Sex is often an important component to romantic relationships; however, if you can’t have traditional sexual intercourse or choose not to, there is nothing wrong with your relationship. Humans choose or adapt to all kinds of arrangements. Still, for many people, especially those in a long-term relationship, a healthy sex life is essential. It helps build a bond with your partner, express your love, and can even improve self-confidence.
Does Sexual Satisfaction Lead to Relationship Satisfaction?
There seems to be consensus that, at least for many people, sexual satisfaction impacts relationship satisfaction.1,2,3,4 Not only do people with satisfying sex lives feel better about their relationships, they also have higher ratings of happiness and mental health.5,6,7 Several researchers found that people who report having a satisfying sex life also report feeling that their lives have more meaning.8,9
“Sex is a whole-body, whole-person investment in the life and pleasure of another,” says Carole Cullen LMFT. “If it is important to at least one of you, it is critical to fight for it for the sake of your relationship.”
Benefits of Sex In a Relationship
Sex is good for you. Sex in a relationship has many benefits, including reduced anxiety, improved sleep, decreased physical pain, and increased intimacy.
Sexual satisfaction in a relationship has these benefits:
- Builds trust and intimacy
- Helps heal old emotional and sexual injuries
- Helps you become an expert on your partner
- Helps you learn about yourself
- Builds self-esteem
- Supports good health
- Improves sleep
- Reduces anxiety and stress
- Decreases physical pain (e.g. migraines)
- Leads to wanting more sex
- Promotes better cognitive function
Ideal Frequency of Sex In a Relationship
One study found that greater frequency is related to greater sexual satisfaction in both women and men.10,11,12,13 But there is no magic number that works for everyone. The optimal frequency is usually an average between each person’s libido, because libidos are rarely equally matched. Like all things in relationships, sexual frequency needs to feel fair to both parties.
Cullen says, “There is no right or wrong amount of sex that couples should be having in their relationship. However, if one of you feels frequency is a concern in your relationship then you should make time to discuss what the expectations are or barriers to meeting each other’s needs in this area.”
Differences In Libido
If one partner seems to have no desire for sex and the other does, this could present significant challenges to the relationship. Each partner should take a non-judgemental, sympathetic stance towards their partner’s natural libido level and negotiate from there. Work on talking openly about libido levels and any feelings of rejection or frustration, especially if you feel like you’re headed toward a sexless marriage or relationship.
While many studies show that frequency of sex correlates with sexual satisfaction, it does not always tell the whole story. A satisfying sex life and a warm interpersonal climate seem to matter more than greater frequency of intercourse.13 If both parties feel that the sexual encounters themselves are satisfying and that there’s a high degree of emotional intimacy, then frequency becomes secondary, albeit often not entirely insignificant.
Sex & Gender
Research tends to show that cisgendered men think about sex more frequently than women.7,14,15 Research on this topic hasn’t fully caught up with diversity and inclusion efforts, so while gay men, lesbian women, and cisgendered heterosexual couples have all been surveyed, transgendered and non-binary people are conspicuously absent from research.
One national survey found that over 50% of the men reported thinking about sex daily, whereas only 20% of the women reported thinking about sex that often.7 Another study on desire and gender replicated those findings; in their study, 91% of the men but only 52% of the women experienced sexual desire several times a week or more.
In other studies on daily sexual thoughts, twenty-somethings were asked to monitor their sexual feelings for one week. Researchers found that men had more than twice as many sexual urges each day as compared to the women.14,15 These results loosely held for people who identified as being same-sex attracted, as well as those who were married or cohabitating.14,15
Still, cisgendered women’s libido is complex. Some literature says that many women may not generate their own sexual fantasy, images, or impulses so much as choose to respond to those brought by their partner. Many women resonate with the idea of two different types of sex drive— instigative and receptive. Some women seem to have much more of a responsive vs. initiative drive.16,17,18
Causes of a Changing Sex Drive
There are many reasons why you or your partner may experience a change in sex drive, including big life changes, new medications, health issues, mental health concerns, and hormonal imbalances.
These things can all impact someone’s sex life:
- Life transitions (e.g., childbirth, menopause, new job, job loss, grief, etc.)
- Infertility
- Hormone changes
- Medication side effects
- Mental health issues
Relationship issues (e.g., infidelity, an emotional affair, or other betrayal trauma)
Tips to Approach the Topic of Sex With Your Partner
Sex can be a sensitive topic for couples to discuss. Be aware that many people feel some inadequacy or shame around sex, so be conscious of their feelings and reactions. For example, saying “I really enjoy our sex and love having you as my partner, but I was hoping we could try some different things,” or “I wanted to see if we could increase/decrease the frequency a bit” tends to go over better vs. “I’m feeling bored in the bedroom” or “Can you stop asking me for sex all the time?”
Here are tips to approach the topic of sex with your partner:
Pick the Right Time
When starting a conversation about sex, make sure you have enough time to finish the topic. Don’t bring it up if you have been drinking or doing drugs, or if one of you is tired or had a bad day. Pick a time when you are both relaxed and can handle the complex subject.
Pay Attention to Your Partner’s Reaction
As with all communication, remember to watch your partner for signs of distress. If you see them getting uncomfortable, take a minute to pause, breathe, and help them settle. When thinking through how to best communicate in your relationship, paying attention to cues from your partner can be incredibly important to make sure you are both on the same page.
Take the Pressure Off
If you feel awkward about starting the conversation, there are games you can purchase online or in stores that ask questions about sexual fantasies, positions, and practices. This can create a more playful mood and take the pressure off.
Be Playful
Sexual toys can be helpful if you’re having any physical issues (erectile dysfunction, delayed orgasm, etc.). These days, it’s easy to buy them discreetly from reputable websites, or you can visit a local store. This can be a fun date with a partner and a great way to start the conversation about what you might want to change in your sex life.
See a Relationship or Marriage Counselor
For many couples, professional support is necessary to effectively talk about sex or mismatched libidos. If either person is struggling to broach the topic, consider attending marriage or couples counseling. Sometimes, it may be appropriate to attend sex therapy specifically.
Asexuality
Asexuality is a consistent and widely found variation in human sexuality that deserves representation, understanding, and respect. The Asexuality Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) has 30,000 members to date. In studies, asexual people were just as likely to be involved in an intimate partnership as those who identified as sexual. The two groups were comparable in general well-being, life satisfaction, and social support.19,20
Other Ways to Build Intimacy Outside of Sex
In general, ways to build intimacy outside of sex include:
- Holding hands
- Cuddling
- Date nights or activities you both enjoy
- Frequent hugs and kisses
- Meaningful conversation
Prolonged Eye Contact
One “bio hack” for connecting and building intimacy is eye contact. While everyone’s comfort with it varies, most people can tolerate and even enjoy brief periods of it. Try sitting face to face with your partner, a little less than arm’s length apart, and look into each other’s eyes. Notice if you see any changes on their face, in their breathing patterns, or in their posture. At first, they may tense up, but after a few seconds, you should see the muscles of the face begin to relax, posture soften, and breathing slow.
One-Minute Hugs
Another great way to build intimacy in couples is belly-to-belly, chest-to-chest hugs. You press the ventral vagus nerve branch of each partner against the other, causing a relaxation response. Hold this for at least 60 seconds; like with eye contact, you may notice them stiffen before relaxing. If you feel areas of tension, move your hands to those areas and rub gently.
Benefits of Nonsexual Skin-to-Skin Contact
Couples who are not engaging in regular sexual contact (at least a few times per month) should try to dedicate 10-15 minutes per day to be in skin-to-skin contact. This can be on the couch while watching Netflix, laying in bed reading, or cuddling while falling asleep. Other types of touch besides skin-to-skin may not confer all of the physiologic benefits.
The benefits of nonsexual skin-to-skin contact include increased feelings of connections and safety, decreased cortisol levels, and improved immunity.
The physiologic benefits of skin-to-skin connection are:21
- Improved immunity
- Decreased cortisol levels
- Release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone
- Increased feelings of safety
- Increased feelings of connection
- Improved communication
How to Find a Therapist
There are great organizations out there who offer information, guidance, and help for all matters of sexual concern. Additionally, most therapists are versed in sexuality and some specialize in it. With so many resources, you can feel optimistic about addressing your particular needs. Start your search in an online therapist directory where you can find sex therapists, sex therapists with sensate focus, couples counselors, and more.
Final Thoughts On Sex In a Relationship
Research suggests that for about 98-99% of the population, sex is an important part of how we relate to our romantic partners.10,19,20,22,23,24 If you find yourself uncomfortable with your sexuality or sexual functioning, or if your sex life with a partner feels sub-optimal, it’s important to take steps to get help.
For Further Reading
- The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction
- Sex Therapy Books
- The National Coalition for Sexual Health
- American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
- Best Books on Sex & Intimacy
- My Husband Has Lost Interest in Me Sexually: 9 Possible Reasons & Tips to Get Your Sex Lives Back on Track
How Important Is Sex in a Relationship Infographics
