What Is Sexual Compatibility? 7 Signs You & Your Partner Are Sexually Compatible

What Is Sexual Compatibility?

Sexual compatibility refers to the extent to which partners share mutual desires, preferences, and boundaries in their intimate relationship. It is less likely to be an all-yes or all-no conclusion, so looking at the broader picture of the following signs and the overall relationship will help you gain confidence and security in your sexual connection. Sexual compatibility is also not essential to relationship success. Relationship expert Dr. Dan Wile endorses that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”¹

Sexual connection could be one of the problems that the relationship struggles with. Still, it does not have to be a problem that sends the relationship into contemplating their future together. Sex and the experience of sex is in the context of love and all the other emotions we experience throughout our life and relationship. Sexual connection and compatibility is an important relationship dimension, but it is only one dimension in the context of the others at play.

Similar Sexual Needs & Desires

Having similar sexual appetites can be helpful to the relationship. Let’s think of sexual appetites as if they were appetites for cuisine for a moment. If your partner enjoys a food that you do not, it does not have to ruin your relationship with them. Now, if or when the relationship never indulges in each other’s preferences, this is where resentments grow. Back to sex now: the sexual preferences, desires, appetites, and needs that we have as humans in terms of frequency and satisfaction need to be met in the relationship so long as physical and emotional safety is at the forefront.

Here are some examples of what sexually compatible relationships look like:

• Agreement on what sex means. Couples who agree on what sex is in their relationship will often agree on what they wish to do together. If, for one person, sex is more about the lead into sex and the other person focuses on penetration-only as sex, then there could be conflict around the connection that leads to sex because the couple sees things differently.
• Sexual frequency: Couples often have issues with the frequency of sexual experiences together, and this is understandable since our sexual appetite changes depending on the circumstances around us. Generally speaking, if or when sexual desire is low, it is because stress is dominant over the sexual desire so the focus in the relationship needs to be to resolve the stress cycle to create a safe atmosphere for connection to happen.^2,3
• Sexual duration: Everyone has different expectations for how long sex should last and how long partners want sex to last. Working together as a team to make the timing just right is euphoric and challenging. Not enough time and too much time are challenging in their own ways.
• Process of sex: Couples who can share their expectations and preferences around how sex unfolds will lead to greater connection. For example, some couples enjoy spontaneous sex that is organic and passionate, while others enjoy something rhythmic and expectable to make the situation safe and reliable. This also differs from person to person and when/how orgasms are experienced.⁷
• When sex is over: Couples can expect to cuddle, clean up, reminisce, stay unclothed, redress, get food, smoke, etc., after orgasm, but this is important to discuss so that each person knows what the other person wants and what to do after sex is over.
• Environment: For some couples, the environment is more important than others. It would be important to know from your partner if the kitchen table is off-limits before you attempt to get frisky. Dr. Emily Nagoski says that couples need to learn to “turn on the [turn] on’s and off their [turn] off’s.”²
• Specific sex acts: Talking about what you enjoy sexually and your fantasies is paramount to the deepest sexual satisfaction and connection. Some couples may need professional support to address specific sexual requests that feel uncomfortable. Often, when sex acts are requested and are reminiscent of a sensitive area of one’s past, the relationship past, or the value system around sex, the request, when complied with, becomes more harmful than bonding.
• Requests for sex: If the relationship relied on both people being in the mood for sex, sex would be seldom. Asking for sex and gently refusing sex when uninterested must be a non-stressful part of sexual experiences.

7 Signs You & Your Partner Are Sexually Compatible

The sexual experience is less of a deal-breaker in relationships than some might think; conflict or disagreement in sex could be something that couples manage for the entirety of the relationship. Sex is a crucial component of a relationship and within someone’s own life experience aside from the relationship. This means that clarity internally will lead to clarity relationally in sex.

The following are seven signs that could suggest you’re sexually compatible:

1. You Have Similar Sexual Desires

Talking through what you want in your fantasies, as well as in regular or routine sexual encounters, will help give the relationship clarity on what it wants to do together. Having similar sexual interests will also help in this discussion, but it is not essential.

Having similar desires for positions, timing, roles, progressions, toys, lubricants, and special interests will all be helpful discussions. Overlap in these areas will make the application of the discussion easy. When there is no overlap or agreement, then this would be an area of the relationship that the couple would need to navigate to avoid long-term resentments of not meeting desires or fantasies.

2. You Make Time for Sexual & Emotional Intimacy

Beyond the sexual feelings, there is emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is how the relationship develops a deeper capacity for connection in all areas of life, both inside and outside the bedroom. Emotional intimacy comes through trust, healing past hurts, discussing bigger purposes and hopes for the future, and getting help.

Emotional intimacy can be developed through small everyday moments that lead to connection and safety. Sharing past hurts and wounds could be troubling to the relationship, but with time paired with positive experiences, the relationship can deepen and widen the capacity for sharing, connection, and love. This capacity brings space for passion and intensity in all relationship dimensions, including sex.

3. You Know Each Other’s Turn Ons

Focusing on turn-ons will help them stay on during sexual experiences together. Couples who spend time discussing what they want, need, and prefer and having partners who honor and endorse these will make the connections more meaningful in the relationship. Turn-ons are the fuel that the mind and body use to create positive experiences in the relationship during sex. The opposite is also true: things that are turn-offs are the brakes that the mind and body use to slow down sexual processes from happening.²

Examples of this could include having specific procedures that get the sexual excitement building or relaxation techniques that make it easier to access sexual desires and feelings together. For some, this is a physical practice, while for others, this could look like intellectual words, sayings, or dirty talk, all at the right time.

4. You Talk About Past Negative Sexual Experiences

If you can discuss what you like, the opposite must be addressed, processed, and explored. In the context of sexual experiences, there are inevitably negative experiences that are paired with sex. For some, this is rooted in culture, gendered dominant views/values, sex education, religion, affairs/betrayals, or trauma.

Talking through what we have been through is essential to understanding what we would like and how to move forward. Healing can happen through working on the past hurts with a safe person in new ways. In the case of affairs and betrayals or sexual trauma, these may require professional assistance and could contribute to sexual difficulties in relationships and be masked as compatibility issues as opposed to past unresolved issues preventing free experiencing in the present.

5. You Heal Past Wounds

When sexual experiences hurt physically or emotionally, intentionally or unintentionally, safe relationships will seek to repair what has been hurt or damaged. Couples who talk about their past injuries sustained by their partner with that partner are generally better off than those who hide their past issues from one another.

Talking about past wounds, accepting responsibility, and making proactive plans to be safe with one another can help the relationship move forward meaningfully. Couples who seek to reconcile after wounds can find peace after the pain so long as the wound is not re-opened in the future.

6. You Accept Each Other’s Fantasy

Sexual fantasy is a core component of sexual experience. The reason we have fantasies about sex is the imagined longing to be close and what the closeness would allow for. Sex is experienced in the body and mind simultaneously.⁴ As chemicals are released in the brain, the body reacts and can also include imagery, ideation, and memory inside the brain. As fantasy is identified and shared, this can create some anxiety and tension in the relationship since this can be rejected and, if not handled with care, would be internalized as rejecting something so personal and intimate to the partner that it could prevent further fantasy and connection from being shared, or even generated.

Accepting a fantasy does not mean you have to do or follow through with the fantasy’s details, but focusing on what the fantasy suggests and how it would lead to intimacy and closeness is the main goal. Accepting the fantasy’s impulse to become close will help the fantasy’s goal of getting close, to happen.

7. Touch Does Not Always Lead to Sex

If touch in certain ways or certain body parts always leads to sex, this could be a way that the relationship uses sex to get close to each other as opposed to the other methods listed above (talking, emotional intimacy, seeking resolution, seeking healing, exploring fantasies together). Touch in non-sensual/non-sexual ways like hugs, hand holding, eye contact, and back massage could all connect the relationship and build capacity for intimacy and passion later on.

Touch can also be a way that people are groomed to have sexual experiences that become routine. In some cases, foot rubs that were originally used as a way to relax before sex could be interpreted by the receiver as payment for sex in return for the foot rub. Therefore, foot rubs before sex,without sexual expectations in return will make the foot rubs enjoyable in all circumstances since there is no expectation for sex.

Can Couples Improve Sexual Compatibility?

Couples can improve their sexual compatibility by talking through their conflicts, fantasies, expectations, desires, and dreams about what it means to be close and what it means to be sexual to them. Many communication difficulties could limit relationships when they don’t naturally have these types of discussions together. Giving the relationship time to have positive experiences could be good, but it can also perpetuate the previous problems if not intentionally worked on. With time, having consistently positive experiences together (romantically, relationally, and sexually) will increase the positivity experienced together.

The following are signs you and your partner could improve sexual compatibility:

• Your partner responds positively when you ask for something sexual: An easy way to engage them when discussing sex is to ask them: “Tell me more about ____” when you are interested in what they are asking for or about.
• You share the same opinions about public displays of affection (PDA): Some people enjoy others seeing their expressions of love and affection. This is also largely cultural, as in the United States, couples generally are not expressive of their sexual or romantic feelings in public as they might be in Europe or other parts of the world.
• You agree about how to enjoy sexy movie scenes: Watching others be sexual can be a turn-on for your relationship, but you must be on the same page. For some couples, seeing others be sexual is a turn-off since it does not involve themselves.
• You share the same opinion about flirty or sexy texting: Dirty talk and text, sexting, and steamy voice messages can be exciting to receive, but the relationship would need to agree on expectations, security, destruction, or terms of these types of communications. Especially in the digital age, these can be weaponized messages after breakups.
• You agree about the use of pornography: The research is still unclear on the effectiveness of pornography in boosting sexual connection.^5,6
• You know when your partner prefers to make love: Having an up-to-date understanding of what and when your partner enjoys sex will make sex more enjoyable.
• You have internal clarity on what sex means to you, and you can share this with your partner as you understand more of yourself. Like many experiences in life, it is a process to understand. Sex is not something that you know once and it stays static forever. If you allow yourself to explore yourself and share your findings with your partner, your intimacy will grow.

There are limitless possibilities for expectations, desires, and hopes for sex as there are infinite combinations of relationships in the world on top of life stages, stress levels, illness, and injury. Sexual needs and expectations are moving targets for people in relationships, which is why relationships become conflicted, sexless, or avoidant when they don’t prioritize regular sexual communication.

When to Seek Professional Help for Sexual Compatibility

Sex therapy could be helpful for couples who want more connection, meaning, or satisfaction in their sex together. More complex issues like trauma, affairs, betrayals or conflicts about sex acts could be soothed faster with professional assistance or help. With therapy online being more available, couples can get help with their relationship from the comfort of their own home (or bedroom). Therapy for these issues can involve teaching best practices for sexual connection, communication, and conflict resolution. Using an online therapist directory makes finding a therapist easier.

In My Experience

In couples therapy, issues around sexual satisfaction and frequency often can lead to avoidance of the issues with their partner(s). Sometimes, this is mutual, and others, this is something that the relationship attempts to work through at different periods of the relationship. In short, sexual difficulties are a large stressor for most relationships in therapy.

I think that sexual difficulties often come from difficulties in conflict, connection, and pain from the past. When problems persist in the relationship for a long time, couples can learn to manage and avoid their problems and each other. Without an eager, focused, and intentional development of friendship and shared meaning in the relationship, it can feel stale- because nothing is growing.

For people who are considering getting help for their sexual connection, the future is bright. By tackling the issues that are difficult, awkward, sensitive, and evolving, the relationship will learn how to respond to the end to keep the connection growing. Connection leads to satisfaction, safety, and commitment. All of these make relationships safe enough to talk about wounds alongside the fantasies or dreams we have about and with our partner.