Narcissistic supply refers to the constant supply of attention and admiration needed by narcissists. To gain this attention, narcissists will often use a “false self” that is likeable to attract people to them. However, because narcissists are unable to make healthy connections, they tend to target people who are more vulnerable in order to feed their supply.
What Is Narcissistic Supply?
Attention-seeking behavior—positive or negative—is referred to as narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires, and even demands, limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Narcissistic supply is how narcissists cope with the world, making it a place for them to thrive.
Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not narcissistic in nature. We all need to feel heard and have a sense of belonging, but narcissists crave this attention constantly. They will deliberately find or create situations in which they are regularly at the center of attention, often as a way to stave off their underlying depression. Narcissists are never satisfied—no matter how much attention they receive, it will never be enough.
Narcissists seek individuals that are easily lured in by their charm and naive to their manipulation and exploitation. Once the supply is received, the narcissist will soon become low or empty, always needing more. Feeding narcissistic supply is like trying to fill a bottomless pit—and when they don’t get it, they may react with narcissistic rage.
Types of Narcissistic Supply
There are two main types of narcissistic supply that fuels the individual with narcissistic personality disorder: primary narcissistic supply and secondary narcissistic supply.
Primary Narcissistic Supply
The primary narcissistic supply is based on attention. This attention can be in either public or private forms. Public attention might include needing to feel like a well-respected, beloved, or famed person in the community or world at large. Private attention happens at home, away from public eyes.
Examples of narcissistic supply from a primary source include:
- Being publicly awarded for an accomplishment
- Achieving a level of fame for an achievement
- Achieving a level of infamy for behaving in a problematic way
- Being seen as a powerful or important member of the community, even if there is no real evidence of this
- Receiving the desired level of love and respect at home
- Having family members fawn over them and meet their wants and needs
- Being feared in the home, as the narcissistic may see this as an accomplishment
Secondary Narcissistic Supply
The primary supply is made up of public and private levels of attention, while the secondary supply is based on attaining a typical and comfortable life with a family. These outward “successes” fit into the narcissistic view of normalcy. Without them, the narcissist cannot be successful.
Examples of secondary supply may include:
- Having a respectable job that pays well
- Having a luxury car and a pricey home
- Fitting in socially in the community
- Having a relationship that appears happy
- Having a child or children that can accomplish goals that seem valuable
- Belonging to a group or organization
Why Do Narcissists Need Supply?
Narcissists seek out an endless supply of validation, attention, and praise to compensate for low self esteem, confidence, and a perceived lack of acceptance that’s often a result of early childhood trauma and attachment issues.
Typically, the narcissist was not properly loved as a child. They use people as objects to obtain what was lacking in their childhood, feeding their supply. During childhood, their caregivers often ignored their emotional needs, never catering to their inner child. Their caregivers emotionally abandoned them, causing psychological damage that extends into adulthood. As a result, the narcissist uses other people and things to provide for their emotional needs, known as narcissistic supply.
The primary function of narcissistic supply is to foster the ego, self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. It also serves to define the boundaries in the relationship so the “False Self” remains intact. The False Self is developed to protect them from the world that is viewed as a hostile, unstable, unrewarding, unjust, and unpredictable place.1 This defense mechanism helps the narcissist feel a sense of security for a short period of time, but when the facade is broken, the narcissist collapses.
7 Methods That Narcissists Use to Gain Supply
There are many tactics that narcissists use in order to get their narcissistic supply. They may pretend to be an expert on something, emotionally manipulate others, or violate boundaries.
Here are seven examples of how narcissists get their supply:2
1. The Self-Proclaimed Expert
The narcissist may claim to be an expert or authority on any given subject. They frequently hog the conversation and will interrupt you as if you are not saying a word. They constantly marginalize, criticize, and invalidate others’ points of view in order to boost their own status as an expert.
2. The Dominant Controller, Judge, or Savior
Narcissists position themselves in personal or professional relationships to control through dominating, minimizing, and devaluing their target. This may even look like rescuing others to put the narcissists in a position as the “good Samaritan” or “dependable savior.” The narcissist thrives on the feelings of fully controlling and conquering others.
3. The Merit Badge Collector or Pedestal Seeker
Some narcissists intentionally seek careers or positions where they can be regularly admired or respected. Generally, these positions are not sought out for the greater good but to simply feel superior, important, and special.
4. The Boundary Violator or Exploiter
Many narcissists do not relate to others—they use them. They use their charm, power of persuasion, or manipulation to force people to give into unreasonable, one-sided demands or to surrender their boundaries. The narcissist views this as winning and just another way to feed their ego.
5. The Grandiose Showboater or Peacock
In hopes of receiving praise, recognition, or favorable attention, grandiose narcissists will brag about important or famous people they know, show off, or boast about their status. They want people to envy them in order to feel better about themselves.
6. The Habitually Difficult or Negative
Even when it is unreasonable and unnecessary, some narcissists are deliberately and persistently difficult, uncooperative, or confrontational. There is a perceived power that comes from being disliked. This pattern of behavior confirms the narcissist’s inner self-loathing—that they do not deserve love, acceptance, or to be in a happy, healthy relationship.
7. The Living-Through-Others Faker or Wannabe
Some narcissists live through others in hopes of boosting their own low self-esteem or vicariously fulfilling their own unrealized fantasies and delusions. They bask in the reflected glory of those whom they take advantage of and exploit.
Are You a Source of Narcissistic Supply?
The closer you are to the narcissist, the more likely you are to be used as a source of supply. To some people, this can be mistaken as the narcissist having strong feelings for you. This is not true. Deep down, they view themselves as flawed and unlovable. So, if you love them, you are flawed and the target of their punishment. Their self-hatred and shame is now transferred onto you. They choose you because you are just more easily manipulated or more accommodating to their needs. It’s not a badge of honor.
Here are eight traits narcissists look for in someone to fill their need for supply:
- You like companionship
- You want a good public image
- You like to speak well of others or lift others up
- You don’t want to argue with them
- You can be persuaded to violate your boundaries
- You like to serve and be helpful
- You’re willing to discuss your personal matters
- You’re able to be motivated by duty or obligation
The Narcissistic Cycle of Supply & Abuse
The narcissistic abuse cycle may present in unique ways in different relationships or at different stages. Often, though, the pattern will look like:
- Seeking the supply: Narcissists need someone to supply the attention and normalcy they seek, so they will always be on the hunt for someone to offer what they desire.
- Idealizing the source: When they can find someone to give a supply, they will present as a kind and friendly person to obtain as much of the supply as possible.
- Being frustrated with diminishing returns: Over time, the other person cannot possibly keep up with the needs and demands of the narcissist, so the person with narcissistic personality disorder becomes frustrated with the perception of lower supply.
- Devaluing the source: As the source can no longer keep up with demand, the narcissist will devalue their role and lessen their benefit.
- Abuse: This devaluation can directly result in verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. They are so frustrated that the person can no longer offer the wanted supply and feel completely abandoned by them.
- Shame: Unless there is a new supply waiting, the narcissist will realize that they cut off their supply with abuse and appear shameful and remorseful. At times, this response could be genuine, while for others it could only be an act.
- Repeat: If the supply person accepts the apology, the cycle restarts back at seeking the supply.
Narcissistic abuse can be very subtle. Oftentimes, the victim is unaware of what is happening to them. Are you being ignored in the relationship? Do you feel unimportant? Are the other person’s needs more important than your needs? Does the other person get upset or distance themselves when their needs are not met? If you answered yes to any of these questions; you may be the source of narcissistic supply.
Examples of Narcissistic Supply
The narcissist’s cravings are not limited to romantic relationships. You can experience a narcissist in your family, as a friend, in the workplace, and various social settings. No matter the case, the narcissist will use anyone to boost their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, even if it hurts the people closest to them.
- Supplying a narcissistic mother: Many narcissistic mothers rely on their children, especially their daughters, to supply the attention and adulation, they need. This interaction may do well in the early years, but as the child becomes a teen seeking independence, the relationship can be strained.
- Supplying a narcissistic father: Narcissistic fathers may need different types of attention and normalcy. They may be more interested in the public attention and seeing their children as ones to accomplish great feats they can take credit for.
- Supplying a narcissistic boss: At work, a narcissistic boss may need to think that they are always right, always smart, and always the only one who can solve a problem. This leaves little room for anyone else to succeed and do well.
- Supplying a narcissistic child: Teenagers may have a developmentally appropriate level of narcissism, but if the adult child has a diagnosable condition, being their parent will pose a challenge. They will demand the parent’s time, attention, and willingness to always act and appear a certain way.
How to Cut Off Supply From a Narcissist
When ending a relationship with a narcissist, you should understand that you won’t get the closure you’d like. Dealing with a narcissist is not easy, especially if you are a primary source. However, in order to protect your sanity, you must stop the abuse and cut off all supply if possible.
One way to do this is to go “No Contact.”3 No contact involves removing the narcissist completely from your life. This strategy is proven to work as long as you commit to it.
Sometimes, unfortunately, it is impossible to go completely no contact with a narcissist. Sometimes children are involved; maybe it’s your boss, co-worker, child, or parent. For incidents such as these, you can disarm the narcissist when they try to engage, or employ another strategy known as the “Grey Rock” Method. It involves only necessary contact and the removal of your emotions.3
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Supply
The narcissist depends on a regular flow of narcissistic supply in order to sustain their superficial, egocentric self-image. Those in an interpersonal relationship with a narcissist are merely used as extensions of the narcissist’s self-serving needs. Yet, deep down, most narcissists feel insecure or like the “ugly, thrown-away step child” even if they don’t want to admit it.
If you think you have been the victim of narcissistic supply, you are not alone. Talking about your experiences can help reduce the impact of any negative experiences. I suggest finding a licensed therapist who focuses on recovering from narcissistic abuse, or reaching out to someone you trust.
Narcissistic Supply Infographics
