Your wife may have a low sex drive for various concerns, including chronic health issues, medication side effects, hormone imbalances, or other situational factors. Regular sex can support good health, decrease physical pain, help partners build trust and intimacy, and much more.1 For these and other reasons, regardless of gender, coping can be difficult when one partner wants more sex or has a more active sex drive than the other. Professional support can help you and your partner determine the next best steps in getting your relationship back on track.
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Understanding What Causes Low Sex Drive in Women
Before talking to your wife about low sex drive, understand that men generally tend to have higher sex drives, and at least a third of women across reproductive ages experience low sexual desire and impaired arousal.1,2,3 Sexual behavior also tends to be more complex in women, and sexless marriages or dead bedrooms are not uncommon.
Seven potential causes for low sex drive in women include:
Health Issues or Chronic Illness
There are many health issues or instances of chronic illness that could result in or contribute to low sex drive in women, including chronic pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, multiple sclerosis (MS), endometriosis, obesity, spinal cord injury, and physical disabilities.
Hormonal Imbalances
A hormonal imbalance (e.g., estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone) can result in lower sex drive in women. It’s also relevant that loss in libido is common in women who have had total hysterectomies. This is due, in part, to the decline in sex hormones being produced.1
Mental Health Issues
Women with depression and women with anxiety may experience a loss of interest in sex, as can women who have a history of sexual trauma or relationship PTSD. Fortunately, many natural methods of treating anxiety and depression, like exercise, proper sleep, and mindfulness can also help increase libido.4
Medication Side Effects
Many antidepressants can cause low libido and impaired arousal or orgasm. These drugs are fairly common, so it’s important that you and your partner talk to a doctor about the potential ways that antidepressants are affecting how you feel.
Relationship Issues
Emotional distance and resentment in marriage are associated with diminished libido and sexual satisfaction.1 If you and your partner are dealing with a lack of communication in your relationship or underlying resentment, consider seeing a couple’s therapist. The sooner you get professional guidance, the better.
Sexual Dysfunction
Sexual dysfunction (which might include FSAD, impaired orgasm, vaginismus, or vulvodynia) can be due to many things, including underlying disease and hormonal imbalance or issues with mental health. Other factors include stress, drug use, alcohol consumption, tobacco use, and more.
Stress or Fatigue
Chronic stress can lessen the body’s natural reproductive urges. If your partner is stressed, consider ways of helping them unwind. Mindfulness exercises and meditation can be great tools, as well as guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation.
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My Wife Has No Sex Drive – What Can I Do?
If your wife or partner is exhibiting low sex drive, it’s time to have an open conversation with them. The best thing you can do for each other is to speak to a sex therapist or a marriage counselor; however, there are also other more immediate ways to put in the work to rekindle sexual vibrancy and passion.
Here are eight tips you and your partner can try to help increase sexual desire:
1. Speak to a Sex Therapist or Marriage Counselor
Consider speaking with a certified sex therapist or marriage counselor. They may help you improve communication, help bring more mindfulness into the relationship, or suggest sex therapy with a sensate focus.
2. Talk About Sexual Fantasies
Try to foster a sense of openness and vulnerability between you and your partner. If you both feel safe and comfortable, talk to each other about unexplored sexual fantasies. Even if you don’t act out these desires, talking about them can create more intimacy.
3. Foster a Sense of Connection
Men tend to connect through sex, while for women sex tends to be a manifestation of the connection. One of the best and fastest ways to create a sense of connection with another person is through eye contact. Sit down with her face-to-face and talk, making sure to look into her eyes periodically. Our eyes are direct links to our nervous systems, so through mutual eye contact, we can create a sense of being deeply connected in real-time with another person.
Ask her to tell you the high and low points of her day. All you really need is 10-15 minutes of each other’s undivided attention on a daily basis to rekindle the good vibes. That being said, it’s important that she has your undivided attention. Make sure that the TV and your cell phone are off. The payoff for helping her feel connected should be much higher than anything else you could be doing with those 10 minutes.
4. Plan Romantic Dates
Put in the effort to plan a romantic date. Better yet, make date night a regular occurrence. In essence, this is simply a way to show your partner that you care and are paying attention to their needs. This kind of energy and playfulness is essential for keeping passion alive.
5. Address Underlying Mental Health & Medical Issues
One of the most important things you can do to address low sex drive in women is to encourage them to delve into and try to manage any underlying mental and medical health issues. They can start this process by talking to a primary care physician (PCP) or a trusted therapist.
“It’s important to understand why your desire is low,” says sex therapist Leigh Norén. “For example, have you been having sex that isn’t pleasurable, or have you recently experienced more stress at work? While these both can cause low desire, the solutions to these difficulties will vary as the root causes are completely different. Once you know what’s going on underneath the surface, you can get to creating more desire. Some common solutions are exploring your sexuality, increasing emotional intimacy, communicating more openly about sex, and working on becoming more present in the moment.”
6. Alter Medications or Dosages
A side effect of certain medications is a significant impact on sex drive and libido. As such, your dosage may require adjustment. In some cases, you may need to try an entirely new medication. Don’t make adjustments to your dose without talking to your doctor first.
7. Talk Openly & Communicate Effectively
Open communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Tell your partner how you feel and be understanding and open to hearing about their experiences.
8. Show More Affection
Simple affection is such a powerful tool to build intimacy. Something like holding hands and other forms of non-penetrative sex can be a step toward restoring a physical connection and reinforcing an emotional bond.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you’re unhappy with your sex life and feel that your libido is mismatched with your partner’s, it’s a good time to seek professional help. Also, if your or your partner’s libido falls abruptly and doesn’t recover in a couple of weeks, make an appointment as soon as possible. If you need help finding a couples counselor, browse through the profiles of professionals on an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
Concern about your or your partner’s low libido can be a stressful, lonely experience. Talk to each other, and don’t be afraid to contact a therapist to facilitate the discussion and help you find answers. Ultimately, stay curious and compassionate toward each other. Sex can be important to a relationship and a wonderful part of a healthy life and partnership, so don’t give up on each other.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp
Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started
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Almost everyone has worried about a relationship at some point or another, but for some, relationship worries can be all-consuming. For folks who are afraid of cheating in particular, a lot can be going on below the surface that’s important to unpack and address.
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Wife Has No Desire for Sex Infographics
