Displaced anger is a reactionary defense mechanism and a maladaptive coping strategy. Usually, misplaced anger can look like directing anger at something or someone totally unrelated to the current stresses in your life. This anger reaction can be viewed as a projection since the recipient of the anger is usually not the one who caused or contributed to the anger or stress response.
What Is Displaced Anger?
Displacement is a defense mechanism used to self-soothe. Also referred to as misplaced anger, displaced anger is a type of anger that perpetuates negativity and starts a cycle of fights. Individuals who experience this tend to have poor impulse control and high aggression. Due to poor coping skills and an inability to regulate emotions, they channel pent up anger at individuals or situations that are unrelated to the source of the anger.1
How Displaced Anger Affects Behavior
Those dealing with misplaced anger may be more prone to take their aggression out on children because they require a level of patience and understanding far greater than adults. Children who experience misplaced anger from their caregivers can struggle with lifelong impacts as a result.
Misplaced anger also has a ripple effect. For example, it could start with a man who directs his anger at his wife, who in turn directs her anger at her children, who in turn take it out on their peers. Once it is known and understood just how toxic this pattern can become, we can get one step closer to correcting this behavior before it becomes a bigger issue.2
How Displaced Anger Affects Relationships
Anger can be normal and healthy, but misplaced anger kills intimacy and creates a wedge between partners. It eats away at the foundation of the relationship and makes one partner feel like an emotional punching bag. This could also occur as triggered displaced anger, which is when one person unintentionally says or does something that triggers the other person to project. Over time, these repeated behaviors lead to more conflict.3
What Causes Displaced Anger?
The root cause of most displaced anger comes from adverse childhood events that disrupted healthy development and emotional regulation. This could include physical or emotional abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, divorce/separation of parents, or being involved in or witness to domestic violence. As a way to cope, children learn to minimize their own feelings to avoid dealing with them.
Over time, they learn to displace their anger and emotions either externally or internally. When this happens externally, we see misplaced anger from one person onto an undeserving other. When this happens internally, we see individuals blaming themselves for the situation and owning the dysfunction when they don’t need to.4
5 Tips for Coping With Displaced Anger
While displaced anger can feel challenging in the moment, it is possible and realistic to handle these types of conflict from a kind and loving perspective, and manage your anger by learning how to process it appropriately.
Here are five tips for coping with displaced anger:
1. Disengage & Retract Yourself From the Situation
This may seem counterintuitive as we tend to want to lean into and resolve conflict, but disengaging can mitigate the heightened emotions of the person who is angry and force them to consider the source.
2. Phone a Friend
If you’re having a hard time disengaging and the situation allows, give yourself some space and seek support from a friend or family member. Talking out the issue with someone else helps give perspective and can help you approach the situation differently when you return.
3. Self-Soothe
To keep from internalizing projected anger, focus on your actions and emotions and comfort yourself. This could include meditation, deep breathing, and allowing yourself to feel angry, upset, hurt or any emotion.
4. Re-Enter the Situation After Some Time Apart
Before coming back to the conflict, ensure that the time and space you had was truly enough. When you are ready to discuss the situation, approach things from the perspective of how that situation made you feel instead of accusatory language like, “You did X, Y, Z.”
5. Talk to a Therapist
Sometimes, these types of conflicts can be hard to manage without learning the right types of tools for communication and coping mechanisms. Left as is, this can lead to individuals feeling anxious, depressed, and traumatized. Speaking with a therapist as a couple, individual, or family can help everyone feel better.5
How to Get Help for Displaced Anger
If you feel like your displaced anger is causing issues with your relationships, work life, or ability to function, it might be time to find a therapist. Together, you will create a treatment plan and learn about other modalities of treatment to figure out what’s right for you. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anger management can be a good place to start as it effectively helps you to identify triggers and introduces coping skills to manage it.
Depending on the type of issues you’re facing, marital or family therapy may also be recommended.
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re in a circle that can openly and safely discuss mental health resources, a great way to locate a therapist is by personal reference. Everyone is different so it shouldn’t be expected that one therapist would be the right one for everyone, but asking around is still effective.
Requesting a referral from your physician for anyone they recommend is also an option. This gives them an opportunity to collaborate with you and find you the right type of treatment. A holistic approach to any kind of therapy should also involve your physician or any specialists.
An online therapist directory is another way to find and review providers based on your preferences and insurance. Researching clinician profiles online and selecting a few to contact for initial conversations is a good first step when choosing a therapist to work with. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation, giving people an opportunity to see if the relationship is a good fit.
Copays and coverage of treatment will depend on if the provider you choose is in-network or out-of-network. It is not uncommon to have a copay even with an in-network provider; however, many providers are able to offer a sliding scale payment model should the copay be too costly.
Final Thoughts on Displaced Anger
What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with displaced anger, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area of personal growth can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you better regulate these difficult emotions.
