Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves intentionally distorting the truth in order to manipulate another person to think, feel, or behave in a certain way. Gaslighters aim to get a person to doubt themselves and to not trust their own perceptions, making them easier to control and persuade.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a specific kind of emotional abuse that involves simultaneous attempts to convince a person of something untrue while also suggesting that they are wrong, crazy, or not seeing things clearly.1,2 Beyond normal persuasion, gaslighting is the intentional act of misleading someone and using manipulative or deceptive tactics to undermine their perception of reality. In relationships, gaslighting is usually a recurrent pattern of behavior aimed at breaking down a person’s ability to criticize, question or challenge the other person now and in the future.1,5
People have usually developed a relationship and earned a degree of trust, respect, or authority with their victims before they begin gaslighting them. Because of this, victims are more susceptible to being persuaded by the person, and also more likely to disregard gut feelings or doubts they have about them.1,5 They will often think something like, “they have my best interests at heart” or, “they wouldn’t lie to me,” especially children of gaslighting parents. Unfortunately, many people who are victims of gaslighting are actually in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic or sociopathic traits or tendencies.3
Gaslighters always have an ulterior motive that involves getting a person to agree with them, and sometimes also have other motives like hiding a secret, generating praise or an apology, or persuading a person to do something for them.5 This manipulation becomes easier over time as the other person becomes more unsure of themselves, giving the abuser the power to implant their own ideas and agendas. Essentially, gaslighting is about gaining complete control of another person by breaking them down and getting them to doubt themselves and question their reality.1,3,5
Gaslighters use several tactics to distort, manipulate, deceive and control their victims, including the following:1,2,4,5
- Minimization and denial
- Diversion tactics or changing the topic
- Being intentionally vague or using evasion
- Projecting blame or twisting things around
- Criticizing, shaming or demeaning the other person
- Stonewalling, shutting down and refusing to discuss a topic further
- Forming alliances with other people to attack the other person
- Undermining the person’s credibility by noting mistakes or flaws
- Weaponizing personal information about the person
- Using guilt trips or playing the victim
- Feigning innocence, ignorance or indignant anger when confronted
- Using veiled or subtle threats
- Mixing lies with truths to confuse another person
- Insisting they have good intentions or are the only ones who care
10 Warning Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can be hard to detect, especially because when it begins, it is often very subtle, only becoming more obvious when a person’s self-doubt has increased, at which point they are less likely to challenge the other person. Understanding the signs of gaslighting can help people identify some of the specific patterns, tactics, and phrases gaslighters use to manipulate and control people. Some of these are more common in romantic relationships, while others could be found in relationships with family members, friends, and even associates.
Ten signs of gaslighting include:4,5
- Your opinions, beliefs, personality, routines, interests or behavior has changed substantially since you began the relationship, representing more of the other person’s influence on you.
- The person often discredits you by pointing out your flaws, reminding you of your past mistakes, or using other personal information or inside knowledge of your insecurities against you.
- Since the relationship started (or just when you are with the other person), you feel less confident in your ability to express your feelings, opinions, wants and needs and feel you can’t make your own decisions.
- The other person always finds a way to turn their own mistakes around, blaming you or others, changing the subject or somehow avoiding admitting they were wrong or apologizing for their actions.
- The other person retells stories, events, and memories in a way that is very different than you remember, insisting that your memory is not accurate.
- The other person uses guilt, indignant anger, or other forms of emotional manipulation to get you to change your mind about something, see things their way, or make a different decision.
- The other person leverages the relationship or uses overt or veiled threats to control you, keep you silent, or make you do what they want.
- The other person forms “alliances” with other people, trying to turn them against you, playing both sides to incite conflict, or telling you the person has talked badly about you.
- You are scared to share your opinions or ideas and when you do, feel like you have to spend a lot of time preparing to explain, justify, or defend them to the other person.
- The person often ends conversations or debates without fully explaining their position or providing evidence to support their beliefs, leaving you confused.
In relationships, gaslighting is often used in combination with other types of abusive behavior.
While the signs listed above are specific to gaslighting, some of the additional signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship include:2,3,4
- Isolating a person from their support system, including friends and family members
- Not allowing a person to talk to other people about any aspects of the relationship
- Name calling, criticizing, demeaning or putting someone down
- Using spoken or implied threats to control a person’s behavior
- Withholding affection, money, resources or sex to “punish” a person
- Excessive tracking or monitoring of a person’s actions, finances, or interactions
- Controlling what a person eats, how they dress, or what they do
- Embarrassing or humiliating a person in front of other people
- Unpredictable changes between extreme affection, anger, or ignoring a person
- Sharing private information about the person with others
- Enforcing rules for a person that they don’t follow (double standards)
- Making threats to end the relationship, harm the person or people they care about, or to harm themselves if the other person doesn’t do what they want
Effects of Gaslighting: What Victims Experience
Gaslighting is a form of emotionally abusive, manipulative, and controlling behavior that is typically part of a larger pattern of abuse in unhealthy relationships. Gaslighting can occur in any relationship, but is especially detrimental in close, long-term relationships like those with romantic partners or family members. Being in close and frequent contact with a gaslighter leads to the most severe and lasting negative effects on a person, and sometimes requires extensive counseling and treatment to recover from.
The specific kinds of negative effects of gaslighting are similar to those of other forms of emotional abuse, and include:1,2,4,5
Increased Self-Doubt
People who have been the victims of gaslighting have a difficult time trusting themselves to do things on their own, and even to think for themselves. When they do, they may constantly re-evaluate and obsess over past decisions or tasks, afraid that they made a mistake or missed something. This lack of self-trust can show up in any area of their lives including in other relationships, decisions they make, and at work.
Passivity
People who have been victims of gaslighting often develop passive styles of communication, meaning that they work to avoid conflict and arguments with other people, even when doing so minimizes their own feelings, wants or needs. They become quick to agree and consent with the other person to avoid making them upset or abusive.
Shame and low Self-Worth
Even if they were confident before the relationship, victims of gaslighting will often develop the belief that they are inadequate, bad, weak, defective or “not good enough” in some way. These messages are often reinforced by the way the other person talks to them and treats them. Self esteem can plummet.
Loss of Identity
Because gaslighting is designed to undermine a person’s independent thoughts, feelings, and choices, victims often describe a loss of identity, which can trigger an identity crisis. They may have trouble knowing who they are, how they feel, or what they want outside of their relationship with the other person. They may have also made changes in the way they dress, behave, and act to conform to the expectations or demands of the other person.
Self-Blame
Because gaslighters often use blame and projection, victims may develop a habit of blaming and shaming themselves. They will often feel guilty, take the blame for others’ mistakes, and apologize profusely to other people, even when they have done nothing wrong.
Poor Boundaries
Gaslighting breaks down a person’s personal boundaries, which designate “lines” that determine what they will/will not accept or do. In relationships, victims of gaslighting will often be unable to say no or even say or do something the other person doesn’t agree with. These poor boundaries sometimes extend to their other relationships, where they might find that other people take advantage of them.
Psychological Distress
People who have been victims of gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse often suffer from high levels of stress, anxiety, or depression. They may try to internalize and suppress these emotions but find that they build up over time.
Unhealthy Coping Skills
Because of the intense emotional pain and distress that gaslighting victims experience, they may rely on unhealthy methods of coping like using drugs or alcohol or engaging in other destructive behaviors.
Examples of Gaslighting
Sometimes, having concrete examples of gaslighting can help people identify what it is, and whether or not they are experiencing it. Gaslighting is especially hard to detect because it is often very subtle and occurs as a pattern of interactions, rather than just one conversation.
Below are a few examples which illustrate the different ways that gaslighting can manifest in a person’s relationships:
Example of Gaslighting During An Affair
A person in a committed relationship is having an affair, but whenever they are confronted or questioned by their partner, they become angry and indignant. They might even accuse their partner of having a “guilty conscience,” suggesting they are the ones cheating, or they may cite past examples of times when their partner has made false accusations. When their partner isn’t looking, they install Tinder on their phone and reactivate their old profile. Later, they pretend to innocently check the partner’s phone and act shocked, hurt, and angry when they “discover” the app has been re-activated.
Example of Gaslighting Among Close Friends
Someone accuses a close friend of being selfish when they want to spend a holiday with their significant other instead of with them. They might make up lies that other mutual friends have said similar things behind their back, or cite other made-up examples of this behavior. This is classic behavior of a toxic friend. This friend always needs the other person to put them first, do everything with them, tell them everything, and agree on all matters. They may take credit for decisions their friend makes saying they were the ones who suggested it, or distort memories of bad things that have happened because they didn’t take their advice.
Example of an Abusive Mother Gaslighting
An abusive mother portrays themselves in public as loving and caring, even though they are actually mean, abusive, and neglectful. When the mother is abusive at home, she will often yell at the child, scream, and even hit the child. Later on, she will act as if this never happened, making up other stories to the child about how they got certain bruises. The mother will often tell the child that things they remember are just their “imagination” and warn them that if they tell other people these things, they will believe the child is crazy and lock them away.
Example of a Boss Gaslighting an Employee
Someone witnesses their boss being physically intimate with a coworker but when they try to confront their boss about it, he acts shocked and appalled at the accusations. Referencing personal knowledge they’ve shared with him, the boss asks if they have still been attending counseling, stating they are concerned about their mental health. They even share these concerns with other leaders in the company, asking one of them to have a meeting with the worker to evaluate whether she is emotionally “fit” for her position. This kind of gaslighting is common among narcissistic bosses.
Gaslighting After a Sexual Assault
A mutual friend takes advantage of a woman on a night out when she is very drunk, telling their friends he is bringing her home to make sure she gets home safely. Instead, he sexually assaults her. He then tells all of their friends that she threw herself on him and made sexual advances on him, saying he was distressed and uncomfortable and tried to say no. When she calls to confront him about what he has done, he retells the false version of events, and states that if she doesn’t admit and apologize, he will not feel comfortable being her friend. He might also state that their other mutual friends feel the same way.
Example of Gaslighting Between Siblings
A girl is very jealous of her sister, who always seems more popular and well-liked than her. Because of her jealousy, she tries to undermine her sister’s sense of confidence and self-esteem, convincing her that other people are talking badly about her and are only pretending to like her. She convinces her sister that she is the only one she can really trust, and encourages her to distance herself from her friends. Meanwhile, she goes to her sister’s friends and tells them that she is really worried about her sister, who has been acting strangely, more withdrawn, and has even been saying bad things about them. Through these deceptive tactics, often seen in a narcissistic family member or sibling, she destroys her sister’s self-esteem, reputation, and relationships.
5 Ways to Respond to Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves the intentional use of deception and manipulation to control how another person thinks, feels and behaves. Most of the time, gaslighting is just one of many tactics a person will use to control someone, making it a component of a larger pattern of abuse. Abusive relationships are often ones that people need to end or get out of, unless the other person is willing to admit to their behavior, seek help, and make lasting changes. This is especially true in relationships where a person is not able to bring up their concerns openly because they are afraid of the person or feel it is unsafe to do so.
Some relationships are not ones that people can end, or there may be situations where they don’t want or need to end the relationship. In these cases, there are some general ways that they can respond differently to gaslighting and also protect themselves from its negative and harmful effects.
Five effective ways to respond to gaslighting include:
1. Set & Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries designate the “rules” of a relationship, outlining what behavior is acceptable and which is not. Boundaries also include being able to say no to another person, confront them when they are being disrespectful, and preserve a sense of independence and identity in a relationship. Healthy relationships are ones that have clear, consistent boundaries that ensure both people feel safe, supported, and respected.
2. Agree to Disagree
Gaslighting is largely an attempt to get another person to change what they believe or how they perceive something, but it is healthy for two people to have different perspectives. Consensus on everything is not necessary for a relationship to work, and also isn’t healthy. When you sense you are being persuaded or pressured to change your perception, try to cut the conversation off by agreeing to disagree or reiterating that it is ok for you to have a different opinion.
3. Stay Connected to Your Support System
Often, people in unhealthy or abusive relationships disconnect from their existing network of friends and family. Maintaining strong relationships with this existing support system is important for many reasons, but also helps to ensure you have other people to talk to and get input from. For people who are frequently gaslit, this can provide validation that helps them hold on to what they know is true.
4. Be Assertive
Relationships that are healthy are mutual, attending to the feelings, wants, and needs of both people, not just one person. Assertiveness is a direct, honest, and open style of communication that helps people stand up for themselves, ask for what they need and want, and express their feelings and opinions. Assertiveness is different than aggression because while it is a direct form of communication, it respects the other person and makes room for how they think, feel and what they want.
5. Maintain Your Individuality
Maintaining your individuality in a relationship means that you continue to make time for the things you are interested in and enjoy doing, even if these aren’t things the other person likes to do. Maintaining individuality also means staying connected with the things that you believe in, finding ways to express yourself, and protecting the unique things that make you who you are.
When to Get Professional Help for Gaslighting
Many times, victims do not identify emotional abuse until a relationship ends or until they share their experiences with a counselor or even a trusted friend or family member. The moment of revelation that a person has or is being gaslit is often very emotionally intense, confusing, and includes many conflicting thoughts and feelings. A person may also be able to identify other types of abuse in the relationship that occur alongside gaslighting.
It is normal for this kind of revelation to cause people to question the story in their mind of who they are, who the other person is, and what kind of relationship they really have with them. Counselors can provide emotional support during this time that is really helpful, and can also guide them through the process of integrating the information, healing, and figuring out what to do next.
People who are experiencing a lot of distress or confusion about their relationship should consider seeking the help of a counselor. Sometimes, couples counseling is also needed in addition to or instead of individual counseling. Most people begin their search for a counselor online by conducting a google search, using a therapist directory, or contacting their insurance company to find an in-network therapist. When choosing a therapist, it is often a good idea to talk to several therapists (most offer free consultations) to find one who is a good fit for your needs.
Final Thoughts on Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can have many harmful effects on a person, their self-esteem, and their mental health. Luckily, many people who have been victims of gaslighting or other forms of emotional abuse are able to heal from these experiences with the help of a counselor, therapist, or even a trusted friend. They can also learn ways to set boundaries, be assertive, form healthier relationships with others, and protect themselves from emotionally abusive people.
For Further Reading
Gaslighting Infographics
