Signs of Sexual Frustration & How to Deal with It

What Is Sexual Frustration?

Sexual frustration involves a psychological and/or biological response to having an unsatisfied sexual desire.² It can be triggered through celibacy or abstinence, lack of partner or opportunity, or lack of fulfilling sexual experience, even within a sexual relationship. Ultimately, it stems from the tension between a lack of desired sexual release and the motivation toward finding that release.³

Sexual frustration can be felt by all genders and in all relationship statuses; when a person feels that their sex drive and/or interests have not been satisfied, they can experience sexual frustration. They may be in a sexless marriage, have a lack of desire for sex, or perhaps they haven’t talked about how important sex is with their partner.

Signs of Sexual Frustration

The symptoms someone may experience when feeling sexually frustrated can vary depending on the person and their situation. It is likely that everyone with a sexual desire has felt some degree of sexual frustration in their lifetime, with some people experiencing it more frequently than others.²

Here are some commonly reported signs and symptoms of sexual frustration:

• Frequently fantasizing about sex
• Tension or irritability
• Engaging in unhealthy coping skills
• Aggression (in extreme cases, violence and/or crime)
• Compulsive or hypersexual behaviours
• “Seeking revenge” against targets that are the believed source of the frustration
• Displaced frustration on targets with no connection to the frustration
• Hypertension for women
• Depression or anxiety for men

“People who are sexually frustrated usually report they are irritable and they allow stressors to get to them. For example, you may find yourself getting slightly rude with someone over something that is not too serious. People report they may also feel lonely. If you are in a relationship, your partner may have a low desire for sex. This can cause you to feel frustrated and it can often lead to resentment if it is not addressed.”- Dr. Lee Phillips⁹

Causes of Sexual Frustration

Sexual frustration can be caused by a variety of situations. It is believed that males experience more sexual frustration due to a generally greater interest in casual sex and higher rates of pornography use, prostitution use, and masturbation.⁴ Females, on the other hand, may differ from males in the intensity, frequency, or nature of their sexual frustration, or they might cope with it in more socially acceptable ways.²

Here are several possible reasons that feelings of sexual frustration may arise:

• Boundaries or restrictions in your relationship or religion that prevent engaging in the desired sexual activity
• Sexually incompatible choices in partners, perhaps due to limitations associated to geographic location, socio-economic status, or ethnic, cultural, or religious community
• A partner’s rejection of sexual advances
• Cultural norms or “rules” associated to choosing a partner that may contradict your sexual preferences. This includes not having your partner accepted by your community, or not being accepted yourself because you have chosen a partner that does not fit cultural norms
• Self-denial of private sexual preferences. This includes suppressing your desires and lack of self-acceptance.
• Unfulfilled desire to have sex
• Unavailable partners. This can include distance relationships as well as partners who are experiencing medical difficulties that impact their ability to engage in sexual activity.
• Having more or less sex then desired, or having unsatisfying sex
• Premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, which can lead to either you or your partner being unable to enjoy sexual activity to satisfaction
• Hypoactive sexual desire disorder, arousal non-concordance, or FSAD, which all involve a lack of sexual desire. This can lead to sexual frustration if the person wishes for a higher level of desire and/or if their lack of desire is negatively impacting their intimacy with their partner(s).
• Dr. Phillips adds that, “at times, the inability to achieve orgasm can lead to sexual frustration.”⁹

How to Deal With Sexual Frustration When You’re Single

One aspect of sexual frustration for single people may stem from a lack of partner to engage in consensual sexual acts with. Finding an appropriate outlet can not only decrease symptoms associated to sexual frustration, but can also aid in addressing mental and physical health-related concerns.

Some ways to deal with sexual frustration when you’re single include:

1. Create a routine to develop a sense of control. Being that sexual frustration stems from dissatisfaction that is outside of your control, finding ways to regain control in other areas of your life will help to alleviate some of the built-up tension.

2. Engage in self-pleasure or masturbation. Especially when paired with fantasy, self-pleasure may provide a temporary release until desirable partnered sex can be achieved.

3. Distract yourself. Find things outside of sex that bring you pleasure to distract you from focusing on the sex you are unable to have presently.

4. Find a sex therapist. A sex therapist can support in developing additional techniques to alleviate or eliminate the frustration.

5. Exercise. Release built up energy and tension.

6. Hire a legal sex worker. These professionals can support in facilitating a healthy sexual experience that caters to your sexual desires.

Dealing With Sexual Frustration in a Relationship

The events that are leading to or contributing to sexual frustration can negatively affect a couple’s ability to connect and be intimate in other ways.

In addition to the tips used for individuals, here are ways to deal with sexual frustration when you’re in a relationship:

7. Talk to your partner about your sexual desires and explore what has stopped you from acting on them. Couples who maintain a high quality of communication about sex are more likely to have a satisfying sexual relationship.⁷ Sometimes the presence of significant life stressors, such as finances or poor health, can preoccupy a person and negatively impact their desire for sex.⁵ 

8. Find a couples counselor or a sex therapist. These professionals can support you around improving your communication skills and give you ideas and exercises to try to improve your shared sex life.

9. Learn or relearn each other’s sexual language and attachment styles. The levels of anxiety, attachment, and avoidance can negatively affect sexual satisfaction.⁶

10. Explore areas and potential for compromise. Ensure that each partner can have an enjoyable and satisfying sexual experience.

How A Sex Therapist Can Help

A Certified Sex Therapist (CST) is a therapist trained to support individuals and partners with a multitude of sexual and relationship related concerns. Finding a sex therapist can help you navigate feelings of sexual frustration, including exploring triggers and developing skills to alleviate the symptoms and prevent them from resurfacing.

Sex therapy can include many components, such as aiding to put the frustrations into perspective and validating the desires. In addition, the sex therapist may support in correcting misconceptions that people hold related to desire and sexuality, including myths associated to gender or age.⁵ The sex therapist can also work with someone to eliminate any blame that may be promoting feelings of frustration and develop into aggression or revenge-seeking behaviors.

Final Thoughts

Sexual frustration can be hard to deal with, but there are ways to relieve it. Unmanaged, sexual frustration can lead to conflicts within yourself and your relationships. Help is available to develop the necessary skill to regain satisfaction within your sex life and shrink the gap between sexual desire and sexual release, where frustration once lived.