Narcissists are the masters of manipulation and disguise. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or have encountered one in your lifetime, chances are you have experienced or witnessed some of their toxic behavior. Narcissistic abuse can be subtle and often worsens over time. The abuse may be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical.
While narcissistic abuse syndrome is not a diagnosable disorder, the symptoms of the emotional pain can leave you feeling disconnected and confused.
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What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissists, or people with narcissistic traits, use abusive tactics to hide their low self-esteem, lack of empathy, and others unfavorable characteristics. Verbal abuse—in the form of put-downs, accusations, criticism, demands, threats, or name-calling—is the most common form of abuse. A narcissist may gaslight you into thinking your reality is false or that you are mentally ill. Negatively contradicting you in front of others is another tactic. Withholding money, the silent treatment, isolation, and lying about you to others are other manipulative techniques in a narcissist’s toolbox.
Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress syndrome.3 Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidantance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically and/or emotionally.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
It is hard to determine if one is dating a narcissist as most do not seek treatment. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) think their behavior is normal and that there is something wrong with everyone else. While it’s not recommended that you diagnose your partner, the DSM-5 has identified specific criteria for NPD, but only five of the nine are required to meet the criteria.1
The criteria for narcissistic personality disorder are:
- grandiose sense of self-importance
- preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- need for excessive admiration
- sense of entitlement
- interpersonally exploitative behavior
- lack of empathy
- envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
13 Signs That Your Abuser Might Be a Narcissist
Being in an abusive relationship does not automatically mean that you are dating a narcissist.
Over 1.6 million people experience intimate partner violence.4 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.5 Causes of abuse can be attributed to childhood trauma/abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use, bipolar disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and other mental illnesses.
Here are 13 of the most common signs that your abuser is a narcissist:
1. Lack of Friends
Narcissists have a hard time making close connections in fear of being found out. As such, they will have little to no friends. In turn, they will berate your friends, tell you that you do not spend enough time with them, or make you feel guilty for spending time with friends.
2. Lack of Empathy
The lack of empathy or ability to feel is the major reason why narcissists relationships fail. In a healthy relationship-both partners care for each other’s well-being. In a narcissistic relationship the caring partner will not feel cared for and show signs of sadness and loneliness.
3. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Narcissists are the star and co-star of their self moved production. Their grandiose sense of self-importance leaves no time or space for their partner or anyone else- leaving their partner feeling alone in the relationship.
4. Charming Demeanor
Narcissists are very likeable and in most cases attractive. Early morning calls or texts seem sincere and innocent at first. Once the charm wears off – their partner is left feeling empty.
5. Love Bombing
This is a technique used in an attempt to influence a person by demonstrating attention and affection. Love bombing causes internal conflict and confusion to the narcissist’s partner.
6. Demonstrations of Arrogant and Superior Attitude
Narcissists do not do emotions! They are incapable of connecting with other people’s feelings-causing their partner to feel unheard or ignored in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to not express your feelings or share the things that are happening in your life.
7. Need for Excessive Admiration
If your partner is constantly fishing for compliments; you may feel exhausted looking for new ways to admire your mate. You may receive little compliments or admiration no matter how hard you try. If you do receive any praise-it is followed by a put down. For example, “That outfit looks good but blue is not your color.”
8. Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists expect to receive special treatment because they are special. If you do not bind to their every wish or demand; they will act out. You may receive the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment”, or throw a temper tantrum or result in name calling or physical abuse.
9. Manipulative Behavior
Narcissists are the master’s of emotional manipulation. They will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation but gaslight is most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may also be manipulated to stay home, not go to work, engage in sexual acts, or spend bill money on the narcissist.
10. Preoccupied With Fantasies of Unlimited Success, Power, or Brilliance
Having a false sense of reality, magical thinking, unlimited success or power supports their grandiosity. When confronted with truth that shatters their false sense of reality; they will react with rage and extreme defensiveness. A crafty narcissist will pull you into their world and have you lying to family, friends, and strangers to support their false reality – challenging your own reality and view of the world.
11. Envy of Your Achievements
Talking about your achievements will trigger a narcissist’s insecurities and jealousy. They will escape the topic by cutting you off or changing the conversation. They will talk negatively behind your back and/or makeup lies to discredit you and your accomplishments.Victims of this type of abuse generally isolate and lose strong bonds with family, friends, and co-workers.
12. Hogging the Conversation
Narcissists love to talk about themselves. They will embellish and flat out lie to make themselves look better than others or inflate their accomplishments. There is no room to talk about your accomplishment nor do they care.
13. Exploitation
People in their life are viewed as objects to meet their needs. They will take advantage of others without guilt or shame. They do not think about how their actions affect others – leaving their victims feeling unloved and uncared for.
Tactics Used by Abusers
Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics to destroy their partner’s reality and confidence to gain or keep control over the relationship and partner. They will set you up to feel crazy, making it less likely that you will reach out to family and friends for help. A narcissist may use emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual forms of abuse. 4
Here are several examples of abuse commonly employed by narcissists:
- Verbal abuse: This includes accusing, belittling, blaming, bullying, criticizing, demanding, ordering, raging, sarcasm, shaming, threatening or more.you. Verbal abuse alone does not mean that you are dealing with a narcissist as verbal abuse is a gateway for many toxic behaviors.
- Manipulation: Manipulation is the skillful words or actions of a person to get what they want. Narcissist prey on your fears, guilt, and obligation to get their needs and supply met.
- Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation to make you feel fear, guilt, or doubt. They may use anger, intimidation, threats, warnings, or punishment to keep you in line. You may feel fear, obligation, or guilt.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting or brainwashing is the intentional act of making you distrust your views of reality or believe that you’re mentally unstable. Here are a few signs you are being gaslighted:
- You no longer feel like the person you used to be
- You feel like everything you do is wrong
- You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong
- You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be
- You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive
- You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate
- You’re apologizing often
- You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is
- You make excuses for your partner’s behavior
- Competition: Competing and one-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means, such as cheating in a game.
- Negative contrasting: Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people.
- Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.
- Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs.
- Lying: Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.
- Withholding: Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you.
- Neglect: Ignoring the needs of a child for whom the abuser is responsible. Includes child endangerment; i.e., placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.
- Privacy invasion: Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring privacy you’ve requested.
- Character assassination or slander: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.
- Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.
- The stare: This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
- Silent treatment: Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
- Projection: They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
- Twisting: When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
- Playing the victim card: When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.
- Hoovering: This term is used to describe a narcissist “sucking” someone back into a relationship, usually after a round of silent treatment.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse has both short and long-term effects no matter how long or short the involvement. This type of control and manipulation is slow, subtle, and deliberate. While surviving the relationship, we have destroyed our self-worth, sense of self, personality, and values. We have dropped our boundaries and allowed another to control us.
The body internalizes and reacts to stress and trauma in many ways. Narcissistic abuse is a form of trauma. You may experience body aches, headaches, and digestive problems from feeling on edge. In addition to stress on the body, the brain is affected too.
The lasting effects of narcissistic abuse may include:5
Cognitive Difficulties
The cognitive or mental effects of narcissistic abuse may include:
- confusion
- nightmares
- uncertainty
- hypervigilance
- suspiciousness
- intrusive images
- poor problem solving
- poor abstract thinking
- poor attention span or decision-making skills
- poor concentration memory
- disorientation of time, place or person
- heightened or lowered alertness
- increased or decreased awareness of surroundings
Behavioral Issues
Behavioral effects or issues caused by narcissistic abuse could include:
- withdrawal
- antisocial acts
- inability to rest
- intensified pacing
- change in social interactions
- loss or increase of appetite
- hyperalert to environment
- increased alcohol consumption
- Change in communication
Emotional Problems
The emotional effects of narcissistic abuse include:
- fear
- guilt
- grief
- panic
- denial
- anxiety
- agitation
- irritability
- depression
- intense anger
- apprehension
- emotional shock
- emotional outbursts
- feeling overwhelmed or fatigue
- loss of emotional control
- inappropriate emotional response
Exiting a Relationship With a Narcissist
For a narcissist, no one is ever enough. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. You cannot change a narcissist, so it is often best to just end the relationship for your own mental health. Existing a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. They may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you. But know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.
Build your support system with family and friends. Strengthen relationships with positive people. Above all, have an exit plan, and follow these five steps:
1. Develop an Exit Plan
Let some trusted people know what has gone on in the relationship. Prepare your children and tell them the exit plan. Keep a bag packed with important documents, a change of clothes, and other necessary items. Save some money in a bank account with only your name on the account. Stay at a family member or friend’s house that your abuser does not know. There are also other options like women’s shelters available.
2. Experience the Fog Lifting
Once you have left your partner, you will begin to think more clearly. The anxiety and confusion will melt away over a period of days and weeks as you are beginning the deprogramming stage from the toxic abuse.
3. Remove All Contact
To remove a narcissist from your life, it is best to have no contact at all. This includes calls, texts, social media, and events. Involving the authorities may be necessary to obtain an order of protection.
4. Practice the Grey Rock Method
If you have children together; no contact is not an option. Grey rock is a method that you can use. It involves only necessary contact and the removal of your emotions. Avoid small talk. You only provide the narcissist with information that is essential.
5. Find Closure Through Education
In a normal relationship one may seek closure through answers, apologies, or good-byes. Do not expect this from a narcissist as they are incapable of admitting any wrongdoing. The partner of a narcissistic must seek closure by research and education. Understanding the nature of a narcissist and narcissistic abuse can help you find closure.
Treatment Options for Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
You may feel pain from wasting your time on an unfruitful relationship. You may have given all of your energy to stay in the relationship. Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long road to recovery, but you can heal and live a full happy life. Finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with trauma can be the best place to start.
Therapy
Find a mental health professional who is specially trained in trauma recovery. If you are unable to leave the relationship, a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and communicate effectively with the narcissist to reduce the pain and suffering of the relationship. Seeking professional help from a licensed mental health professional can aid in returning to some type of normality in the recovery of narcissistic abuse.
A counselor or therapist can help you:
- Work through denial, guilt and shame.
- Process the grief of ending the relationship
- Challenge your negative thoughts and feelings
- Deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms
- Reclaim your identity
- Forgive yourself
- Understand your feelings
- Build new coping skills
- Tell others about the abuse
- Fight the urge to contact or get back with the abuser
- Overcome self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide
Self-Care & Relaxation Techniques
Engaging in self-care is helpful. Exercise helps to restore cortisol levels in the brain to enhance mood and is the body’s natural painkiller.2 Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, Tai Chi, yoga, and meditation relieve depression and anxiety causing the body and mind to feel peace.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
