Skip to content
  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • Narcissism
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
    • Best Online Couples Counseling Services
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Providers
    • Online Therapy Reviews & Guides
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • Reviews
    • Best Online Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy with Insurance
    • Best Online Therapy for Teens
    • Best Online Therapy for Anxiety
    • Best Online Therapy for Depression
    • Best Online ADHD Treatments
    • Best Online Psychiatry
    • Best Mental Health Apps
    • All Reviews
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory

Join our Newsletter

Get helpful tips and the latest information

Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on Twitter
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube
ChoosingTherapy.com Logo

Newsletter

Search Icon
  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • Narcissism
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
    • Best Online Couples Counseling Services
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Providers
    • Online Therapy Reviews & Guides
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • Reviews
    • Best Online Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy with Insurance
    • Best Online Therapy for Teens
    • Best Online Therapy for Anxiety
    • Best Online Therapy for Depression
    • Best Online ADHD Treatments
    • Best Online Psychiatry
    • Best Mental Health Apps
    • All Reviews
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory
  • What Is Reactive Abuse?What Is Reactive Abuse?
  • ExamplesExamples
  • Long Term EffectsLong Term Effects
  • 6 Ways to Stop Reacting to One6 Ways to Stop Reacting to One
  • How to Get Help & Find HealingHow to Get Help & Find Healing
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources
Abuse Articles Emotional Abuse Abusive Relationship Cycle of Abuse

Reactive Abuse: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Author: Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C

Silvi Saxena specializes in grief, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. She also has experience in many other areas of mental healthcare.

See My Bio Editorial Policy
Rajy Abulhosn, MD

Medical Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD Licensed medical reviewer

Published: July 12, 2022
  • What Is Reactive Abuse?What Is Reactive Abuse?
  • ExamplesExamples
  • Long Term EffectsLong Term Effects
  • 6 Ways to Stop Reacting to One6 Ways to Stop Reacting to One
  • How to Get Help & Find HealingHow to Get Help & Find Healing
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • InfographicsInfographics
  • Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources

In a situation where one person abuses another, the other person may react. When this happens, the person who caused harm may be on the receiving end of an attack. They may then claim that the abused individual (who is acting in self-defense) is the abuser. This is a type of gaslighting called reactive abuse. It gives the one causing harm something to hold over the abused person’s head.

ADVERTISEMENT

You Can Escape from a Narcissist

Therapy can help you leave and recover from a narcissistic relationship. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Free Assessment

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Reactive abuse is a common manipulation tactic that places blame for abuse onto the abused. It’s commonly associated with gaslighting as this tactic aims to convince or rewrite the story, claiming the person who caused harm is actually a victim. This is also used by narcissists, as they often will play the role of the victim when they’re being faced with consequences for their actions.

Why Is Reactive Abuse so Effective?

When a true victim reacts to abuse, the one who abused may use these reactive outbursts against the victim, sometimes even as blackmail or to gaslight them into believing that they’re the one actually causing harm. It gives them “evidence,” disregarding the abuse they actually initiated. The negative reaction is taken out of context and used against the victim, which is a way to silence or control them.

Reactive abuse also allows someone to refer to the victim as crazy or unstable, which can further cause psychological and emotional pain and damage to the victim. In extreme situations, those who cause harm have been known to go to the police and file for damages or find other ways to hold power over their victim.3

Is Reactive Abuse the Same as Mutual Abuse?

Mutual abuse is when both individuals abuse each other in the same way, equally and with the same frequency. Victims of abuse who try to defend themselves aren’t to be confused with those enacting mutual abuse, as those situations aren’t necessarily a reaction from an initial/primary abuse. Due to power imbalances in reactive abuse situations, one partner is likely primarily abusive while the other may be attempting to fight self-defense.

Reactive Abuse Examples

When an individual (the victim in the scenario) is trying to defend themselves, they may be verbally or physically aggressive back towards the one who caused harm. That person will consider that abuse and attempt to gaslight them into thinking they’re the abuser. This can occur in toxic friendships and relationships with narcissists.

Here’s a reactive abuse example: A boy may be bullied at school by another taller boy who is more popular. For months, the taller boy makes fun of the other boy’s height and lack of popularity, sometimes pushing him and taking his lunch money. One day, the smaller boy reaches his limit and goes off on the taller boy, making fun of the taller boy’s bad grades, and calling him names.

The taller boy plays the victim and acts like a martyr when he goes and tells his teacher what the smaller boy said. The smaller boy gets in trouble even though he has been the true victim for months on end.

ADVERTISEMENT

Treatment for Trauma & PTSD

Therapy for PTSD – Get help recovering from trauma from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers online therapy starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Free Assessment

Online PTSD Treatment – Talkiatry offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen and take insurance. Get matched with a specialist in just 15 minutes. Take their assessment.

What Are the Long Term Effects of Reactive Abuse?

The impact of long term reactive abuse gaslighting includes severe trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD.

The lasting effects of reactive abuse could include:4

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Sleep issues
  • Eating issues
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Inflammation
  • Increase in stress hormones
  • Chronic stress and migraines
  • Hair loss
  • Cardiac disease
  • Ulcer

6 Ways to Stop Reacting to Abuse

Ways to stop reacting to an abuse situation include the “gray rock method,” going no-contact, confiding in a trusted friend, learning to self-soothe, taking time apart, and meeting with a therapist.

Here are six ways to stop reacting to abuse:

1. Gray-Rock Method

This technique aims to change an abusive person’s behavior by not responding to the abuse or acknowledging the interactions they try to have with you. This helps make the person who caused harm feel less dominant and less in control of their victim’s mood and emotions. It can even help shut them down. It also helps the victim stand firm in their boundaries and regulate their emotions.

2. Go No-contact

This may seem counterintuitive given that in conflict situations we tend to want to lean in and resolve them or engage to reach a solution. Disengaging in this situation with reactive abuse can mitigate the heightened emotions of the angry person and force them to consider the source with the silence.

3. Phone a Friend

If the situation allows, give yourself some space and seek support from a friend or family member. If you are having a hard time disengaging or are prone to internalizing conflict, talking out the issue with someone else helps give perspective.

4. Self-soothe

Focus on your actions and emotions and comfort yourself. This isn’t selfish; in fact, it’s important to do so you don’t begin to internalize the projected anger. This can include mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, and allowing yourself to feel angry, upset, hurt, etc.

5. Re-enter the Situation After Some Time Apart

Before coming back from taking time and space away from the conflict, it’s important to ensure it was enough. When you are ready to speak and discuss the situation, approach things from the perspective of how that situation made you feel and stay firm in your position.

6. Talk to a Therapist

You can always talk to a therapist. Conflict can be hard to manage without learning the right types of tools for communication and coping mechanisms. Without professional help, this can lead to individuals feeling anxious, depressed, and traumatized.

Speaking with a professional as a couple, individual, or family can help people determine possible triggers, learn how to separate these anger feelings, and practice tools to manage anger issues and other variables.

ADVERTISEMENT

You Can Escape from a Narcissist

Therapy can help you leave and recover from a narcissistic relationship. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Free Assessment

How to Get Help & Find Healing From Abuse

Get help as soon as you notice reactive abuse gaslighting behavior (such as reactive abuse with narcissistic abuse and narcissistic rage) in the other person. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of having to deal with this dynamic, it’s important to seek help immediately.1

Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with abuse tendencies due to the major gaps in self awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It’s common for individuals who are dealing with abuse to end up in counseling by themselves.

In a family/couples dynamic, there may be more of the family present. Nonetheless, having a safe outlet to work through these issues is beneficial for anyone dealing with a narcissistic family member. Note that recovering from narcissistic abuse can take time.

You can find a therapist by asking a friend, consulting with your doctor, or searching an online therapist directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits.

Final Thoughts

What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. Abuse should never be tolerated.2 If you’re dealing with reactive abuse, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and learn how you can establish stronger boundaries and heal.

Reactive Abuse Infographics

What Is Reactive Abuse? Why Is Reactive Abuse so Effective for Abusers Ways to Stop Reacting to Abuse

Additional Resources

To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, ChoosingTherapy.com has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. ChoosingTherapy.com is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you. Free Assessment

PTSD Treatment & Medication Management Covered by Insurance

Talkiatry – offers personalized care from psychiatrists who listen. They offer medication management and they’re in-network with every major insurer. Take a free assessment.

Trauma & Abuse Newsletter

A free newsletter from the experts at ChoosingTherapy.com for those impacted by trauma or abuse. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up

ChoosingTherapy.com Directory 

Find local therapists that offer online and in-person therapy. Search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, and location. Find a therapist near you.

Best Online Therapy Services of 2025: Our Firsthand Experiences & Recommendations

Best Online Therapy Services

There are a number of factors to consider when trying to determine which online therapy platform is going to be the best fit for you. It’s important to be mindful of what each platform costs, the services they provide you with, their providers’ training and level of expertise, and several other important criteria.

Read more
Trauma Newsletter

A free newsletter for those impacted by trauma. Get helpful tips and the latest information.

Sources

ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Churchill, L. (2018). Surviving Narcissism: A guide to maintaining your sanity while escaping tyranny. Lester Churchill. https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Lester_Churchill_Surviving_Narcissism?id=c6ZMDwAAQBAJ

  • Murphy, C. M., Eckhardt, C. I., Clifford, J. M., LaMotte, A. D., & Meis, L. A. (2020). Individual versus group cognitive-behavioral therapy for partner-violent men: a preliminary randomized trial. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(15-16), 2846-2868. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29294732/

  • Howard, V. (2022). (Gas) lighting Their Way to Coercion and Violation in Narcissistic Abuse: An Autoethnographic Exploration. Journal of Autoethnography, 3(1), 84-102 https://online.ucpress.edu/joae/article-abstract/3/1/84/119546/Gas-lighting-Their-Way-to-Coercion-and-Violation

  • Burnett, K. A. (2020). Covert Psychological Abuse and the Process of Breaking Free: A Transformative Mixed-Methods Study on Female Survivors of Male Partners (Doctoral dissertation, Fuller Theological Seminary, School of Psychology). https://www.proquest.com/openview/fb83bb199b5b1c2d69bc537a11b6e621/1.pdf

Show more Click here to open the article sources container.

Your Voice Matters

Can't find what you're looking for?

Request an article! Tell ChoosingTherapy.com’s editorial team what questions you have about mental health, emotional wellness, relationships, and parenting. Our licensed therapists are just waiting to cover new topics you care about!

Request an Article

Leave your feedback for our editors.

Share your feedback on this article with our editors. If there’s something we missed or something we could improve on, we’d love to hear it.

Our writers and editors love compliments, too. :)

Leave Feedback
ChoosingTherapy.com Logo White
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service

FOR IMMEDIATE HELP CALL:

Medical Emergency: 911

Suicide Hotline: 988

View More Crisis Hotlines
Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on X
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube

© 2025 Choosing Therapy, Inc. All rights reserved.

X