A toxic mother can deeply affect her child’s sense of self, leaving long-lasting emotional scars into adulthood. Instead of providing love and support, she creates an environment where your needs are ignored or manipulated for her own benefit. As a result, you may have grown up feeling emotionally neglected, controlled, or even unsafe. Over time, these experiences can shape your self-esteem, relationships, and mental health, contributing to struggles with anxiety, depression, and trust.
Recognizing these toxic behaviors is the first step toward understanding how they have impacted you and how you can begin to heal. Whether it’s through boundary-setting, therapy, or finding a strong support system, it’s possible to break free from these patterns and reclaim your emotional well-being.
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What Is a Toxic Mother?
A toxic mother is someone whose behaviors and actions consistently harm her child’s emotional, mental, or physical health. This can include controlling, manipulative, or abusive behaviors, often driven by her own unresolved issues. Instead of providing a nurturing and supportive environment, a toxic mother may undermine, belittle, or neglect her child. A toxic mother may also use guilt and shame to make her child feel responsible for her emotional needs.
22 Signs of a Toxic Mother
If you grew up feeling undervalued, controlled, or like your boundaries were not respected, then you may have a toxic mother. She may have made unreasonable demands of you and your siblings or failed to express affection and warmth. As an adult, you may look back and notice how her behavior continues to impact you now.
Here are twenty-two signs you were raised by a toxic mother:
1. She Fails to Respect Your Boundaries
Toxic mothers often disregard personal boundaries. You might have asked her to respect your privacy, yet she may still pry into your life—asking invasive questions, dropping by unannounced, or going through your things without permission. Such constant invasions of your personal space can leave you feeling violated and powerless, leading you to believe that your boundaries do not matter to others, just as they do not matter to her.
2. She Refuses to Take Accountability or Apologize
A toxic mother rarely takes responsibility for her actions or apologizes. Instead, she expects you to move on, sweeping her hurtful behaviors under the rug. Attempts to address her harmful actions often devolve into a power struggle, with her striving to “win” rather than acknowledging your feelings or needs.
3. She Lacks Empathy
A toxic mother often lacks empathy and is inconsistent in expressing love or understanding. She may seem incapable of truly understanding your feelings or needs, instead focusing on her suffering and expecting sympathy from everyone, while showing little compassion for the challenges others face.1
4. She Makes Excessive Demands of You
A toxic mother often places unreasonable demands on you, expecting you to drop everything for her at any moment. When you try to set boundaries or say “no,” she may respond with anger, criticism, or guilt-tripping. This constant pressure can leave you feeling trapped and eventually lead to anger and resentment.
5. She Overreacts to Differences of Opinion
Conflict is inevitable in mother/child relationships. However, some mothers cannot control their anger or handle disagreements constructively. Toxic mothers may resort to name-calling, yelling, or even abuse in extreme cases.
6. She Uses Manipulation to Get What She Wants
A toxic mother often resorts to manipulation to maintain control or achieve her own desires. This manipulation might look like emotional blackmail, where she uses guilt or shame to pressure you into doing what she wants. For example, she might say things like “If you loved me, you’d do this for me,” or “I sacrificed so much for you.” This creates a sense of obligation and can keep you stuck in a cycle of pleasing her.
Emotional manipulation can also show up in more covert forms, like gaslighting, where she twists reality or denies things she’s said or done, leaving you to question your memory and sanity. Another common tactic is playing the victim, where she deflects responsibility for her actions and paints herself as the one being wronged. She avoids accountability while shifting the focus back to her own needs and feelings.
7. She Is Jealous of Your Other Relationships
A toxic mother may feel threatened by your other relationships and attempt to undermine them, seeing them as competition for your attention and loyalty. This jealousy can lead to manipulation or efforts to sabotage those connections.
8. She Is Self-Absorbed & Demands Admiration
A toxic mother often sees herself as the most important person in any situation, talking endlessly about her problems and achievements while showing little genuine interest in others. She may demand constant praise while refusing to offer it in return.
9. She Enmeshes Herself with You
A toxic mother may blur the lines between her identity and yours, making it difficult for you to develop independence. She may expect you to fulfill her emotional needs, preventing you from establishing your own sense of self. This kind of enmeshment can leave you feeling trapped by her emotions and overly responsible for her happiness.
10. She Puts Down Your Accomplishments
A toxic mother may downplay your successes, often due to her insecurities or jealousy. This can be deeply hurtful, especially when you crave acceptance or approval. No matter what you achieve, you may feel that it’s never enough to win her acknowledgment.
11. She Tries to Control You
A toxic mother often exerts control over her child’s life in ways that go beyond normal guidance. Here control issues can manifest in direct ways, like dictating your choices, from what you wear, to the people you’re friends with, to the career path you follow. Control from a toxic mother can also be more subtle and emotional. She may undermine your confidence by consistently second-guessing your decisions or implying that you’re incapable of managing life on your own.
Heal from Abuse with the Help of a Therapist.
A professional therapist can help you heal from abuse. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
12. She Doesn’t Take Care of Her Mental Health
Without addressing her own mental health, a toxic mother may project her unresolved issues, anxiety, or depression onto you, making you feel responsible for her moods or actions. Her lack of self-care not only impacts her ability to nurture and connect but also sets a damaging example, reinforcing the idea that emotional health isn’t important. This often creates a chaotic and emotionally unstable environment.
13. She Shares Private Matters Inappropriately
A toxic mother may share private matters inappropriately, revealing personal details about her children to others without consent. Whether she’s gossiping about family issues or disclosing sensitive information, this behavior reflects a lack of respect for your privacy and autonomy. This betrayal of trust can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable.
14. She Undermines Your Confidence & Instills Self-Doubt
Instead of offering support, a toxic mother often undermines your confidence through criticism, belittling remarks, or passive-aggressive comments that make you question your abilities. She may focus on your perceived shortcomings or downplay your achievements, planting seeds of doubt. Over time, this can make you feel incapable or unworthy, damaging your self-esteem. By keeping you insecure, she maintains control, making it harder for you to trust your own judgment or feel confident in your decisions.
15. She Pits Family Members Against Each Other
A toxic mother may use favoritism, gossip, or comparison to create tension and division within your family, pitting family members against one another. This can look like encouraging conflict or sibling rivalry to maintain control and attention. She thrives on drama and competition, leaving you and your family members feeling isolated and mistrustful.
16. Her Love and Kindness Are Conditional
With a toxic mother, love and kindness are often offered conditionally, with affection dependent on your behavior or achievements. You may feel like you must constantly earn love, approval, or kindness by meeting your mother’s expectations. A toxic mother may use rejection or withdrawal of love to keep you feeling unworthy and insecure. You may start to believe you are only lovable when you are “good enough.”
17. She Humiliates You in Public and Private Settings
A toxic mother may humiliate you as a way to control or undermine you, both in public settings and in private. This could look like her making critical comments about your appearance or abilities in front of others, or belittling you behind closed doors. When you’re constantly being put down, it fosters shame, damages your self-esteem, and makes you doubt yourself.
18. She Is Unwilling to Change or Compromise
A toxic mother may be unwilling to change or compromise. Instead of working together to find common ground, she may insist that things always go her way, disregarding your feelings or needs. This rigidity can leave you feeling unheard and trapped in an unhealthy dynamic, where your desires and boundaries are constantly dismissed.
19. She Refuses to Let Go of Past Mistakes
The behavior of a toxic mother can feel like she’s holding your past over your head, keeping you stuck in guilt or shame. She may constantly bring up past mistakes, refusing to let them go, even long after you’ve made amends or grown from the experience. Instead of allowing you to learn and move forward, she uses your mistakes to maintain control or manipulate you.
20. She Puts Her Own Needs First
The self-centered behavior of a toxic mother consistently puts her own needs first, disregarding your emotional, mental, and physical health. A toxic mother prioritizes her own desires, comfort, or validation over your basic needs. This could look like a mother who frequently cancels on important events to instead attend social gatherings or focus on her personal life. You may feel neglected and unimportant, with your needs being secondary to those of your mother.
21. She Uses Money As a Way to Control or Manipulate You
A toxic mother who uses money as a form of control or manipulation often ties financial support to obedience, making you feel indebted or guilty. She may offer help with strings attached, such as expecting favors or unquestioned loyalty, or even withholding financial support to punish or pressure you. You may constantly fear losing support if you don’t comply with her demands.
22. She Uses Harsh Discipline & Punishment
Excessive punishment or unreasonable rules are some of the ways a toxic mother uses harsh discipline to assert control. This can include yelling, shaming, or even physical punishment. Instead of teaching or guiding you, the focus is on instilling fear and compliance, going far beyond what’s necessary to correct behavior.
Effects of Being Raised by a Toxic Mother
Growing up with a toxic mother can significantly impact your emotional and psychological well-being. When your mother consistently criticizes, belittles, or undermines you, it can leave deep scars on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. You might find yourself internalizing those negative messages, which can lead to patterns of self-doubt, self-criticism, or even feelings of unworthiness. This can show up in your relationships, your work, and your daily life, making it hard to trust yourself or feel confident in your decisions.
You might also notice that you’ve developed certain coping mechanisms, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or avoiding conflict, as a way to navigate the unpredictability or harshness you experienced. While these strategies may have helped you survive in a difficult environment, they can often become maladaptive in your adult life, leading to stress, anxiety, or burnout.
Additionally, being raised by a toxic mother can cause:
Higher Risk for Anxiety & Depression
Children raised by toxic mothers are at a significantly higher risk for developing anxiety and depression both during childhood and later in adulthood. This may be due to constant exposure to criticism, neglect, or emotional manipulation, which can lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and chronic stress. Studies have shown that childhood emotional abuse, in particular, is strongly linked to an increased risk of developing anxiety and depression later in life.2
Relationship Challenges
Growing up with a toxic mother can create significant challenges in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships as an adult. For example, if you have experienced manipulative or controlling behavior from your mother, you may find it hard to build a trusting relationship with others or may unconsciously replicate these toxic dynamics in your interactions. Furthermore, adults who have experienced child abuse are statistically more likely to repeat abusive behaviors in their own relationships, perpetuating a cycle of abuse and pain across generations.3
It is important to remember that by recognizing the risk of repeating harmful patterns and actively taking steps to change, you can prevent the same toxicity from continuing in your own family. Becoming aware of how these behaviors affect you and those around you is the first step toward breaking the generational cycle of abuse.
Substance Abuse
People who grow up with toxic mothers are more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism. The constant stress and trauma of living with a toxic mother can make it difficult to develop healthy emotional regulation skills. As a result, many individuals may seek solace in substances to numb their emotional pain or escape their difficult reality.4
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
If your childhood involved any form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a toxic mother, you are at a higher risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The trauma of abuse in a familial setting is particularly damaging because it comes from a primary caregiver, who is supposed to provide safety and love. This betrayal of trust can have profound effects on mental health and the ability to feel safe, even long after the abuse has stopped.
Recover from Trauma with the Help of a Therapist.
Therapy can help you live a better life. BetterHelp provides convenient and affordable online therapy, starting at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you!
How to Cope With a Toxic Mother
Learning how to navigate a toxic mother is incredibly challenging, but it can happen by prioritizing your own mental health and learning how to navigate difficult dynamics without losing yourself in the process.
Free Worksheets for Dealing With an Unhealthy Parent
Here are some tips for how to cope with a toxic mother:
Set Boundaries & Stick to Them
Setting boundaries with a toxic mother is essential to protect your emotional health and establish healthier patterns in your relationship. Boundaries allow you to clearly communicate what is and isn’t acceptable, helping you regain control in situations that can feel overwhelming or manipulative. Staying consistent with these boundaries is challenging, but it’s a way to ensure you’re not continually pulled into toxic dynamics.
Here are some boundaries to consider:
- Let her know that you will leave or end the conversation if she engages in name-calling, shouting, or verbal abuse
- Limit how much time you spend with her, especially in emotionally charged environments
- Set expectations around how often you’ll communicate, whether by phone, text, or in person
- Establish clear rules for family gatherings, like how you’ll respond if she tries to bring up painful past events
- Decide ahead of time what topics are off-limits, like your personal life or career choices, and communicate that
- Protect your emotional energy by taking breaks from interactions as needed, without guilt
- Be firm about not allowing her to influence major life decisions or manipulate your choices
Validate Your Own Feelings & Experiences
Often, toxic relationships can leave you questioning your reality, making it harder to trust your emotions. By acknowledging your feelings, you remind yourself that your emotions are valid, no matter how much someone else tries to dismiss them. When you give yourself permission to feel hurt, angry, or frustrated, you further develop your emotional regulation and strengthen your ability to respond in healthier ways.
Here are a few simple ways you can begin to validate your own emotions:
- Take time to reflect on your feelings. Even just a few minutes of quiet reflection each day can help you connect with what’s going on inside.
- Journal your thoughts. Writing things down is a helpful way to get clearer about what you’re experiencing emotionally. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just honest.
- Label your emotions. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to name what you’re feeling. This can help reduce confusion and give you more control over your emotional experience.
- Notice patterns in your interactions. Pay attention to how different situations or people make you feel. This awareness can help you recognize when certain emotions are triggered.
- Affirm your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up by simply telling yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way.” This small step can be very empowering.
- Remind yourself that your feelings are valid. Even when others dismiss or downplay your emotions, it’s important to recognize that they matter and deserve attention.
- Share your feelings with someone you trust. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, or support group, talking about your emotions with someone who will listen without judgment can be incredibly validating.
Don’t Try To Change Her
You can’t change your toxic mother. Trying to fix or change her can drain your energy and leave you feeling more frustrated and defeated. Accepting that her behavior is beyond your control allows you to shift focus from changing her to taking care of yourself. This doesn’t mean you approve of her actions. It means you’re choosing to invest your energy in your own healing rather than a losing battle.
Practice Self-Care
Dealing with toxic dynamics can be draining, so making time for activities that bring you peace and joy allows you to recharge. Whether it’s setting aside time for mindfulness, movement, or connecting with supportive friends, self-care helps you stay grounded. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s essential when coping with a toxic mother.
Build a Strong Support System
Building a strong support system is crucial when dealing with a toxic mother because, for many people, mothers are typically a primary source of emotional support and guidance. When this relationship becomes unhealthy, it can be challenging to navigate life’s ups and downs. Creating a reliable network of supportive friends, family members, or a skilled therapist helps fill this gap by offering the validation and encouragement you may not receive from your mother.
Speak to a Therapist or Counselor
In addition to friends, mentors, and family, Therapy can also strengthen your support system by adding a reliable source of support to your network. A therapist offers consistent, structured help, which can be especially important if you feel isolated or unsupported by others in your life. They provide a neutral, non-judgmental space where you can openly discuss your experiences, process your emotions, and gain a deeper understanding of how your mother’s behavior has impacted you.
When dealing with a toxic mother, exploring therapies like internal family systems (IFS) and emotion-focused therapy (EFT) can be particularly helpful in healing internal wounds that developed when you were young, and practicing self-compassion, enabling you to respond to your mother’s behavior in a more balanced and empowered way. Alternatively, trauma-focused therapies, such as trauma-focused CBT or EMDR, are particularly effective if your experiences have led to symptoms of post-traumatic stress.5
Focus On Your Own Growth
When you invest in personal development, whether through therapy, self-reflection, or new hobbies, you create space for healing and empowerment. By setting goals and learning new skills, you’ll feel more grounded and less affected by her behavior. Focusing on your own growth allows you to reclaim your energy, strengthen your sense of self, and break free from the patterns of hurt.
Consider Cutting Contact
Sometimes, going no-contact with a toxic mother may be the healthiest option for your emotional and mental health. If repeated efforts to set boundaries or maintain a respectful relationship have failed and the harm outweighs any benefit, it might be necessary to step back completely. This isn’t a decision to take lightly, but in cases where the relationship is causing significant stress, anxiety, or trauma, prioritizing your own healing and peace is essential.
How to Find Professional Support
Finding professional support can be an empowering step toward healing from the effects of a toxic mother. To start, consider using an online therapist directory, which allows you to search for qualified therapists based on your specific needs, such as expertise in childhood trauma, family dynamics, or anxiety. Online therapy services offer a convenient way to connect with licensed professionals from the comfort of your home, making it easier to begin therapy regardless of your location or schedule. Services like Regain, which specializes in relationship therapy, can be particularly helpful if you’re struggling with relationship challenges stemming from a toxic upbringing.
In My Experience
“Growing up in a toxic environment can also affect how you interact with your own children. Some people may find themselves continuing the same patterns with their families that they swore they wouldn’t. Therapy can also help you recognize how your past may be affecting how you parent and improve your relationship with your children. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it.”
Signs of Toxic Mothers Infographic
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Wagers, K. B., & Kiel, E. J. (2019). The influence of parenting and temperament on empathy development in toddlers. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(4), 391–400. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000517
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T., I., Hong, S., et al. (2013). Developmental impacts of child abuse and neglect related to adult mental health, substance use, and physical health. Journal of Family Violence, 28(2), 191–199. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-012-9474-9
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U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families. (2016). Intergenerational patterns of child maltreatment: What the evidence shows. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/intergenerational.pdf
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U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families. (2019). Long-term consequences of child abuse and neglect. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/long_term_consequences.pdf
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Mavranezouli, I., et al. (2020). Psychological treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder in adults: A network meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 50(4), 542–555. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291719001821
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
Author: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD (No Change)
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Revised sections titled “22 Signs of a Toxic Mother” and “How to Cope With a Toxic Mother.” New content was written by Amanda Stretcher, MA, LPC-S, and medically reviewed by Naveed Saleh, MD, MS. Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD (No Change)
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD
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