Narcissistic rage is an intense reaction triggered when a narcissist’s inflated sense of self-importance is challenged. This extreme anger can result from criticism, loss of control, or even minor setbacks, making it a terrifying experience for those on the receiving end of narcissist rage. Understanding the signs and triggers and knowing how to respond effectively is crucial for anyone dealing with this behavior.
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What Is Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage is a sudden and powerful outburst of anger, aggression, and violence from an individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).1 Narcissist rage, a term first coined by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, occurs when a narcissist receives negative feedback that causes discomfort and activation of their defense mechanisms. Once given a dose of their own medicine, narcissists become emotionally, psychologically, physically, or verbally abusive. Upon recognizing that direct exposure threatens their idealized false identity, narcissists will “blow up” to deflect from the underlying issue.
The rage associated with a narcissistic injury ranges from mild irritation to outright physical attacks. Some narcissists will gaslight, deflect, project, verbally assault, or experience a narcissistic collapse. Depending on the severity of the injury, others may become physically aggressive, making some narcissists dangerous as they move from anxiety to agitation to rage in a narcissistic rage cycle that often repeats.
Typical Response to Offense Vs. Narcissistic Rage
While reacting to criticism or offense with upset and irritation is normal, any mild negative remark can trigger feelings of rejection for the narcissist. Their response will be far beyond a typical level of anger or minor emotional meltdown many people experience occasionally. The first line of attack might be brutal shouting, screaming, and ridiculous accusations against you.
Signs of Narcissistic Rage
The signs of narcissistic rage may not initially appear different from sudden outbursts from friends and loved ones. Narcissist rage can be either explosive or passive. Explosive narcissistic rage includes outward displays of aggression, such as insults or harmful behaviors. Conversely, passive narcissistic rage may resemble sulking, pouting, or ignoring others. Understanding what triggers a narcissist’s anger can be difficult, primarily when the narcissist blames a person or the situation for their outbursts. However, careful attention and analysis will point to signs of narcissistic rage.
Common signs of narcissistic rage include:
- A bout of anger that is disproportionate to the triggering stressor
- A rage that may quickly end and never be discussed again
- Anger that results in verbal or physical aggression
- Threatening or following through with self-harm behaviors
- Frustrations that stem from not getting their way
- Inability to control anger and emotions
- Intentionally inflicting physical harm on others
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Cutting a person off entirely
- Withdrawing or using the silent treatment with someone
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What Triggers Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissist rage is common for those with NPD as they grow increasingly angry with any display of vulnerability. This anger can be triggered when they are “called out,” their image has been damaged, or their shortcomings or wrongdoings are highlighted. The narcissist will use this rage to deflect from and overshadow the true issues.
Possible causes of narcissistic rage include:
Their Self-Esteem or Image Has Been Harmed
A narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth is threatened.2 Because narcissists have very low self-esteem, they become incredibly defensive and frustrated when their shortcomings are pointed out. Thus, the distress associated with their false self being exposed can result in narcissist rage.
They Do Not Get Their Way
Narcissists truly believe that the world revolves around them and that their needs are superior and more important than anyone else’s. When they do not get their way, narcissists feel a loss of control, resulting in bouts of rage as a way to regain the upper hand.
They Are Criticized
When a narcissist is criticized, their inflated sense of self is damaged. Any perceived negative feedback, even if offered in gentle or productive ways, can easily result in outbursts of narcissistic rage. A narcissist cannot tolerate threats to their massive egos and grandiose self-image.
They Are No Longer the Center of Attention
To remain powerful and in control, a narcissist needs to have a constant source of admiration and validation to fuel their narcissistic supply and ego. When the attention of others is directed elsewhere, they may use anger, verbal aggression, or shouting to shift the situation back to them.
They Are Exposed for Their Behaviors
Being exposed for one’s actions brings vulnerability. For narcissists, this emotion is an uncomfortable or unbearable experience. For example, if their delusions of grandeur are put on display or inadequacies are highlighted, they might react with anger to avoid shame or accountability.
They Are Asked to Be Accountable for Their Actions
Upholding and maintaining their image is what makes a narcissist thrive. Being held accountable for hurting or abusing someone directly targets their ego and induces shame. Reacting with anger, deflection, and fury allows the narcissist to pivot the direction of a situation away from owning up to their mistakes and behavior.
They Face a Setback, Disappointment, or Conflict
A narcissist can become easily enraged if a setback occurs in their life, job, or relationship. Not getting their way results in both a loss of control and a bruised ego. In these situations, they may lash out with narcissistic rage to either deflect from the conflict or regain a sense of authority.
They Feel a Loss of Control
If the narcissist feels like they are losing control of the situation, a rage fit allows them to regain power over those around them. Even if they are receiving unfavorable reactions from their targets, the narcissist revels in the attention and superiority they have restored.
Narcissistic Rage Cycle
Anger in healthy individuals is proportionate to the situation at hand. However, with narcissistic rage, a narcissist’s reaction is illogical and extreme. When triggered, they may become stressed and anxious before the intense blow-up. The cycle continues, leading to emotional dysfunction and dysregulation.
Below are the stages of a narcissistic rage cycle:
- Stress: A narcissist may subconsciously ignore anger for a moment when met with a stressful trigger.
- Anxiety: After becoming stressed, the anger begins to seep through in small ways, such as outward displays of anxiety.
- Agitation and frustration: Eventually and often very fast, the narcissist shows the first signs of anger through words or facial expressions.
- Rage: Finally, a narcissistic rage fit occurs with visible acts of aggression and loss of temper.
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Narcissistic Rage Examples
Narcissistic rage comes on quickly. Something small or trivial could trigger it, such as changes in tone or body language. It is important to remember that their anger is not your fault, despite attempts to manipulate you into thinking it is.
Possible narcissistic rage examples include:
- The narcissist breaks all of the glasses in the house if a guest notices a smudge on one while taking a drink
- The narcissist punches a hole in the wall if their child does not finish first in a race at school
- The narcissist verbally abuses their spouse for three hours when they have not cleaned the house to their standard
- The narcissist destroys a public bathroom after a stranger criticizes their dirty car
- The narcissist slashes the tires of a coworker who received the promotion over them
- The narcissist hits their spouse or children because they caused “embarrassment”
Narcissistic Rage Consequences
Narcissistic rage can cause not only conflict and harm to the people involved but to the narcissist as well. The resulting consequences impact everyone, including family, coworkers, and friends. Frequent anger outbursts can result in many life disturbances, possibly even legal issues and financial problems.
Narcissistic rage can lead to negative impacts such as:
- Familial conflict: Narcissistic rage results in family dysfunction, even estrangement if the anger escalates. It can be difficult for family members to engage with someone who is constantly on edge and blames everyone else for their issues.
- Relationship breakups or divorce: Being married to a narcissist can feel like walking on eggshells. It is impossible to know what will set them off. A partner constantly being subjected to abuse will wear down a marriage.
- Loss of friendships: Friendship is a two-way street, and friends need to feel valued and supported by one another. Most people will not tolerate being yelled at or made to feel small and unimportant.
- Financial challenges: Narcissists can be impulsive when in a fit of rage and may engage in gambling or overspending.
- Difficulties maintaining employment: If a narcissist can’t control their rage in the workplace, their behavior is both unprofessional and a liability. Ultimately, frequent outbursts can lead to job loss.
- Legal issues: Explosive anger can easily result in legal problems if left uncontrolled.
- Physical harm to self or others: A fit of rage could escalate to physical harm, such as hitting someone or punching the wall during an argument.
- Depression and anxiety: After lashing out, the comedown can be shameful and isolating for the narcissist. Over time, this can increase the risk of depression and anxiety.
- Suicidal thoughts or behaviors: A narcissist may feel suicidal following a narcissistic rage outburst if they are overwhelmed by shame. They may also make threats of self-harm as a manipulation tactic.
How to Avoid a Narcissist’s Rage
Dealing with a narcissist can be problematic and you need to know what to do when a narcissist is mad at you. When you see that the narcissist is enraged, do not continue engaging with them. Physically distance yourself from them as much as possible, ignore them, or avoid any interaction with them. Most importantly, set your boundaries and know they will try to manipulate these whenever given the opportunity.
Here are 10 tips for what to do when a narcissist is mad at you:
1. Establish Your Boundaries
Firmly state your boundaries and stick to them. When possible, remove yourself from the situation and disengage completely. Have a few phrases to help disarm the narcissist, and tell them that you would be willing to discuss the situation once they have calmed down. Consistently establishing and sticking to your boundaries shows the narcissist that their narcissistic manipulative tactics do not work on you. If you deviate from your established limits, the narcissist will continue to push against them and abuse you.
2. Stay Calm
The narcissist enjoys seeing you rattled and upset. For your well-being, make every effort to stay calm. Try meditation as it can help you to slow down your breathing, calm anxieties, and create a sense of detachment from the narcissistic drama. Counting down, refocusing, or finding your ‘happy place’ will keep you grounded when faced with narcissistic rage.
3. Don’t Overreact
The narcissist finds joy in watching you react to their rage. They know that you are experiencing great discomfort and anxiety, so don’t feed their need for supply. No response is the best course of action.
4. Empathize With the Narcissist & Validate Their Viewpoint
Try to understand the narcissist’s point and empathize with them. By agreeing with some of their points, you give the narcissist a sense of validation. Steer clear of any condescending tones to avoid enraging the narcissist. Agree with their key points for the moment until a later time when you can discuss the issue safely.
5. Physically Distance Yourself
Once you see that the narcissist has become enraged, you should immediately remove yourself physically from their presence. Go to another room, separate office, outside, or exit the car. With narcissistic rage, you can never be too careful.
6. Don’t Raise Your Voice
When arguing with a narcissist, be sure to avoid raising your voice. You can’t always pinpoint what will set off the narcissistic rage. However, there tends to be a pattern of triggers. Pay close attention to when the person becomes upset or angry. What resulted in this anger? Was it something you said or a certain situation that set them off? Be mindful of events both before and after narcissistic rage to take note of for the future. If possible, avoid or deflect those situations to deter more outbursts.
7. Pause to Discuss
In some cases, it can be helpful to pause and explain to the narcissist that you need time to think about what they are saying. This validates the narcissist’s point of view as you are taking time to understand them.
8. Remember This Is Not About You
Everything is always about the narcissist, their wants, and their needs. When you understand this, it is easier to deal with them and the narcissistic tactics that come along with them. Understand that this is a personality disorder that has nothing to do with you and was probably established well before they met you.
9. Understand Where the Fault Lies
Victims of narcissistic abuse tend to blame themselves for the narcissist’s rage, often finding reasons why their behavior contributed to the anger. There is nothing within you that you need to fix to appease the narcissist. They have an insatiable appetite for attention and you can do nothing about it.
10. Follow Through With Boundaries
Establishing boundaries and following through are key to stopping narcissistic abuse and rage. Actions speak louder than words and the narcissist does not listen to reason. Being steadfast, assertive, and bold with your actions is essential to overpowering their abuse and rage.
You Can Escape from a Narcissist
Therapy can help you leave and recover from a narcissistic relationship. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
How to Respond to Narcissistic Rage
The more reaction you give to narcissistic rage, the more you are fueling the fire. Remember that the rage isn’t personal (even though it feels like it). Set boundaries with a narcissist and stick to them, don’t engage, and don’t try to debate with them. When narcissists are in an angry state of mind, they cannot think clearly and there is no reasoning with them. It’s okay to ignore them or walk away to protect yourself if they’re becoming rageful or violent.
In the Workplace
Having a narcissist co-worker or working with someone with narcissistic traits can be challenging and problematic. Co-workers or bosses may put you down, make you feel inferior, and respond with rage if you criticize any wrongdoings–even if these jeopardize the workplace.
Below are ways to respond to narcissistic rage at work:
- Communicate your concerns: Let the person know that you are not interested in having any part of their irrational levels of anger.
- Make physical space: Whenever they exhibit unwanted anger, enact a set of behaviors that creates distance and separation between the two of you.
- State your concerns to HR: Make the situation known to your human resources department at the first sign of narcissistic rage. This way, no one can blame you for the issues that are eventually present.
- Set your limits: Being around a narcissist will test your limits. Rather than constantly flexing your needs and wants, be stable and consistent. When the line is crossed, it’s time to move on.
- Quit immediately: If you have a narcissistic boss, you may want to walk away at the earliest opportunity. Engaging with a narcissist will often be a losing battle.
In a Romantic Relationship
Pay close attention to their triggers if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. This can take a lot of work and patience, as these triggers may look different from those you’ve seen in past relationships or partners. Make time to reassess the relationship when needed and establish what you’re willing to put up with moving forward. Abuse in any form is never acceptable. You are never obligated to stay in the relationship.
Below are ways to respond to narcissistic rage in a relationship:
- Set realistic expectations: Being in a relationship with a narcissist comes with many challenges and obstacles. If you set your expectations of the relationship low, you can better appreciate the good and tolerate the bad.
- Consider couples therapy: It’s very difficult for your narcissistic partner to understand how their actions impact you. Couples therapy provides a neutral and safe place to process and learn communication skills together.
- Take a break: There is no need to continually put up your partner’s hurtful behavior. Taking a break in a relationship provides you the space and time to determine if you want to stay with your partner.
- Break up immediately: You may decide that the benefits of the relationship will never outweigh the risks. It’s very unlikely that a narcissist will change. Therefore, breaking up with a narcissist may be the best option.
In a Friendship
If you have a narcissistic friend, establish clear boundaries with them to avoid becoming their punching bag. Just like with a romantic partner, it’s okay to take breaks from them and allow them space to cool down before you speak again. Remember that you can be in control of what is and what is not acceptable behavior in your friendship. Knowing when to end a friendship is critical when handling narcissistic rage.
Below are ways to respond to narcissistic rage from friends:
- Leave the situation immediately
- Let them know you will not stand for these actions
- Allow a cooling-off period of several days or weeks before reestablishing contact
- Impose a cutoff to let them know you will not stand to be the target of rage over and again
From a Stranger
If a stranger lashes out at you with anger, whether it be narcissistic rage or typical rage, there is no reason to stay and argue with them. Doing so will only escalate the situation and lead to further frustration. Additionally, you cannot know if they may become violent when you respond. Remove yourself from the situation to prevent harm to yourself and possibly others.
Coping With Your Rage as a Narcissist
If you are struggling to deal with your own rage, self-awareness is the first step in addressing it. While you already know that you are prone to outbursts of anger and aggression, you may not realize how this impacts your loved ones. Learning how to respond in healthy ways to triggers, seeking the help of a professional, or practicing anger management techniques are all productive ways to help curb anger.
Below are tips for coping with narcissistic rage:
- Seek professional treatment. Narcissism is too intense and too challenging to manage without mental health treatment, but it is possible to change your behaviors. Start therapy for NPD and attend consistently.
- Letting people know your patterns. Rage is not acceptable, but if you warn people ahead of time, it could help maintain your relationships.
- Use your coping skills. Therapists will offer a wide range of healthy coping skills for anger. Accept them, practice them, and use them when the situation calls for it.
- Isolate when necessary. If you are feeling like a bomb just waiting to explode, stay by yourself for a bit. Once the period of rage passes, test yourself by reemerging into your relationships slowly.
- Join a support group: Learning how others have handled their anger when triggered can teach you coping skills to use on your own. There are online support groups and group therapy options available.
- Practice mindfulness when triggered: Anger can feel overwhelming both physically and emotionally. Using mindfulness can allow you to calm your body and mind in bouts of intense stress or anger.
You Can Escape from a Narcissist
Therapy can help you leave and recover from a narcissistic relationship. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
When to Seek Professional Help
Being on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage outburst is emotionally damaging and exhausting. You don’t need to deal with it on your own and deserve a safe, objective space to process your experience. Therapy can help you develop healthy coping skills, educate you about NPD, and allow you to identify your boundaries. Finding the right therapist is a beneficial step when working through trauma related to rage. You may also consider mental health apps like BetterHealth.
In My Experience
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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McLean J. (2007). Psychotherapy with a Narcissistic Patient Using Kohut’s Self Psychology Model. Psychiatry (Edgmont (Pa. : Township)), 4(10), 40–47. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2860525/.
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Thomas, David (2010). Narcissism: Behind the Mask. Leicester, England: The Book Guild Ltd. ISBN 978-1846245060.
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
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Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Added “Narcissistic Rage Cycle” graphic.
Author: No Change
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Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “Narcissistic Rage Cycle” and “Fits of Narcissistic Rage Consequences.” Revised “What Causes Narcissistic Rage,” “Examples of Narcissistic Rage,” “How to Avoid a Narcissist’s Rage,” and “Coping With Your Own Rage as a Narcissist.” New material written by Gabrielle Juliano-Villani, LCSW and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for Readability; Added the sections “6 Signs of Narcissistic Rage”; “6 Examples of Narcissistic Rage”; “Dealing With Narcissistic Rage at Work”; “Dealing With Narcissistic Rage in a Relationship”; “Dealing With Narcissistic Rage in a Friendship”; “From a Stranger”; and “Coping With Your Own Rage as a Narcissist.” New sections written by Eric Patterson, LPC.
Author: Nakpangi Thomas, PhD, LPC, TITC-CT
Reviewer: Dena Westphalen, PharmD
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