• Mental Health
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • ADHD
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy
      • Online Therapy for Teens
      • Best LGBTQ Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy for Insurance
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Grief Counselors
    • Online Therapists
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
  • Mental Health
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • ADHD
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy
      • Online Therapy for Teens
      • Best LGBTQ Online Therapy
      • Best Online Therapy for Insurance
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Grief Counselors
    • Online Therapists
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
Skip to content

Reactive Abuse: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

Published: July 12, 2022 Updated: March 29, 2023
Published: 07/12/2022 Updated: 03/29/2023
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD
  • What Is Reactive Abuse?Definition
  • Reactive Abuse ExamplesExamples
  • What Are the Long Term Effects of Reactive Abuse?Effects
  • Ways to Stop Reacting to AbuseStop Reacting
  • How to Get Help & Find Healing From AbuseGet Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Reactive Abuse InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD

In a situation where one person abuses another, the other person may react. When this happens, the person who caused harm may be on the receiving end of an attack. They may then claim that the abused individual (who is acting in self-defense) is the abuser. This is a type of gaslighting called reactive abuse. It gives the one causing harm something to hold over the abused person’s head.

Would you like help recovering from a relationship with a narcissist? BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Reactive abuse is a common manipulation tactic that places blame for abuse onto the abused. It’s commonly associated with gaslighting as this tactic aims to convince or rewrite the story, claiming the person who caused harm is actually a victim. This is also used by narcissists, as they often will play the role of the victim when they’re being faced with consequences for their actions.

Why Is Reactive Abuse so Effective?

When a true victim reacts to abuse, the one who abused may use these reactive outbursts against the victim, sometimes even as blackmail or to gaslight them into believing that they’re the one actually causing harm. It gives them “evidence,” disregarding the abuse they actually initiated. The negative reaction is taken out of context and used against the victim, which is a way to silence or control them.

Reactive abuse also allows someone to refer to the victim as crazy or unstable, which can further cause psychological and emotional pain and damage to the victim. In extreme situations, those who cause harm have been known to go to the police and file for damages or find other ways to hold power over their victim.3

Is Reactive Abuse the Same as Mutual Abuse?

Mutual abuse is when both individuals abuse each other in the same way, equally and with the same frequency. Victims of abuse who try to defend themselves aren’t to be confused with those enacting mutual abuse, as those situations aren’t necessarily a reaction from an initial/primary abuse. Due to power imbalances in reactive abuse situations, one partner is likely primarily abusive while the other may be attempting to fight self-defense.

Reactive Abuse Examples

When an individual (the victim in the scenario) is trying to defend themselves, they may be verbally or physically aggressive back towards the one who caused harm. That person will consider that abuse and attempt to gaslight them into thinking they’re the abuser. This can occur in toxic friendships and relationships with narcissists.

Here’s a reactive abuse example: A boy may be bullied at school by another taller boy who is more popular. For months, the taller boy makes fun of the other boy’s height and lack of popularity, sometimes pushing him and taking his lunch money. One day, the smaller boy reaches his limit and goes off on the taller boy, making fun of the taller boy’s bad grades, and calling him names.

The taller boy plays the victim and acts like a martyr when he goes and tells his teacher what the smaller boy said. The smaller boy gets in trouble even though he has been the true victim for months on end.

What Are the Long Term Effects of Reactive Abuse?

The impact of long term reactive abuse gaslighting includes severe trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD.

The lasting effects of reactive abuse could include:4

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Sleep issues
  • Eating issues
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Inflammation
  • Increase in stress hormones
  • Chronic stress and migraines
  • Hair loss
  • Cardiac disease
  • Ulcer

6 Ways to Stop Reacting to Abuse

Ways to stop reacting to an abuse situation include the “gray rock method,” going no-contact, confiding in a trusted friend, learning to self-soothe, taking time apart, and meeting with a therapist.

Here are six ways to stop reacting to abuse:

1. Gray-Rock Method

This technique aims to change an abusive person’s behavior by not responding to the abuse or acknowledging the interactions they try to have with you. This helps make the person who caused harm feel less dominant and less in control of their victim’s mood and emotions. It can even help shut them down. It also helps the victim stand firm in their boundaries and regulate their emotions.

2. Go No-contact

This may seem counterintuitive given that in conflict situations we tend to want to lean in and resolve them or engage to reach a solution. Disengaging in this situation with reactive abuse can mitigate the heightened emotions of the angry person and force them to consider the source with the silence.

3. Phone a Friend

If the situation allows, give yourself some space and seek support from a friend or family member. If you are having a hard time disengaging or are prone to internalizing conflict, talking out the issue with someone else helps give perspective.

4. Self-soothe

Focus on your actions and emotions and comfort yourself. This isn’t selfish; in fact, it’s important to do so you don’t begin to internalize the projected anger. This can include mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, and allowing yourself to feel angry, upset, hurt, etc.

5. Re-enter the Situation After Some Time Apart

Before coming back from taking time and space away from the conflict, it’s important to ensure it was enough. When you are ready to speak and discuss the situation, approach things from the perspective of how that situation made you feel and stay firm in your position.

6. Talk to a Therapist

You can always talk to a therapist. Conflict can be hard to manage without learning the right types of tools for communication and coping mechanisms. Without professional help, this can lead to individuals feeling anxious, depressed, and traumatized.

Speaking with a professional as a couple, individual, or family can help people determine possible triggers, learn how to separate these anger feelings, and practice tools to manage anger issues and other variables.

How to Get Help & Find Healing From Abuse

Get help as soon as you notice reactive abuse gaslighting behavior (such as reactive abuse with narcissistic abuse and narcissistic rage) in the other person. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of having to deal with this dynamic, it’s important to seek help immediately.1

Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with abuse tendencies due to the major gaps in self awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It’s common for individuals who are dealing with abuse to end up in counseling by themselves.

In a family/couples dynamic, there may be more of the family present. Nonetheless, having a safe outlet to work through these issues is beneficial for anyone dealing with a narcissistic family member. Note that recovering from narcissistic abuse can take time.

You can find a therapist by asking a friend, consulting with your doctor, or searching an online therapist directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits.

Final Thoughts

What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. Abuse should never be tolerated.2 If you’re dealing with reactive abuse, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and learn how you can establish stronger boundaries and heal.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Virtual Psychiatry

Talkiatry – Get help from a real doctor that takes your insurance. Talkiatry offers medication management and online visits with top-rated psychiatrists. Take the online assessment and have your first appointment within a week. Free Assessment

Trauma & Abuse Newsletter

A free newsletter for those impacted by trauma or abuse. Get encouragement, helpful tips, and the latest information. Sign Up

Mindfulness

Mindfulness.com – Change your life by practicing mindfulness. In a few minutes a day, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Guided Psychedelic Journeys

Innerwell – Ketamine is a prescription medication that clinicians can prescribe off-label to treat trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD. Innerwell pairs ketamine with support from licensed psychotherapists. Find out if you’re a good candidate: Take Online Assessment 

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Talkiatry, Innerwell, and Mindfulness.com

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

Reactive Abuse Infographics

What Is Reactive Abuse? Why Is Reactive Abuse so Effective for Abusers Ways to Stop Reacting to Abuse

4 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Churchill, L. (2018). Surviving Narcissism: A guide to maintaining your sanity while escaping tyranny. Lester Churchill. https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Lester_Churchill_Surviving_Narcissism?id=c6ZMDwAAQBAJ

  • Murphy, C. M., Eckhardt, C. I., Clifford, J. M., LaMotte, A. D., & Meis, L. A. (2020). Individual versus group cognitive-behavioral therapy for partner-violent men: a preliminary randomized trial. Journal of interpersonal violence, 35(15-16), 2846-2868. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29294732/

  • Howard, V. (2022). (Gas) lighting Their Way to Coercion and Violation in Narcissistic Abuse: An Autoethnographic Exploration. Journal of Autoethnography, 3(1), 84-102 https://online.ucpress.edu/joae/article-abstract/3/1/84/119546/Gas-lighting-Their-Way-to-Coercion-and-Violation

  • Burnett, K. A. (2020). Covert Psychological Abuse and the Process of Breaking Free: A Transformative Mixed-Methods Study on Female Survivors of Male Partners (Doctoral dissertation, Fuller Theological Seminary, School of Psychology). https://www.proquest.com/openview/fb83bb199b5b1c2d69bc537a11b6e621/1.pdf

Recent Articles

Narcissistic Projection: 6 Examples & How to Respond
Narcissistic Projection: 6 Examples & How to Respond
Narcissistic projection is a defense tactic narcissists use to pivot the blame of their actions onto others. This is...
';
Narcissist Smear Campaign What It Is, Tactics, and How to Deal with It
Narcissistic Smear Campaign: What It Is, Tactics, & How to Deal With It
A narcissistic smear campaign is used to discredit another person by hijacking the narrative of a relationship after it...
';
Narcissistic Daughter-in-Laws_ X Signs _ How to Deal With Them
Narcissistic Daughter-in-Laws: 10 Signs & How to Deal With Them
A narcissistic daughter-in-law will always put her needs and desires above those of others, including your son and any...
';
Narcissistic Depression
Narcissistic Depression: Signs, Risk Factors & Treatment
Several characteristics of narcissism may make narcissists more prone to experiencing depressive symptoms. Narcissists typically develop depression as a...
';
Narcissistic Grandmothers: 12 Signs & How to Deal With Them
Guilt trips, playing the victim, and passive-aggression are common narcissistic behaviors. When the narcissist is your grandmother, it can...
';
Male Narcissist Traits and How to Deal With One
Male Narcissist: 10 Traits & How to Deal With One
Men with narcissistic personality disorder will have an overinflated ego, need copious amounts of attention, and do not have...
';
Headshot of Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Written by:

Silvi Saxena

MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C
Headshot of Rajy Abulhosn, MD
Reviewed by:

Rajy Abulhosn

MD
  • What Is Reactive Abuse?Definition
  • Reactive Abuse ExamplesExamples
  • What Are the Long Term Effects of Reactive Abuse?Effects
  • Ways to Stop Reacting to AbuseStop Reacting
  • How to Get Help & Find Healing From AbuseGet Help
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Reactive Abuse InfographicsInfographics
If you are in need of immediate medical help:
Medical
Emergency
911
Suicide Hotline
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service
  • No Surprises Act
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
988
Click For More Crisis Hotlines
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
811
See more Crisis Hotlines
here
logo
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:
verify here.
This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.
Choosing Therapy Logo
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may visit Cookie Settings to provide controlled consent. Cookie settings ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

We use cookies to facilitate website functionality. Also, we use third-party cookies to track your website behavior and target advertising. These cookies are stored in your browser only with your consent, and you have the choice of opting out.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non Necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Save & Accept