Skip to content
  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Services
    • Online Couples Therapy
    • Online Therapy for Teens
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • My Mental Health
    • Men
    • Women
    • BIPOC
    • LGBTQIA+
    • Parents
    • Teens
  • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • About Us
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory

Join our Newsletter

Get helpful tips and the latest information

Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on Twitter
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube
Choosing Therapy Logo

Newsletter

  • Mental Health Issues
    • Anxiety
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Depression
    • Grief
    • OCD
    • Personality Disorders
    • PTSD
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Marriage
    • Sex & Intimacy
    • Infidelity
    • Relationships 101
  • Wellness
    • Anger
    • Burnout
    • Stress
    • Sleep
    • Meditation
    • Mindfulness
    • Yoga
  • Therapy
    • Starting Therapy
    • Types of Therapy
    • Best Online Therapy Services
    • Online Couples Therapy
    • Online Therapy for Teens
  • Medication
    • Anxiety Medication
    • Depression Medication
    • ADHD Medication
    • Best Online Psychiatrist Options
  • My Mental Health
    • Men
    • Women
    • BIPOC
    • LGBTQIA+
    • Parents
    • Teens
  • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • About Us
    • Find a Local Therapist
    • Join Our Free Directory
  • What is Infidelity?What is Infidelity?
  • CausesCauses
  • Should You Reconcile?Should You Reconcile?
  • 11 Steps to Save Your Marriage11 Steps to Save Your Marriage
  • How to RespondHow to Respond
  • Find a CounselorFind a Counselor
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • ResourcesResources
  • InfographicsInfographics

How to Save a Marriage After an Affair

Headshot of Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT

Written by: Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT

Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP

Reviewed by: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP

Published: October 4, 2022

While the majority of couples disapprove of infidelity, national surveys show that 15% of women and 25% of men have had intercourse outside their long-term relationship. Those percentages increase when including emotional affairs or affairs that don’t lead to intercourse.1 In general, extramarital relationships can be devastating, but couples who face them aren’t necessarily doomed. Recovery is possible with effort and support.

Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Define Infidelity

Infidelity is a violation of a prior agreement made between partners regarding their sexual and/or emotional exclusivity. What each person considers infidelity may differ (e.g., one partner may consider watching pornography as cheating while the other doesn’t, or one partner may perceive infidelity to be only sexual while another believes an emotional affair is as much of a violation). Setting clear boundaries and expectations about what fidelity means to each partner is important.

What Causes an Affair?

The causes of infidelity are varied and complex, with interplaying relational and personal factors contributing to the unique situation. A lack of relational or sexual satisfaction is one prominent contributor. Fulfilling relationships include reciprocity of affection and validation, as well as honest communication. If these attributes and others such as safety, relationship stability, and emotional and physical intimacy decline, the relationship may become susceptible to infidelity.

Relationships may also be vulnerable during times of transition, such as when young children begin attending school or after adult children leave the home. Personal factors that contribute to infidelity include unhappiness or low self-confidence. The thrill or pursuit of an affair can be invigorating and ego-boosting, too.

Reasons why people cheat can include:

  • Lack of affection
  • Being emotionally unavailable
  • Feeling lonely or neglected by partner
  • Fear of intimacy
  • Avoidance of conflict
  • Seeking change or variety
  • Falling out of love
  • Commitment issues
  • Resentment
  • Self-esteem/body issues
  • Ego-boosting

Should You Save Your Marriage After an Affair?

Although healing from infidelity or an emotional affair is challenging, if you and your partner are willing to put in the work, you can find happiness again. However, you must be honest with yourself. Is this relationship something you want to continue? There is no “right” decision. Ask yourself whether you have the energy to invest in healing.

Note that even if the relationship doesn’t work out, putting in work can still help you recover and move on. If you or your partner are having a hard time making a decision regarding whether or not to work on or continue the marriage, discernment counseling can help you figure it out.

How to Save a Marriage After Cheating: 11 Steps

If, after cheating, you and your partner decide to try and save the marriage, there are some steps to take, including seeking marriage and couples counseling, practicing transparency, and atoning for betrayal. Taking these steps gives you a better chance of saving the marriage or at least coming out stronger on the other end.

Here are eleven steps to save a marriage after an affair:

1. Seek Couples Counseling

A couples therapist can help you navigate rough waters and keep you on the right path. This is a crucial first step. Experts claim that trying to fix the relationship without help from a skilled professional is a bit like attempting to perform knee-replacement surgery with a “home kit.”2

To prepare for couples counseling, call and ask questions to understand how they work. Ask about their training, experience, and process of treating infidelity. Of course, you will need to be sure they are a good fit in other ways as well, such as location, schedule, price, etc.

2. Don’t Make Any Rash Decisions

Taking some time and space after an affair can help you cool down your thoughts and feelings so you can make decisions with a regulated nervous system. When you are in the height of your sadness or anger, you may make decisions you’ll regret later.

3. Take Time Apart

Taking time apart to rethink and reconsider your goals and values in life is important. Time apart can help to rediscover the intimacy in the relationship and give both partners a softer approach to their issues when they come back together.

4. Be Accountable & Atone for Your Actions

If you are the one that cheated, you must be willing and able to express ongoing remorse without defensiveness or excuses.3 Regardless of the issues in the marriage prior to the affair, the decision to have the affair rests solely with the partner that cheated. The betrayed partner has to see their partner take full responsibility for their actions.

5. Talk About the Affair

Many well-meaning people often give the advice that the affair should not be discussed. Although talking about the affair is painful for both parties, it must be done. The partner who had the affair had a whole secret life the betrayed partner did not know about. If these secrets remain secret, the disconnect will continue.

The betrayed partner must be given space and time to ask questions about the affair and understand what happened. The partner who had the affair must be willing to provide full disclosure.

Here are several questions to ask the partner who cheated:

  • When and how did you meet this person?
  • Where did you go? How often did you meet?
  • How often did you communicate and in what ways? What did you talk about?
  • Was there sexual activity (kissing, hugging, sexual talk)? When and how did you decide to make it physical?
  • Do any of our friends know? How did they find out? Do people at work know? What about family?
  • What attracted you to him/her?
  • Do you love him/her? When did you know you were in love? Do you still love him/her?
  • When did you last see him/her?
  • Have you broken up? When? How?

The only questions the betrayed partner should not ask are questions about specific sexual acts. Affairs are traumatic for the betrayed partner and many people will experience symptoms of infidelity post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or betrayal trauma as a result.4

Ideally, these conversations should occur in a couples therapy session. However, if you do have conversations at home, limit any late-night confrontation as sleep deprivation can worsen negative emotions. If the conversation begins to escalate, take a break and work on self-soothing. Escalating quarrels during this time will only enhance negativity and disconnection.

6. Provide Transparency & Verification

When an affair is revealed, trust is shattered. In the beginning stages of healing, the betrayed partner will be on alert for ongoing betrayals and will need transparency and verification. Transparency means that the partner who had the affair is 100% open and honest about their life including their whereabouts and any unavoidable contact with the affair partner.

Ideally, the relationship with the affair partner can be severed completely. However, this is not always possible. If contact with the affair partner is unavoidable, the partner who cheated must voluntarily share all interactions with their spouse when they occur.

Verification means that the betrayed partner is able to verify what their spouse is telling them is true. Verification may include the betrayed partner having access to their spouse’s phone, email account, GPS, bank statements, etc. Whatever the betrayed partner needs to trust should be discussed and provided.

7. Explore What Went Wrong & Reasons For Returning to the Relationship

Understanding what made the relationship vulnerable to an affair (i.e., why people cheat) is necessary to feel safe again. Most of the time, couples can identify a feeling of distance and disconnection. But what led to that? Both parties must understand their role. However, this must be done without blaming the betrayed partner for the affair.

It is also important that the betrayed partner understands why their spouse has returned to the marriage. This is another step that is required for the betrayed partner to feel safe, move forward, and begin to trust again.

8. Rebuild Trust

Rebuilding trust takes time, effort, forgiveness, and an ongoing effort to prioritize the relationship. Remember, both partners play a role in rebuilding trust, and it’s a key factor in any healthy relationship.

9. Set Boundaries About Any Future Betrayals

It must be explicitly discussed and made clear via setting healthy boundaries that another future betrayal would mean the end of the relationship.2 Although this conversation can be difficult, it provides necessary clarification and understanding about the consequences of broken trust in the future.

10. Work On Forgiveness

If your partner is working on atoning, doing things differently, and earning your trust back, it’s your job to continue to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget or condone the behavior. It means that you’re making a conscious decision to work with your partner on rebuilding trust in your relationship. This isn’t easy, but it’s one necessary for the marriage to survive.

11. Work Together to Build a New Relationship

Understanding what made the relationship susceptible to an affair is important, but it’s not enough. You must also work together to learn how to do things differently. This involves learning how to share, attune to one another’s feelings and needs, have structured conversations, fight fair, and manage relationship conflict productively. Most of us were not taught these skills, so seeking help from a trained couples therapist is crucial.

Once you feel closer emotionally, you can begin the process of rebuilding your intimate relationship as well. This step involves learning how to communicate in a healthy manner about sex and developing a satisfying sexual relationship for both of you.

Recovering From Infidelity Or A Betrayal Of Trust

Individual Therapy – Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp


Couples Therapy – Work together to restore trust and rekindle loving feelings. Video and text based couples counseling start at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy


OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Our Relationship, and Online-Therapy.

How to Respond if You Were the One Cheated On

If you have been betrayed, you will experience a vast range of intense, painful emotions. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you may question whether you ever knew your spouse at all. There are, however, steps you can take to help yourself (and the marriage) begin to heal, including sharing your emotions, seeking support, and practicing self-care.

Here are positive ways to respond if you were cheated on:

1. Share Your Emotions (Without Attacking Your Partner)

You have every right to feel difficult feelings and express them. In fact, it’s crucial for your own healing to do so. However, the manner in which you express these feelings is important. You need to be heard and understood, but if you express your emotions with criticism or contempt, it creates a barrier between you and your partner.

To share feelings and needs without blame, follow these steps:5

  • “I feel:” share a feeling such as sad, angry, hurt, betrayed
  • “About X:” describe what’s making you feel this way as nonjudgmentally as possible
  • “I need:” share a positive need with your partner

2. Seek as Much Support as You Can

There will be times when you need to express yourself and vent without worrying about how you are saying things. As such, it is important to find people in your life that you feel safe doing this with. This could be a friend, family member, and/or individual therapist. Having a few people like this would be ideal so that if one is unavailable, you can call another.

3. Practice Self-care

Although you may not feel like engaging in self-care, this is a time when these practices are most important. Try to stick to a routine as much as possible, get some exercise, eat healthy, and do your best to get good sleep. Engage in pleasurable activities and find additional outlets for your emotions, such as journaling, meditation, or yoga.

4. Be Patient & Gentle With Yourself

There will be good days and bad days – times when you feel like things are improving only to be triggered and sent into a regression. Although frustrating, this is normal. With time and support, the pain will lessen. If you try to rush the process or deny your feelings, healing will take longer. Be patient with yourself and show the same compassion you would to a friend.

How to Find a Marriage Counselor

When it comes to finding a marriage or couples counselor, begin your search in an online therapist directory where you can narrow down your search by specialty, cost, location, and more. Find a couples therapist who has specific training and/or experience with infidelity. Without this experience, they can actually do more harm than good. You want to make sure that you are getting the kind of sound advice that will improve your chances of full reconciliation.

Final Thoughts on Saving a Marriage After Cheating

Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can help you get through the pain of an affair, and if both you and your partner put in time and work, you can mend old wounds. Whether you want to reconcile is up to you, but no matter what path you choose, remember, you’re not alone and you won’t always be suffering.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Whether you’re feeling uneasy in your relationship, trying to rebuild trust, or working on forgiveness – a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp will ask you about the things you want to work on and what you’re looking for in a therapist. Visit BetterHelp

Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to save the relationship? Are there children involved? Do you still love each other? Couples therapy will provide a supportive environment. Get Started

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Our Relationship

For Further Reading

  • American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
  • Mental Health America
  • Best Books About Marriage

Stories You Might Like 


I have a fear of cheating – Is it OCD, Anxiety or Phobia?

Almost everyone has worried about a relationship at some point or another, but for some, relationship worries can be all-consuming. For folks who are afraid of cheating in particular, a lot can be going on below the surface that’s important to unpack and address. Read More

Why am I so scared of my partner leaving me?

What if my partner leaves me? Am I attractive enough for them? Am I a good enough partner? Did my actions/behaviors bother my partner? What if they don’t care enough about me? What if I end up alone forever? What if nobody will ever love me? Read More

This content is sponsored By NOCD.

 How to Save a Marriage After an Affair Infographics

What Causes Affair? How to Respond If You Were Cheated On How to Save a Marriage After Cheating

Sources Update History

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2016). Infidelity. Retrieved from: https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.aspx

  • Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How To Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks

  • Gottman, J.M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company

  • Glass, S.P. & Staeheli, J.C. (2004). Not “Just Friends” Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press

  • Gottman, J.M. & Gottman, J.S. (2006). 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. New York, NY: Harmony Books

Show more

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

October 4, 2022
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “Define Infidelity” and “What Causes an Affair?”. Revised “How to Save a Marriage After Cheating: 11 Steps”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.
May 21, 2021
Author: Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT
Reviewer: Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Show more

Recent Articles

Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD Why It Happens & How to Stop
Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD: Why It Happens & How To Stop
Since those with ADHD struggle with emotion regulation and a heightened sensitivity to feeling rejected, they can be more...
';
Setting Boundaries
Setting Boundaries: 15 Healthy Tips for Success
Setting boundaries can be challenging but is an essential part of self-respect. You must first recognize and assert your...
';
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options of 2023
Online marriage counseling and couples therapy can help with a variety of concerns in your relationship. Licensed and credentialed...
';
Best Online Premarital
Best Online Premarital Counseling Courses
Many online premarital courses don’t cost a lot, don’t take much time, and can help set you up for...
';
How to Be a Better Lover Tips From a Sex Therapist
How to Be a Better Lover: Tips From a Sex Therapist
While tips and tricks can help, being a better lover is really about being tuned in to both yourself...
';
Is It ROCD or Just the Wrong Relationship
Is It ROCD or Just the Wrong Relationship?
ROCD symptoms are hard to distinguish from real relationship concerns, but ROCD stems from rumination rather than from actual...
';
  • What is Infidelity?What is Infidelity?
  • CausesCauses
  • Should You Reconcile?Should You Reconcile?
  • 11 Steps to Save Your Marriage11 Steps to Save Your Marriage
  • How to RespondHow to Respond
  • Find a CounselorFind a Counselor
  • ConclusionConclusion
  • ResourcesResources
  • InfographicsInfographics
Choosing Therapy Logo White
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service

FOR IMMEDIATE HELP CALL:

Medical Emergency: 911

Suicide Hotline: 988

View More Crisis Hotlines
Choosing Therapy on Facebook
Choosing Therapy on Instagram
Choosing Therapy on Twitter
Choosing Therapy on Linkedin
Choosing Therapy on Pinterest
Choosing Therapy on Tiktok
Choosing Therapy on Youtube

© 2023 Choosing Therapy, Inc. All rights reserved.