Why Does My Mom Hate Me? Why You May Feel This Way & What to Do

Does My Mom REALLY Hate Me?

Being a mother is an incredibly difficult and complex job. Life often puts mothers in tough situations that test their abilities to handle stressors. Sometimes, how they react can make a child feel hated or disliked, when the reality of the situation is too mature or complicated for a child to fully comprehend. There are numerous factors that could cause a mother to act in ways that are hard to understand.

Why Does It Feel Like My Mom Hates Me?

Ideally, mothers are the one person in your life who loves you unconditionally and genuinely wants to be involved in your life. Unfortunately, this may not always seem like the case. One of the major reasons a mother may fail to appear loving and nurturing can be due to her own mental health issues, including experiencing symptoms of hostility or loss of joy.¹ A mother struggling to show warmth and engagement may be concealing internal emotional burnout.²

Additionally, a mother could also be repeating a relational pattern that she experienced as a child. She may not realize how this impacted her and is now impacting her child. Mothers have their own struggles and often unintentionally take them out on their children, which can lead a child to think that their mother hates them.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship with Your Mother

Feeling like your mother hates you is a sign of a strained relationship, and can possibly indicate that your relationship is actually “toxic.” Toxic relationships generally make you feel worse over time instead of better. They can leave you feeling unloved, unsupported, dismissed, or attacked. Healthy relationships include trust, open communication, and mutual respect.

Signs your relationship with your mother is in a bad place may include:

• She hurts you with her words or actions
• You feel annoyed or frustrated during most of your interactions with her
• There is a lack of healthy boundaries
• You feel unsupported, unheard, or misunderstood by her
• The relationship is mostly focused on her
• She doesn’t want to spend time with you
• She doesn’t want to hear about what’s going on in your life
• You feel afraid of her or that there will be repercussions for being honest with her

How Can a Poor Relationship with Your Mother Affect You?

There are many ways that having a negative relationship with your mother can impact you. This is because children learn to understand themselves, other relationships, and their world from caregivers. Therefore, a mother is one of the most influential people you can have in your lifetime.

Effects of your mother hating you or treating your poorly may include:

• Low self-esteem
• Developing unhealthy habits to cope with stress³
• Harming your current/future relationships
• Causing you to develop an attachment disorder/unhealthy attachment patterns⁴
• Causing you to experience anxiety or depression
• Diminished sense of meaning and purpose within your life⁵

How Can I Improve My Relationship With My Mom?

It can be difficult to realize that you have not gotten the love and support that you need from your mother. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to reach this revelation and try to heal the relationship, there are several methods you can try.

The following are eight things to try to improve your relationship with your mom:

1. Go to Therapy

Most people will need support in order to process and decide on what is best for them moving forward. Individual therapy is a non-judgmental space in which you can address what you’re going through, what you have gone through, and what your current needs are. If your mother tended to be critical of your decisions in the past, receiving support and validation can be a powerful and healing experience.

2. Prioritize Your Own Needs

It is important that you realize your mother’s actions or words had nothing to do with your behavior. If you have felt unsupported and misunderstood by your mother, it may be time to recognize that your mother is not able to encourage you in the ways you need or want her to. You do not have to continually chase after her approval. Instead, focus on doing what you know is best for you.

3. Have a Serious Conversation With Your Mother

Your mother has a completely different viewpoint than you. It is possible that she has no idea how you’re feeling or how her behavior has impacted you. Sharing how you feel can not only be helpful for you, but it can also help your mother recognize the consequences of her actions. This could influence her to change her behavior or apologize for past behaviors. Even so, it could help you to see what boundaries need to be set for the future.

4. Go to Family Therapy With Your Mother

If both you and your mother want to continue your relationship, but are struggling with how to do so, family therapy can be a helpful option. Family therapy is where both you and your mother (and other family members too, if that would help) attend sessions at the same time. A therapist then helps you assess and work through your relational dynamics as they unfold in the therapy room. Having another entity present when you address emotional topics can be beneficial in that it allows you to feel more comfortable expressing yourself.

5. Release Yourself From Expectations

Once you’ve identified your mother’s lack of support, it can be helpful for you to accept that the past cannot be changed. There are some things about your relationship that may never change.⁶
While abuse and neglect are not to be taken lightly, sometimes there are other aspects –such as how she communicates, the topics that she connects with you on, etc.– that you can adjust your expectations around. Doing so can help you continue in a relationship with your mother

6. Draw and Hold Boundaries With Your Mother

If there are certain things your mother is struggling to adjust to, it could be that you need to set and maintain boundaries with her. Setting boundaries is when you communicate things that you will not tolerate or continue to tolerate within the relationship. The purpose of boundaries is to make sure that your needs are being met and protected, not to try to change your mother.

7. Distance Yourself From Your Mother

If your mother is not receptive to conversations about how her behaviors are impacting you, she’s failing to respect your boundaries. When she isn’t willing to make positive changes in the relationship, it’s possible that you may have to distance yourself from her. This is usually hard and uncomfortable, but it may be a necessary step to protect your own mental health and wellbeing.

8. Lean on Healthy Supports

We typically think of mothers as a staple within our support system. However, if your mother doesn’t fill this role for you, it’s important to seek out other sources of positive and healthy support. Social relationships are the foundation for feeling comforted and connected, which is integral to your overall well being.⁷
These relations can include other family members, friends, a therapist, or support groups.

When Is Improving the Relationship Not Realistic?

Sometimes creating distance is not enough. In this case, you may need to consider ending the relationship altogether. Unfortunately, if your mother is abusive, is dismissive and demeaning of your feelings, or blatantly ignores your boundaries, cutting off ties may be the only option for you.

Signs that improving your relationship with your mother is not realistic can include:

• She is abusive with her actions or words
• She ignores or tries to work around your boundaries
• She lacks empathy and dismisses your feelings
• She continues to try to control and manipulate you
• You typically feel afraid around her
• She refuses to take responsibility for her actions
• She is not open to working toward improving your relationship

How Therapy Can Help You & Your Relationship with Mom

Individual therapy can help you move past the guilt and shame that you may have developed from your childhood; it encourages you to figure out how to understand and prioritize your own needs. If you are ready to process and work through the effects of being raised by an unresponsive or cold mother, finding a therapist on an online directory is a good place to start.

Family therapy can also be a helpful way to move forward from your experiences. Family therapy works on you and your mother’s abilities to communicate, express emotions, process feelings, and eventually reach a better place of connection and understanding.

Final Thoughts

Having a strained or unhealthy relationship with your mother can be an incredibly difficult situation to navigate and move forward from. It’s important to remember that you are deserving of love and respect from everyone in your life, especially your mother. There are healthy ways to move forward, whether you decide to have her in your life or not.