If you grew up feeling unloved, controlled, or like your boundaries were not respected, then you may have grown up with a toxic mother. As an adult, you may struggle with anxiety, depression, unhealthy coping skills, and relationship problems. Therapy can help you heal from a difficult childhood and avoid creating toxic patterns in your relationships with your own children.
Here are nine signs of a toxic mother:
1. She Overreacts to Differences of Opinion
Conflict is inevitable in mother/child relationships. At some point mothers will disagree with their children and vice versa. However, some mothers may lack the ability to control their anger and resolve conflicts with their children in a healthy manner.
Toxic mothers may express their anger in negative ways, like through name-calling and yelling. In extreme cases, these parents may become violent and abusive. Over time children may develop fear, anxiety, or even violent tendencies themselves in response to this toxicity.
2. She Makes Excessive Demands of You
A toxic mother may place unusual and overwhelming demands on you. They may expect you to drop everything for them and attend to their needs, even though you have your own life. If you try to say “no,” they may respond with anger, criticism, or guilt. You may feel trapped into giving into their demands, even though they are too much for you. Over time this can lead you toward anger, resentment, and burn out.
3. She Uses Manipulation to Get What She Wants
Manipulation is a hallmark trait of a toxic parent. A manipulative person tries to change another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors for their own benefit. This is often done in a sneaky way. For example, a manipulative person may offer to do you a favor because they have a larger request that they need from you.
If you say no, they may claim that you owe them, which can lead you to feel forced into giving into the request. If you think you are being manipulated, ask yourself if your thoughts, feelings, and actions are your own, or if they seem to be influenced by someone else.
4. She Fails to Respect Your Boundaries
One of the most common traits of a toxic mother is a failure to respect boundaries. You may have tried to set limits in your relationship, only to have them ignored. For example, you might have asked her to respect your privacy but then learn that she has been reading your journal entries or snooping on your social media.
If this is the case, you may be left feeling violated and disempowered. You may even expect that other people will not respect your boundaries just like your mother.
5. She Puts Down Your Accomplishments
If you find that your mother downplays or puts down your successes, then you may be dealing with a toxic relationship. These mothers may be unable to feel proud of you because of their own insecurities and jealousy.
This can be especially hurtful, since it is a common desire to want acceptance from your parents. You may find that no matter what you do, you never truly feel like you have earned your mother’s approval.
6. She Hurts You With Her Words or Actions
A toxic mother may say or do things without thinking about how they will affect her children. She may be so focused on her own needs, that she is unable to acknowledge how her behavior makes you feel. In severe cases this can involve physical or verbal abuse.
Even as an adult, you may experience abuse at the hands of a toxic mother. If your mother was physically abusive during childhood, this may shift to verbal abuse as you get older. Often mothers who are abusive toward their children also experienced abuse in their own childhoods.
7. She Refuses to Apologize
Toxic mothers may fail to take responsibility and apologize for their actions. They may say or do things that are hurtful and then expect you to move on by “brushing it under the rug.” You are left feeling hurt and angry, with no way to express or work on these feelings.
Some children may find themselves apologizing for things that are not their fault just to keep the peace within the family.
8. She Tries to Control You
If you have felt like your mother has attempted to control what you think, feel, or do, then you may be dealing with a toxic relationship. For example, maybe your mother decided what college you would attend, who you would date, or what clothes you would wear even as an adult.
Her efforts to control you may have led you to pull away, attempt to set boundaries, or just give in. Having a controlling parent can also prevent you from learning skills that you need to thrive as an adult. You may feel unsure of yourself or lost when it comes to being an adult.
9. She Lacks Empathy
Empathy is the ability to consider and understand another person’s emotional experience. 1 It plays an important role in parenting. Children learn how to have empathy for others by experiencing empathy from their parents. Toxic mothers often lack empathy with their children and are inconsistent in expressing love, understanding, and warmth.
This may be because they came from toxic families themselves where empathy was not expressed. Unfortunately, a lack of empathy can lead to a poor bond between mother and child.
The Mental Health Effects of a Toxic Mother
While the signs listed above are some common behaviors of toxic mothers, these behaviors can vary from family to family. The mental effects that you experience because of having a toxic mother will depend upon how your mother was toxic, how much time you spent with her, and whether or not you had other positive adult relationships in your life.
If you were able to spend time with other supportive, caring, and loving adults who treated you well, you may have been able to cope with having a negative relationship with your mother.
Some common reactions to growing up with a toxic mother include anxiety and depression during childhood and adulthood.2 People raised in toxic families may also be more prone to drug and alcohol abuse and may also have difficulties in personal relationships.3
If physical, emotional, or sexual abuse were a part of your childhood then you are at risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is a mental health disorder that can develop in response to trauma.
If you have a toxic mother, you may also find it difficult to establish a healthy relationship with your own children. Adults who have experienced child abuse are more likely to have abusive relationships with their kids.4 However, this is not always the case and the generational cycle of abuse can be stopped. By being aware of your risk and taking action, you can prevent the same toxicity from happening in your own family.
How to Heal If You Were Raised by a Toxic Mother
If you were raised by a toxic mother, healing is possible. Therapy, whether it is individually or in a group setting, can help you cope with your past. Therapy provides an opportunity to reflect on how your childhood has shaped the way you think, feel, and behave toward yourself and others.
Once you are aware of how your past affects you, therapy can help you learn healthier ways of coping with these experiences. If you have dealt with childhood trauma, there are many different types of therapy that are effective for treating post-traumatic stress disorder, like trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT), eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), and psychodynamic therapy.5
Final Thoughts
Growing up in a toxic environment can also affect how you interact with your own children. Some people may find themselves continuing the same patterns with their families that they swore they wouldn’t. Therapy can also help you recognize how your past may be affecting how you parent and improve your relationship with your children. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it.
Additional Resources
- Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families: A 12-step program for anyone that was raised in an environment with alcoholism and toxicity. This program allows you to connect with other people who grew up in similar environments and helps you heal from these experiences.
- Adult Survivors of Child Abuse: A self-help group for adults that have experienced abuse, neglect, or trauma. They offer support groups in person and online.
- Parents Anonymous: An evidence-based group that offers a supportive environment for parents to learn new parenting skills and create positive changes in their families. This group may be helpful for adults raised by toxic parents who would like to change the way they interact with their own children.
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
