Narcissistic Rage: Triggers, Causes, & How to Respond

What Is Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage, a term first coined by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, is a sudden and powerful outburst of anger, aggression, and violence from an individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).¹ The behavior occurs when the negative feedback that a narcissist receives causes discomfort and their defense mechanisms are activated. Once given a dose of their own medicine, narcissists become emotionally, psychologically, physically, or verbally abusive. Upon recognizing that direct exposure threatens their idealized false identity, narcissists will “blow up” to deflect from the underlying issue.

The rage associated with a narcissistic injury ranges from mild irritation to outright physical attacks. Some narcissists will gaslight, deflect, project, verbally assault, or experience a narcissistic collapse. Depending on the severity of the injury, others may become physically aggressive or incredibly dangerous. The question “Are narcissists dangerous?” can be a legitimate concern, so appropriate caution should be considered.

Typical Response to Offense Vs. Narcissistic Rage

While reacting to criticism or offense with upset and irritation is normal, any mild negative remark can trigger feelings of rejection for the narcissist. Their response will be far beyond a typical level of anger. The first line of attack might be brutal shouting, screaming, and ridiculous accusations against you.

Signs of Narcissistic Rage

The signs of narcissistic rage may not initially appear different than sudden outbursts from friends and loved ones. Narcissistic rage can be either explosive or passive. Explosive narcissistic rage includes outward displays of aggression, such as insults or harmful behaviors. Conversely, passive narcissistic rage may resemble sulking, pouting, or ignoring others. Understanding what triggers a narcissist’s anger can be difficult, especially when the narcissist blames a person or the situation for their outbursts. However, careful attention and analysis will point to signs of narcissistic rage.

Common signs of narcissistic rage include:

• A bout of anger that is disproportionate to the triggering stressor
• A rage that may quickly end and never be discussed again
• Anger that results in verbal or physical aggression
• Threatening or following through with self-harm behaviors
• Frustrations that stem from not getting their own way
• Inability to control anger and emotions
• Intentionally inflicting physical harm on others
• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Cutting a person off entirely
• Withdrawing or using the silent treatment with someone

What Triggers Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage is common for those with NPD as they grow increasingly angry with any display of vulnerability. This anger can be triggered when they are “called out,” their image has been damaged, or their shortcomings or wrongdoings are highlighted. The narcissist will use this rage to deflect from and overshadow the true issues.

Possible causes of narcissistic rage include:

Their Self-Esteem or Image Has Been Harmed

A Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth is threatened.² Because narcissists have very low self-esteem, they become incredibly defensive and frustrated when their shortcomings are pointed out. Thus, the distress associated with their false self being exposed can result in narcissistic rage.

They Do Not Get Their Way

Narcissists truly believe that the world revolves around them and that their needs are superior and more important than anyone else’s. When they do not get their way, narcissists feel a loss of control, resulting in bouts of rage as a way to regain the upper hand.

They Are Criticized

When a narcissist is criticized, their inflated sense of self is damaged. Any perceived negative feedback, even if offered in gentle or productive ways, can easily result in outbursts of narcissistic rage. A narcissist cannot tolerate threats to their massive egos and grandiose self-image.

They Are No Longer the Center of Attention

To remain powerful and in control, a narcissist needs to have a constant source of admiration and validation to fuel their narcissistic supply and ego. When the attention of others is directed elsewhere, they may use anger, verbal aggression, or shouting to shift the situation back to them.

They Are Exposed for Their Behaviors

Being exposed for one’s actions brings vulnerability. For narcissists, this emotion is an uncomfortable or unbearable experience. For example, if their delusions of grandeur are put on display or inadequacies are highlighted, they might react with anger to avoid shame or accountability.

They Are Asked to Be Accountable for Their Actions

Upholding and maintaining their image is what makes a narcissist thrive. Being held accountable for hurting or abusing someone directly targets their ego and induces shame. Reacting with anger, deflection, and fury allows the narcissist to pivot the direction of a situation away from owning up to their mistakes and behavior.

They Face a Setback, Disappointment, or Conflict

A narcissist can become easily enraged if a setback occurs in their life, job, or relationship. Not getting their way results in both a loss of control and a bruised ego. In these situations, they may lash out with rage to either deflect from the conflict or regain a sense of authority.

They Feel a Loss of Control

If the narcissist feels like they are losing control of the situation, a rage fit allows them to regain power over those around them. Even if they are receiving unfavorable reactions from their targets, the narcissist revels in the attention and superiority they have restored.

Narcissistic Rage Cycle

Anger in healthy individuals is proportionate to the situation at hand. However, with narcissistic rage, a narcissist’s reaction is illogical and extreme. When triggered, they may become stressed and anxious before the intense blow-up. The cycle continues, leading to emotional dysfunction and dysregulation.

Below are the stages of a narcissistic rage cycle:

• Stress: A narcissist may subconsciously ignore anger for a moment when met with a stressful trigger.
• Anxiety: After becoming stressed, the anger begins to seep through in small ways, such as outward displays of anxiety.
• Agitation and frustration: Eventually and often very fast, the narcissist shows the first signs of anger through words or facial expressions.
• Rage: Finally, a narcissistic rage fit occurs with visible acts of aggression and loss of temper.

Examples of Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage comes on quickly. Something small or trivial could trigger it, such as changes in tone or body language. It is important to remember that their anger is not your fault, despite attempts to manipulate you into thinking it is.

Possible narcissistic rage examples include:

• The narcissist breaks all of the glasses in the house if a guest notices a smudge on one while taking a drink.
• The narcissist punches a hole in the wall if their child does not finish first in a race at school.
• The narcissist verbally abuses their spouse for three hours when they have not cleaned the house to their standard.
• The narcissist destroys a public bathroom after a stranger criticizes their dirty car.
• The narcissist slashes the tires of a coworker who received the promotion over them.
• The narcissist hits their spouse or children because they caused “embarrassment.”

Fits of Narcissistic Rage Consequences

Narcissistic rage can cause not only conflict and harm to the people involved but to the narcissist as well. The resulting consequences impact everyone, including family, coworkers, and friends. Frequent anger outbursts can result in many life disturbances, possibly even legal issues and financial problems.

Narcissistic rage can lead to negative impacts such as:

• Familial conflict: Narcissistic rage results in family dysfunction, even estrangement if the anger escalates. It can be difficult for family members to engage with someone who is constantly on edge and blames everyone else for their issues.
• Relationship breakups or divorce: Being married to a narcissist can feel like walking on eggshells. It is impossible to know what will set them off. A partner constantly being subjected to abuse will wear down a marriage.
• Loss of friendships: Friendship is a two-way street, and friends need to feel valued and supported by one another. Most people will not tolerate being yelled at or made to feel small and unimportant.
• Financial challenges: Narcissists can be impulsive when in a fit of rage and may engage in gambling or overspending.
• Difficulties maintaining employment: If a narcissist can’t control their rage in the workplace, their behavior is both unprofessional and a liability. Ultimately, frequent outbursts can lead to job loss.
• Legal issues: Explosive anger can easily result in legal problems if left uncontrolled.
• Physical harm to self or others: A fit of rage could escalate to physical harm, such as hitting someone or punching the wall during an argument.
• Depression and anxiety: After lashing out, the comedown can be shameful and isolating for the narcissist. Over time, this can increase the risk of depression and anxiety.
• Suicidal thoughts or behaviors: A narcissist may feel suicidal following a narcissistic rage outburst if they are overwhelmed by shame. They may also make threats of self-harm as a manipulation tactic.

How to Avoid a Narcissist’s Rage

Dealing with a narcissist can be problematic. When you see that the narcissist is enraged, do not continue engaging with them. Physically distance yourself from them as much as possible, ignore them, or avoid any interaction with them. Most importantly, set your boundaries and know they will try to manipulate these whenever given the opportunity.

Here are tips for when you’re faced with narcissistic rage:

1. Establish Your Boundaries

Firmly state your boundaries and stick to them. When possible, remove yourself from the situation and disengage completely.  Have a few phrases to help disarm the narcissist, and tell them that you would be willing to discuss the situation once they have calmed down. Consistently establishing and sticking to your boundaries shows the narcissist that their narcissistic manipulative tactics do not work on you. If you deviate from your established limits, the narcissist will continue to push against them and abuse you.

2. Stay Calm

The narcissist enjoys seeing you rattled and upset. For your well-being, make every effort to stay calm. Try meditation as it can help you to slow down your breathing, calm anxieties, and create a sense of detachment from the narcissistic drama. Counting down, refocusing, or finding your ‘happy place’ will keep you stay grounded when faced with narcissistic rage.

3. Don’t Overreact

The narcissist finds joy in watching you react to their rage. They know that you are experiencing great discomfort and anxiety, so don’t feed their need for supply. No response is the best course of action.

4. Empathize With the Narcissist & Validate Their Viewpoint

Try to understand the narcissist’s point and empathize with them. By agreeing with some of their points, you give the narcissist a sense of validation. Steer clear of any condescending tones to avoid enraging the narcissist. Agree with their key points for the moment until a later time when you can discuss the issue safely.

5. Physically Distance Yourself

Once you see that the narcissist has become enraged, you should immediately remove yourself physically from their presence. Go to another room, separate office, outside, or exit the car. With narcissistic rage, you can never be too careful.

6. Don’t Raise Your Voice

When arguing with a narcissist, be sure to avoid raising your voice. You can’t always pinpoint what will set off the narcissistic rage. However, there tends to be a pattern of triggers. Pay close attention to when the person becomes upset or angry. What resulted in this anger? Was it something you said or a certain situation that set them off? Be mindful of events both before and after narcissistic rage to take note of for the future. If possible, avoid or deflect those situations to deter more outbursts.

7. Pause to Discuss

In some cases, it can be helpful to pause and explain to the narcissist that you need time to think about what they are saying. This validates the narcissist’s point of view as you are taking time to understand them.

8. Remember This Is Not About You

Everything is always about the narcissist, their wants, and their needs. When you understand this, it is easier to deal with them and the narcissistic tactics that come along with them. Understand that this is a personality disorder that has nothing to do with you and was probably established well before they met you.

9. Understand Where the Fault Lies

Victims of narcissistic abuse tend to blame themselves for the narcissist’s rage, often finding reasons why their behavior contributed to the anger. There is nothing within you that you need to fix to appease the narcissist. They have an insatiable appetite for attention and you can do nothing about it.

10. Follow Through With Boundaries

Establishing boundaries and following through are key to stopping narcissistic abuse and rage. Actions speak louder than words and the narcissist does not listen to reason. Being steadfast, assertive, and bold with your actions is essential to overpowering their abuse and rage.