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9 Signs of a Toxic Mother

Published: July 21, 2021 Updated: May 5, 2022
Published: 07/21/2021 Updated: 05/05/2022
Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Kristen Fuller MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • She Overreacts to Differences of Opinion1.
  • She Makes Excessive Demands of You2.
  • She Uses Manipulation to Get What She Wants3.
  • She Fails to Respect Your Boundaries4.
  • She Puts Down Your Accomplishments5.
  • She Hurts You With Her Words or Actions6.
  • She Refuses to Apologize7.
  • She Tries to Control You8.
  • She Lacks Empathy9.
  • The Mental Health Effects of a Toxic MotherEffects
  • How to Heal If You Were Raised by a Toxic MotherHow to Heal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Signs of Toxic Mothers InfographicInfographics
Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Kristen Fuller MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

If you grew up feeling unloved, controlled, or like your boundaries were not respected, then you may have grown up with a toxic mother. As an adult, you may struggle with anxiety, depression, unhealthy coping skills, and relationship problems. Therapy can help you heal from a difficult childhood and avoid creating toxic patterns in your relationships with your own children.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Here are nine signs of a toxic mother:

1. She Overreacts to Differences of Opinion

Conflict is inevitable in mother/child relationships. At some point mothers will disagree with their children and vice versa. However, some mothers may lack the ability to control their anger and resolve conflicts with their children in a healthy manner.

Toxic mothers may express their anger in negative ways, like through name-calling and yelling. In extreme cases, toxic parents may become violent and abusive. Over time children may develop fear, anxiety, or even violent tendencies themselves in response to this toxicity.

2. She Makes Excessive Demands of You

A toxic mother may place unusual and overwhelming demands on you. They may expect you to drop everything for them and attend to their needs, even though you have your own life. If you try to say “no,” they may respond with anger, criticism, or guilt. You may feel trapped into giving into their demands, even though they are too much for you. Over time this can lead you toward anger, resentment, and burn out.

3. She Uses Manipulation to Get What She Wants

Manipulation is a hallmark trait of a toxic parent. A manipulative person tries to change another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors for their own benefit. This is often done in a sneaky way. For example, a manipulative person may offer to do you a favor because they have a larger request that they need from you.

If you say no, they may claim that you owe them, which can lead you to feel forced into giving into the request. If you think you are being manipulated, ask yourself if your thoughts, feelings, and actions are your own, or if they seem to be influenced by someone else.

4. She Fails to Respect Your Boundaries

One of the most common traits of a toxic mother is a failure to respect boundaries. You may have tried to set limits in your relationship, only to have them ignored. For example, you might have asked her to respect your privacy but then learn that she has been reading your journal entries or snooping on your social media.

If this is the case, you may be left feeling violated and disempowered. You may even expect that other people will not respect your boundaries just like your mother.

5. She Puts Down Your Accomplishments

If you find that your mother downplays or puts down your successes, then you may be dealing with a toxic relationship. These mothers may be unable to feel proud of you because of their own insecurities and jealousy.

This can be especially hurtful, since it is a common desire to want acceptance from your parents. You may find that no matter what you do, you never truly feel like you have earned your mother’s approval.

6. She Hurts You With Her Words or Actions

A toxic mother may say or do things without thinking about how they will affect her children. She may be so focused on her own needs, that she is unable to acknowledge how her behavior makes you feel. In severe cases this can involve physical or verbal abuse.

Even as an adult, you may experience abuse at the hands of a toxic mother. If your mother was physically abusive during childhood, this may shift to verbal abuse as you get older. Often mothers who are abusive toward their children also experienced abuse in their own childhoods.

7. She Refuses to Apologize

Toxic mothers may fail to take responsibility and apologize for their actions. They may say or do things that are hurtful and then expect you to move on by “brushing it under the rug.” You are left feeling hurt and angry, with no way to express or work on these feelings.

Some children may find themselves apologizing for things that are not their fault just to keep the peace within the family.

8. She Tries to Control You

If you have felt like your mother has attempted to control what you think, feel, or do, then you may be dealing with a toxic relationship. For example, maybe your mother decided what college you would attend, who you would date, or what clothes you would wear even as an adult.

Her efforts to control you may have led you to pull away, attempt to set boundaries, or just give in. Having a controlling parent can also prevent you from learning skills that you need to thrive as an adult. You may feel unsure of yourself or lost when it comes to being an adult.

9. She Lacks Empathy

Empathy is the ability to consider and understand another person’s emotional experience. 1 It plays an important role in parenting. Children learn how to have empathy for others by experiencing empathy from their parents. Toxic mothers often lack empathy with their children and are inconsistent in expressing love, understanding, and warmth.

This may be because they came from toxic families themselves where empathy was not expressed. Unfortunately, a lack of empathy can lead to a poor bond between mother and child.

The Mental Health Effects of a Toxic Mother

While the signs listed above are some common behaviors of toxic mothers, these behaviors can vary from family to family. The signs will differ from a mother with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), to a mom living with OCPD, or one who has antisocial tendencies. The mental effects that you experience because of having a toxic mother will depend upon how your mother was toxic, how much time you spent with her, and whether or not you had other positive adult relationships in your life.

If you were able to spend time with other supportive, caring, and loving adults who treated you well, you may have been able to cope with having a negative relationship with your mother.

Some common reactions to growing up with a toxic mother include anxiety and depression during childhood and adulthood.2 People raised in toxic families may also be more prone to drug and alcohol abuse and may also have difficulties in personal relationships.3

If physical, emotional, or sexual abuse were a part of your childhood then you are at risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is a mental health disorder that can develop in response to trauma.

If you have a toxic mother, you may also find it difficult to establish a healthy relationship with your own children. Adults who have experienced child abuse are more likely to have abusive relationships with their kids.4 However, this is not always the case and the generational cycle of abuse can be stopped. By being aware of your risk and taking action, you can prevent the same toxicity from happening in your own family.

How to Heal If You Were Raised by a Toxic Mother

If you were raised by a toxic mother, healing is possible. Therapy, whether it is individually or in a group setting, can help you cope with your past. Therapy provides an opportunity to reflect on how your childhood has shaped the way you think, feel, and behave toward yourself and others. If you’re ready to start healing, using a therapist directory to connect with a trusted professional is a great first step.

Once you are aware of how your past affects you, therapy can help you learn healthier ways of coping with these experiences. If you have dealt with childhood trauma, there are many different types of therapy that are effective for treating post-traumatic stress disorder, like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and psychodynamic therapy.5

Final Thoughts

Growing up in a toxic environment can also affect how you interact with your own children. Some people may find themselves continuing the same patterns with their families that they swore they wouldn’t. Therapy can also help you recognize how your past may be affecting how you parent and improve your relationship with your children. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp Online Therapy – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Talkspace Online Therapy – Online therapy is convenient with Talkspace. Get therapy for as little as $69 per week, or potentially much less if you have insurance from Cigna, Optum, or UHR. Try Talkspace

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Mindfulness & Meditation App – Headspace is an easy way to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your routine. See for yourself how a few minutes each day can impact your stress levels, mood, and sleep. A monthly subscription for Headspace is only $12.99 per month and comes with a 7-day free trial. Try Headspace

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups – Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on specific relationships, like narcissistic parents or narcissistic romantic relationships. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week. Learn More

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp, Talkspace, and Headspace

For Further Reading

  • Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families: A 12-step program for anyone that was raised in an environment with alcoholism and toxicity. This program allows you to connect with other people who grew up in similar environments and helps you heal from these experiences.
  • Adult Survivors of Child Abuse: A self-help group for adults that have experienced abuse, neglect, or trauma. They offer support groups in person and online.
  • Parents Anonymous: An evidence-based group that offers a supportive environment for parents to learn new parenting skills and create positive changes in their families. This group may be helpful for adults raised by toxic parents who would like to change the way they interact with their own children.

Signs of Toxic Mothers Infographic

Signs of a Toxic Mother Effects of Toxic Mothers and How Therapy Can Help Behaviors of Toxic Mothers

9 Signs of a Toxic MotherMental Effects of a Toxic Mother  Healing For Those Who Were Raised by Toxic Mothers

5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Wagers, K. B., & Kiel, E. J. (2019). The influence of parenting and temperament on empathy development in toddlers. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(4),391–400.

  • T. I., Hong, S., Klika, J. B., Herrenkohl, R. C., & Russo, M. J. (2013). Developmental impacts of child abuse and neglect related to adult mental health, substance use, and physical health. Journal of Family Violence, 28(2), 191-199.

  • U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families. (2019, April). Long-term consequences of child abuse and neglect. Retrieved from: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/long_term_consequences.pdf

  • U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families. (2016, August). Intergenerational patterns of child maltreatment: What the evidence shows. Retrieved from: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/intergenerational.pdf

  • Mavranezouli, I., Megnin-Viggars, O., Daly, C., Dias, S., Welton, N. J., Stockton, S., … & Pilling, S. (2020). Psychological treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder in adults: A network meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 50(4), 542-555.

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Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Kristen Fuller MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • She Overreacts to Differences of Opinion1.
  • She Makes Excessive Demands of You2.
  • She Uses Manipulation to Get What She Wants3.
  • She Fails to Respect Your Boundaries4.
  • She Puts Down Your Accomplishments5.
  • She Hurts You With Her Words or Actions6.
  • She Refuses to Apologize7.
  • She Tries to Control You8.
  • She Lacks Empathy9.
  • The Mental Health Effects of a Toxic MotherEffects
  • How to Heal If You Were Raised by a Toxic MotherHow to Heal
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Signs of Toxic Mothers InfographicInfographics
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