Infidelity: Types, Causes, & Effects

Definition of Infidelity

Infidelity is a violation of a prior agreement made between partners regarding their sexual and/or emotional exclusivity. What each person considers infidelity may differ (e.g., one partner may consider watching pornography or viewing other erotic stimuli as cheating while the other doesn’t, or one partner may perceive infidelity to be only sexual while another believes an emotional affair is as much of a violation).

Infidelity: Monogamy vs. Polyamory

Monogamy, or the practice of having one partner at a time, is the central relationship arrangement in Western culture. All infidelities defy the assumed or stated agreement for monogamy, whether that is through an emotional attachment or physical interaction.¹

When more than two people are involved, this is known as a non-monogamous or poly relationship. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, the partners may practice swinging or polyamory. These arrangements encourage honest communication and consent amongst all involved partners and are not examples of infidelity.²

Infidelity falls under unethical non-monogamy, because one partner is neither informed about nor consents to the extra-marital relationship. What determines whether or not one has been unfaithful depends on whether the predetermined agreements of exclusivity have been respected, and not on whether the relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous.

7 Types of Infidelity

When a violation or breach of fidelity occurs in a relationship, it usually falls under a specific category. Categories or types of infidelity include physical infidelity, emotional cheating, cyber infidelity, object infidelity, and financial infidelity.

Here are seven types of infidelity:

1. Physical infidelity: Physical or sexual connection outside of the relationship. There may or may not be an emotional component between partners.
2. Emotional infidelity: Emotional attachment or intimacy with another person. Emotional affairs can do as much damage, if not more, to a relationship as a physical affair.
3. Cyber infidelity: Social media has made it easier for people to engage in online messages, chats, forums, or groups with sexual content, a type of cheating sometimes referred to as micro cheating. Cyber infidelity also includes viewing erotic stimuli, such as cheating via pornography.
4. Object infidelity: An obsession or interest outside of the relationship can result in what is known as an object affair. This is a situation where one partner is more focused on something such as work or their phone, which causes a distraction from the relationship.
5. Financial infidelity: Money can become a point of contention for many relationships. If it progresses to the point of financial infidelity, one partner may be deceitful about how much money they earn, how they earn money, how much debt they owe, and how they spend or loan out money. They may even have money hidden away in cash or other bank accounts that their partner doesn’t know about.
6. Micro cheating: A term for actions that bother a partner, such as flirting that crosses a line, but there is no intention of straying outside of the relationship.
7. Combined infidelity: When the infidelity includes more than one type. Many infidelities include elements of both sexual and emotional intimacies. A cyber affair may also be considered a form of emotional infidelity.

Causes of Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are varied and complex, with interplaying relational and personal factors contributing to the unique situation. A lack of relational or sexual satisfaction is one prominent contributor. Fulfilling relationships include reciprocity of affection and validation, as well as honest communication. If these attributes and others such as safety, relationship stability, and emotional/physical intimacy decline, the relationship may become susceptible to infidelity.

Relationships may also be vulnerable during times of transition, such as when young children begin attending school or after adult children leave the home. Personal factors that contribute to infidelity include unhappiness or low self-confidence. The thrill or pursuit of an affair can be invigorating and ego-boosting, too.

Reasons why people cheat can include:

• Lack of affection
• Being emotionally unavailable
• Feeling lonely or neglected by partner
• Fear of intimacy
• Avoidance of conflict
• Seeking change or variety
• Falling out of love
• Commitment issues
• Resentment
• Self-esteem/body issues
• Ego-boosting

Risk Factors: Are Some People More Likely to Cheat?

Certain factors have been found to increase the risk for infidelity, including demographics such as higher levels of education and being male.^3,4,5 Neuroticism and low conscientiousness have also been found to predict infidelity among couples who are dating.⁶

Having a more permissive attitude toward infidelity or being raised in an environment that normalizes infidelity may also make a relationship more at risk. Ultimately, the quality and level of satisfaction of your relationship with your partner will likely play an enormous role in how much your relationship is at risk.

Infidelity’s Effect On a Relationship

Regardless of the details of an affair, both partners are bound to be greatly impacted after disclosure. There may even be a ripple effect to other people living in the home, such as children.

Common effects of infidelity are:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Anger issues
• Self-loathing
• Low self-esteem
• Hysterical bonding

How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Was Cheated On

The injured partner may face intense emotional reactions. Some feel a sense of loss or betrayal trauma. Others may experience symptoms of anxiety or depression, including suicidal thoughts. For some, the stress is so severe it resembles post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (sometimes referred to as infidelity post-traumatic stress disorder).⁷ Those with acute stress reactions may have obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts, or physiological hyper-arousal.

Following the disclosure of the infidelity, the partner who was cheated on may engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex or over- or under- eating or exercising. If you are struggling after your partner’s affair, and especially if you have thoughts or urges of suicide or self-harm, reach out for help so you can begin the process of healing, get over being cheated on, and move forward.

How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Cheated

The person who engaged in the betrayal may also be significantly affected by extreme emotional reactions, including a strong sense of guilt or shame. Some people may feel stuck or helpless in the relationship, while others feel hopeless that they can change. Some people struggle with giving up the extra-marital relationship, even if they know it needs to end. They may even feel a sense of grief.

The offending partner may also harbor intense fear that they will never be forgiven by the partner they hurt and worry they must constantly prove themselves beyond reasonable expectation. Other partners may actually blame the infidelity on their partner or express irritability or coldness.

Preventing Infidelity

When it comes to preventing infidelity, it’s important to have open conversations with your partner about your boundaries for fidelity and what you perceive as infidelity. Communicating early on about your relationship desires and expectations can help prevent bigger problems down the road. These kinds of topics are discussed in premarital counseling.

Recovering From Infidelity

If your relationship has been affected by infidelity, consider seeking the help of a marriage and family therapist who is experienced in working with couples and infidelity. Professional counseling can provide a space for you and your partner to rebuild trust, strengthen intimacy, sincerely apologize for past actions, and deal with the problems in the relationships that made it susceptible to an affair in the first place.

The early conversations about infidelity may be filled with accusations or defensiveness. Part of the therapist’s role is to help you and your partner recognize these interactions, learn fair fighting rules, and stabilize the situation.

A crucial piece to recovering from infidelity is forgiveness. Through remorse and apologies by the offending partner, the partner who was hurt can let go of their anger and resentment. The offending partner often seeks forgiveness quickly, but this is a process that should not be rushed. Forgiveness takes time, and pushing the hurt partner to forgive prematurely can further damage the relationship.