Narcissists are the masters of manipulation and disguise. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or have encountered one in your lifetime, chances are you have experienced or witnessed some of their toxic behavior. Narcissistic abuse can be subtle and often worsens over time. The abuse may be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse typically involves emotional abuse in the form of put-downs, accusations, criticism, or threats. A narcissist may gaslight you or contradict you in front of others. Withholding money, the silent treatment, isolation, and lying about you to others are other manipulative techniques in a narcissist’s toolbox. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior into maintaining their supply.
Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically or emotionally.
25 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics to destroy their partner’s reality and confidence to gain or keep control over the relationship or marriage. They may make you feel like you’re crazy, making it less likely that you will reach out to family and friends for help. A narcissist may use emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual forms of abuse.
Here are 25 signs of narcissistic abuse:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the intentional act of making you distrust your views of reality or believe that you’re mentally unstable using specific targeted phrases to make you feel this way. Here are a few signs you are being gaslighted:
- You no longer feel like the person you used to be
- You feel like everything you do is wrong
- You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong
- You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be
- You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive
- You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate
- You’re apologizing often
- You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is
- You make excuses for your partner’s behavior
2. Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse could include accusing, belittling, blaming, bullying, criticizing, demanding, ordering, raging, sarcasm, shaming, or threatening.
3. Projection
Projection involves dumping their issues onto their victim instead of taking any blame. For instance, a narcissistic abuser may accuse their partner of lying when they have lied (this is sometimes referred to as “Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender“). Or they make a partner feel guilty when they’ve done nothing wrong. This creates confusion.
4. Twisting
When a narcissist is confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
5. Lack of Empathy
The lack of empathy or ability to feel and express emotions is the major reason why a narcissist’s relationships fail. In a healthy relationship, both partners care for each other’s well-being. In a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissistic partner will not feel cared for and will show signs of sadness and loneliness.
6. Lying
Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.
7. Silent Treatment
Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even if they weren’t to blame. A narcissist may also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
8. Sabotage
Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.
9. Grandiosity & Overstating Their Own Importance
A narcissist’s grandiose sense of self-importance leaves no time or space for their partner or anyone else, leaving their partner feeling alone in the relationship.
10. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation to make you feel fear, guilt, or doubt. They may use anger, intimidation, threats, warnings, or punishment to keep you in line.
11. Making Everything a Competition
One-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means, such as cheating in a game.
12. Love Bombing
Love bombing involves demonstrating attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. It can cause internal conflict and confusion to the narcissist’s partner.
13. Financial Abuse
Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.
14. Privacy Invasion
Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, or mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring your request for privacy.
15. Arrogant & Superior Attitude
Narcissists are incapable of connecting with other people’s feelings, causing their partner to feel unheard or ignored in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to not express your feelings or share the things that are happening in your life.
16. Character Assassination or Slander
Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.
17. Negative Contrasting
Unnecessarily making comparisons to put you in a negative light, pitting you against the narcissist or other people.
18. Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists expect to receive special treatment. If you do not bow to their every wish or demand, they will act out. You may receive the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment,” or be met with name calling or physical abuse.
19. Withholding
This may include withholding such things as money, sex, communication, or affection from you.
20. Manipulative Behavior
Narcissists are the masters of emotional manipulation. They will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation but gaslighting is most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may also be manipulated to stay home, not go to work, engage in sexual acts, or spend money on the narcissist.
21. Playing the Victim Card
When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.
22. Ignoring Your Achievements
Talking about your achievements will trigger a narcissist’s insecurities and jealousy. They will escape the topic by cutting you off or changing the conversation. They will talk negatively behind your back or make up lies to discredit you and your accomplishments.
23. Hoovering
This term is used to describe a narcissist “sucking” someone back into a relationship, usually after a round of silent treatment.
24. Hogging the Conversation
Narcissists love to talk about themselves. They will embellish and flat-out lie to make themselves look better than others or inflate their accomplishments. There is no room to talk about your accomplishments, nor do they care about them in the first place.
25. Exploitation
People in their life are viewed as objects to meet the narcissist’s needs. They will take advantage of others without guilt or shame. They do not think about how their actions affect others, leaving their victims feeling unloved and uncared for.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. Each phase in the cycle works in tandem with the other in order to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web.
Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse has both short and long-term effects no matter how long or short the involvement. This type of control and manipulation is slow, subtle, and deliberate. While narcissistic abuse syndrome is not a diagnosable disorder, the symptoms of the emotional pain can leave you feeling disconnected and confused.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of trauma, and the body internalizes and reacts to stress and trauma in many ways. You may experience body aches, headaches, and digestive problems from feeling on edge. In addition to stress on the body, the brain is affected too.
You may experience a wide range of issues after surviving narcissistic abuse, including:
- Cognitive difficulties including confusion, hypervigilance, or intrusive thoughts
- Behavioral issues including withdrawal, increase in alcohol or substance consumption, or a change in communication
- Emotional problems like fear, guilt, or irritability
- Depression
- Anxiety
Exiting a Relationship With a Narcissist
You can never please a narcissist. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. It is often best to end the relationship for your own mental health.
Exiting a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. At the end of a relationship, they may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you. But know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long road to recovery, but you can heal and live a full happy life. Finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with trauma can be the best place to start. If you are unable to leave the relationship, a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and communicate effectively with the narcissist to reduce the pain and suffering of the relationship.
A counselor or therapist can help you:
- Work through denial, guilt and shame.
- Process the grief of ending the relationship
- Challenge your negative thoughts and feelings
- Deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms
- Reclaim your identity
- Forgive yourself
- Understand your feelings
- Build new coping skills
- Tell others about the abuse
- Fight the urge to contact or get back with the abuser
- Overcome self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide
Additional Resources
Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started
Online-Therapy.com – The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started
Headspace (Meditation App) – Headspace is the leading mindfulness and meditation app with over 70 million members. Headspace offers guidance and exercises for all skill levels, including beginners. Free Trial
Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.
Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Headspace
For Further Reading
Narcissistic Abuse Infographics
