Infidelity: Types, Causes, & Effects

What Is Infidelity?

Infidelity is a violation of a prior agreement made between partners regarding their sexual and/or emotional exclusivity. What each person considers infidelity may differ. For example, one partner may consider watching pornography or viewing other erotic stimuli as cheating while the other doesn’t, or one partner may perceive infidelity to be only sexual while another believes an emotional affair is as much of a violation.

What Is An Affair?

An affair involves repeated emotional or physical acts of infidelity, typically with someone outside of the relationship. It usually refers to ongoing, secretive interactions that cross established relationship boundaries. These acts can vary widely, from physical intimacy to deep emotional connections with another person.

7 Types of Infidelity

Infidelity is a complex issue that can take many forms, each causing different challenges in a relationship. It’s not just about physical cheating; infidelity can also involve emotional connections, online behaviors, or even financial deception. Understanding the different types of infidelity helps shed light on how varied breaches of trust can be and why they impact relationships in unique ways.

Here are seven types of infidelity:

1. Physical infidelity: This involves a physical or sexual connection with someone outside of the relationship. It may or may not include an emotional bond, but the physical breach alone can deeply affect trust and intimacy between partners.
2. Emotional infidelity: This involves emotional attachment or intimacy with another person. Emotional affairs can do as much damage, if not more, to a relationship as a physical affair.
3. Cyber infidelity: Social media has made it easier for people to engage in online messages, chats, forums, or groups with sexual content, a type of cheating sometimes referred to as micro cheating. Cyber infidelity also includes viewing erotic stimuli, such as cheating via pornography.
4. Object infidelity: An obsession or interest outside of the relationship can result in what is known as an object affair. This is a situation where one partner is more focused on something such as work or their phone, which causes a distraction from the relationship.
5. Financial infidelity: Money can become a point of contention for many relationships. If it progresses to the point of financial infidelity, one partner may be deceitful about how much money they earn, how they earn money, how much debt they owe, and how they spend or loan out money. They may even have money hidden away in cash or other bank accounts that their partner doesn’t know about.
6. Micro cheating: Micro cheating is a term for actions that bother a partner, such as flirting that crosses a line, but there is no intention of straying outside of the relationship.
7. Combined infidelity: When the infidelity includes more than one type. Many infidelities include elements of both sexual and emotional intimacies. A cyber affair may also be considered a form of emotional infidelity.

Signs of Infidelity

Observable signs of infidelity might include becoming secretive with social media, catching your partner on the phone late at night, or experiencing inconsistencies in your partner’s behaviors. Subtle signs might include lacking emotional intimacy and sudden changes to your partner’s weekday routine. However, it is important to speak with your partner and a professional if you are feeling suspicious, noticing unwanted behaviors, or experiencing disconnection.

Some signs of infidelity include:

• Hiding written conversations, such as emails or texts
• Hearing from others outside the relationship conflicting information about your partner’s whereabouts
• Your partner suddenly accusing you of unfounded infidelity
• Your partner acting defensive or guarded when you ask simple questions
• Discovering your partner has multiple email addresses or social media accounts
• Confusing expenses, such as dinners or events you don’t remember attending
• Catching your partner in phone conversations or texting with others late at night
• Your partner is rigid about privacy
• Your partner refuses to cut off contact with exes when it has caused undue stress in the relationship
• Sudden changes to their schedule
• Frequently missing planned dates or events with you
• Having frequent people from your partner’s past cause issues in the relationship
• Your partner becomes aggressive when confronted with inconsistencies
• Your partner frequently gaslights you when you confront inconsistencies
• Lacking physical and emotional intimacy in the relationship

Causes of Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are varied and complex, with interplaying relational and personal factors contributing to the unique situation. A lack of relational or sexual satisfaction is one prominent contributor. Fulfilling relationships include reciprocity of affection and validation, as well as honest communication. If these attributes and others such as safety, relationship stability, and emotional/physical intimacy decline, the relationship may become susceptible to infidelity.

Relationships may also be vulnerable during times of transition, such as when young children begin attending school or after adult children leave the home. Personal factors that contribute to infidelity include unhappiness or low self-confidence. The thrill or pursuit of an affair can be invigorating and ego-boosting, too.

Reasons why people cheat can include:

• Lack of affection
• Being emotionally unavailable
• Feeling lonely or neglected by partner
• Fear of intimacy
• Avoidance of conflict
• Seeking change or variety
• Falling out of love
• Commitment issues
• Resentment
• Self-esteem/body issues
• Ego-boosting

Risk Factors: Are Some People More Likely to Cheat?

Certain factors have been found to increase the risk for infidelity, including demographics such as higher levels of education and being male.^{3, 4, 5} Neuroticism and low conscientiousness have also been found to predict infidelity among couples who are dating.⁶

Having a more permissive attitude toward infidelity or being raised in an environment that normalizes infidelity may also make a relationship more at risk. Ultimately, the quality and level of satisfaction of your relationship with your partner will likely play an enormous role in how much your relationship is at risk.

How Infidelity Affects a Relationship

Regardless of the details of an affair, both partners are bound to be greatly impacted after disclosure. There may even be a ripple effect to other people living in the home, such as children.

Common effects of infidelity are:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Anger issues
• Self-loathing
• Low self-esteem
• Hysterical bonding

How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Was Cheated On

The injured partner may face intense emotional reactions and long term effects of infidelity. Some feel a sense of loss or betrayal trauma. Others may experience symptoms of anxiety or depression, including suicidal thoughts. For some, the stress is so severe it resembles post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (sometimes referred to as infidelity post-traumatic stress disorder).⁷ Those with acute stress reactions may have obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts, or physiological hyper-arousal.

Following the disclosure of the infidelity, the partner who was cheated on may engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex or over- or under- eating or exercising. If you are struggling after your partner’s affair, and especially if you have thoughts or urges of suicide or self-harm, reach out for help so you can begin the process of healing, get over being cheated on, and move forward.

How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Cheated

The person who engaged in the betrayal may also be significantly affected by extreme emotional reactions, including a strong sense of guilt or shame. Some people may feel stuck or helpless in the relationship, while others feel hopeless that they can change. Some people struggle with giving up the extra-marital relationship, even if they know it needs to end. They may even feel a sense of grief.

The offending partner may also harbor intense fear that they will never be forgiven by the partner they hurt and worry they must constantly prove themselves beyond reasonable expectation. Other partners may actually blame the infidelity on their partner or express irritability or coldness.

Preventing Infidelity

When it comes to preventing infidelity, it’s important to have open conversations with your partner about your boundaries for fidelity and what you perceive as infidelity. Communicating early on about your relationship desires and expectations can help prevent bigger problems down the road. These kinds of topics are discussed in premarital counseling.

Can You Overcome Infidelity?

If your relationship has been affected by infidelity, consider seeking the help of a marriage and family therapist who is experienced in working with couples and infidelity. Professional counseling can provide a space for you and your partner to rebuild trust in the relationship, strengthen intimacy, sincerely apologize for past actions, and deal with the problems in the relationships that made it susceptible to an affair in the first place.

The early conversations about infidelity may be filled with accusations or defensiveness. Part of the therapist’s role is to help you and your partner recognize these interactions, learn fair fighting rules, and stabilize the situation.

A crucial piece to recovering from infidelity is forgiveness. Through remorse and apologies by the offending partner, the partner who was hurt can let go of their anger and resentment. The offending partner often seeks forgiveness quickly, but this is a process that should not be rushed. Forgiveness takes time, and pushing the hurt partner to forgive prematurely can further damage the relationship.

Recovering From Repeated Affairs

Repeated affairs can be a sign of much bigger underlying problems in the relationship. If there’s a history of infidelity in your relationship, be honest with your partner about any lingering feelings of hurt or insecurity.

It’s possible to save a marriage after an affair and rebuild a stronger foundation in your relationship. However, the repair can only happen if both partners work equally towards healing. If problems related to the infidelity go unresolved, the relationship may continue to deteriorate.

In some situations, a sexual addiction or compulsion for love and romance may help to explain recurring motivations for infidelity. An individual who feels helpless against their urges may feel shame or worthlessness. Other repeat offenders may not be remorseful and take advantage of opportunities without apology.

In order for repeated affairs to be successfully addressed, the offending partner must be open to exploring and moving on from the source of the urges or motivation for the infidelity.

Types of Therapy Used to Treat Infidelity

Most forms of therapeutic treatment for infidelity include sessions with both partners, but there may be times throughout treatment when individual sessions are utilized.

Some common modalities a therapist may use to treat infidelity include:

Emotion Focused Couples Therapy

Emotionally focused couples therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on building attachment in relationships. In other words, emotionally focused couples therapy is used to improve the bond between partners. From an EFT perspective, infidelity can devastate the attachment bond causing the relationship to become unsafe.⁸

Emotionally focused couples therapy addresses the attachment injury that resulted from the infidelity and works toward repairing the bond between partners. An emotionally focused couples therapy therapist will help you understand your emotions and adopt healthier patterns.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is an evidence-based model that assists couples to build friendship, resolve conflict, and make meaning.^{9, 10} The Gottman’s developed the “Atone, Attune, and Attach” model for dealing with infidelity.

In the “Atone” phase, the offending partner must be remorseful and accept responsibility without being defensive. In the “Attune” phase, the couple learns to manage conflict and recommit to each other. In the “Attach” phase, the couple rebuilds connection and physical intimacy.

Integrative Approach

Using integrative therapy and the integrated approach (usually a combination of psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, and humanistic therapies), couples can move through three phases of recovery after infidelity:¹¹

Here are the three phases of the integrative approach:

• Manage the impact of the initial crisis
• Gain a shared understanding of the factors that led to the infidelity
• Make the decision to move forward together or separately

Does Marriage Counseling Help After Infidelity?

It can be hard to rebuild trust after infidelity, but it is possible. Rebuilding trust takes intention and understanding of what the infidelity meant for the relationship. It involves taking ownership and accountability and finding ways to reconnect and reform the foundational pieces of the relationship. Infidelity can turn the relationship upside down and it can be challenging to know how to start.

Processing your feelings and creating space for these feelings in the relationship is a good way to begin. Working with a therapist is a great way to find a framework for this as well. Marriage counseling helps after infidelity tremendously as it helps to give structure on how to rebuild the relationship.

How to Find a Couples Therapist

If you’re ready to work on your relationship to make it healthier, working with a couples therapist is a great way to begin. Consider online couples counseling platforms like Talkspace and Regain for convenient access to therapy from home, or virtual relationship coaching through a platform like Our Relationship.