is not true. They view themselves as flawed and unlovable. So, if you love them, you are flawed and the target of their punishment. Their self-hatred and shame is now transferred onto you. They choose you because you are just more easily manipulated or more accommodating to their needs. It’s not a badge of honor.
What Are the Sources of Narcissistic Supply?
Sources of narcissistic supply are those who provide the narcissist with attention on a regular basis: This could include a spouse, friends, colleague, business partners, teachers, neighbors, and so on. The primary narcissistic supply, or the victim, reaffirms the False Self and grandiose fantasies allowing for an inflated sense of self-worth through praise and attention. The secondary narcissistic supply is the appearance of a good life. Both primary and secondary narcissist supply is a recycled commodity to be used at the narcissist’s will.
There are three important components of narcissistic supply:2
- The trigger of supply is the person or object that provokes the source into yielding by confronting the source with information about the narcissist’s False Self
- The source of narcissistic supply is the person or thing(s) that provides the narcissistic with those things that give them their sense of self-worth, feeding the False Self
- Narcissistic supply is the reaction of the source to the trigger
7 Methods That Narcissists Use to Gain Supply
There are many tactics that narcissists use in order to get their narcissistic supply. They may pretend to be an expert on something, manipulate others, or violate boundaries.
The following are examples of seven ways narcissists will get their narcissistic supply:2
1. The Self-Proclaimed Expert
The narcissist may position as the expert, know it all, or authority. They frequently hoard the conversation and will interrupt the conversation as if you are not saying a word. They constantly marginalize, criticize, and invalidate others’ points of view. Everyone they encounter is used as a tool for their supply.
2. The Dominant Controller, Judge, or Savior
Narcissists position themselves in personal or professional relationships in which they are allowed to control through dominating, minimizing, and devaluing their target on a regular basis. Rescuing others put the narcissists in a position as the “good Samaritan” or “dependable savior.” The narcissist thrives on the feelings of fully controlling and conquering others.
3. The Merit Badge Collector or Pedestal Seeker
Some narcissists intentionally seek careers where they can be regularly admired or feared. Generally, these positions are not sought out for the greater good but to simply feel “superior,” “important,” and “special.”
4. The Boundary Violator or Exploiter
Many narcissists do not relate to others—they use them. This form of narcissistic supply is based on others’ submission to the narcissist’s needs. They use their charm, power of persuasion, or manipulation to force people to give into unreasonable, one-sided demands or to surrender their boundaries. The narcissist views this as winning and a feature under their hat as their ego is affirmed.
5. The Grandiose Showboater or Peacock
In hopes of receiving praise, recognition, or favorable attention, narcissists will brag about important or famous people they know, show off, or boast about their status. They want people to envy them in order to feel important and better about themselves.
6. The Habitually Difficult or Negativity-Seeking Contagion
Have you ever met a person that is constantly difficult or negative? Even when it is unreasonable and unnecessary, some narcissists are deliberately and persistently difficult, uncooperative, or confrontational. There is a perceived power that comes from being disliked. This pattern of behavior confirms the narcissists inner self-loathing—that they do not deserve love, acceptance, or to be in a happy, healthy relationship (narcissistic wounds).
7. The Living-Through-Others Faker or Wannabe
Some narcissists live through others in hopes of boosting their own low self-esteem or vicariously fulfilling their own unrealized fantasies and delusions. They bask in the reflected glory of those whom they take advantage of and exploit.
As you can see, the narcissist depends on the above patterns as a regular flow of narcissistic supply in order to maintain their superficial, egocentric self-image. People and relationships are seen as an extension of the narcissist’s self-serving needs. Deep down, however, most narcissists feel insecure even if they don’t want to admit it.
Are You a Source of Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissistic abuse is very subtle. Oftentimes, the victim is unaware of what is happening to them. Are you being heard in the relationship? Do you feel important? Are the other person’s needs more important than your needs? Does the other person get upset or distance themselves when their needs are not met? If you answered yes to any of these questions; you may be the source of narcissistic supply.
It is natural to want to be loved, cherished, and admired by others. But for the narcissist, this want has turned into an unhealthy need. In their minds, the supply is an object or tool to use at their disposal. Their own well-being is more important than their supply’s feelings, needs, and values. They do not care if you are having a bad day or need space.
Eight traits narcissists look for in someone to fill their narcissistic supply include:
- You like companionship
- You want a good public image
- You like to speak well of others or lift others up
- You’re willing to argue with them
- You can be persuaded to violate your boundaries
- You like to serve; be helpful
- You’re willing to discuss your personal matters
- You’re able to be motivated by duty or obligation
How to Cut Off Supply From a Narcissist
It is common for people to seek closure in relationships. In a normal relationship we look for answers to what went wrong. We often seek apologies or try to figure out if we can salvage a friendship of sorts. When breaking up with a narcissist, you should understand that closure is not an option. Dealing with a narcissist is not easy, especially if you are a primary source. However, in order to protect your sanity, you must stop the abuse and cut off all supply, if possible.
One way to do this is to go “No Contact.”3 No contact involves removing the narcissist completely from your life. This strategy is proven to work as long as you commit and stand by it. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is impossible to go completely no contact with the narcissist. Sometimes children are involved; maybe it’s your boss, co-worker, child, or parent. For incidences such as these, you can employ another strategy known as “Grey Rock” Method. It involves only necessary contact and the removal of your emotions.3
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Supply
The common pattern of all the traits above is that the narcissist depends on a regular flow of narcissistic supply in order to sustain their superficial, egocentric self-image. Those in an interpersonal relationship with the narcissist are merely used as extensions of the narcissist’s self-serving needs. Yet, deep down, most narcissists feel insecure or like the “ugly, thrown-away step child” even if they don’t want to admit it.
If you think you have been the victim of narcissistic supply, you are not alone. Talking about your experiences can help reduce any negative experiences. I suggest seeking professional help from a licensed therapist, or reaching out to someone you trust.
Additional Resources
- Best Books on Narcissism
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Illness: Local support groups
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to speak with a therapist but feel overwhelmed by the process of finding someone who both specializes in dealing with narcissists and who you can connect with personally? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best fit possible. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
