If your wife has no desire for sex, it may be due to factors like health issues, hormonal imbalances, mental health challenges, or relationship dynamics. Low sex drive is a common concern and can feel isolating, but there are ways to address it. Coping can be difficult when one partner wants more sex or has a more active sex drive than the other. Open communication, professional support, and exploring underlying causes together can help you rebuild intimacy and connection in your relationship.
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Understanding What Causes Low Sex Drive in Women
Before talking to your wife about low sex drive, understand that men generally tend to have higher sex drives, and at least a third of women across reproductive ages experience low sexual desire and impaired arousal. 1,2,3 Sexual behavior also tends to be more complex in women, and sexless marriages or dead bedrooms are not uncommon.
Some potential causes for low sex drive in women include:
Health Issues or Chronic Illness
A variety of health issues and chronic illnesses can contribute to low sex drive in women, including:
- Chronic pain
- Chronic fatigue syndrome
- Diabetes
- High blood pressure (hypertension)
- Heart disease
- Cancer
- Multiple sclerosis (MS)
- Endometriosis
- Obesity
- Spinal cord injuries
- Physical disabilities
Hormonal Imbalances
Hormonal imbalances, such as changes in estrogen, progesterone, or testosterone levels, can lower sex drive in women. Women who have had a total hysterectomy often experience a loss of libido due to a significant decline in hormone production.1
Mental Health Issues
Women with depression and women with anxiety may experience a loss of interest in sex, as can women who have a history of sexual trauma or relationship PTSD.4,5 Fortunately, many natural methods of treating anxiety and depression, like exercise, proper sleep, and mindfulness can also help increase libido.4
Medication Side Effects
Many antidepressants can cause low libido and impaired arousal or orgasm. These drugs are fairly common, so it’s important that you and your partner talk to a doctor about the potential ways that antidepressants are affecting how you feel.
Relationship Issues
Emotional distance and resentment in marriage are associated with diminished libido and sexual satisfaction.1 If you and your partner are dealing with a lack of communication in your relationship or underlying resentment, consider seeing a couple’s therapist. The sooner you get professional guidance, the better.
Sexual Dysfunction
Sexual dysfunction (which might include FSAD, impaired orgasm, vaginismus, or vulvodynia) can be due to many things, including underlying disease and hormonal imbalance or issues with mental health. Other factors include stress, drug use, alcohol consumption, or tobacco use.
Stress or Fatigue
Chronic stress can lessen the body’s natural reproductive urges. If your partner is stressed, consider ways of helping them unwind. Mindfulness exercises and meditation can be great tools, as well as guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation.
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My Wife Has No Sex Drive – What Can I Do?
If your wife or partner is exhibiting low sex drive, it’s time to have an open conversation with them. The best thing you can do for each other is to speak to a sex therapist or a marriage counselor; however, there are also other more immediate ways to put in the work to rekindle sexual vibrancy and passion.
Here are nine tips you and your partner can try to help increase sexual desire:
1. Speak to a Sex Therapist or Marriage Counselor
Consider speaking with a certified sex therapist or go to couples counseling. They may help you improve communication, help bring more mindfulness into the relationship, or suggest sex therapy with a sensate focus.
2. Don’t Make Assumptions – Talk to Your Wife
It may be tempting to assume you know why your wife has no desire for sex. However, you may be totally off-base. And even if your assumption is accurate, knowing that doesn’t inherently resolve the dynamic. Working through this concern requires open and respectful dialogue with one another. It’s important that you directly hear from her about what’s going on.
3. Talk About Sexual Fantasies
Try to foster a sense of openness and vulnerability between you and your partner. If you both feel safe and comfortable, talk to each other about unexplored sexual fantasies. Even if you don’t act out these desires, talking about them can create more intimacy.
4. Foster a Sense of Connection
Men tend to connect through sex, while for women sex tends to be a manifestation of the connection. One of the best and fastest ways to create a sense of connection with another person is through eye contact. Sit down with her face-to-face and talk, making sure to look into her eyes periodically. Our eyes are direct links to our nervous systems, so through mutual eye contact, we can create a sense of being deeply connected in real-time with another person.
Ask her to tell you the high and low points of her day. All you really need is 10-15 minutes of each other’s undivided attention on a daily basis to rekindle the good vibes. That being said, it’s important that she has your undivided attention. Make sure that the TV and your cell phone are off. The payoff for helping her feel connected should be much higher than anything else you could be doing with those 10 minutes.
5. Plan Romantic Dates
Put in the effort to plan a romantic date. Better yet, make date night a regular occurrence. In essence, this is simply a way to show your partner that you care and are paying attention to their needs. This kind of energy and playfulness is essential for keeping passion alive.
6. Address Underlying Mental Health & Medical Issues
One of the most important things you can do to address low sex drive in women is to encourage them to delve into and try to manage any underlying mental and medical health issues. They can start this process by talking to a primary care physician (PCP) or a trusted therapist.
7. Alter Medications or Dosages
A side effect of certain medications is a significant impact on sex drive and libido. As such, your dosage may require adjustment. In some cases, you may need to try an entirely new medication. Don’t make adjustments to your dose without talking to your doctor first.
8. Talk Openly & Communicate Effectively
Open communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Tell your partner how you feel and be understanding and open to hearing about their experiences.
9. Show More Affection
Simple affection is such a powerful tool to build intimacy. Something like holding hands and other forms of non-penetrative sex can be a step toward restoring a physical connection and reinforcing an emotional bond.
Sexual Satisfaction & Relationship Quality
Physical and emotional intimacy are closely linked. In many cases, a healthy sex life is a strong indicator of overall relationship health. Research shows that couples who feel sexually satisfied are generally happier together.6 On the other hand, emotional distance or tension in a relationship can negatively impact your sex life.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you’re unhappy with your sex life and feel your libido is mismatched with your partner’s, it may be time to seek professional help. You should also consider reaching out if your wife’s or partner’s libido drops suddenly and doesn’t improve within a few weeks. To find a couples counselor, explore online therapist directories or online couples therapy platforms like Regain or Talkspace Couples Therapy.
In My Experience
Concern about your or your partner’s low libido can be a stressful, lonely experience. Talk to each other, and don’t be afraid to contact a therapist to facilitate the discussion and help you find answers. Ultimately, stay curious and compassionate toward each other. Sex can be important to a relationship and a wonderful part of a healthy life and partnership, so don’t give up on each other.
Wife Has No Desire for Sex Infographics
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Tatkin, S. (2018) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love. Sounds True: Boulder, CO., pp. 151-152, ISBN 9781622038930.
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Blumstein, P. and Schwartz, P. (1983). American Couples: Money, Work, Sex. Morrow, ISBN 10: 0688037720
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Laumann, E.O, Gagnon, G.H., Michael, R.T., and Michaels, S. (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality, ISBN: 9780226470207.
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Brotto, L. A. & Basson, R. (2014). Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women, Behaviour Research and Therapy, 57, 43-54. ISSN 0005-7967, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.04.001.
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Beck, J. G., Bozman, A. W., & Qualtrough, T. (1991). The experience of sexual desire: Psychological correlates in a college sample. Journal of Sexual Research, 28, 443–456.
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What Matters in a Relationship—Age, Sexual Satisfaction, Relationship Length, and Interpersonal Closeness as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adults (2023, February). National Library of Medicine. Retrieved from: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10001731/
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
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Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Added “Don’t Make Assumptions – Talk to Your Wife”, and “Sexual Satisfaction & Relationship Quality”. New material written by Nicole Arzt, LMFT and medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
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Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources.
Author: Krista Jordan, PhD
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD
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- Communication problems / too many arguments
- Emotional distance or lack of love
- Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating
