Abstinence Vs. Celibacy: Understanding the Difference

What Is Abstinence?

Abstinence entails specifically choosing to refrain from a particular action or item either indefinitely or over a specific period of time. Some people practice abstinence from sex because they want to wait until they’re in a long-term committed relationship. Others want to wait until marriage. Some will use abstinence as a form of birth control or when they’re in between relationships.

Sexual abstinence is a fluid term. Sometimes, it means avoiding only penetrative sex. Other times, it means avoiding some other or all types of sexual activity. Some people choose abstinence after sexual trauma, although this decision is inherently complex. In all cases, someone’s decision to maintain abstinence should be respected.

What Is Celibacy?

Celibacy refers to an intentional decision to maintain sexual abstinence. Some people might refrain from all forms of sexual activity, but others will engage in certain behaviors. Unlike abstinence, which can apply to many things, celibacy is solely tied to avoiding sexual behavior. People can be celibate whether single, dating, or in a committed relationship.

Celibacy generally coincides with religion or cultural beliefs. For example, Catholicism, Eastern Christianity, and some types of Buddhism embrace celibacy.  However, some people individually choose celibacy to honor their autonomy or focus more on the emotional connection in their relationships. Others choose celibacy to recover from compulsive sexual behaviors.¹

Involuntary Celibacy

Involuntary celibacy (which is also known as “incel”) refers to a sub-culture of people who believe they are essentially doomed to a life of celibacy due to their physical looks and personality. This group typically consists of young, white, heterosexual men who feel sexually frustrated.² However, it’s also possible to not relate to incel culture and be celibate without being sexually frustrated.

Celibacy Vs. Chastity

Chastity, which can stem from purity culture, embraces the concept of abstinence as a noteworthy virtue. Chastity derives from the Latin word castitas, which means purity. In some cultures, this is a voluntary decision that transcends abstinence alone. Some people perceive chastity as something to be celebrated, as it’s considered a representation of upstanding morals.

Differences Between Abstinence & Celibacy

Abstinence and celibacy both focus on abstaining from various types of sexual behavior. Both can be time-limited or indefinite, although abstinence is more likely to be time-limited (i.e., until someone is in a committed relationship or until they are married). Both abstinence and celibacy have roots in certain religious and cultural beliefs. However, celibacy isn’t as common as abstinence.

Are They the Same As Being Asexual?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that refers to having little to no interest in sex. Asexuality is not synonymous with abstinence from sex or abstinence due to not having a partner.³ Abstinence and celibacy are both behaviors, not orientations. People who are abstinent or celibate may still have levels of sexual attraction, whereas someone who’s asexual generally doesn’t desire to have sex.

Benefits of Celibacy & Abstaining From Sex

People choose to be celibate for all types of reasons. Some want to regroup after a relationship to discover what matters most to them before dating someone new. Others are abstinent because they are concerned about unwanted pregnancies or STIs. There are no “right” or “wrong” reasons when it comes to choosing to be celibate.

Potential benefits of abstinence and celibacy include:

• Most reliable form of birth control: Abstinence is 100% effective against pregnancy. Other methods, even when reliably used, can still fail.
• Reduced risk of STIs: Abstinence (depending on the type) can reduce the chance of spreading or receiving an STI.
• Reduced birth control expenses: Abstinence reduces the need to spend on condoms, birth control pills, or other forms of contraception.
• Improved emotional connection: Some couples find that temporary bouts of abstinence help strengthen their relationship.
• Improved personal development: Being celibate can help you get in better touch with yourself and your own emotional needs.
• Healing from trauma: Some people find that being abstinent allows them to work through trauma safely.
• More clarity about what you want sexually: Some people use abstinence as a time to discover themselves, and through this, they can discover what matters to them in a sexual relationship.

Drawbacks of Celibacy & Abstaining From Sex

Celibacy and abstinence aren’t always the best choices. For example, research has shown that abstinence-only education programs tend to be unsuccessful when it comes to teenage pregnancy or STIs.⁴ Additionally, some people may find that abstinence prolongs or complicates sexual discomfort, emotional distress, or relationship problems.

Potential disadvantages of abstinence and celibacy include:

• Lack of education: When people don’t know how to protect themselves sexually, they may be at a greater risk for pregnancy or STIs if or when they choose to be sexually active. This effect may be more pronounced in younger people.
• Feelings of isolation: Some people may feel lonelier due to their decision to remain abstinent.
• Relationship difficulties: Couples may have a challenging time if one person wants to be abstinent but the other doesn’t.
• Sexual desire is still prevalent: Abstinence doesn’t mean that desire disappears. This effect may exacerbate sexual frustration.
• Feeling like you’re missing out: Some people may feel like they’re missing out on important life experiences due to being abstinent.
• Worries about judgment: Others may be critical or judgmental about abstinence, which can drive shame.
• Inability to stay committed: Abstinence can be a challenging choice, and people may find it hard to stick to their commitment.

Things to Consider Before Abstaining From Sex

Before abstaining from sex, it’s essential to consider your motives. Why does abstinence feel important right now? What are you hoping to achieve? If you are in a relationship, how will you convey your decision to your partner? What will you do if they don’t feel comfortable with that choice? These are all essential questions worth asking yourself in advance.

Things to consider before you decide:

• Define what celibacy means to you: Abstinence and celibacy can be individualized terms. Consider what the parameters mean to you.
• Talk to your partner: If you’re in a relationship, open communication is essential. Convey your intentions and give them a chance to share their thoughts.⁵
• Seek support if desired: It may be helpful to discuss your decision with a trusted loved one or therapist.

How to Practice Celibacy in a Relationship

Some couples choose to practice celibacy while dating or married. It’s key for both partners to be intentional with one another and maintain open lines of communication. They also should be aware of any desire to have sex and how they might manage that desire if and when it arises. If the couple has already had sex, they may need a new structure within their relationship.

Below are some tips for having a healthy relationship while celibate:

• Set clear ground rules: Discuss what is and isn’t permissible so both partners know the defined boundaries.
• Find other ways to be intimate: It’s important to feel connected with one another. There are many forms of physical intimacy and emotional intimacy beyond having sex.
• Communicate with your partner: Discuss any difficulties you are having and try to problem-solve solutions together.
• Set yourselves up for success: Try to avoid situations where you may be tempted to have sex. Have a plan or code word for how you can manage these times.
• Reevaluate as needed: If celibacy is a temporary decision, reassess together when it’s time to make a change.

When Therapy Can Help

Speaking to a therapist can help you feel more grounded in your decision to be celibate. In person or online couples counseling options can be highly beneficial if one person wants to be abstinent and the other is ambivalent or against the idea. Couples and marriage counseling can also help you and your partner strengthen intimacy and discuss changes in your sex life.

In My Experience

Everyone has the inherent right to their sexual autonomy. You don’t need a specific reason to be abstinent. If it’s something that feels right to you, it’s worth exploring. But if someone else is pressuring you into abstinence, that’s also worth reassessing. Sexual desire can be so fluid, and it’s important to feel like your needs are being met. If you feel frustrated or confused about what to do next, therapy can be a safe place to process these emotions.