Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Effects, & Treatments

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse typically involves emotional abuse via put-downs, accusations, criticism, or threats. A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may gaslight or contradict you in front of others. Withholding money, silent treatments, isolation, and lying about you to others are other common narcissistic manipulative techniques. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior so they can maintain their narcissistic supply.¹

Why Do People Become Narcissists?

Narcissists tend to deflect their feelings onto others because of the pain associated with these emotions. They may have had narcissistic caregivers or experienced abuse or traumatic events which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.

25 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

There are many signs of narcissistic abuse in a relationship, whether platonic, familial, or romantic. Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics to destroy a person’s reality and confidence, to gain or keep control over the relationship or marriage. They may make you feel crazy, meaning you will be less likely to reach out for support from family and friends. A narcissist may use emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual abuse.

Here are 25 signs of narcissistic abuse:^2,3

1. Gaslighting

Narcissistic gaslighting refers to intentionally making a person distrust their views of reality or believe they’re mentally unstable. Narcissists will use specific, targeted gaslighting phrases to do so.

Here are a few signs you are being gaslighted:

• You no longer feel like the person you used to be
• You feel like everything you do is wrong
• You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong
• You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be
• You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive
• You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate
• You’re apologizing often
• You have a sense that something’s wrong but aren’t able to identify what it is
• You make excuses for their behavior

2. Emotional & Verbal Abuse

A narcissist often verbally or emotionally abuses you to continue controlling and tearing you down. Emotional abuse is characterized by behavior that is meant to harm you. This could look like calling you stupid, threatening to hurt you, or lying. Verbal abuse may include name-calling or insults.

3. Projection

Narcissistic projection involves dumping one’s issues onto their victim instead of taking the blame. For instance, a narcissistic abuser may accuse their partner of lying when they have lied (this is sometimes referred to as DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, reverse victim & offender). Or they make a partner feel guilty when they’ve done nothing wrong to create confusion.

4. Attempts to Isolate You From Loved Ones

Narcissists force you to become dependent on them by isolating you from your family and friends. Detaching you from your support system ensures they can have control over you. They may say they do not like your friends or family, you spend too much time with loved ones, or make negative comments about loved ones’ behaviors or interactions with you to change how you feel.

5. Threats of Physical Violence

Rage is a common trait among narcissists, but this does not always equate to physical violence. Narcissists may use threats of harm as a control tactic to keep you from leaving or spending time with your family. They scare you by threatening violence to continue getting what they want. They may say things like, “You’ll be sorry if you leave!” or, “I will punch you if you try to go out with your friends tonight.”

6. Constant Criticism & Insults

Part of a narcissist’s approach to controlling and manipulating you is to make you feel worthless and dependent on them through criticism and insults. They will devalue you and others to look and feel superior to everyone else. They can never be wrong and constantly need to feel better than everyone else so they do not appear ‘stupid.’

7. Censorship

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you might tiptoe around them to avoid setting them off in a rage outburst. This could look like censoring yourself or pushing down your thoughts and feelings to appease the narcissist and steering clear of abusive behaviors that can occur if there is a disagreement. This censorship creates a cycle where the victim is powerless, and the narcissist continues to control and manipulate.

8. Instilling Fear About Their Reactions

The fear of a rage outburst, physical violence, or being publicly shamed can be more than enough to scare someone into learning how to avoid these outcomes. Narcissistic behavior can also be inconsistent and hard to predict, which can add to the anxiety level. Narcissists enjoy this game because it allows them to get what they want.

9. Strategic People-Pleasing Behaviors

Narcissists are not typically seen as people pleasers. However, narcissists will strategically people-please when it makes them look good, impresses others socially, or helps them get ahead. This also reduces their shame and continues to inflate their ego.

10. History of Abuse in Previous Relationships

Narcissism and abuse are typically not isolated incidents. A history of abuse is common for narcissists and their victims and is usually why they stay in such relationships. Victims may be vulnerable and ignore red flags, and a narcissist will pick up on that. Additionally, a narcissist may have learned abusive behaviors in childhood and is now repeating those patterns.

11. Lack of Empathy

A lack of empathy or ability to feel and express emotions are significant reasons narcissistic relationships fail. In a healthy relationship, both people care for each other. In a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissistic person will not feel cared for due to the narcissist’s lack of empathy, and show signs of sadness and loneliness.

12. Excusing or Ignoring Their Bad Behaviors

Narcissists will never take responsibility for their behavior, often using excuses as to why hurting or embarrassing someone is acceptable. Their victim will frequently take the blame for them or make excuses as to why they behaved that way in the first place. For example, a victim may say, “They’re just stressed right now,” or “You’re not as familiar with them as I am.”

13. Making Everything a Competition

A person with NPD has to be right and the center of attention. Instead of building you up and congratulating you on important accomplishments, the narcissist finds a way to tear you down and compete with you. This continues the cycle of inflating their ego and ignoring your needs.

14. Love Bombing

Love bombing involves demonstrating attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. It can cause internal conflict and confusion for victims. The narcissist uses love bombing to control the person into being their next source of supply and will continue to do this to make the person stay in a relationship with them. Love bombing is intense, and the narcissist may overshare or pressure you to commit to them too soon.

15. Invasion of Privacy

A narcissist will use any means of control to ensure they always have the upper hand. They will always want to know where you are going, with whom, and when. They may ask for your passcodes or hack into your email to keep tabs on you.

16. Arrogant & Superior Attitude

A narcissist’s grandiose sense of self-importance leaves no time or space for anyone else, leaving others feeling alone in the relationship. Narcissists are incapable of connecting with others, causing the other person to feel unheard or ignored in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to suppress your feelings or avoid sharing what is happening in your life.

17. Creating Mistrust Outside of the Relationship

A narcissist will slowly isolate you from your support people to have 100% control over you and everything you do. This usually starts slowly with small negative comments about your family or friends. These behaviors will increase in intensity until you also believe your support system does not have your best interests at heart. This leaves the victim even more isolated, alone, and dependent on the narcissist.

18. Inflated Sense of Entitlement

Narcissists expect to receive special treatment. They will act out if you do not bow to their every wish or demand. You may receive the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment” or be met with name-calling or physical abuse.

19. Manipulative Behaviors

Narcissists are the masters of emotional manipulation. A manipulative narcissist will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation, but gaslighting is the most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may also be manipulated to stay home, not go to work, engage in sexual acts, or spend money on the narcissist.

20. Playing the Victim Card

When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior. A 2020 study shows that narcissists often display victimhood.⁶ Although it may seem like narcissists can have a strong, dominant personality, anytime they are criticized, they will play the victim to get more attention and appear helpless. This also allows the narcissist to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by instead placing blame on their outside environment.

21. Trying to Control You

At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, controlling behaviors start as subtle or subdued to not scare you away. As time passes, the controlling behaviors will increase as they seek to gain power over you. Being in a relationship with a controlling husband or wife can leave you feeling trapped and powerless. The more they can control you, the more they get what they want.

22. Hoovering

Hoovering describes “sucking” someone back into a relationship, usually after a round of silent treatment or rejection. Hoovering has also been referred to as emotional blackmail. If the narcissist feels they are losing control, they will change tactics. They will validate you, be intimate with you, or make you feel good. Once things are better and the victim thinks the narcissist has changed, the narcissist starts the abusive behaviors again.

23. Hogging the Conversation

Narcissists love to talk about themselves. They will embellish and flat-out lie to make themselves look better than others or inflate their accomplishments. There is no room to talk about your accomplishments, nor do they care about them in the first place. Talking about your achievements will trigger a narcissist’s insecurities and jealousy. They will escape the topic by cutting you off or changing the conversation. They will talk negatively about you or make up lies to discredit you and your accomplishments.

24. Ignoring Your Boundaries

Complete disregard for boundaries is a red flag. Spending time apart in relationships is normal, as is having boundaries around your self-care, routines, bedtimes, eating schedule, and more. In another effort to control you and create codependency, a narcissist will ignore and push on your boundaries.

25. Exploitation

People in a narcissist’s life are viewed as objects to meet their needs. They will take advantage of others without guilt or shame. They do not think about how their actions affect others, leaving their victims feeling unloved and uncared for.

Examples of Narcissistic Abuse

Being abused by a narcissist isn’t always obvious. They’ll use a variety of techniques to control and manipulate you. They may not even be aware that their behavior is hurtful but they will always be persistent to continue to control you. Once their immediate need is met, they may move on to a different or more intense tactic.

Common examples of narcissistic abuse include:

• Withholding: This may include withholding such things as money, sex, communication, or affection from you.
• Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation to make you feel fear, guilt, or doubt. They may use anger, intimidation, threats, warnings, or punishment to keep you in line.
• Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.
• Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.
• Spreading lies: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.
• Making accusations: A narcissist may accuse you of certain actions, such as cheating, lying, or engaging in some form of unhealthy behavior.
• Blaming others for their actions: When a narcissist is confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologizes to them.
• Silent treatments: Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even if they weren’t to blame.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissistic abuse cycle refers to a typical dynamic that may occur when in a relationship with a narcissist. The cycle includes themes of deceit, manipulation, power, and control. It’s important to be aware of these common factors early on, as they can indicate themes of abuse and dysfunction.

The four stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle are:

Stage 1: Idealization

Idealization includes themes of strong admiration and love bombing. At this phase, you may feel extra special and cared for. Mirroring can also happen, which refers to the narcissist taking on your interests and preferences as their own. This can make it appear like you two have more in common than you really do. Idealization sets a stage for more control and emotional volatility.

Stage 2: Devaluation

Devaluation occurs once the narcissist realizes that you’re no longer perfect or infallible. At this point, criticism and rejection start to seep into the relationship. They may blame or insult you for things they once appreciated. They might also start withdrawing their affection or micromanaging your usual activities. Devaluation also includes themes of occasional reinforcement- sometimes you do everything “right,” but other times, you do it all “wrong.”

Stage 3: Rejection

Rejection occurs when the narcissist decides to end the relationship. This can also be called the ‘final discard,’ and it happens when the narcissist decides to find someone or something else to meet their needs. Rejection can happen suddenly (leaving without warning), or it can build up via blame, detachment, and withdrawal. In most cases, the narcissist attempts to move on right away.

Stage 4: Hoovering

Hoovering entails trying to enter back into your life, even after rejection has occurred. The narcissist doesn’t want to fully let you go. They may make sporadic appearances back into your life (without warning). They might also reach out with grandiose apologies or long-winded statements about wanting to change their behavior or seeking help. They may re-engage in old love-bombing tactics at this time.

Recognizing the Signs of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Recognizing these stages can help you understand the manipulative tactics used by narcissists. To assist you further, we have a narcissistic abuse cycle worksheet designed to help you recognize these patterns and identify if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet

Track your narcissistic partner’s behaviors, your feelings and responses to recognize if you’re in a narcissistic abuse cycle.

Download Free Worksheet

Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse has both short and long-term effects.⁴ This type of control and manipulation is slow, subtle, and deliberate.

Narcissistic Abuse or Victim Syndrome

Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. While not recognized as a diagnosable disorder, the symptoms of emotional pain can leave you feeling disconnected and confused. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically or emotionally.

Anxiety & Depression

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is stressful, confusing, and overwhelming. The fear of not knowing what’s coming next can lead to anxiety symptoms. Constant devaluation, criticisms, and insults can lead to feeling worthless and depressed. Narcissistic abuse can lead to low-self esteem and hopelessness, which can lead to a depressive episode.

Physical Health Symptoms

Narcissistic abuse is a form of trauma, and the body internalizes and reacts to stress and trauma in many ways. Physical symptoms of narcissistic abuse may include body aches, headaches, and digestive problems from feeling on edge.

Memory & Cognition Issues

The stress of living with an abusive partner coupled with other abusive behaviors, like gaslighting, can cause difficulty with concentration. You might be hyperfocused on waiting for the other shoe to drop or worried about the future. Gaslighting can distort one’s memory because their sense of reality is always being questioned, which can lead to confusion even after the relationship has ended.

How to Deal With Narcissistic Abuse

Because narcissists often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and change, it’s often up to the victim to deal with the after effects of being abused. These relationships usually end up in divorce or legal issues because of the complexities and lack of ability to change. It is possible to heal from a toxic relationship, but it takes time to trust again.

Below are tips for dealing with narcissistic abuse:

• Know when to leave: You can never please a narcissist. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. It is often best to end the relationship for your own mental health.
• Don’t fall for their tricks: Exiting a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. At the end of a relationship, they may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you.
• Don’t try to change them: Know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.
• Focus on building your self-esteem: A narcissist thrives off of tearing you down and insulting you. Find small ways to remember your strengths, and lean on your support system to help.
• Establish boundaries: Begin to notice when you feel threatened or frustrated, set clear boundaries with a narcissist, and stick to them.
• Focus on your own needs: It’s easy to forget that you have your own needs when you’re being abused, but focus on simple care tasks, one at a time.
• Remember it’s not your fault: You are never at fault for being abused and shamed. Remember that this is a mental health disorder that began long before you were around.

Where to Seek Professional Help

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long road to recovery, but you can heal and live a full happy life. Choosing a therapist who is experienced in dealing with trauma can be the best place to start. BetterHelp is a good online therapy option if you’re not using insurance and Talkspace is ideal if you want to use your insurance coverage, although they offer cash-pay options as well.

If you are unable to leave the relationship, a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and communicate effectively with the narcissist to reduce the pain and suffering of the relationship.

A counselor or therapist can help you:

• Work through denial, guilt, and shame.
• Process the grief of ending the relationship
• Challenge your negative thoughts and feelings
• Deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms
• Reclaim your identity
• Forgive yourself
• Understand your feelings
• Build new coping skills
• Tell others about the abuse
• Fight the urge to contact or get back with the abuser
• Overcome self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide